Getting to know me, Part Two...or 1.25...or something.
Ok, some questions for myself... What moves me? When I asked this of myself before, I was thinking. The question in itself implies feeling. I think I was not really reaching deep enough. I am far more emotional than I am willing to show.
Romantic movies make me cry. Why? Because, in my heart I am mourning the loss of the most perfect (with my clearest hindsight eyes)relationship. It was balanced, romantic, intelligent, fun, balanced (did I already say that?)
Yes, so I fear over-powering my partner. I fear having to let them go because I grew out of them and they stayed where they were, or, because I am not perfect. I have deep pain and flaws that I still am healing from - and should anyone see this side of me, they would surely be disappointed at my weakness. I have a hard time believing that someone could love me the way I am.
I mean, I do my very best to admit when I am wrong, to be honest (even though I have been known to puss-out when honesty causes pain), to apologize when those spiteful things fly out of my mouth - I mean right away, not after a little hissy-fit. Sometimes I need to express my thoughts so bad, to be brutally honest, but I don't. I know it will hurt. Maybe I shouldn't care about the injuring of an ego.
People have a difficult time differentiating between heart pain and ego pain. People have a hard time telling the difference between loving a perception of a person that they have built in their head and loving - really loving - an individual, their spirit, the way they smell and the sound of their breath and their heart, no matter what they do to hurt you, no matter what you must do to make sure they are happy, even if that means allowing them to be, without you.
People love this funny way. They always picture themselves together with this person, but their focus is on themselves or what others are thinking or whatever superficial thing that happens to be in the way of them truly loving. They cannot seem to see past their own nose.
These are things I cannot say. Brutal truth is unattractive and is seen as an insult or an intentional jab. Damn the human mind and it's stupid, self-necessitating, complex thought patterns!
I could be happy if it were more simple. The truth is simple. I don't know where to go from here. Maybe I'll sleep on it - or write later.
Romantic movies make me cry. Why? Because, in my heart I am mourning the loss of the most perfect (with my clearest hindsight eyes)relationship. It was balanced, romantic, intelligent, fun, balanced (did I already say that?)
Yes, so I fear over-powering my partner. I fear having to let them go because I grew out of them and they stayed where they were, or, because I am not perfect. I have deep pain and flaws that I still am healing from - and should anyone see this side of me, they would surely be disappointed at my weakness. I have a hard time believing that someone could love me the way I am.
I mean, I do my very best to admit when I am wrong, to be honest (even though I have been known to puss-out when honesty causes pain), to apologize when those spiteful things fly out of my mouth - I mean right away, not after a little hissy-fit. Sometimes I need to express my thoughts so bad, to be brutally honest, but I don't. I know it will hurt. Maybe I shouldn't care about the injuring of an ego.
People have a difficult time differentiating between heart pain and ego pain. People have a hard time telling the difference between loving a perception of a person that they have built in their head and loving - really loving - an individual, their spirit, the way they smell and the sound of their breath and their heart, no matter what they do to hurt you, no matter what you must do to make sure they are happy, even if that means allowing them to be, without you.
People love this funny way. They always picture themselves together with this person, but their focus is on themselves or what others are thinking or whatever superficial thing that happens to be in the way of them truly loving. They cannot seem to see past their own nose.
These are things I cannot say. Brutal truth is unattractive and is seen as an insult or an intentional jab. Damn the human mind and it's stupid, self-necessitating, complex thought patterns!
I could be happy if it were more simple. The truth is simple. I don't know where to go from here. Maybe I'll sleep on it - or write later.