Pros and Cons
So, I'm back again. Back in the midwest, that is. I come here about twice a year to visit extended family and high school/church friends. Every time I come back, I think about what life would be like if I moved back. I think about what it would TAKE to move back - or rather, what I would have to give up.
This is what I have so far:
Pros to moving back:
Extended family
Friends from long ago (few, but one or two important ones)
Simpler life
Safer area
People with similar backgrounds and morals
Not a city
Closer to my immediate family
Seasons/Weather exist
Cons to moving back:
Losing Aaron (biggest loss...nearly unbearable)
Changing jobs
Extended family (notice how this is on both lists)
Not as many things to do
More people with closed minds
MOVING (it sucks)
Greater possibility of feeling trapped.
No real circle of friends to hang out with.
All in all, I know that in moving to California for college, I was running away from my life in IL. Granted, looking back, I still wouldn't change it, because I know that the move was the only way to solve some things. Still, I don't want to consider moving back to IL just to escape the stress of my job. I can't just keep running... And, I know there's stress in the midwest, but it hides itself while I am here because I'm relaxing and on vacation.
Coming here is like cleaning an infected wound. I feel like, when I'm here, the deepest part of me finally relaxes. Like the bandage has been removed and the wound can breathe. But something deep inside starts aching when I'm here too - like a disinfecting ointment. I don't know what hurts, or why it hurts, but it does. It makes me hate and love my trips home. Kind of feels like I can release the feelings and tears that have been held back by dams of stress, dams of responsibility, expectation, and desire to be seen as someone under control.
All in all, I think the trip here reminds me how sick I am of jumping through hoops, of making others happy, of being a puppet.
I just want...I don't know. I guess I want my cake and eat it, too.
I want to be who I am, and yet I want to fit in, in one place or the other.
I want Aaron to be who he is, yet I want him to share my background and love families the way I do - I want him to have the understanding that would only come from growing up here, and it's not possible.
I want to teach and make a difference in the lives of children, but I'm tired of being used.
*sigh*
The poem below was on a friend's LJ, and it seemed fitting. It's not about Aaron, but rather about my lives - the life I had here, and the life I have there. Is it worth staying somewhere when you realize that it's slowly pulling you under?
when i'm with you
i feel like my soul is dying,
like every good light
has gone out.
this, they say, is love
-i don't think so.
love in my experience
doesn't cloud
my sense of self-
love should make me
feel alive.
but this is friendship-
right? this is-
this is something;
this is work
and i am weary.
The mere thought of returning to California makes the knot in my stomach tighten, even now. Maybe I just haven't been on break long enough...
This is what I have so far:
Pros to moving back:
Extended family
Friends from long ago (few, but one or two important ones)
Simpler life
Safer area
People with similar backgrounds and morals
Not a city
Closer to my immediate family
Seasons/Weather exist
Cons to moving back:
Losing Aaron (biggest loss...nearly unbearable)
Changing jobs
Extended family (notice how this is on both lists)
Not as many things to do
More people with closed minds
MOVING (it sucks)
Greater possibility of feeling trapped.
No real circle of friends to hang out with.
All in all, I know that in moving to California for college, I was running away from my life in IL. Granted, looking back, I still wouldn't change it, because I know that the move was the only way to solve some things. Still, I don't want to consider moving back to IL just to escape the stress of my job. I can't just keep running... And, I know there's stress in the midwest, but it hides itself while I am here because I'm relaxing and on vacation.
Coming here is like cleaning an infected wound. I feel like, when I'm here, the deepest part of me finally relaxes. Like the bandage has been removed and the wound can breathe. But something deep inside starts aching when I'm here too - like a disinfecting ointment. I don't know what hurts, or why it hurts, but it does. It makes me hate and love my trips home. Kind of feels like I can release the feelings and tears that have been held back by dams of stress, dams of responsibility, expectation, and desire to be seen as someone under control.
All in all, I think the trip here reminds me how sick I am of jumping through hoops, of making others happy, of being a puppet.
I just want...I don't know. I guess I want my cake and eat it, too.
I want to be who I am, and yet I want to fit in, in one place or the other.
I want Aaron to be who he is, yet I want him to share my background and love families the way I do - I want him to have the understanding that would only come from growing up here, and it's not possible.
I want to teach and make a difference in the lives of children, but I'm tired of being used.
*sigh*
The poem below was on a friend's LJ, and it seemed fitting. It's not about Aaron, but rather about my lives - the life I had here, and the life I have there. Is it worth staying somewhere when you realize that it's slowly pulling you under?
when i'm with you
i feel like my soul is dying,
like every good light
has gone out.
this, they say, is love
-i don't think so.
love in my experience
doesn't cloud
my sense of self-
love should make me
feel alive.
but this is friendship-
right? this is-
this is something;
this is work
and i am weary.
The mere thought of returning to California makes the knot in my stomach tighten, even now. Maybe I just haven't been on break long enough...