...like a bottle on the ocean.

[karenland]

My mind is tossing about like ... well, you know, like a bottle on the ocean. I'm watching "You've got mail" on my parents' television. I'm seeing a "counselor" and a Dr. for depression. They are trying me on two different medications. There is something, like an anchor or a suit of lead, like the ones at the dentist's office when they're taking x-rays, holding me in place. No matter how hard I work, no matter which direction I go, or how well I've been taking care of myself, I cannot relieve this weight in my mind, much less identify it or it's source. Oh, I have some ideas ...

Anyway, I'm exhausted from helping my parents pack their house and clean and paint and pack and beck and call and spend my food stamps running errands for you... oh, sorry, unsolicited bitterness... After all, they have done so much for me. Now they are moving to Maine and selling the house in El Dorado Hills. Mixed feelings, old feelings of abandonment, boo hoo, and a feeling of finally being free - able to take responsibility for my success and failure and everything in between, yes, now it's all mine. Joy, joy, oh happy day...

So, I've applied for Folsom Lake Community College, finished my financial aid applications, looking forward to assessment tests and orientation and finally, enrollment into some classes, certificates and degrees and a selection of good jobs that are worth my personal energy! I'm sure there is tons between that I can't possibly prepare for...

I choose life.