neglect
To all of my friends I've been neglecting:
I'm so sorry. As usual my life is drama-filled and chaotic; but my ability to hold it all down seems to be lacking right now in a big way.
I don't know what im doing. i wish i had
time, sleep
clean clothes
food
feather pillows
body wash that doesnt break me out
time, sleep
time
sleep
some in-shell peanuts
and then more sleep.
i cant find my phone.
i'm wearing my tee shirt inside out because the regular side is dirty...
and. i dont have any quarters left to wash more clothes. good thing i keep finding clean shorts in my truck.
i guess i could get some at the bank. quarters, not shorts.
I had so many quarters. Where did they all go? I must have had 100 quarters.
my dad is looking to me for support
and i can hardly make it myself
from day to day
he bitched at me, on and on, for the pork chops being too lean
i'd never spend $7 on pork chops for me. i was trying to buy the good stuff
to make him happy.
but of course. it doesnt. because it means im high fallutin,
trying to be a rich bitch, and stupid with my money.
he never considers that i will sacrifice to get him what i thought was the best
i've been eating 99 cent rice noodle bowls from trader joes.. and they aint half bad..
sometimes i eat dollar store sour gummy bats with crystal light fruit punch...
but im no more high fallutin than i've ever been.
i know he's just scared and unhappy and angry
i feel like that sometimes, I feel like he acts
the thing is, i try not to go there, no matter how good it would feel
just to cry and stomp and be a big baby when i want something
and to try to manipulate people into giving me what i want
but the manipulating, it hurts
and the guilt tripping, hurts
and im gonna try my best not to be that
because it tends to create a big ball of resentment
which is not what im going for
in my relationships
The never being good enough for him; im used to it. But being used to it never really takes the sting away.
i miss my people. my friends.
so much.
and im scared to see them. i know its weird. There will be so many questions
that i dont want to or dont know how to answer. when i dont have the answers, i cant give answers.
i just want a pillow topped bed
at the bottom of some stairs
with a blue comforter
and stars hanging from the ceiling
and time
time to sleep and rest and really sleeeeeeeep deep until i wake up
and actually dont want to sleep no more
and i want my friends to cuddle with me like kittens
in a bright yellow nest of straw.
I'm so sorry. As usual my life is drama-filled and chaotic; but my ability to hold it all down seems to be lacking right now in a big way.
I don't know what im doing. i wish i had
time, sleep
clean clothes
food
feather pillows
body wash that doesnt break me out
time, sleep
time
sleep
some in-shell peanuts
and then more sleep.
i cant find my phone.
i'm wearing my tee shirt inside out because the regular side is dirty...
and. i dont have any quarters left to wash more clothes. good thing i keep finding clean shorts in my truck.
i guess i could get some at the bank. quarters, not shorts.
I had so many quarters. Where did they all go? I must have had 100 quarters.
my dad is looking to me for support
and i can hardly make it myself
from day to day
he bitched at me, on and on, for the pork chops being too lean
i'd never spend $7 on pork chops for me. i was trying to buy the good stuff
to make him happy.
but of course. it doesnt. because it means im high fallutin,
trying to be a rich bitch, and stupid with my money.
he never considers that i will sacrifice to get him what i thought was the best
i've been eating 99 cent rice noodle bowls from trader joes.. and they aint half bad..
sometimes i eat dollar store sour gummy bats with crystal light fruit punch...
but im no more high fallutin than i've ever been.
i know he's just scared and unhappy and angry
i feel like that sometimes, I feel like he acts
the thing is, i try not to go there, no matter how good it would feel
just to cry and stomp and be a big baby when i want something
and to try to manipulate people into giving me what i want
but the manipulating, it hurts
and the guilt tripping, hurts
and im gonna try my best not to be that
because it tends to create a big ball of resentment
which is not what im going for
in my relationships
The never being good enough for him; im used to it. But being used to it never really takes the sting away.
i miss my people. my friends.
so much.
and im scared to see them. i know its weird. There will be so many questions
that i dont want to or dont know how to answer. when i dont have the answers, i cant give answers.
i just want a pillow topped bed
at the bottom of some stairs
with a blue comforter
and stars hanging from the ceiling
and time
time to sleep and rest and really sleeeeeeeep deep until i wake up
and actually dont want to sleep no more
and i want my friends to cuddle with me like kittens
in a bright yellow nest of straw.