Colorado Day 5
Maybe it is a really good thing that I'm talking to Brian every couple of days. I'm starting to realize that this relationship shouldn't have gotten past Malaysia. I honestly wasn't sexually attracted to him like I should have been. He says I didn't want to be touched and pushed him away our entire time together. I don't remember that. I think it started after we had that huge fight in the restaurant. But really, it doesn't matter because, in the end, if you're not sexually compatible, you definitely shouldn't get married. You probably shouldn't even be in a relationship.
He thought I didn't want affection at all. I thought he didn't love me because he never gave it to me. He says he felt rejected and like I wanted nothing to do with him. Ridiculous. If I'm with someone I really want to be with, I want to be touching them all the time. I don't cuddle at night because I get too warm, but otherwise, hand holding, kissing, hugging... all must haves for me. And Brian never thought that. For 6 damn years!
Clearly this relationship shouldn't have lasted. I should have said something. So many times. Why didn't I? I know I'm capable of having incredibly sexual relationships. I had one that lasted for years. True, we weren't in an actual relationship, but to some extent we were. There was never a time I didn't want some kind of attention from that guy.
Just another thing that should have been a red flag. We both never really talked about it. It's hard to tell someone you're not attracted to them anymore. You stay and hope that someday it will come back. And when it doesn't, you fake it. I still don't believe I was completely stand offish until it was later in our relationship, but still, I should have said something instead of making another person feel rejected and unwanted for an extended period of time.
I love how I feel guilty after every phone conversation.
He thought I didn't want affection at all. I thought he didn't love me because he never gave it to me. He says he felt rejected and like I wanted nothing to do with him. Ridiculous. If I'm with someone I really want to be with, I want to be touching them all the time. I don't cuddle at night because I get too warm, but otherwise, hand holding, kissing, hugging... all must haves for me. And Brian never thought that. For 6 damn years!
Clearly this relationship shouldn't have lasted. I should have said something. So many times. Why didn't I? I know I'm capable of having incredibly sexual relationships. I had one that lasted for years. True, we weren't in an actual relationship, but to some extent we were. There was never a time I didn't want some kind of attention from that guy.
Just another thing that should have been a red flag. We both never really talked about it. It's hard to tell someone you're not attracted to them anymore. You stay and hope that someday it will come back. And when it doesn't, you fake it. I still don't believe I was completely stand offish until it was later in our relationship, but still, I should have said something instead of making another person feel rejected and unwanted for an extended period of time.
I love how I feel guilty after every phone conversation.