Jan 05, 2010 21:19
I borrowed Darla.
It was that simple - she was on loan and he took her back.
I was always so scared of it happening, I was always so scared I'd lose her - but I don't know I ever really believed I would. I just don't think you allow yourself to truly believe the really terrible. I mean, how can you believe it and keep on going? You end up paralysed by fear.
I don't think about them anymore, I made that choice a while ago not to think about them because I just don't know how to think about them and still be OK. Sometimes they flicker in and out of my mind and I tell them to go away - I tell them I can't think about them anymore and be OK. I can't be sad forever. I can't cry forever. I just want to be happy. I tell them I still love them but I can't think of them anymore.
So, sometimes when I'm not careful they somehow find their way into my brain and I ask them not to and I ask them to leave me be.
New Years Eve I was completely off my face. Not really responsible mother of two-ness (as the papers pointed out), not a great role-model either (as the magazines said). I like the comment that it wasn't the sort of behaviour expected of Osborn's but it certainly was the kind we've come to expect from them. Very cute. So, I got somewhat totally fucking fucked up like I haven't since I think Adhra came along - wow, I was just gone - I was so fucking gone, it felt just great and it felt just awful and it felt like something better than all the constant trying and effort and trying. It was liberating to just let myself be that person who was nothing but emotion and the moment and who didn't fucking care or cared too much and who was just a fucking fuck up. And I cried and I cried and I talked about her and I talked to her and I felt her and remembered her with everything I had. And I asked why she didn't love me enough, even though I know the answer. And I asked if she regretted it, even though I know the answer to that, too.
I dream about them more than I like. I dream we're together and we're happy. I dream she's dying. I dream she's dead but she's back one last time to say goodbye. Maybe she is, I don't know. Maybe she keep coming back to say her final goodbye but I never let her say it. I never say it in return.
I don't know how to let go.
She was just borrowed but I never did really accept it and I still can't. So I just decided not to think about them. About any of them and I've worked on that and mostly it works for me.
I tell her that she shouldn't think I don't love her because I don't think about her. It's because I love her I can't think about her.
I just can't do this. Not even this. Even this is too much.
I just don't know how to let go.