The Sun Will Always Rise
I've always known what I've wanted to do. I've had my life planned out for myself for as long as I can remember.
Ever since I could walk and talk, I've wanted to be an actress. To entertain. My mom had all these books that were full of one act plays for children. My sister and I used to put them on for our whole family and make them watch. The one I remember most vividly is Anna and I's production of Little Miss Muffett. She was Miss Muffett and her curds and whey was a bowl of oatmeal, her tuffett our piano bench. I was the spider, all dressed in black, and crawled down from the top of the piano over her shoulder. The whole family loved it.
Some of my earliest memories are in a theatre. When I was in preschool, my mom used to pick me up from St. Steven's, take me to The Early Bird diner for lunch where I would get Belgian waffles with whipped cream. She would get scrambled eggs and toast with a cup of tea. Then, we'd go to whatever theatre she was working at at the time and I'd sit in the audience watching her rehearse while I colored in my ever trusty coloring book. Seeing my mother up on the stage performing is still one of the things I enjoy doing most. My heart always swells with pride - especially when I see the smiles on the other people in the audience's faces. That's why I want to act. To elicit the same reactions from people. To make someone feel proud. To make someone happy. To make someone reflect on a certain aspect of their life. I want to effect someone's life.
Now, at 20, my dream is still to act, but now it seems more real than it ever did before. Five years ago, being an actress seemed like a pipe dream that would never come to fruition. Now? It's not such a far-fetched thing, although I still feel like I'm dreaming sometimes.
That aspect of my life has never changed.
In regards to my personal life, I've been dreaming of my wedding day since I was five. There's a picture that I still have up in my room at home that has me in a little white wedding dress, a white veil, and a bouquet of faux flowers. As I grew, however, the wedding day dream matured. My freshman year of high school, my best friend Sarah and I planned out my entire wedding. We picked out my engagement ring, me and my husband's wedding bands, my dress, his tux, the church, the flower arrangements, the guest list, the reception location, the meal at the reception, and the DJ list for the reception. Seriously, every single element was laid out. I still have the folder if you don't believe me.
My wedding was supposed to be in my church, St. Thomas of Villanova, with about 150 guests, and the reception was supposed to be at a country club. I was supposed to wear a beautiful white gown and my husband was supposed to wear a black tux with a silver vest and tie. The floral arrangements were red roses and white baby's breath. It was supposed to be your traditional white wedding in a Catholic church.
That dream now appears as if it will never come to fruition. It's superficial and I'm very aware of that, but that's been one of the hardest things to deal with. People ask me if the hardest part of coming out was people staring or people disapproving, but I could really give a flying fuck what other people think - in all aspects of my life (anyone who knows me knows I'm more than willing to make a complete ass of myself). Anyway, the hardest thing for me to deal with is realizing that I'll never have that wedding.
What's the whole point of this? The dream I thought was a pipe dream isn't and the dream I thought would come true one day will never. Things change. You change as you grow up. Plans change. You can never know what's around the next corner. You can never know what's next in your future. You have to roll with the punches and come up still swinging. You can't always get what you want. Sometimes that's just not on the path you're meant to take. You must be able to adjust. Look on the bright side. Let go of the things you can never have. Push for the things that you can. Surround yourself with good people, treat others well, and pray to whatever universal being you believe in that they will treat you well in return.
If you asked me five years ago if I would be a lesbian actress living in New York with two complete mental breakdowns notched on my belt and struggling to get through each day, I would've said you were completely out of your mind. I would say that I would be in the Business School at Georgetown University, playing division I lacrosse, dating the captain of the men's baseball team, and fearing nothing in this world.
In reality, there are few things you can know for sure in life. The grass is green. Sand is made of broken down shells. 2+2=4. The sun will set at the end of the day. The moon will shine at night. And, through the darkness, the sun will always rise in the morning.
So when the night seems endless, like you will never find your way, know and take comfort in the fact that the sun will rise, lighting your path.
Ever since I could walk and talk, I've wanted to be an actress. To entertain. My mom had all these books that were full of one act plays for children. My sister and I used to put them on for our whole family and make them watch. The one I remember most vividly is Anna and I's production of Little Miss Muffett. She was Miss Muffett and her curds and whey was a bowl of oatmeal, her tuffett our piano bench. I was the spider, all dressed in black, and crawled down from the top of the piano over her shoulder. The whole family loved it.
Some of my earliest memories are in a theatre. When I was in preschool, my mom used to pick me up from St. Steven's, take me to The Early Bird diner for lunch where I would get Belgian waffles with whipped cream. She would get scrambled eggs and toast with a cup of tea. Then, we'd go to whatever theatre she was working at at the time and I'd sit in the audience watching her rehearse while I colored in my ever trusty coloring book. Seeing my mother up on the stage performing is still one of the things I enjoy doing most. My heart always swells with pride - especially when I see the smiles on the other people in the audience's faces. That's why I want to act. To elicit the same reactions from people. To make someone feel proud. To make someone happy. To make someone reflect on a certain aspect of their life. I want to effect someone's life.
Now, at 20, my dream is still to act, but now it seems more real than it ever did before. Five years ago, being an actress seemed like a pipe dream that would never come to fruition. Now? It's not such a far-fetched thing, although I still feel like I'm dreaming sometimes.
That aspect of my life has never changed.
In regards to my personal life, I've been dreaming of my wedding day since I was five. There's a picture that I still have up in my room at home that has me in a little white wedding dress, a white veil, and a bouquet of faux flowers. As I grew, however, the wedding day dream matured. My freshman year of high school, my best friend Sarah and I planned out my entire wedding. We picked out my engagement ring, me and my husband's wedding bands, my dress, his tux, the church, the flower arrangements, the guest list, the reception location, the meal at the reception, and the DJ list for the reception. Seriously, every single element was laid out. I still have the folder if you don't believe me.
My wedding was supposed to be in my church, St. Thomas of Villanova, with about 150 guests, and the reception was supposed to be at a country club. I was supposed to wear a beautiful white gown and my husband was supposed to wear a black tux with a silver vest and tie. The floral arrangements were red roses and white baby's breath. It was supposed to be your traditional white wedding in a Catholic church.
That dream now appears as if it will never come to fruition. It's superficial and I'm very aware of that, but that's been one of the hardest things to deal with. People ask me if the hardest part of coming out was people staring or people disapproving, but I could really give a flying fuck what other people think - in all aspects of my life (anyone who knows me knows I'm more than willing to make a complete ass of myself). Anyway, the hardest thing for me to deal with is realizing that I'll never have that wedding.
What's the whole point of this? The dream I thought was a pipe dream isn't and the dream I thought would come true one day will never. Things change. You change as you grow up. Plans change. You can never know what's around the next corner. You can never know what's next in your future. You have to roll with the punches and come up still swinging. You can't always get what you want. Sometimes that's just not on the path you're meant to take. You must be able to adjust. Look on the bright side. Let go of the things you can never have. Push for the things that you can. Surround yourself with good people, treat others well, and pray to whatever universal being you believe in that they will treat you well in return.
If you asked me five years ago if I would be a lesbian actress living in New York with two complete mental breakdowns notched on my belt and struggling to get through each day, I would've said you were completely out of your mind. I would say that I would be in the Business School at Georgetown University, playing division I lacrosse, dating the captain of the men's baseball team, and fearing nothing in this world.
In reality, there are few things you can know for sure in life. The grass is green. Sand is made of broken down shells. 2+2=4. The sun will set at the end of the day. The moon will shine at night. And, through the darkness, the sun will always rise in the morning.
So when the night seems endless, like you will never find your way, know and take comfort in the fact that the sun will rise, lighting your path.