Romeo and Juliet, Trailer Park Love
Following on the heels of my wildly acclaimed transliteration of Hamlet so loved by the literati of the world, allow me to present a famous scene from that gripping lover's tryst, Romeo and Juliet:
Romeo:
Hold on there, what the samhell is that light?
Hot damn that bitch is fine! She’s ‘bout as pretty as the sun at suppertime.
Well get on with you sweet thing, you’re way hotter than my ex,
Who weren’t but a jealous and skuzzy whore,
On account of her girlfriends were all better looking than she was,
But don’t mind her, she’s a bitch;
You know she said she was a virgin when we met,
Then she done went and gave me the clap!
No worries though, I’m your one-trick pony now.
At least, so long as I have these binoculars! Heh heh.
One day you’ll look over and see me sittin’ here in this tree, like a deadly honeydew.
Well, now she’s off mumbling to herself. The fuck is she sayin’?
Maybe I’ll go over there and find out.
The hell am I thinkin’, she’ll just call the cops:
Them two real bright stars up there
The way they’re just twinklin’ in her eyes like that
That’s givin’ me a woodie!
What if her eyes actually were them stars?
The reflection off her pasty cheeks would outshine ‘em stars
Like the sun does to a lamp, them fancy little eyes of hers
Would light up so big
Birds would think it was mornin’
Oh hell, she’s touchin’ those cheeks again!
If only I was a glove on that motherfucker,
Then I’d be getting’ me some of that!
Juliet:
Oh sumbitch!
Romeo:
She’s yammerin’ on again:
Flap them gums beautiful! I declare, you’re
As precious as the night-time, right here o’er top of me
Like my own little angel
Peekin’ down at all the weirdos
Lookin’ up at you while you fly on by
Just a slam-dancin’ on them clouds
Like some heavenly NASCAR driver.
Juliet:
Romeo, where the fuck are you?
To perdition with your daddy, and to worse with your name;
Or, if you want to, slap a ring on my finger
And I’ll take your last name.
Romeo:
This is getting’, like, Playboy hot. Hang on, we’ll see if the situation improves.
Juliet:
Hell, I only ever hated all of your family;
But you’re diddlin’ my pooter, which makes you better than some greasy Montague
Where in tarnation do you get a name like that anyway? It ain’t no hand, or a foot
Or a arm, or a face, or them sexy bits
What belongs to a man. Why can’t you be from some other family!
But then, a name ain’t shit! You could put kittens in an oven,
But that don’t make ‘em biscuits!
So, Romeo might, if’n he weren’t called that but instead somethin’ else
Still be my own rough rider
Who wasn’t what he is. Romeo, sweet fuck-all I care about your name
Cause the sexin’ is still good.
Romeo:
Hold on there, what the samhell is that light?
Hot damn that bitch is fine! She’s ‘bout as pretty as the sun at suppertime.
Well get on with you sweet thing, you’re way hotter than my ex,
Who weren’t but a jealous and skuzzy whore,
On account of her girlfriends were all better looking than she was,
But don’t mind her, she’s a bitch;
You know she said she was a virgin when we met,
Then she done went and gave me the clap!
No worries though, I’m your one-trick pony now.
At least, so long as I have these binoculars! Heh heh.
One day you’ll look over and see me sittin’ here in this tree, like a deadly honeydew.
Well, now she’s off mumbling to herself. The fuck is she sayin’?
Maybe I’ll go over there and find out.
The hell am I thinkin’, she’ll just call the cops:
Them two real bright stars up there
The way they’re just twinklin’ in her eyes like that
That’s givin’ me a woodie!
What if her eyes actually were them stars?
The reflection off her pasty cheeks would outshine ‘em stars
Like the sun does to a lamp, them fancy little eyes of hers
Would light up so big
Birds would think it was mornin’
Oh hell, she’s touchin’ those cheeks again!
If only I was a glove on that motherfucker,
Then I’d be getting’ me some of that!
Juliet:
Oh sumbitch!
Romeo:
She’s yammerin’ on again:
Flap them gums beautiful! I declare, you’re
As precious as the night-time, right here o’er top of me
Like my own little angel
Peekin’ down at all the weirdos
Lookin’ up at you while you fly on by
Just a slam-dancin’ on them clouds
Like some heavenly NASCAR driver.
Juliet:
Romeo, where the fuck are you?
To perdition with your daddy, and to worse with your name;
Or, if you want to, slap a ring on my finger
And I’ll take your last name.
Romeo:
This is getting’, like, Playboy hot. Hang on, we’ll see if the situation improves.
Juliet:
Hell, I only ever hated all of your family;
But you’re diddlin’ my pooter, which makes you better than some greasy Montague
Where in tarnation do you get a name like that anyway? It ain’t no hand, or a foot
Or a arm, or a face, or them sexy bits
What belongs to a man. Why can’t you be from some other family!
But then, a name ain’t shit! You could put kittens in an oven,
But that don’t make ‘em biscuits!
So, Romeo might, if’n he weren’t called that but instead somethin’ else
Still be my own rough rider
Who wasn’t what he is. Romeo, sweet fuck-all I care about your name
Cause the sexin’ is still good.