Yeah
I'm at work right now with a big headache.
I have frequent headaches.
I've not been eating very well recently that could be part of the reason.
It's nice to have a journal again to write my thoughts down.
something reliable and consistent.
Notebooks get lost, and I have far more time to post than i do to write. I'm on the computer more these days than near my notebook. It's kind of sad really because I always enjoyed both reading and writing.
Kevin leaves in January. Late January/early February really. I've been looking at places and so has he. Nothing is definite, nothing is etched in stone. I don't know what is going on with our relationship. I don't know how he really feels about me because if he really cared I think he'd have tried to find a job nearby. He knew his job was relocating. Then he tries to put it on me and says I am leaving him bc I'm not going to Maryland. No, he is the one leaving.
I'm so tired though.
My moods they go so up and down sometimes but for the past few months (with the exeption of the few weeks I spent having periodic coffee ice cream) I have been consistently depressed.
Coffee ice cream was nice while it lasted. I hadn't expected it to go on forever bc nothing ever does last. I'd just wanted it to go on a bit longer than it had. I know it's my fault and I got too carried away.
That's the problem with life. It's about balance. If you let yourself get too happy something will come along to knock you down. If you're down then something might eventually come to say 'yes there is hope' but as soon as you let yourself believe and want and feel you are crushed to the dirt again.
I would say it is better not to feel at all but I wouldn't know.
I know I feel so numb a lot of the time and that nothing matters when I am in that state.
While I had coffee ice cream though my feelings were creeping back. I was becoming more confident and a trickling of the old Q was trying to return. I was writing again. I was reading. I was thinking.
I think that I must be miserable bc I spend so much time not thinking, in this state of doing what I am supposed to do.
Yeah I think the thing about the coffee ice cream is that I know I'm not supposed to have ice cream. Supposedly it is bad for you but there it was, and it was a rush of sweetness and feel goodness. I wasn't doing what I was "supposed to do" i was doing something that I wanted. I was doing stuff that was uncharacteristic of myself and yet brought me back to myself. I was thinking of what *I* wanted to do and what *I* would enjoy and it was something I had to myself without anyone else's knowledge or interference. It was my little secret and I have so few secrets. I'm always and never alone.
I live with kevin but we spend so much time apart in the house. We like different things and we are such different people.
I wasn't alone without Kevin. People didn't give me the chance. My friends and my family made sure I stayed busy and spent time w me. I guess I spent time out a lot more too. Kev wasn't home so I didn't have anything to come home to so I had no will to go home at a "reasonable time"
I bought lipgloss and eyeshadow.
I want/need more items from Sephora and Express.
I need to get back to the gym.
Cornflake and I are supposed to go to a lesbian bar/club tonight.
I'm actually looking forward to that.
I would like to lose weight.
At least 10 lbs. Ideally 15.
When I lose weight then I will be thin and sexy.
Lol when I used to be 100 lbs I would get dizzy spells more easily than I do now. I'd also spend a lot of time in bed reading. I'd eat nothing but blowpops for days. Skip breakfast and dinner. I ate french fries once a week. So of course I stayed thin. It'd be hard to have a job and keep up that kind of lifestyle I used to have.
I mean it'd be easier if I was alone to keep up that lifestyle bc I'm not going to have $$ for food anyway, but harder in that I'd do very poorly at work. Already I'm having concentration issues which I think must be a combination of the depression and poor eating habits.
Well got to keep going. Got to work.
Have work tomorrow too - Saturday.
I have frequent headaches.
I've not been eating very well recently that could be part of the reason.
It's nice to have a journal again to write my thoughts down.
something reliable and consistent.
Notebooks get lost, and I have far more time to post than i do to write. I'm on the computer more these days than near my notebook. It's kind of sad really because I always enjoyed both reading and writing.
Kevin leaves in January. Late January/early February really. I've been looking at places and so has he. Nothing is definite, nothing is etched in stone. I don't know what is going on with our relationship. I don't know how he really feels about me because if he really cared I think he'd have tried to find a job nearby. He knew his job was relocating. Then he tries to put it on me and says I am leaving him bc I'm not going to Maryland. No, he is the one leaving.
I'm so tired though.
My moods they go so up and down sometimes but for the past few months (with the exeption of the few weeks I spent having periodic coffee ice cream) I have been consistently depressed.
Coffee ice cream was nice while it lasted. I hadn't expected it to go on forever bc nothing ever does last. I'd just wanted it to go on a bit longer than it had. I know it's my fault and I got too carried away.
That's the problem with life. It's about balance. If you let yourself get too happy something will come along to knock you down. If you're down then something might eventually come to say 'yes there is hope' but as soon as you let yourself believe and want and feel you are crushed to the dirt again.
I would say it is better not to feel at all but I wouldn't know.
I know I feel so numb a lot of the time and that nothing matters when I am in that state.
While I had coffee ice cream though my feelings were creeping back. I was becoming more confident and a trickling of the old Q was trying to return. I was writing again. I was reading. I was thinking.
I think that I must be miserable bc I spend so much time not thinking, in this state of doing what I am supposed to do.
Yeah I think the thing about the coffee ice cream is that I know I'm not supposed to have ice cream. Supposedly it is bad for you but there it was, and it was a rush of sweetness and feel goodness. I wasn't doing what I was "supposed to do" i was doing something that I wanted. I was doing stuff that was uncharacteristic of myself and yet brought me back to myself. I was thinking of what *I* wanted to do and what *I* would enjoy and it was something I had to myself without anyone else's knowledge or interference. It was my little secret and I have so few secrets. I'm always and never alone.
I live with kevin but we spend so much time apart in the house. We like different things and we are such different people.
I wasn't alone without Kevin. People didn't give me the chance. My friends and my family made sure I stayed busy and spent time w me. I guess I spent time out a lot more too. Kev wasn't home so I didn't have anything to come home to so I had no will to go home at a "reasonable time"
I bought lipgloss and eyeshadow.
I want/need more items from Sephora and Express.
I need to get back to the gym.
Cornflake and I are supposed to go to a lesbian bar/club tonight.
I'm actually looking forward to that.
I would like to lose weight.
At least 10 lbs. Ideally 15.
When I lose weight then I will be thin and sexy.
Lol when I used to be 100 lbs I would get dizzy spells more easily than I do now. I'd also spend a lot of time in bed reading. I'd eat nothing but blowpops for days. Skip breakfast and dinner. I ate french fries once a week. So of course I stayed thin. It'd be hard to have a job and keep up that kind of lifestyle I used to have.
I mean it'd be easier if I was alone to keep up that lifestyle bc I'm not going to have $$ for food anyway, but harder in that I'd do very poorly at work. Already I'm having concentration issues which I think must be a combination of the depression and poor eating habits.
Well got to keep going. Got to work.
Have work tomorrow too - Saturday.