Blaw dont read unless you want to feel my pain
I have come to a very hard place in my life right now where I feel like life is not worth living. I fight and struggle every day with myself over what to do and why I am here. what is the point? where am I going in life? what have I done? to put it very shortly brought a kid into this world and take a life from this world. do the equal each other out? Hell who knows all I know is right now depression is kicking my ass more than ever. is it the meds? is it just because I am getting older now and looking at things in a different light? damn if I know but it hurts. over the curse for a few years I have let myself go I no longer even look in the mirror because it makes me discussed at what I see. I have never felt so weak in my life!! there are 3 things in my life that keep me going family love and being a stubborn old dragon. but even at times they are almost pushed out of my mind. thoughts of why and where and how. not knowing and health problems brought on by my own actions. I don't really have people I can talk to about things that really bother me other things I will never be able to talk about without facing punishment by either law or others. the evils I have seen playing back in my mind when I sleep. my 10 years as a firefighter all the bad I seen come rushing into my head when I lay down trying to sleep so I stay away for days on end. it makes it hard on the ones who love me. but how do you talk to them and explain what's going on. how do you explain as a firefighter you work the accident that killed your girlfriend. how do you explain having to clean up your best friend brains from you and a car after a woman hurts him and bottle give him the courage to pull the trigger? living in a small town you know everybody and when something bad happens you live with it. how do you deal with out drinking yourself to sleep or turning to drugs. I been fighting this for little over 15 years now then to remember when you was younger you was molested by 3 guys and told it was your fault and if you told anybody they would slit your throat and to prove a point they kill your pet. to make it as long as I have and have yet to turn into a drunk or a druggy has amazed me. I don't know I just need to get some of this off my mind. maybe its the wrong thing to do? maybe others will think less of me but then again most already think I am a fat joke and only come to me when they need something fixed or want money. there are a very few who just come to me to talk or to hang out. they are friends not wanting anything just to be there and to them I am grateful. Thank you very much. I shale rant more later for now I am going to just sit here and stare blankly off into the screen and inside myself cry like a little baby until I pass out.