(no subject)
**Warning.. Rant.**
Ugh... Last night was... well. Okay, so we watched The Color of Fear, right? And it was pretty awesome. Got me thinking a lot. Good stuff. But in order to watch it, I had to stay up 'til past 1... Knowing that I had to wake up at 5. I figured it would be worth it though, and I could fall unconscious right away afterward, right? Wrong. The walls are so fucking thin in this place. I don't think people understand just how easily sound travels. And, how many times can I ask them to please have mercy and shut the hell up? Whenever I ask, it works... for 5 minutes. Then there's a huge burst of laughter that startles the hell out of me in my half-asleep state of being. God damn. Am I the only person in the whole campus that needs to wake up early on a regular basis? Arggghh! It wouldn't have been so bad, but for a while there, I was surrounded on both sides by big, loud groups of people. The random mostly-non-floor people in the kitchen and then the D&D people in the study lounge. And then to top it off, some guys were having a conversation in front of my door for a while. I dunno who, I didn't bother putting on my glasses. Actually, it's nice not being able to see, because then I don't feel quite so bad yelling, which is the only way to make any progress. It's not like people pay a whole lot of attention to me when I wander in half unconscious. Sometimes JeffN will say something, and I appreciate that... but most of the rest of the time, it's like I'm invisible. I just can't get people's attention, and when I somehow do (almost always because someone... ahh, how do I say this? More noteworthy? than me intervenes on my behalf), I can never keep it. Do I give off some sort of "my opinion is worth a warm dollop of dog shit" aura or something? It's not just the D&D crap, either. I've just noticed that -- I really am invisible, somehow. In classes too -- I'll offer an idea only to have it shrugged off, but then, every single time, a few minutes later, someone else comes up with the same idea, and it's all "Hey, yeah, that's a good idea, let's do it." I'm like a ghost -- a tiny voice in people's heads, but not a real person.
I'm sick of being nice. I'm sick of feeling like it's expected of me even during those times when I just really want to set something on fire. I'm sick of actively trying to include people, and then getting left out myself. I'm sick of not being able to find an opening to speak. I'm sick of people walking too fast for me to keep up. I'm sick of being talked down to. I'm sick of agreeing with people. I'm sick of people actively trying to change WHO I AM. I'm sick of wanting to change for those people. Who cares if it's easy to make me smile?? It makes me happy, obviously! Why should anyone else give a damn about whether or not I'm a "challenge" to get a giggle out of? Why does it matter if someone thinks I'm easily violated? How is telling me that any different from conditioning me into becoming just like everyone else? Speaking of which, everyone who feels they need to sit high up on their pedestals and correct my grammar -- fuck you. If I wanted someone to hold my hand over the way I talk, I would have been an english major. If you can understand my message, then does it matter??? Am I hurting myself or others? You know what that really does? It's a censorship device. It doesn't solve world hunger or cure cancer -- it just makes me a little bit more conscious of what and how I say things, and ya know what? I have huge problems working up the nerve to talk as it is, so I sure as hell don't need you throwing your two cents into that jar.
Know what else eats me up inside. Being taken advantage of. Especially like.. that one night when a bunch of people decided to make a fort, and I had to go to sleep.. and then, as I was falling asleep, came into my room giggling and whispering, and took my TV, and never asked, and have never put it back. I can't carry it by myself, but I guess that's what they were expecting me to do. Fuck you. I don't even know who the hell "you" is. It was dark and I didn't have my contacts in, so I can't even specifically go up to someone and say, "that was pretty shitty of you." It's not like it would be a huge risk to just ask. I like to share things. What really kills me though is that, even today when I bring it up from time to time to people I know were at least vaguely involved... and talk about how I dunno who did it, and how much I increasingly resent it.. No one speaks up.
Know what else really hurts? When I pass friends on the sidewalks, and they very obviously avoid eye contact with me. That's a slap in the face. No, it's worse than a slap in the face, because a slap is gone right away, and then everything is open, and usually well-vented. Avoiding looking at me just scares and depresses me and makes me wonder if you're ashamed of me or mad at me or what the hell is going on.
It hurts when people don't trust me, too. I'm not talking about with secrets. I'm talking about people who I deeply trusted and confided in, who were warm to me once... suddenly treating me like I've got some horrible contagious disease. Really openly, too. That seriously smashes my heart into little tiny bits. If you just don't like me a whole lot, that's fine.. but abruptly changing 3 months into the game just makes me worry that maybe it was all fake to begin with and it's only recently come to light that keeping me happy doesn't help you.
I think most of the steam is gone. Now I just feel dead. I dunno if I hurt anyone or not, but I dunno if I feel especially sorry, either, to be honest. At least, not sorry that I said something...
In the end, the TV isn’t something I really care about that much. I just wish someone would talk to me about it instead of keeping as some blacked-out, secret “joke on Jessica”. It just feels a lot like back in junior high when people used to take my books and laugh about it behind my back because they knew I suspected them, but that there was also nothing I could do about it. It’s not a very happy feeling, you know?
And with the D&D.. I dunno. I love watching you guys play, but you all get so excited about it that sleeping in the room next to you guys is difficult. Even once I’ve fallen asleep, it’s not very restful, and always full of bizarre nightmares. So maybe you guys could start playing downstairs in the main floor study lounge across from the big TV lounge? I don’t think that there are any people trying to sleep nearby, and it always makes me feel really crappy to have to tell you guys to stop having fun so I can sleep. It’s the sharp, sudden bursts of laughter and voices trying to be heard over the laughter that keep me awake. I’d be fine if it were a constant, continuous stream of indistinct sound, because I can tune that out really easily.. but the random excitement is like an alarm clock going off… every 10 minutes. And I can’t ask you guys not to laugh or enjoy yourselves… that’s not cool, you know?
Ugh. I get really easily upset when I'm short on sleep... Not to say that the things I get upset about are at all new... it's just not as easy to not express myself about them.
Ugh... Last night was... well. Okay, so we watched The Color of Fear, right? And it was pretty awesome. Got me thinking a lot. Good stuff. But in order to watch it, I had to stay up 'til past 1... Knowing that I had to wake up at 5. I figured it would be worth it though, and I could fall unconscious right away afterward, right? Wrong. The walls are so fucking thin in this place. I don't think people understand just how easily sound travels. And, how many times can I ask them to please have mercy and shut the hell up? Whenever I ask, it works... for 5 minutes. Then there's a huge burst of laughter that startles the hell out of me in my half-asleep state of being. God damn. Am I the only person in the whole campus that needs to wake up early on a regular basis? Arggghh! It wouldn't have been so bad, but for a while there, I was surrounded on both sides by big, loud groups of people. The random mostly-non-floor people in the kitchen and then the D&D people in the study lounge. And then to top it off, some guys were having a conversation in front of my door for a while. I dunno who, I didn't bother putting on my glasses. Actually, it's nice not being able to see, because then I don't feel quite so bad yelling, which is the only way to make any progress. It's not like people pay a whole lot of attention to me when I wander in half unconscious. Sometimes JeffN will say something, and I appreciate that... but most of the rest of the time, it's like I'm invisible. I just can't get people's attention, and when I somehow do (almost always because someone... ahh, how do I say this? More noteworthy? than me intervenes on my behalf), I can never keep it. Do I give off some sort of "my opinion is worth a warm dollop of dog shit" aura or something? It's not just the D&D crap, either. I've just noticed that -- I really am invisible, somehow. In classes too -- I'll offer an idea only to have it shrugged off, but then, every single time, a few minutes later, someone else comes up with the same idea, and it's all "Hey, yeah, that's a good idea, let's do it." I'm like a ghost -- a tiny voice in people's heads, but not a real person.
I'm sick of being nice. I'm sick of feeling like it's expected of me even during those times when I just really want to set something on fire. I'm sick of actively trying to include people, and then getting left out myself. I'm sick of not being able to find an opening to speak. I'm sick of people walking too fast for me to keep up. I'm sick of being talked down to. I'm sick of agreeing with people. I'm sick of people actively trying to change WHO I AM. I'm sick of wanting to change for those people. Who cares if it's easy to make me smile?? It makes me happy, obviously! Why should anyone else give a damn about whether or not I'm a "challenge" to get a giggle out of? Why does it matter if someone thinks I'm easily violated? How is telling me that any different from conditioning me into becoming just like everyone else? Speaking of which, everyone who feels they need to sit high up on their pedestals and correct my grammar -- fuck you. If I wanted someone to hold my hand over the way I talk, I would have been an english major. If you can understand my message, then does it matter??? Am I hurting myself or others? You know what that really does? It's a censorship device. It doesn't solve world hunger or cure cancer -- it just makes me a little bit more conscious of what and how I say things, and ya know what? I have huge problems working up the nerve to talk as it is, so I sure as hell don't need you throwing your two cents into that jar.
Know what else eats me up inside. Being taken advantage of. Especially like.. that one night when a bunch of people decided to make a fort, and I had to go to sleep.. and then, as I was falling asleep, came into my room giggling and whispering, and took my TV, and never asked, and have never put it back. I can't carry it by myself, but I guess that's what they were expecting me to do. Fuck you. I don't even know who the hell "you" is. It was dark and I didn't have my contacts in, so I can't even specifically go up to someone and say, "that was pretty shitty of you." It's not like it would be a huge risk to just ask. I like to share things. What really kills me though is that, even today when I bring it up from time to time to people I know were at least vaguely involved... and talk about how I dunno who did it, and how much I increasingly resent it.. No one speaks up.
Know what else really hurts? When I pass friends on the sidewalks, and they very obviously avoid eye contact with me. That's a slap in the face. No, it's worse than a slap in the face, because a slap is gone right away, and then everything is open, and usually well-vented. Avoiding looking at me just scares and depresses me and makes me wonder if you're ashamed of me or mad at me or what the hell is going on.
It hurts when people don't trust me, too. I'm not talking about with secrets. I'm talking about people who I deeply trusted and confided in, who were warm to me once... suddenly treating me like I've got some horrible contagious disease. Really openly, too. That seriously smashes my heart into little tiny bits. If you just don't like me a whole lot, that's fine.. but abruptly changing 3 months into the game just makes me worry that maybe it was all fake to begin with and it's only recently come to light that keeping me happy doesn't help you.
I think most of the steam is gone. Now I just feel dead. I dunno if I hurt anyone or not, but I dunno if I feel especially sorry, either, to be honest. At least, not sorry that I said something...
In the end, the TV isn’t something I really care about that much. I just wish someone would talk to me about it instead of keeping as some blacked-out, secret “joke on Jessica”. It just feels a lot like back in junior high when people used to take my books and laugh about it behind my back because they knew I suspected them, but that there was also nothing I could do about it. It’s not a very happy feeling, you know?
And with the D&D.. I dunno. I love watching you guys play, but you all get so excited about it that sleeping in the room next to you guys is difficult. Even once I’ve fallen asleep, it’s not very restful, and always full of bizarre nightmares. So maybe you guys could start playing downstairs in the main floor study lounge across from the big TV lounge? I don’t think that there are any people trying to sleep nearby, and it always makes me feel really crappy to have to tell you guys to stop having fun so I can sleep. It’s the sharp, sudden bursts of laughter and voices trying to be heard over the laughter that keep me awake. I’d be fine if it were a constant, continuous stream of indistinct sound, because I can tune that out really easily.. but the random excitement is like an alarm clock going off… every 10 minutes. And I can’t ask you guys not to laugh or enjoy yourselves… that’s not cool, you know?
Ugh. I get really easily upset when I'm short on sleep... Not to say that the things I get upset about are at all new... it's just not as easy to not express myself about them.