A Letter to Boy Shakira
August 9, 2007
Dear Boy Shakira,
I've been thinking about writing to you for a few weeks now. Today I discovered another open letter to you, and while I completely agree with that writer's sentiments, his are not the reasons I think you should exist. Not that you need anyone's permission, but in this ironic era of twenty-four hour news and pop culture analysis, sometimes minutia elicits in-depth evaluation and sometimes significant events are lost in the maelstrom, and frankly, my dear, you're a bit of both. Our criticism of you comes from our inability to understand you, and though you've been cast off of America's Got Talent, your role in the landscape of American entertainment isn't finished yet. We need you a little while longer.
But like I said, I have my own reasons. Yes, you've inadvertently become an icon for the crossdressing community, but it isn't what you do that interests me -- it's who. Simply put, you're a better female pop star than the female pop stars you impersonate, and we need you to take their place. Definitively.
Boy Shakira, this year you've spent more time being Britany on television than the real Britany has . . . and you did it with a smile. Despite inevitable mockery and even David Hasselhoff's snide commentary (like he has the right to judge anybody), you were a whole-hearted entertainer, specifically without the baggage of drunken-driving convictions, or underground sex tapes, or failed album sales or box office returns. You essentially filled the role established by Britany, Lindsay, and the rest of "Generation DUI," and if these young ladies are going to continue cycling through rehab, garnering tabloid headlines, and burning bridges in Hollywood, you might as well take their place permanently. America loves such "bubblegum entertainment," but these girls obviously bit off more than they could chew. It's up to you, now.
Help us, Boy Shakira. You're our only hope.
I understand that this is a tremendous request and responsibility, but I trust that you will not take it lightly. Actually, I trust that you will not take taking it lightly lightly. Your apparent weightlessness is the essense of your charm, and the characteristic that just might convince even America's most conservative citizens to embrace you as a role model. Yes, girls will look to Boy Shakira as an example. I know you've been voted off of the show that spawned you, but, seriously, if that isn't talent, I don't know what is.
Sincerely,
KaraokeFanboy