(no subject)
I have decided that something IS indeed going on with me. I have yet to figure out, exactly, what it is. Someone very close to me noted that I seem to be how I was my junior year in highschool. That was one of my hardest years as a teenager. I was definitely not in a good place that year...so I am concerned. I know deep down that I will never be how I was that year; sad, angry, careless, etc. I know that will never happen again.
But to be honest, right now, I feel all of those things. Not so much careless, but I feel sad and angry. Not just about one thing, but an accumulation of things over time that I just shoved in the back of my head, choosing not to deal with them because I hardly ever focus on myself. I find myself constantly giving to other people. Not that I'm saying I hate it, or that I'm sick of it...heck no, I like giving. But sometimes, being a giver all the time never allows you to focus on the giver, to keep it strong and healthy. I'm guessing that's what is happening with me right now. All the little things have pushed me to the edge. Not to mention, I'm really testy because of how unhappy I feel. I think it's normal though. I'm not asking for pity because I can get through anything, but if only you knew what was going on and if only you know what crossed my mind on a daily basis. It's hard. And for some REALLY strange reason, I can't stop thinking about everything. ...which makes me feel insignificant.
In every aspect of life. I know how "emo" that sounds, but I don't care. It really is how I feel right now. I heard something tonight at the dorm meeting...she said, "Look at the good things in your life, not the bad." Sometimes, I do find myself trying to answer questions that I don't know the answer to. Like, "How could this happen?" "What made it happen?" "...why..." and I can hardly every answer them. So instead of focusing on the things that I don't know, maybe I should focus on the things I know.
I know God loves me.
I know my mother loves me.
I know my sister loves me.
I know the rest of my family (the ones I involve myself with) love me.
I know Robin loves me, even when things are difficult.
I know Devon loves me, even when I'm messy and moody.
I know that I am loved.
I know that I have been blessed. I'm in school, I have a lot going for me, etc.
That is only a small portion of the things I know. I just got a lot going on in my head right now, and I hope it shakes...because it's affecting me. Not only is it affecting me, but it's affecting my relationships with other people.
On a plus note, I have a Valentine :) Haha. It's been a long time since I've had a "real" one. Not that I'm dating this person, but it's nice to have one for some reason. I think. I'll probably change my mind when the day comes around and I have to say happy valentines day. Who knows.
I'm gonna get some rest so I can wake up in the morning and go to the gym...I'm like, killing myself at the gym. I hope I get good results.
Goodnight.
But to be honest, right now, I feel all of those things. Not so much careless, but I feel sad and angry. Not just about one thing, but an accumulation of things over time that I just shoved in the back of my head, choosing not to deal with them because I hardly ever focus on myself. I find myself constantly giving to other people. Not that I'm saying I hate it, or that I'm sick of it...heck no, I like giving. But sometimes, being a giver all the time never allows you to focus on the giver, to keep it strong and healthy. I'm guessing that's what is happening with me right now. All the little things have pushed me to the edge. Not to mention, I'm really testy because of how unhappy I feel. I think it's normal though. I'm not asking for pity because I can get through anything, but if only you knew what was going on and if only you know what crossed my mind on a daily basis. It's hard. And for some REALLY strange reason, I can't stop thinking about everything. ...which makes me feel insignificant.
In every aspect of life. I know how "emo" that sounds, but I don't care. It really is how I feel right now. I heard something tonight at the dorm meeting...she said, "Look at the good things in your life, not the bad." Sometimes, I do find myself trying to answer questions that I don't know the answer to. Like, "How could this happen?" "What made it happen?" "...why..." and I can hardly every answer them. So instead of focusing on the things that I don't know, maybe I should focus on the things I know.
I know God loves me.
I know my mother loves me.
I know my sister loves me.
I know the rest of my family (the ones I involve myself with) love me.
I know Robin loves me, even when things are difficult.
I know Devon loves me, even when I'm messy and moody.
I know that I am loved.
I know that I have been blessed. I'm in school, I have a lot going for me, etc.
That is only a small portion of the things I know. I just got a lot going on in my head right now, and I hope it shakes...because it's affecting me. Not only is it affecting me, but it's affecting my relationships with other people.
On a plus note, I have a Valentine :) Haha. It's been a long time since I've had a "real" one. Not that I'm dating this person, but it's nice to have one for some reason. I think. I'll probably change my mind when the day comes around and I have to say happy valentines day. Who knows.
I'm gonna get some rest so I can wake up in the morning and go to the gym...I'm like, killing myself at the gym. I hope I get good results.
Goodnight.