i need to be held, I need comfort from someone that deeply cares about me and vice versa

[karatebubbles]

I'm really scared about me. Everyone knows I've been depressed and that doesn't really change i just get better at hiding it. But so far this month has been weird health wise. I got the results from the tests about the pulminary emblism (sp) that i had. I guess they came back negative but I still had to see my dr to find out what was causing it and fix it if possible. Yesterday I went home from school cuza my kidneys, anyone who doesn't know, i have a kidney disease called IgA Nephritis, it's not serious unless i'm sick and they get inflamed and bleed, but I have a low immune system which is why I'm out of school and work a lot... etc. Well yesterday my kidneys hurt soooooo bad I wanted to cry. I went home and rested, I didn't go to work which sucks cuz I feel like I let people down (and i feel like KC is pissed at me but I duno why). So i figured it would go away, well as the day went on it just got worse. My mom called my kidney specialist but she was on vacation and the other dr. there didn't wanna see me. She said she didn't think it had to do with the nephritis and it could be a number of things ranging from not at all serious to extremely. She told me to keep hydrated and that if it didn't go away or got worse to call my primary care or go to the hospital. Well last night they kept hurting and still hurt today so I'm going to my dr. in a lil bit. I suck tho. All i think tho is that I shoulda been more specific when I wished for death and said that I didn't want something painful, I wanted something quick.

I need someone close I need someone to love me, I need something that makes me feel good about myself and the world. I need something I can reciprocate.