(no subject)
so the retreat was pretty awesome. i had a lot of fun and stuff. as long as i'm playing guitar i'm pretty much having a really good time. however it also somehow made me feel like the worst person ever.
1)_what was the number? like people who make $44,000 for their entire family is average in the US, but they are in the top 3% of the richest people in the world... so what does that make me? and at times i've wished we had more money. what the hell is wrong with me?
2)_back to being selfish. you know what has made me excited lately? expensive things. my ipod. perfume. CLOTHES. why have i all of a sudden gotten obsessed with expensive clothes.. are they really that much better than cheaper ones? and why am i getting some sick satisfaction and temporary happiness from that? and you know what's even sadder? i'm realizing this and yet i don't want to change. you know the kid who comes home and is changed and is like "oh, i'll give all my things to people that really need them.. or sell them and give the money to the poor." i can't do that. and i don't know why. it is somehow still important to me.
3)_to be nice, my behavior lately has been awful. i don't know who i've become but it's definitely somebody i don't want to be. and definitely not somebody that i want to be in the future. what has the definition of fun become for me? i don't even wanna say it.
4)_bottom line, all i really want is to be the person i really am, not the person i've made myself be. it's like i created a monster of myself. and again the saddest part.. as much as i genuinely want to make a lot of changes.. at the same time, i don't. and i just can't understand why i'm struggling so much.
really, i feel so un-worthy and at the same time so lucky. don't get me wrong with all that.. i'm so blessed and my life is so incredibly good. but really what did i do to deserve all the things i have? the most amazing person i have ever met in my whole entire life is my best friend. how does that happen? i mean if i was hannah, i would've given up and headed for the hills a long time ago. i'm totally not a good friend. i get too self absorbed and don't see the needs of the people around me. and honestly, i just wish i could be a better friend and be a better person.. be the person i really wanna be. ehhh whatever i'm leaving
1)_what was the number? like people who make $44,000 for their entire family is average in the US, but they are in the top 3% of the richest people in the world... so what does that make me? and at times i've wished we had more money. what the hell is wrong with me?
2)_back to being selfish. you know what has made me excited lately? expensive things. my ipod. perfume. CLOTHES. why have i all of a sudden gotten obsessed with expensive clothes.. are they really that much better than cheaper ones? and why am i getting some sick satisfaction and temporary happiness from that? and you know what's even sadder? i'm realizing this and yet i don't want to change. you know the kid who comes home and is changed and is like "oh, i'll give all my things to people that really need them.. or sell them and give the money to the poor." i can't do that. and i don't know why. it is somehow still important to me.
3)_to be nice, my behavior lately has been awful. i don't know who i've become but it's definitely somebody i don't want to be. and definitely not somebody that i want to be in the future. what has the definition of fun become for me? i don't even wanna say it.
4)_bottom line, all i really want is to be the person i really am, not the person i've made myself be. it's like i created a monster of myself. and again the saddest part.. as much as i genuinely want to make a lot of changes.. at the same time, i don't. and i just can't understand why i'm struggling so much.
really, i feel so un-worthy and at the same time so lucky. don't get me wrong with all that.. i'm so blessed and my life is so incredibly good. but really what did i do to deserve all the things i have? the most amazing person i have ever met in my whole entire life is my best friend. how does that happen? i mean if i was hannah, i would've given up and headed for the hills a long time ago. i'm totally not a good friend. i get too self absorbed and don't see the needs of the people around me. and honestly, i just wish i could be a better friend and be a better person.. be the person i really wanna be. ehhh whatever i'm leaving