Cool.
Being one of the cool kids used to mean something to me. I've tried to work out what it meant - because while I was putting so much pressure on myself and so much importance in that I never actually asked myself why. Why did I want it? I still can't tell you. I still don't know.
The whole being cool gig is just this self sustaining deal - it makes zero sense if you really think about it. But let's face it - one of the keys to being really cool is not thinking too much - even the intelligencia of the truly cool are the sort riding on style and not substance - tired cliche rewritten as wit or whatever. I see the cachet in that, I do, I get it. I guess I just ran out of time to worry about it. While I wasn't paying attention John Lennon had two kids. Wait. That was me. Right. Good work, Keating. Kids are what happens when you're making other plans while lying flat on your back?
(Seriously... there's a reason missionary has lasted - it works. Sex against wall... actually quite difficult and not as cool as it looks in the movies, takes a lot of attention to, you know, gravity defying skills. Sex in a plane - you do it so you say you can - but little else to recommend it. Sex in toilets - well, I always had a toilet fetish but that's another story, right? Wow. I am so fucking cool...)
So, yeah. Two kids later? I ran out of time to worry about being cool.
I've run out of time to worry about a lot of things.
I did this personality test the other day, right? It was a favour to this friend who is trying to get this dating site off the ground and he needed to build up a database - so I filled out this psychometric test for his database (no, I'm not on the prowl and if I was I wouldn't dating site it - please - that's for totally old people, at least mid twenties). Anyway - so I started filling out this bizarre question thing which has like 180 questions and I got as far as 45 which was, seriously, Do you like yourself?.
I stopped there because even as a favour to a friend I couldn't bring myself to deal with that. Not on a fucking dating website.
I'd love people to answer that honestly. Without wank. Without trying to get something out of everyone else - this fucking attention seeking dramarama. We've all done it. But I have a two year old now. I look at her sometimes and think - wow. We all never actually change that much.
Let's face it - who likes themselves? Unconditionally, without reservation, purely likes themselves? Assholes, basically. Because anyone with any decency has a healthy degree of self hatred. It's not this big deal, angsty, self pity thing. It's just a healthy degree of self loathing. I don't want some greeting card sentiment to talk me out of it. I don't want my self esteem boosted. I don't need anyone else to fix me or make me feel better. I feel pretty good.
But - fuck. I don't like myself. I know me. I know me better than any of you ever will. I know every bad thing I've done and I know all the horrible things I'd love to do. I know how selfish I am. I know how hateful I am. I know how fucking nasty I am. And guess what? I can live with it. I can try and supress the worst of my nature and nuture the best. I can try to live my life without indulging the inner-asshole (or only letting her out to play occasionally, and when I do, I like to dress her as head-Six).
I sat there staring at the computer and went - wow, I just don't have the time to deal with this. I could fucking obsess about this or I could do my yoga class. Thin thighs were always important to me.
Once again, like being cool, I have no idea why?
I don't write in this thing as much as I once did. And here I am listening to Katy Perry and it's way late and I should be asleep but Adhra was up with an ear ache for like ever and I'm staying awake just to see if she settles and, I don't know.
There's been times lately when I've laughed so hard my stomach is hurting and I just can't stop laughing. I'd thought I'd never laugh like that again. The world feels new again. I've stopped feeling like a postscript to someone elses sad story. Fuck it. I'm not your postscript and I'm not your womb and I'm not your mistake and I'm not your past and I'm not your albatross.
Or maybe I am. But I'm less interested in seeing myself that way. As seeing myself as what I am to other people. And that's what cool is about. It's about how others see you, right? It's about fitting in. I never did. I was never going to. And I'll never sacrifice my self respect to try to again.
I guess I don't care about being one of the cool kids so much these days. I always had to sacrifice both my self respect and my decency to do it. I value both more than I used to.
I don't like myself but I really don't hate myself anymore either.
I mean, I've read Beatles slash. John Lennon was an asshole.
The whole being cool gig is just this self sustaining deal - it makes zero sense if you really think about it. But let's face it - one of the keys to being really cool is not thinking too much - even the intelligencia of the truly cool are the sort riding on style and not substance - tired cliche rewritten as wit or whatever. I see the cachet in that, I do, I get it. I guess I just ran out of time to worry about it. While I wasn't paying attention John Lennon had two kids. Wait. That was me. Right. Good work, Keating. Kids are what happens when you're making other plans while lying flat on your back?
(Seriously... there's a reason missionary has lasted - it works. Sex against wall... actually quite difficult and not as cool as it looks in the movies, takes a lot of attention to, you know, gravity defying skills. Sex in a plane - you do it so you say you can - but little else to recommend it. Sex in toilets - well, I always had a toilet fetish but that's another story, right? Wow. I am so fucking cool...)
So, yeah. Two kids later? I ran out of time to worry about being cool.
I've run out of time to worry about a lot of things.
I did this personality test the other day, right? It was a favour to this friend who is trying to get this dating site off the ground and he needed to build up a database - so I filled out this psychometric test for his database (no, I'm not on the prowl and if I was I wouldn't dating site it - please - that's for totally old people, at least mid twenties). Anyway - so I started filling out this bizarre question thing which has like 180 questions and I got as far as 45 which was, seriously, Do you like yourself?.
I stopped there because even as a favour to a friend I couldn't bring myself to deal with that. Not on a fucking dating website.
I'd love people to answer that honestly. Without wank. Without trying to get something out of everyone else - this fucking attention seeking dramarama. We've all done it. But I have a two year old now. I look at her sometimes and think - wow. We all never actually change that much.
Let's face it - who likes themselves? Unconditionally, without reservation, purely likes themselves? Assholes, basically. Because anyone with any decency has a healthy degree of self hatred. It's not this big deal, angsty, self pity thing. It's just a healthy degree of self loathing. I don't want some greeting card sentiment to talk me out of it. I don't want my self esteem boosted. I don't need anyone else to fix me or make me feel better. I feel pretty good.
But - fuck. I don't like myself. I know me. I know me better than any of you ever will. I know every bad thing I've done and I know all the horrible things I'd love to do. I know how selfish I am. I know how hateful I am. I know how fucking nasty I am. And guess what? I can live with it. I can try and supress the worst of my nature and nuture the best. I can try to live my life without indulging the inner-asshole (or only letting her out to play occasionally, and when I do, I like to dress her as head-Six).
I sat there staring at the computer and went - wow, I just don't have the time to deal with this. I could fucking obsess about this or I could do my yoga class. Thin thighs were always important to me.
Once again, like being cool, I have no idea why?
I don't write in this thing as much as I once did. And here I am listening to Katy Perry and it's way late and I should be asleep but Adhra was up with an ear ache for like ever and I'm staying awake just to see if she settles and, I don't know.
There's been times lately when I've laughed so hard my stomach is hurting and I just can't stop laughing. I'd thought I'd never laugh like that again. The world feels new again. I've stopped feeling like a postscript to someone elses sad story. Fuck it. I'm not your postscript and I'm not your womb and I'm not your mistake and I'm not your past and I'm not your albatross.
Or maybe I am. But I'm less interested in seeing myself that way. As seeing myself as what I am to other people. And that's what cool is about. It's about how others see you, right? It's about fitting in. I never did. I was never going to. And I'll never sacrifice my self respect to try to again.
I guess I don't care about being one of the cool kids so much these days. I always had to sacrifice both my self respect and my decency to do it. I value both more than I used to.
I don't like myself but I really don't hate myself anymore either.
I mean, I've read Beatles slash. John Lennon was an asshole.