George Orwell Was a Smart Motherfucker
In the world we occupy today, political correctness and the respect for the feelings of other pervades our every conversation. Especially at work, when a formal environment is paramount to a productive environment. Fuck that. Right in the earhole. So today, what I will do, is list some of my favorite corporate doubletalk, along with translations for the uninitiated.
That's not a productive area of conversation.
You're likely right, but I won't admit it.
We're here to talk about you.
I don't care why everyone else is fucking up, I care about why YOU are fucking up.
I need you to attend a meeting.
You've fucked up, and we need to yell at you privately.
I need you to attend a meeting about "x".
We've decided to add 13 unnecessary steps to an already bullshit process.
I need everyone to attend a meeting./We're looking at headcount.
Lay-offs.
I need everyone to attend a meeting about "x".
Why is everyone fucking this thing up?
You're not meeting our requirements in these areas.
STOP BEING LAZY, YOU DEUCHE!
We're altering your assignment.
We're making your job harder, most likely so you can't keep up, and we can fire you scot-free in a month.
I have a project I need you on.
I should have done this thing myself like, four months ago, but fuck it, it's your baby now.
We've been evaluating everyone's performance.....
.....so we can fire only the worst ones.
You're exceeding all our expectations!
Ever do less work than this, and we'll like you less as a human being.
You did a good job on that thing.
I'm surprised you didn't fuck that thing up.
I'll get right on that.
In my own sweet time, motherfucker.
I'll get right back to you.
I'm not talking to you again for at least two weeks.
This project is time-sensitive/needs to occur in a timely fashion.
Do this right now, to the exclusion of all other things.
We need to be more "company oriented".
Fuck your friends, family, and social life, they're dead to you now.
We've updated our employment contracts.
We will own your first-born children, and fire you if you refuse to sign it.
We'd like you to document your procedures.
We have it on paper if ever you fuck up. Hahahaha!
That's not a productive area of conversation.
You're likely right, but I won't admit it.
We're here to talk about you.
I don't care why everyone else is fucking up, I care about why YOU are fucking up.
I need you to attend a meeting.
You've fucked up, and we need to yell at you privately.
I need you to attend a meeting about "x".
We've decided to add 13 unnecessary steps to an already bullshit process.
I need everyone to attend a meeting./We're looking at headcount.
Lay-offs.
I need everyone to attend a meeting about "x".
Why is everyone fucking this thing up?
You're not meeting our requirements in these areas.
STOP BEING LAZY, YOU DEUCHE!
We're altering your assignment.
We're making your job harder, most likely so you can't keep up, and we can fire you scot-free in a month.
I have a project I need you on.
I should have done this thing myself like, four months ago, but fuck it, it's your baby now.
We've been evaluating everyone's performance.....
.....so we can fire only the worst ones.
You're exceeding all our expectations!
Ever do less work than this, and we'll like you less as a human being.
You did a good job on that thing.
I'm surprised you didn't fuck that thing up.
I'll get right on that.
In my own sweet time, motherfucker.
I'll get right back to you.
I'm not talking to you again for at least two weeks.
This project is time-sensitive/needs to occur in a timely fashion.
Do this right now, to the exclusion of all other things.
We need to be more "company oriented".
Fuck your friends, family, and social life, they're dead to you now.
We've updated our employment contracts.
We will own your first-born children, and fire you if you refuse to sign it.
We'd like you to document your procedures.
We have it on paper if ever you fuck up. Hahahaha!