(no subject)
i am the most obvious person in the world.
yet still, there are those oblivious ones.
is it weird to think that i've changed? i've only been here 2 months.
i don't feel like going home. i feel like it's too much of a bother. last time when i left and went home i felt so anxious, i wanted to go back so badly. i have no idea how i'm going to handle winter break. it's like my whole life i didn't feel like i fit in anywhere or with anyone and then i get here and i fit. i fit in somewhere. i have more than 2 friends who are genuine, honest to goodness friends. for some reason it's making me think of sophomore year. i think that's because that's when i first realized that people go to college eventually and that it really isn't all that far away. i just remember feeling so anxious and hurt all the time, like wearing a giant weight on top of my chest. i can even remember how the paint on the walls at school looked like an oppressive shade of yellow. i wore black all the time and loved my hair covering my face. i never told anyone how i actually felt about them and wore ridiculous bright shades of red lipstick. all i listened to was punk and some cat stevens. what a weird kid, no wonder i had no friends. back then it seemed like all the stupid girls had boyfriends and friends. it was like you had to act like a dumbass or a total douchebag in order to be liked. i was so miserable and stifled.
and now everyone asks when i'll be back for thanksgiving. how much time can we all squeeze in together? and what? to feel like we all did 6 months ago? no thank you. i will sit in that diner with you, but my mind will be somewhere else, like it always was.
last year waiting for my friends from college to come home was like waiting for some sort of savior. it was like a reassurance that one day things can be okay. but going home i don't feel like i have that much to look forward to, except finally seeing Casey and Ralph. they're so awesome, i could not hang out with them for years and then see them again and it would still be like we never left each other...did that make sense?
i guess i just finally feel like things are making sense for me.
yet still, there are those oblivious ones.
is it weird to think that i've changed? i've only been here 2 months.
i don't feel like going home. i feel like it's too much of a bother. last time when i left and went home i felt so anxious, i wanted to go back so badly. i have no idea how i'm going to handle winter break. it's like my whole life i didn't feel like i fit in anywhere or with anyone and then i get here and i fit. i fit in somewhere. i have more than 2 friends who are genuine, honest to goodness friends. for some reason it's making me think of sophomore year. i think that's because that's when i first realized that people go to college eventually and that it really isn't all that far away. i just remember feeling so anxious and hurt all the time, like wearing a giant weight on top of my chest. i can even remember how the paint on the walls at school looked like an oppressive shade of yellow. i wore black all the time and loved my hair covering my face. i never told anyone how i actually felt about them and wore ridiculous bright shades of red lipstick. all i listened to was punk and some cat stevens. what a weird kid, no wonder i had no friends. back then it seemed like all the stupid girls had boyfriends and friends. it was like you had to act like a dumbass or a total douchebag in order to be liked. i was so miserable and stifled.
and now everyone asks when i'll be back for thanksgiving. how much time can we all squeeze in together? and what? to feel like we all did 6 months ago? no thank you. i will sit in that diner with you, but my mind will be somewhere else, like it always was.
last year waiting for my friends from college to come home was like waiting for some sort of savior. it was like a reassurance that one day things can be okay. but going home i don't feel like i have that much to look forward to, except finally seeing Casey and Ralph. they're so awesome, i could not hang out with them for years and then see them again and it would still be like we never left each other...did that make sense?
i guess i just finally feel like things are making sense for me.