Bullet Proof
Title: Bullet Proof
Characters: Lexie and Meredith
Rating: PG
Summary: A long over due conversation takes place between the sisters in a most unusual place.
"Why do you want me in your life so bad Lexie? Like you said, I’m not the greatest big sister.”
“You’re my big sister though, and sometimes you’re all I have. Do you know what it feels like to be alone? To know that there are people who care about you, but they have their own lives and forget you exist?”
Author’s Note: I heard this song the other day. It seemed to haunt me and a story cried out to be told. While I am sure the song is about a man and woman, I am taking liberty with the underlying theme and using it for Meredith and Lexie. The song is Bullet Proof and it is sung by this amazing singer named Kerli.
Bullet Proof
Just a simple touch, just a little glance
Makes me feel like flyin’.
But where are you tonight? Something isn’t right,
Can you please stop hiding?
Dried leaves the color of antique gold blew across the light colored suede and lamb’s wool boots of the dark haired woman standing outside Everlasting Memories Garden of Peace. The irony of the cemetery’s name didn’t go unnoticed, and if she had been there for any purpose other than the one she was there for, she might have giggled at the idea of a garden full of dead bodies. Seeing how one of those bodies belonged to her mother and another to the mother of her sister, it wasn’t quite so humorous after all.
Wrapping her arms around her waist, Lexie Grey took a tentative first step into the so called garden they had planted her mother in. Death was a part of life, as a doctor she understood that concept all to well. The daughter in her still couldn’t believe death had claimed her mother, though, and so it was with anger and resentment she made her way to the pink, marble head stone that bore her mother’s name.
She crouched down, one gloved hand reaching out to lovingly trace her mother’s name. Susan Elizabeth Grey, loving wife and mother. The name blurred as her blue eyes filled with tears. She blinked rapidly, sending the liquid grief streaking down her pale cheeks. She had never felt so alone. Molly was busy with her little family and trying to have another baby now that Brian was home. Thatcher was nonexistent anymore. And Meredith, well, she was another issue altogether.
It seemed that for every step Lexie took in the right direction with Meredith, her older sister took five backwards. The strain was getting to be more than the younger woman could bear. She hadn’t thought she was asking for too much; just the occasional hello and maybe a brief hug or two. The few simple touches Meredith had granted her had been cataloged away, to be pulled out in moments like this when Lexie needed to be reminded that she wasn’t as alone as she thought.
I’m trying to not think about, all the things you did before
But sometimes it all just gets to me
I can’t take it anymore. I’ll stay with you, but remember to
Be careful what you do, cause I’m not bulletproof.
Every day it was a struggle to love Meredith. She had promised though. She had promised her mother that one day she would be Meredith’s family. Her mother had tried, and Lexie had picked up where she had left off. Trying to love Meredith wasn’t easy, at times it was down right painful. It wasn’t anything Meredith did or said, at least not anymore. It was more what she didn’t do, what she didn’t say. She didn’t tell her friends to back off because Lexie was her sister, and she didn’t ask whether or not the hateful words her best friend liked to throw at Lexie caused any pain. No, Meredith seemed oblivious to anything but herself.
“I’m trying Mama,” Lexie whispered, her finger still tracing the well loved name. Her lower lip trembled. “I’m trying to love Meredith like I told you I would.”
In your secret place, staring into space
Leaves me feeling frozen.
I just need to feel, that what we have is real,
And I’m the one you’ve chosen.
The crunch of leaves behind her stiffens Lexie’s body. Her free hand automatically went for the can of Mace George made her carry in her pocket. The smell of vanilla and lavender relaxed her tense muscles slightly. The sound of a familiar voice almost melted her.
“Lexie?” Meredith asked, crouching down next to her. Lexie looked over at her older sister, need and misery etched on her face. “I didn’t know she was buried here. I would have brought flowers for her to if I had known. Next time, I‘ll remember.”
The simple gesture of offering to bring flowers was more than Lexie could bear. She felt her dam breaking, the last six months bearing down on her. She was so tired of being strong, of pretending her life was happy and okay when it was anything but.
“She was a good person,” Lexie choked, her palm flattening over her mother’s name. “She was one of those people who should have lived forever so everyone could know her.”
“I know,” Meredith said softly. Her fingers hesitantly touched Lexie’s, and then assertively grabbed her sister’s hand. “I never had to wonder how she felt about me, because she was upfront about it right from the start.”
“She loved you,” Lexie sniffed, looking in Meredith’s direction. “She loved you as much as I love you.”
Uncertainty crinkled Meredith’s face. “Yeah, about that, I don’t get why. Why do you want me in your life so bad Lexie? Like you said, I’m not the greatest big sister.”
“You’re my big sister though, and sometimes you’re all I have. Do you know what it feels like to be alone? To know that there are people who care about you, but they have their own lives and forget you exist?” Molly didn’t mean to forget her, Lexie knew that. Her younger sister had her own life though, and didn’t understand the hectic, almost impossible, life an intern led. “Am I just that forgettable of a person?”
“No,” Meredith said firmly, shaking her head. “And I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel that way. I just don’t know how to be what you want me to be, Lexie. I don’t know how to be a sister or to act like I’m part of a family. I don’t know how to show people I care.”
I’m trying to not think about, all the things you did before
But sometimes it all just gets to me
I can’t take it anymore. I’ll stay with you, but remember to
Be careful what you do, cause I’m not bulletproof.
“I want you to defend me. When Cristina says you don’t want me in your life I want you to care enough about me to tell her she’s wrong. I get that she’s your friend and that she’s been there for you, but damn it Meredith, I’m your sister. And that means something. It has to mean something.” Lexie cried, stumbling to her feet. Meredith’s hold on her hand was all that kept her from falling over. She tried to tug her fingers free, realizing Meredith was never going to give her what she wanted or needed.
Meredith refused to relinquish the hold she had on Lexie’s fingers. Her grip tightened. “I can do that.” She said quietly. “I didn’t realize it bothered you. I thought that as long as you knew…”
Be careful what you say,
Be careful what you do,
I’m not bullet proof
“That’s just it. I don’t know. When it comes to you, I don’t know anything.” Lexie sobbed, wishing she could wrap her arms around herself. She needed the comfort of feeling loved, of feeling as though she was in the embrace of a person who cared. She closed her eyes, trying to conjure up the pretense of comfort. Warmth wrapped around her, tightening and holding her close. It felt so real, so full of love, she had to open her eyes to remind herself it was just a figment of her imagination. It wasn’t her imagination though, it was Meredith.
“I love you,” Meredith asserted, holding tighter. “I have never said that to any member of my family before, but I am saying it to you. I love you Lexie. Don’t ever forget that. Especially when I’m all dark and twisty.”
I’m not bullet proof