what matters most
I have been stuck thinking of the things I should do. I would often ask for advice and in return get a couple of it. She would say that I should try and ultimately go for it. That there's nothing bad about trying. Nothing will be lost. But so we think it is. I have long known about my negative thoughts and how it constantly contradict the opinions of others. Of course, it does. They would encourage me to apply for a job here while visiting and go for an interview if everything goes well. I put a legal address, which is of my aunts but I would incessantly think if that's the right thing to do. I keep thinking that it is being deceitful.
I know it is not my intention, however, I really am staying here, abroad, for quite some time. I'm not working illegally for that matter. I'm merely looking for a job employment. It might not matter to some but that is where I get my doubts. It's not something yet, but it's just that I've always maintained a clean slate--of course this is me saying that. Thinking that maybe, it would be better if I changed my home address with the one in my country and let them decide. Still, it never slips my mind to occasionally lean on to what people say--that maybe IT COULD work. What if it works? What if I actually land a job?
I guess I just don't have the spine to go for a risk even for a cinch. I just don't want to have people thinking of me as deceitful. Sometimes I just wish that someone would do it for me because it seems that those pep talks don't even work on me.
Can you possibly relate to anything I feel? I want to do things the right way and wait. Maybe something or someone might knock on the door with a basketful of opportunities. Maybe. But turning the table a hundred and eighty degrees, what if nobody knocks? Nobody is going to force their way in for me. I'm so scared of being turned down. I'm so afraid of the negative consequences. I fear change and loss of comfort. But, it's still the same if a turn the other way. I just don't know how to push myself to the abyss of the unknown, fearlessly. How do I do it? How can I do it? How do I just do it? Because I keep thinking that there are other things I can do back in my own country. Things I can do without thinking of risking anything at all. But this ordeal for me is quite the wall. There's never a safe choice, is there?
In any case, it's then up to me to force my way out of the door.
I know it is not my intention, however, I really am staying here, abroad, for quite some time. I'm not working illegally for that matter. I'm merely looking for a job employment. It might not matter to some but that is where I get my doubts. It's not something yet, but it's just that I've always maintained a clean slate--of course this is me saying that. Thinking that maybe, it would be better if I changed my home address with the one in my country and let them decide. Still, it never slips my mind to occasionally lean on to what people say--that maybe IT COULD work. What if it works? What if I actually land a job?
I guess I just don't have the spine to go for a risk even for a cinch. I just don't want to have people thinking of me as deceitful. Sometimes I just wish that someone would do it for me because it seems that those pep talks don't even work on me.
Can you possibly relate to anything I feel? I want to do things the right way and wait. Maybe something or someone might knock on the door with a basketful of opportunities. Maybe. But turning the table a hundred and eighty degrees, what if nobody knocks? Nobody is going to force their way in for me. I'm so scared of being turned down. I'm so afraid of the negative consequences. I fear change and loss of comfort. But, it's still the same if a turn the other way. I just don't know how to push myself to the abyss of the unknown, fearlessly. How do I do it? How can I do it? How do I just do it? Because I keep thinking that there are other things I can do back in my own country. Things I can do without thinking of risking anything at all. But this ordeal for me is quite the wall. There's never a safe choice, is there?
In any case, it's then up to me to force my way out of the door.