Today is like soggy feet with miles to walk.
Im so lonely. I want arms to hold me. I want something to fill this void, someone to throw myself at and mean it. I wish i could hold you for real :'(
Im sick. I feel like there is a little man pouring arsenic down my throat in a continuous rythm and a crappy garage punk rock band playing in my head. I feel like Im going to die everytime I swallow. My body aches.
Summer is fading and I can feel it.
Ms. Im-snooty-and-nosy-and-I-know-what-you-want-so-let-me-tell-you counselor gave me a full schedule.
Fuck.
I cant take Creative Writing because of band.
The people in band suck. It isnt a family, it is a rivalry and a flirtaceous home base, it is a place to act dumb, a place to hurt people that care. A place to sweat your bones away, knowing that you wont get past a "good" in competitions because half the Band refuses to put some bloody effort into it. Going to fecking practice every cursed day so that you can hear the same lecture, from different people, in different ways, over and over again. I hate band this year. And that is so horrid because I LOVE MARCHING AND I LOVE MUSIC AND I LOVE EVERYTHING THAT BAND IS SUPPOSED TO BE. But its none of that. its gossip and its hatred and its competition between friends. Its haughty attitudes and picking at one another. Its never feeling comfortable where you are, for fear of inferiority or being yelled at or being forced to do things that you would never do for anyone else, but that you have to do because the Drum Major/Section Leader/ Teacher says so. I hate band this year.
I have lost God. Who is He? Is He really someone that I can trust to keep me safe, when Im brought down daily? Is He really something real when I have such a hard time even believing at all anymore? Is He real? Or am I too easily bought through emotion and through other people's words?
Im broken and Im lost and Im lonely and Im sick.
*sigh*
Im sick. I feel like there is a little man pouring arsenic down my throat in a continuous rythm and a crappy garage punk rock band playing in my head. I feel like Im going to die everytime I swallow. My body aches.
Summer is fading and I can feel it.
Ms. Im-snooty-and-nosy-and-I-know-what-you-want-so-let-me-tell-you counselor gave me a full schedule.
Fuck.
I cant take Creative Writing because of band.
The people in band suck. It isnt a family, it is a rivalry and a flirtaceous home base, it is a place to act dumb, a place to hurt people that care. A place to sweat your bones away, knowing that you wont get past a "good" in competitions because half the Band refuses to put some bloody effort into it. Going to fecking practice every cursed day so that you can hear the same lecture, from different people, in different ways, over and over again. I hate band this year. And that is so horrid because I LOVE MARCHING AND I LOVE MUSIC AND I LOVE EVERYTHING THAT BAND IS SUPPOSED TO BE. But its none of that. its gossip and its hatred and its competition between friends. Its haughty attitudes and picking at one another. Its never feeling comfortable where you are, for fear of inferiority or being yelled at or being forced to do things that you would never do for anyone else, but that you have to do because the Drum Major/Section Leader/ Teacher says so. I hate band this year.
I have lost God. Who is He? Is He really someone that I can trust to keep me safe, when Im brought down daily? Is He really something real when I have such a hard time even believing at all anymore? Is He real? Or am I too easily bought through emotion and through other people's words?
Im broken and Im lost and Im lonely and Im sick.
*sigh*