what's this emotion?
strange concoction of weirdness.
i'm sad because i feel my friendships changing, which isn't as bad as it would have been 20 years ago, but still hard. you know that feeling you got when you realized your parents were buttholes and imperfect and the disappointment you felt? yeah, that. i tend to put folks on pedestals and think they are 'so awesome' and then realize they are humans, too. so it's my big fat fucking fault. i expect. i have expectations. bad me. and i have a hard time when people realize that about me, too...when my friends realize that i'm getting on their nerves and snap at me, or speak to me in a tone i don't like. yeah, that shit rubs me the wrong way.
so ruby is turning 6 soon. i started this journal right after she was born. anyway, she wants to do a pirate party. she wants to be the captain of said party. so she isn't inviting two of my best mommy-friends' kids, who are HER best friends...which is weird. no olivia, no maggie, so that means no kitty and no ann for me. i asked her why and she said 'well, there can only be one captain, and both of them will try to be captain because they are kinda bossy, and it's my birthday, so i want to be captain'. well, there's no arguing with that logic....but now i feel like i have to be secretive so my girlfriends don't get their feelings hurt? wtfever.
and next season in derby will be strange. many girls are retiring (shhhhhhh, those of you on my FL who I know IRDL (in real derby life) don't you say a word) so the dynamic will be odd for a while.
we're going to Nationals next week. that will be simultaneously fun and a kick in the head. hm.
i'm sad because i feel my friendships changing, which isn't as bad as it would have been 20 years ago, but still hard. you know that feeling you got when you realized your parents were buttholes and imperfect and the disappointment you felt? yeah, that. i tend to put folks on pedestals and think they are 'so awesome' and then realize they are humans, too. so it's my big fat fucking fault. i expect. i have expectations. bad me. and i have a hard time when people realize that about me, too...when my friends realize that i'm getting on their nerves and snap at me, or speak to me in a tone i don't like. yeah, that shit rubs me the wrong way.
so ruby is turning 6 soon. i started this journal right after she was born. anyway, she wants to do a pirate party. she wants to be the captain of said party. so she isn't inviting two of my best mommy-friends' kids, who are HER best friends...which is weird. no olivia, no maggie, so that means no kitty and no ann for me. i asked her why and she said 'well, there can only be one captain, and both of them will try to be captain because they are kinda bossy, and it's my birthday, so i want to be captain'. well, there's no arguing with that logic....but now i feel like i have to be secretive so my girlfriends don't get their feelings hurt? wtfever.
and next season in derby will be strange. many girls are retiring (shhhhhhh, those of you on my FL who I know IRDL (in real derby life) don't you say a word) so the dynamic will be odd for a while.
we're going to Nationals next week. that will be simultaneously fun and a kick in the head. hm.