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Advice for you little bastards in High School (serious thread, and very long)
High school is f*cked. No really, moreso than you probably even realize. The majority of things you're going to learn are going to be in hindsight, you're going to start that never ending quest of finding your place in the world, and someday you'll experience the indescribable anguish of finding out you'll never be able to drink as much as you want without feeling like crap the next day ever again.
So realizing the stupidly large amount of bad karma hanging over my head and hoping to avoid inevitably being hit by a bus and then corpse raped on live television by a bunch of gypsies like I so very much deserve, I'm gonna tilt the scales and offer some of the most solid advice you'll ever get. No sh*t. I'm gonna divide them into sections for you because super long posts of braod scope with proper grammar and flow are for either the extremely well spoken (such as Brackis), the jews, or homosexuals. All groups which I lay no claim to being a part of.
Sex
* Read sex advice columns, websites, books and articles in men's magazines. No bullsh*t, if you're sexually active this is the single best piece of advice I can give you. The truth is that you don't know sh*t and you've gotta realize it. Seriously. The 30 seconds of friction you're so proud of accomplishing isn't doing anything for your girlfriend. It seems ok because nobody else in your age group really knows what they're doing either so you're perfectly average in falling amongst the mediocre. But please, trust me when I say this; if you can be that guy who instead of going "It's in where it's supposed to be, right?" like everyone else but can rather trigger multiple orgasms, g-spot orgasms and time your sh*t so that you both walk away satisfied, you'll not only 100% be the man in the eyes of your girlfriend, but all her friends as well. I'm speaking with experience here, every woman I've ever been with in that respect has told me I must be naturally gifted at that sort of thing. Naturally gifted doesn't happen, so start reading
* The other piece of advice I can give is way easier and way less work. Simply let your partner know you're into what she's doing. Rather than sitting there thinking "Oh god, this is ****ing incredible" you should be telling her "Oh god, this is ****ing incredible". Not only is this going to encourage her to try even harder to please you (and believe me, she will) but she won't feel awkward in giving you feedback as well. Furthermore, I would wager 20 bucks that no couple in history has ever once had boring sex while the man is saying his bit and she's got her eyes rolled into the back of her head begging to get it harder. Seriously, 20 bucks.
Relationships (bitches)
* For alot of people, you'll end up dating the first girl you'll ever have fallen in love with at some point during high school. You'll never have felt so strongly about a person before, you'll worship the ground they walk on, and all the moronic **** people do in movies over women will (rather frighteningly) make perfect sense. There's one other aspect of this kind of relationship that people sometimes lose sight of. It won't last. Won't last, won't last, won't last, won't last. If you were here right now I'd write the words "It won't last" on a broomstick and smash you in the face with it until you looked like raw beef so I could be sure I got my point across. IT WON'T LAST YOU STUPID ARSEHOLES!@#!@
For instance, two people working towards making a marriage work are an example of two people being determined to overcome their problems. Two teenagers working at making a 3 year relationship work are an example of two people being stupid f*cks. 99% of high school romances longer than 1 year aren't going to make it to marriage, yet 100% of the people in these relationships have this idiot idea where they think they're going to be part of the 1%. By all means, enjoy the months, even years that things are going well because it will be a great time in your life, but when the going starts getting really rough, cut your losees. It's only the beginning of a long ride down.
Smoking (Cigarettes)
* Don't, idiot. Every person I know that smokes has wanted to quit and yet almost none have been able to actually do it. Having seriously entertained the notion of smashing an old lady in the face with a Nestea bottle at work today to grab a few drags off her smoke while she was unconscious I can say this from experience and with full resolve. The fact that my jaw is in numbing pain from chewing two packs of gum just today is further testament to this fact.
Those Drugs (Weed and Alcohol)
* Try them both at least once. You won't become a junkie, a homeless person or a libertarian and you won't play with your dad's gun and blow your friend's head off. A well rounded set of experiences is such an integral part to growing up that I honestly believe a 20 year old who devoted all his time to his studies will be just as poorly socially adjusted as the kid who dropped out to smoke weed all day. The key is to be well rounded. Take part in school activities, do your studies and get f*cked up now and again but never neglect any of these to focus solely on the others.
* Know what you're getting into as well. No drug is completely safe and weed or alcohol are no exceptions. Neither are they half as bad as some people make them out to be. Know what you're doing and most importantly, discuss it in another thread you bitches
Your problems
* Quite frankly, aren't sh*t. Your parents don't hate you because nobody "gets" you, getting dumped isn't the end of the world and you aren't depressed, you're hormonally imbalanced. It's called puberty. Right now some mother's child is being shot dead in the culmination of a life lived wrong. Some husband is consoling the woman he worships because she has just been raped and is waiting to go to the hospital to be examined by a forensic specialist. These are the problems adults face, so save the pity party about your god damn trenchcoat. Enjoy the carefree days of being a teenager because one day you'll wish you hadn't felt sorry for yourself when you've got real **** to deal with.
Your parents
* They love you, they just don't know what the hell they're supposed to be doing with you
And that's really all that comes to mind right now, but please, if you ever want to talk about growing up, relating, or you just need advice and you happen to catch me online, don't bother me with that crap. Bother p8ntgurl, she hates that sh*t and it's hilarious.
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go and NOT be punished by the cosmic balance of the universe for f*cking my roomates ex girlfriend so hard I broke a bunch of the springs in my mattress.
Thanks
Rich (now slightly less likely to get screwed over by a vengeful all seeing god type being)
Advice for you little bastards in High School (serious thread, and very long)
High school is f*cked. No really, moreso than you probably even realize. The majority of things you're going to learn are going to be in hindsight, you're going to start that never ending quest of finding your place in the world, and someday you'll experience the indescribable anguish of finding out you'll never be able to drink as much as you want without feeling like crap the next day ever again.
So realizing the stupidly large amount of bad karma hanging over my head and hoping to avoid inevitably being hit by a bus and then corpse raped on live television by a bunch of gypsies like I so very much deserve, I'm gonna tilt the scales and offer some of the most solid advice you'll ever get. No sh*t. I'm gonna divide them into sections for you because super long posts of braod scope with proper grammar and flow are for either the extremely well spoken (such as Brackis), the jews, or homosexuals. All groups which I lay no claim to being a part of.
Sex
* Read sex advice columns, websites, books and articles in men's magazines. No bullsh*t, if you're sexually active this is the single best piece of advice I can give you. The truth is that you don't know sh*t and you've gotta realize it. Seriously. The 30 seconds of friction you're so proud of accomplishing isn't doing anything for your girlfriend. It seems ok because nobody else in your age group really knows what they're doing either so you're perfectly average in falling amongst the mediocre. But please, trust me when I say this; if you can be that guy who instead of going "It's in where it's supposed to be, right?" like everyone else but can rather trigger multiple orgasms, g-spot orgasms and time your sh*t so that you both walk away satisfied, you'll not only 100% be the man in the eyes of your girlfriend, but all her friends as well. I'm speaking with experience here, every woman I've ever been with in that respect has told me I must be naturally gifted at that sort of thing. Naturally gifted doesn't happen, so start reading
* The other piece of advice I can give is way easier and way less work. Simply let your partner know you're into what she's doing. Rather than sitting there thinking "Oh god, this is ****ing incredible" you should be telling her "Oh god, this is ****ing incredible". Not only is this going to encourage her to try even harder to please you (and believe me, she will) but she won't feel awkward in giving you feedback as well. Furthermore, I would wager 20 bucks that no couple in history has ever once had boring sex while the man is saying his bit and she's got her eyes rolled into the back of her head begging to get it harder. Seriously, 20 bucks.
Relationships (bitches)
* For alot of people, you'll end up dating the first girl you'll ever have fallen in love with at some point during high school. You'll never have felt so strongly about a person before, you'll worship the ground they walk on, and all the moronic **** people do in movies over women will (rather frighteningly) make perfect sense. There's one other aspect of this kind of relationship that people sometimes lose sight of. It won't last. Won't last, won't last, won't last, won't last. If you were here right now I'd write the words "It won't last" on a broomstick and smash you in the face with it until you looked like raw beef so I could be sure I got my point across. IT WON'T LAST YOU STUPID ARSEHOLES!@#!@
For instance, two people working towards making a marriage work are an example of two people being determined to overcome their problems. Two teenagers working at making a 3 year relationship work are an example of two people being stupid f*cks. 99% of high school romances longer than 1 year aren't going to make it to marriage, yet 100% of the people in these relationships have this idiot idea where they think they're going to be part of the 1%. By all means, enjoy the months, even years that things are going well because it will be a great time in your life, but when the going starts getting really rough, cut your losees. It's only the beginning of a long ride down.
Smoking (Cigarettes)
* Don't, idiot. Every person I know that smokes has wanted to quit and yet almost none have been able to actually do it. Having seriously entertained the notion of smashing an old lady in the face with a Nestea bottle at work today to grab a few drags off her smoke while she was unconscious I can say this from experience and with full resolve. The fact that my jaw is in numbing pain from chewing two packs of gum just today is further testament to this fact.
Those Drugs (Weed and Alcohol)
* Try them both at least once. You won't become a junkie, a homeless person or a libertarian and you won't play with your dad's gun and blow your friend's head off. A well rounded set of experiences is such an integral part to growing up that I honestly believe a 20 year old who devoted all his time to his studies will be just as poorly socially adjusted as the kid who dropped out to smoke weed all day. The key is to be well rounded. Take part in school activities, do your studies and get f*cked up now and again but never neglect any of these to focus solely on the others.
* Know what you're getting into as well. No drug is completely safe and weed or alcohol are no exceptions. Neither are they half as bad as some people make them out to be. Know what you're doing and most importantly, discuss it in another thread you bitches
Your problems
* Quite frankly, aren't sh*t. Your parents don't hate you because nobody "gets" you, getting dumped isn't the end of the world and you aren't depressed, you're hormonally imbalanced. It's called puberty. Right now some mother's child is being shot dead in the culmination of a life lived wrong. Some husband is consoling the woman he worships because she has just been raped and is waiting to go to the hospital to be examined by a forensic specialist. These are the problems adults face, so save the pity party about your god damn trenchcoat. Enjoy the carefree days of being a teenager because one day you'll wish you hadn't felt sorry for yourself when you've got real **** to deal with.
Your parents
* They love you, they just don't know what the hell they're supposed to be doing with you
And that's really all that comes to mind right now, but please, if you ever want to talk about growing up, relating, or you just need advice and you happen to catch me online, don't bother me with that crap. Bother p8ntgurl, she hates that sh*t and it's hilarious.
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go and NOT be punished by the cosmic balance of the universe for f*cking my roomates ex girlfriend so hard I broke a bunch of the springs in my mattress.
Thanks
Rich (now slightly less likely to get screwed over by a vengeful all seeing god type being)