(no subject)
What the fuck am I doing?
Honestly, I'm about to finish university in less than a week and I have no fucking idea.
2010 is going to be either the year where everything changes or nothing changes, because so much of 2009 was slogging through the crap that is my insecurity and indecisiveness and time-wasting trying to figure out what exactly it is I want to do and how the hell I am going to spend my time in a way that is actually productive, not merely the appearance of productivity.
Case in point: My twitter addiction.
Much as it provides a constant stream of interesting links and funny comments from people I may or may not know, it's contribution to productivity is more like 3 rather than the level 7 feeling I get from updating it dozens of times a day. This effect is a farce, the ultimate in procrastination, 12 times worse than Facebook.
Mainly because I'm using it that way and I'm in denial about I'm abusing it to ignore my crippling fear and anxiety of endless repeated failure. Mostly because I take failure extremely hard. I am a thin-skinned individual.
Dating this year was a wash. Writing this year wasn't much good either, save for all the cool stuff I did during my internships, but even those I seemed not to max out to their potential. In all my reviews it was "Karen is too easily distracted and needs better time management. But she is very enthusiastic and good at the web." These two things are more connected than people realize.
So now what? I go back to the bank? Blow a good chunk of my savings running away from the ever-haunting question of what the fuck am I going to do next? Just produce and pitch and try to get my name out there in Toronto? Hell, even try for grad school, which 6 months ago I would laugh at?
I have no idea.
Like coldesteyes, I still read people's LJs. Most of the updates now are from RSS feeds so there's lots of webcomics and Warren Ellis entries rather than the old collection of people's thoughts I could regularly find earlier in the decade.
But I have had this blog for 7 years now and it is one of the few things that have lasted that long in my life. I think I have less than a dozen friends I've known for the same amount of time.
And even though I've started a 'professional work' blog, this is still the place where I feel like I can spew out whatever has been running throuhg my head in a near verbatim of my thoughts because that's what I've been doing all along.
Still, I wonder how everyone is doing. I see snippets on facebook and other places, but here it's still a little different.
Like I'm writing an essay about my identity and another about fictional coherency and all I can think is, who the fuck am I? Am I a person who defines her life by her lack of employment? Her ethnicity? Her triple minority status as a queer Chinese female? Her hobbies? Education?
The list could go on forever.
But not my confusion about the future. At some point, it would nice not to always be in panic mode.
Honestly, I'm about to finish university in less than a week and I have no fucking idea.
2010 is going to be either the year where everything changes or nothing changes, because so much of 2009 was slogging through the crap that is my insecurity and indecisiveness and time-wasting trying to figure out what exactly it is I want to do and how the hell I am going to spend my time in a way that is actually productive, not merely the appearance of productivity.
Case in point: My twitter addiction.
Much as it provides a constant stream of interesting links and funny comments from people I may or may not know, it's contribution to productivity is more like 3 rather than the level 7 feeling I get from updating it dozens of times a day. This effect is a farce, the ultimate in procrastination, 12 times worse than Facebook.
Mainly because I'm using it that way and I'm in denial about I'm abusing it to ignore my crippling fear and anxiety of endless repeated failure. Mostly because I take failure extremely hard. I am a thin-skinned individual.
Dating this year was a wash. Writing this year wasn't much good either, save for all the cool stuff I did during my internships, but even those I seemed not to max out to their potential. In all my reviews it was "Karen is too easily distracted and needs better time management. But she is very enthusiastic and good at the web." These two things are more connected than people realize.
So now what? I go back to the bank? Blow a good chunk of my savings running away from the ever-haunting question of what the fuck am I going to do next? Just produce and pitch and try to get my name out there in Toronto? Hell, even try for grad school, which 6 months ago I would laugh at?
I have no idea.
Like coldesteyes, I still read people's LJs. Most of the updates now are from RSS feeds so there's lots of webcomics and Warren Ellis entries rather than the old collection of people's thoughts I could regularly find earlier in the decade.
But I have had this blog for 7 years now and it is one of the few things that have lasted that long in my life. I think I have less than a dozen friends I've known for the same amount of time.
And even though I've started a 'professional work' blog, this is still the place where I feel like I can spew out whatever has been running throuhg my head in a near verbatim of my thoughts because that's what I've been doing all along.
Still, I wonder how everyone is doing. I see snippets on facebook and other places, but here it's still a little different.
Like I'm writing an essay about my identity and another about fictional coherency and all I can think is, who the fuck am I? Am I a person who defines her life by her lack of employment? Her ethnicity? Her triple minority status as a queer Chinese female? Her hobbies? Education?
The list could go on forever.
But not my confusion about the future. At some point, it would nice not to always be in panic mode.