[Multichapter] Yell (Chapter 7/??)

[tsuchi8562]

Title: Yell
Authors: syunikiss1990& tsuchi8562
Beta: andreja1989 << as always thank you so much ♥
Pairing: Sakuraiba
Genre: AU, Drama, Angst
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: We own only the plot. Not even screw in Masaki's bike is ours...
A/N: Possible character's death, so if you don't like it, please treat this as a warning.

Comments are highly appreciated

*MASTERPOST*

Cold. This was the only word that came across Aiba's half asleep mind when he just opened the eyes, tried to remember where exactly he was while chasing away the last bits of weird dreams he had. When Masaki recalled all that happened last night, warmth spread in his stomach, making his cheek blush and a goofy smile decorate his face. He didn't feel like that for a quite long time and he forgot how great it could be.
It was just then, when he realized he is alone in the bed, and more over he is alone in the hotel room. The officer frowned and looked at the bathroom's door to make sure that Sakurai is inside, but when for the longer while nothing happened he stood up, pulled some clothes on and was ready to leave and look for the latter. The ex-journalist was nowhere to be found and Aiba started to worry that something bad could happen.

"Please, don't do anything stupid..." Masaki whispered and took a deep breath, remembering in what state Sho was last night. Memories, feeling of guilt and depression can push people to do many idiotic things, like killing themselves on their own, when they have signed contract with Governed Suicides Bureau... If Sakurai does something like that, Aiba would be in real troubles. It wasn't only matter of losing his job, that would make him quite happy... There was also a public accusation, trial and punishment for deprivation of income. The officer leaned against the wall close to the entrance to the hotel and looked around, wondering where Sho could be right now. He checked the hotel's bar and other places that were selling alcohol but he couldn't find the older man anywhere. That meant the officer can do only one thing - sit and wait, hoping Sakurai will get back soon. Masaki went back to the room, holding his stomach which started to make growling sounds. It was time for breakfast, but he felt that he won't be able to eat even a bite until he will be sure Sho comes back safe. Why Aiba was so worried? Was it because he was afraid of the consequences or more because he truly cared about the man? Whatever the reason, it was silly... The ex-journalist surely was crushed but definitely wasn't stupid. He signed a contract so he will drink the poison after taking care of his unfinished business, as soon as they will be back in Tokyo... Or maybe there will be able to stay here a bit longer? Maybe he can book this room for two more nights?

What's going on with you! You act just like a teenager who is in love! The officer scolded himself in his thoughts and fell on bed, staring at the ceiling and examining every crack and spider's web. Did he really fell for Sakurai? Yes, he admit to himself it was a crush but right now he wasn't that sure anymore. Probably it was something more; he doesn't allow anyone to touch him without any feelings involved. Right now Masaki prayed that it was a simple compassion but deep inside he knew very well it's a lie. Why was he so stupid? He should be an experienced officer! He should be aware that opening his heart for one of his clients is immoral and simply stupid! He should be aware of all that but at the same time he couldn't care less. Masaki decided to let his feelings lead him to unknown direction, not thinking about consequences for now. It will be dangerous, but hey! Aiba's hobby was speeding on empty track on his sport bike without any protection, so any form of adrenaline shots is good for him. He has to remember that this fairy tale will end very soon. If Sho comes back...

"Come on, where are you?" Masaki whispered again, rubbing his face and just then the door to hotel room opened. Sakurai came in with a paper bag and without a word he sat on his bed. When the silence prolonged the officer had to say anything just in sake to break it.

"Where were you?" Masaki asked as gently as he could, not showing that he was worried nor upset and scolding himself quietly for being silly.

"Out." Sho said quietly and it was clear that he doesn't want to say anything more than that obvious answer. The older man seemed to be tired and even more crushed that before and it squeezed Aiba's heart. Something had to happen but the officer was afraid to ask. With his new resolution, that he will listen to his feelings, Masaki sat close to Sakurai and put his head on the latter's shoulder as if it was the most natural thing on Earth. The officer felt that ex-journalist tensed and for a while didn't move.

"Can you please stop that?" Sho's voice was colder than ice. Aiba held air he had in his lungs and moved away slowly, trying to feel the latter's warmth before the coldness of Sakurai's voice will hit him again. Masaki took a deep breath and decided not to refer to the events of previous nights and get to the real purpose of their trip here.

"We should get ready if we want to see Koori-san before the afternoon train." The officer closed his eyes and bit his lower lip, cursing his voice in mind for trembling.

"They aren’t back yet... I... I went to their house to check." The older man stated, not looking at the latter. The atmosphere became thicker and the officer couldn't stand it anymore. He wasn't sure if the thing he felt last night was true or was it really just a way to distract Sho. Aiba was the one who lead the things there after all...

"Listen, about what happened last night... I am aware how sick this situation looks like, but I..." Masaki started but stopped when he saw Sakurai's face which was showing pain. The taller man didn't know what to do or say, so he was just standing in the middle of the room, feeling like the most idiotic creature in the world and his heart was bleeding.

"It was only a one-off incident. I... I am thankful for the... distraction... but this won't happen again. I would be grateful if you don't mention it anymore. We have something to do..." The last part was mumbled when Sho looked down and hid his face in hands.

"Yes... You're right..." Aiba said slowly and kept looking at the man in front of him. He felt his throat squeezing and with some lame excuse he rushed out the room, trying to cool off. He wasn't crushed nor sad, he was just mad at himself for letting his feelings take control. How could he imagine he will create some kind of sick relationship with a man who practically has a death sentence hanging above his head? Any kind of emotional attachment will just hurt both of them and even though Masaki was the one who will have to live with it, giving Sakurai more pain was just simply cruel. The ex-journalist got through enough already, why giving him more sore?

"Fuck..." The officer hit a railing with his fist again and again, trying to get rid of all feelings that begun to put down the roots in his heart. Maybe it was some strange consequence of his attitude towards his work? He hated it, he desired to leave it more than anything else but from many different reasons he couldn't. Maybe subconsciously he wanted to involve with something illegal so Higashiyama will kick him out himself? Aiba didn't worry about the punishment, knowing his father will cover things up so the family will stay untouched by the scandal. Was Masaki such cold and heartless monster?! If so, then why he felt those warm waves in his stomach when he saw Sakurai this morning? Why was he so worried? Why after being asked for some distraction, he gave his body to the man he barely knew when sex was for him an important thing of a relationship? Why he accepted Sho's touches so willingly when he considered such closeness only as a way of expressing love to other person?

"Admit it, you are in love..." Masaki whispered to himself, knowing that maybe he is exaggerating at the moment but being aware that this is where his heart is leading him to. The words he just told to himself made a smile appear on his face. Maybe it wasn't that bad as he thought it was? Aiba won't give Sakurai more pain, but he will create something beautiful, which Sho can take with him... Giggling to his cheesy thoughts the officer sighed, turned around and got back to the room with a strong decision of talking seriously with the older man. No matter what, he will tell him everything he has in his mind. And heart...

***

What had he done? He still couldn't believe his own stupidity for allowing himself to be so weak last night. Even in his last days he couldn't stop himself from hurting others, it was apparently a curse he had to live with until his last breath. He tried to push the warm feeling away every time he thought about Aiba. He couldn't have those feelings, not anymore. The officer would have to live with them after Sho would die so he had to make sure to distance himself and act as cold as possible. He hadn't thought it would be a problem, seeing Masaki had done the same before last night but now... When he had returned from his walk this morning it almost seemed like the other man had made a complete turn in his attitude which scared Sho.

"You can't love me..." He softly muttered to himself, not expecting to hear something in return so his head shot up when he heard Aiba's soft voice.

"Sho I..."

"Don't call me Sho. We are not supposed to be close enough for you to call me Sho. Like I said, it was just a mistake, we need to forget this and just get over with it." He didn't sound as strong or forceful as he wanted and his heart clenched together both from his own denied feelings and Aiba's expression. "It is wrong and confusing and it will only end in pain. Just... Don't." He sighed deeply and stood up. He couldn't look at the taller man, he didn't want to see what he was thinking. All he wanted right now was disappear.

"I'm going to see if Koori is back." Sakurai muttered, slowly getting up and grabbing his coat. "Alone."

"Are you sure?" Sho could hear the worried tone in Masaki's voice and he had to stop himself from looking up. If he would look at the other now he would allow him to come with him but he had to do this alone.

"Yes. I can't use any distractions with this." Sho winched at his own cold voice but at the same time he was glad he had found it back. He kept telling himself it was for everyone's sake, hoping that this way his heart would stop bleeding from the wounds he had caused.

"I understand. Please be careful." Sakurai couldn't find the strength to pull his hand away when Aiba grabbed it. He cursed himself when he looked up, his own sadness reflected in the taller man's eyes. For a moment they just stood there, staring at each other until Aiba pulled Sakurai's hand to get him closer, Sho's body not listening to the protests his mind made.

"Sho I..." Masaki started again but the soft voice broke the spell that was bounding the older man, making him step back and shake his head.

"Don't. Just don't say anything, I don't want to hear it. I have to go." Before Aiba could reply in any way Sakurai ran out of the door, slamming it behind him. He was mad at himself for allowing his feelings to take over for that short moment which caused an avalanche he couldn't stop anymore now. He knew he started to love Masaki and last night had only made it stronger. Why did he have to start feeling this now, when he was going to die soon? Hadn't he been miserable for long enough? Maybe this was the last bit of the universe to fuck him hard, a way to show him even more that he screwed up completely and didn't deserve to be happy at all.

Or maybe... What if this was a way to let him be happy for a short while? To let him die while being in love to sooth all the painful feelings? But that would be even more fucked up. How could he ever be happy in love when he knows he will die soon? How could he be happy when he knows he will leave Masaki behind, possibly brokenhearted? He slowly shook his head to ban out all his thoughts. He should be focusing on meeting Mizukawa right now. Taking a deep breath he nodded to himself, following the path he had walked this morning. He had already gone to Koori's house this morning but he hadn't been able to face it then. They had been home, unlike the lie he had told Aiba, but he was too scared so he came back to the hotel to ask for help. Though it turned out that it would have been better if he hadn't, seeing he was still standing here alone and even more confused and scared than this morning.

"Come on, you can do this." He muttered softly to himself, slowly walking the path towards the front door. His hand was shaking badly when he reached out for the doorbell, the sound of it making his heart beat impossibly fast. He could hear a familiar woman's voice shout something and soon after he heard footsteps and the door in front of him opened.

"Yes?" Koori said, her eyes widening when she saw Sho standing in front of her, immediately recognizing him and freezing with her mouth slightly opened. Sakurai just looked at her, unable to say anything he had prepared to say. It seemed like the woman didn't know what to do either but slowly the surprise in her eyes made way for burning anger.

"What the hell do you think you are doing here?" Her voice was no more than a whisper but the rage inside of it made Sho shiver slightly.

"I came to talk." He said with a small voice.

"I don't think I want to talk to you." The woman said angrily, already wanting to close the door but Sakurai finally found some strength to move again and stop her.

"Koori please."

"No Sho. You had your chance to talk but you never did. Don't expect me to want to talk to you after all those years."

"Koori I..."

"Mommy, who is that man?" A soft voice asked, interrupting Sho. A small boy peeked from behind Koori's legs, looking at Sho with big eyes. Two pair of eyes locked on the boy, Sakurai's eyes widening and his breath quickening.

"Daichi..." Sho gasped softly, kneeling down and wanting to reach out but the boy was pushed back by his mother.

"Stay away from him Sakurai. Ken honey, go back inside, mommy will be there soon." The boy looked at his mother and nodded, turning around and disappearing behind a closed door again. Mizukawa raised her voice as Sakurai slowly stood up again, his eyes still on the closed door where the boy had disappeared behind. Maybe it was his mind playing tricks with him but that boy looked so much like Daichi that it almost felt like time had turned back. Like the accident never happened but when he listened to Koori talking that bubble burst immediately.

"Don't you dare to touch my son. You took Daichi away, I'm not letting you close to Ken in any way. Go away Sho, don't you dare to ever show your face here again or I'll call the police."

"Koori please, I just want to talk to you."

"And then what? Apologize for what you have done? It's too late for that. My mother called, told me you were with one of those gravediggers and you know what Sho? I'm not even sorry. You deserve to die after everything you have done. I'm surprised that you are still alive with those stupid addictions you let yourself into. You were not the only one who lost his son that day!" The woman stepped outside and slammed the door shut, probably trying to create more distance between them and the child inside.

"I lost my son as well!" She started to yell. "We both lost our son but you weren't there when I needed you! You decided to lose yourself to alcohol and refused to face the truth while everyone else was forced to live with the fact that you killed him! You decided to live with the illusion that he was still here while everyone else was forced to face that he would never return."

"I'm so sorry..."

"That doesn't bring him back Sho! There is nothing you can say or do to make up for the way you acted after he died. It's too late for any of that. I'm not the tiniest bit sorry for you that you will die soon. I could almost say I'm relieved you won't be able to cause anyone anymore harm." Sho trembled and fell down on his knees, kneeling as low as possible in front of Mizukawa even though he knew it had absolutely no use.

"I am not going to forgive you Sho!" The woman yelled almost hysterically. Sakurai's hands tried to hold on to the ground, trying to stop himself from shaking.

"I'm not asking for forgiveness..."

"Then stand up and walk away like you did before!" Koori seemed to lose herself as she kicked Sho hard against his side, making him tremble even more. He knew he deserved her rage on him, that's why he didn't do anything when the feet returned, accompanied by the woman screaming at him.

"I hope you will die a slow and painful death. That's all you deserve! That's..." Suddenly the feet stopped kicking and Mizukawa fell silent. Sho heard a soothing, familiar voice which made his head snap up and see Masaki holding the woman and making sure she couldn't get to him anymore. In a daze he watched the two of them, the taller man gently leading the woman back inside. His vision was blurry with unshed tears, not allowing himself to cry for real. He knew he deserved this, he could have known Koori would react like this. When Aiba stepped outside again Sakurai lowered his eyes, not wanting to see whatever kind of emotion would be inside the taller man's eyes.

"What are you doing here?" Sho whispered as soon as the feet stopped in front of him. He could hear Masaki sigh and lower himself.

"You forgot your letter. I thought you would still want to give it to her seeing you spend so much time writing it. I hope you don't mind I gave it to her, I don't think she wants to see you again." Sho snorted.

"She made that pretty clear yes." Slowly he stood up, winching slightly when he felt a slight sting in his side.

"Are you okay?" Aiba asked, stepping closer and reaching out to help him but Sakurai pushed him away.

"I asked you to leave me alone. Why can't you leave me alone?! Can't you see I only make things worse? You should stay away from me..." His voice softened as Masaki stepped closer again, a strange look in his eyes. Sho knew what was coming and he knew he had to stop it but he couldn't, longing for those lips on his own.

"I don't want to leave you alone." Aiba said softly before closing the last distance and crashing their lips together. For the first time the thought that he didn't want to die crossed Sakurai's mind, but he tried to push it away. He had signed a contract, he had settled with himself that this would be the best for him. Then why did he start to doubt his own decision now? It couldn't be because of the crush he had on the officer right? It couldn't be. But this long forgotten warmth he felt again when the taller man pulled him closer and deepened the kiss scared him. He had to stop this before it would get more and more painful for anyone. With his last bit of willpower he broke the kiss and forcefully freed himself from the embrace. Without looking back and ignoring the taller man who called out for him he ran away. He couldn't stop running until he was literally out of breath and tripped over his own feet, falling down on his hands and knees. Not caring about his surroundings he screamed, trying to get everything out until there was no more air in his lungs.

He had to drown himself, probably for the last time but he couldn't take it if he wouldn't cloud his mind. He would go completely insane if he would stay sober right now. It had been his way out for too long and even though he was sober for weeks, the urge for the calming liquid was too big to resist now. Not that he wanted to anymore anyway. Slowly he got back on his feet, lost in his own thoughts as he started to look for a bar without caring about anything else.