Dear Abandoned LJ...
So, I know I've abandoned you, old, faithful LJ.
Abandoned you to the point where you no longer allow me to have an abundance of icons to express myself or... well, I never really used my paid account for much else, did I? Still. You were abandoned. And while I was busy abandoning you - and working on my photo blog - so much has changed. And so much has stayed the same.
It's been more than five months since I've graduated. Five MONTHS. And my life is nothing of what I imagined it to be.
I'm still in Pittsburgh. Still living at home. Still broke. Still single. Still feeling defeated.
I've had one job I hated, one gallbladder removed, one too many friendship evaulations...re-evaluations, I guess. I've allowed myself to get swept up in boys, kissed by boys, broken by boys, discouraged by boys. I've found myself caught up in situations I've never wanted to be caught up in, overlooking things I thought I'd never overlook, hoping for things I never thought I'd hope for. I've found I'm not as strong as I once thought I was and that cute boys with blonde hair and gorgeous smiles are definitely delicious... but dangerously bad for me. And dangerously addictive. And addictions are bad for you no matter what form they come in... so this is a habit I am trying to kick. A habit thats hard to break. Especially when that habit keeps reappearing.
I start a new job on Monday. Another job I really don't want... but there comes a point where you just have to settle so you can make money. After all, dreams will never come true if you continue to sit on your ass and get more and more broke by the minute, right? Just because I'm "settling" now doesn't mean I have to settle forever... right?
Thats what I keep telling myself.
As confusing as life has been though at times... as often as I find myself unsure of where I'm going or what I'm doing here... there's the smile of that child that gets to me. There's that laughter that tugs at my heart and makes me feel amazing and makes all of this unsure-ness and all of this delayed-in-life-ness feel worth it.
I love all of my cousins and all of their children. I do. There's something about each of them that just brings such utter joy to my heart... I couldn't possibly put it into words.
There's Quinton's energy... and his goodness. Quinn is just such a GOOD boy. That's the only way to describe it. He may only be 8, but that boy is a GOOD boy. Does what he's told, never questions, always listens. For a child as shoved around as he's been his whole life... with parents who have remarried other people, grandparents who helped raise him just as much as his own mother... he's a good, good boy. So its probably his goodness I love the most.
There's Laken... who is one of those kids you just can't help yourself from falling in love with. He's develishly bad and always causing trouble. Within one afternoon he hit a 5 week old baby in the head with a maracca, threw his strawberry drink all over the car and whacked Quinton in the face with a yardstick. He's the DEVIL... I told you. But then you hear him laugh. You see his eyes sparkling and that smile spread across his face... and you know. You just know he's going to get out of so much trouble in his life because of how charming he is. God, I melted this trip when he finally started saying my name. "Kay-weeee." Over and over again. Wow, once he learns a word (and there are so few he actually says, so its a HUGE deal that he says mine as many times as he does) he really USES that word. I've heard him say "Kay-weeeee" nonstop for the past three days and I am already sad I am leaving and won't get to hear it again for awhile.
Then there's Liam. He's only 13 months old, but hes such a sweetheart. He's quieter than Laken ever was... and even quieter than Quinton was at his age. He smells like baby... that amazing smell you just want to breathe in and never forget. Even though its exhausting at times -- holding him constantly -- you have to love it, deep down. He wants you to hold him, he wants to feel close to you. Its such a huge honor, especially since he's getting to that age where fewer and fewer people are allowed to hold him... there are very few people he reachs for. And he still reaches for me. I hope he always reaches for me.
But as much as I love those boys... as much as I love every moment I spend with them. There's always my Gage. And as unfair as it is to have favorites, as unfair and hurtful as favorites can be... he's mine. I can't help it and I do everything I can to almost over-shower the others with my love and attention in order to hide the fact that... I am head over heels in love with Gage Michael.
I honestly mean it when I say this -- I can't imagine being capable of loving my own children more than I love him. I just don't think its possible. I can't imagine loving anything more than the moments I get to spend with him.
The way he says "Cuz Kah-wee" and the way he cuddles up with me. The way he laughs and laughs as I roll around with him on the floor... the way he just HAD to show me EACH and EVERY piece of candy he got trick or treating tonight... the way he loves having mini-photoshoots with me on the floor, JUST so he can yell "CHEESE!" at the top of his lungs. The way he's like a mini-adult and can have soo many conversations now and tell me so many things. The way he tumbles and throws himself around the room even though his fake leg has been taken off for the night... and the way he could care less that its off. The way he kisses me goodnight.
The boy is only two and a half years old. But he's a boy I can't even imagine my life without anymore. The boy I'll have the biggest heartbreak over leaving whenever I DO move to Chicago or New York or wherever my life takes me that isn't Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Cause I'm NOT staying in Pittsburgh. I can't. I won't allow myself.
But I need to work on it faster, harder, sooner... or I'll get too scared to do it.
I know myself and the more comfortable I get in a place, the more at risk I am for never leaving.
It's why I left Tucson. I couldn't get stuck. I loved it, but I couldn't get stuck. I'm not ready. I'm not where I'm meant to stick... if that makes sense.
But even though I'm not in a position to leave yet, even though I'm in the last place I want to be - back in PA with my parents and my sister - I'm thankful and beyond blessed for the moments I've been given with Quinton, Laken, Liam... and especially Gage. I'm so, so, so beyond blessed to share in these moments of their lives, to watch them grow, to see them devlop into such caring characters.
There's a lot I'm missing out on right now. There are a lot of things that I wish I could change... a lot of things I wish could stay the same. But right now, tonight, I'm thankful for what I've been given. And right now - the thing that makes me happier than I've been all month... is that one little boy with the brown hair and the big smile on his face who won't break my heart, unless I choose to walk away first.
Abandoned you to the point where you no longer allow me to have an abundance of icons to express myself or... well, I never really used my paid account for much else, did I? Still. You were abandoned. And while I was busy abandoning you - and working on my photo blog - so much has changed. And so much has stayed the same.
It's been more than five months since I've graduated. Five MONTHS. And my life is nothing of what I imagined it to be.
I'm still in Pittsburgh. Still living at home. Still broke. Still single. Still feeling defeated.
I've had one job I hated, one gallbladder removed, one too many friendship evaulations...re-evaluations, I guess. I've allowed myself to get swept up in boys, kissed by boys, broken by boys, discouraged by boys. I've found myself caught up in situations I've never wanted to be caught up in, overlooking things I thought I'd never overlook, hoping for things I never thought I'd hope for. I've found I'm not as strong as I once thought I was and that cute boys with blonde hair and gorgeous smiles are definitely delicious... but dangerously bad for me. And dangerously addictive. And addictions are bad for you no matter what form they come in... so this is a habit I am trying to kick. A habit thats hard to break. Especially when that habit keeps reappearing.
I start a new job on Monday. Another job I really don't want... but there comes a point where you just have to settle so you can make money. After all, dreams will never come true if you continue to sit on your ass and get more and more broke by the minute, right? Just because I'm "settling" now doesn't mean I have to settle forever... right?
Thats what I keep telling myself.
As confusing as life has been though at times... as often as I find myself unsure of where I'm going or what I'm doing here... there's the smile of that child that gets to me. There's that laughter that tugs at my heart and makes me feel amazing and makes all of this unsure-ness and all of this delayed-in-life-ness feel worth it.
I love all of my cousins and all of their children. I do. There's something about each of them that just brings such utter joy to my heart... I couldn't possibly put it into words.
There's Quinton's energy... and his goodness. Quinn is just such a GOOD boy. That's the only way to describe it. He may only be 8, but that boy is a GOOD boy. Does what he's told, never questions, always listens. For a child as shoved around as he's been his whole life... with parents who have remarried other people, grandparents who helped raise him just as much as his own mother... he's a good, good boy. So its probably his goodness I love the most.
There's Laken... who is one of those kids you just can't help yourself from falling in love with. He's develishly bad and always causing trouble. Within one afternoon he hit a 5 week old baby in the head with a maracca, threw his strawberry drink all over the car and whacked Quinton in the face with a yardstick. He's the DEVIL... I told you. But then you hear him laugh. You see his eyes sparkling and that smile spread across his face... and you know. You just know he's going to get out of so much trouble in his life because of how charming he is. God, I melted this trip when he finally started saying my name. "Kay-weeee." Over and over again. Wow, once he learns a word (and there are so few he actually says, so its a HUGE deal that he says mine as many times as he does) he really USES that word. I've heard him say "Kay-weeeee" nonstop for the past three days and I am already sad I am leaving and won't get to hear it again for awhile.
Then there's Liam. He's only 13 months old, but hes such a sweetheart. He's quieter than Laken ever was... and even quieter than Quinton was at his age. He smells like baby... that amazing smell you just want to breathe in and never forget. Even though its exhausting at times -- holding him constantly -- you have to love it, deep down. He wants you to hold him, he wants to feel close to you. Its such a huge honor, especially since he's getting to that age where fewer and fewer people are allowed to hold him... there are very few people he reachs for. And he still reaches for me. I hope he always reaches for me.
But as much as I love those boys... as much as I love every moment I spend with them. There's always my Gage. And as unfair as it is to have favorites, as unfair and hurtful as favorites can be... he's mine. I can't help it and I do everything I can to almost over-shower the others with my love and attention in order to hide the fact that... I am head over heels in love with Gage Michael.
I honestly mean it when I say this -- I can't imagine being capable of loving my own children more than I love him. I just don't think its possible. I can't imagine loving anything more than the moments I get to spend with him.
The way he says "Cuz Kah-wee" and the way he cuddles up with me. The way he laughs and laughs as I roll around with him on the floor... the way he just HAD to show me EACH and EVERY piece of candy he got trick or treating tonight... the way he loves having mini-photoshoots with me on the floor, JUST so he can yell "CHEESE!" at the top of his lungs. The way he's like a mini-adult and can have soo many conversations now and tell me so many things. The way he tumbles and throws himself around the room even though his fake leg has been taken off for the night... and the way he could care less that its off. The way he kisses me goodnight.
The boy is only two and a half years old. But he's a boy I can't even imagine my life without anymore. The boy I'll have the biggest heartbreak over leaving whenever I DO move to Chicago or New York or wherever my life takes me that isn't Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Cause I'm NOT staying in Pittsburgh. I can't. I won't allow myself.
But I need to work on it faster, harder, sooner... or I'll get too scared to do it.
I know myself and the more comfortable I get in a place, the more at risk I am for never leaving.
It's why I left Tucson. I couldn't get stuck. I loved it, but I couldn't get stuck. I'm not ready. I'm not where I'm meant to stick... if that makes sense.
But even though I'm not in a position to leave yet, even though I'm in the last place I want to be - back in PA with my parents and my sister - I'm thankful and beyond blessed for the moments I've been given with Quinton, Laken, Liam... and especially Gage. I'm so, so, so beyond blessed to share in these moments of their lives, to watch them grow, to see them devlop into such caring characters.
There's a lot I'm missing out on right now. There are a lot of things that I wish I could change... a lot of things I wish could stay the same. But right now, tonight, I'm thankful for what I've been given. And right now - the thing that makes me happier than I've been all month... is that one little boy with the brown hair and the big smile on his face who won't break my heart, unless I choose to walk away first.