To Whom It May Concern:
I Do Hereby and Herewith Make Public My Declaration of Intentions For the Thanksgiving Holiday.
As befits a man of my unimaginable magnanimity and notable social stature, I do publish this declaration for the sake of posterity. Let those who come when I have left read fondly these words and follow my glorious example.
In preparation for the upcoming festival I have naturally put myself through a rigorous training regimen of "pre-game" eating. This is to exercise the muscles necessary for eating, to make common the feeling of "fullness" in my stomach, to push beyond such mortal limitations, and to reach a truly Enlightened state of gluttonous behavior. Preparedness in all things, after all. Without further ado, I list my intentions:
01. To consume so much food as to impoverish a Western European nation. Preferably Switzerland, though Belgium shall suffice in a pinch.
02. To at least once drink gravy straight from the gravy boat.
03. To consume enough desert that my blood type is officially changed to "Pie Negative".
04. To suffer at least two coronary failures, because one just means I have room for seconds.
05. To ridicule without mercy those who proclaim themselves "full" after only one 48 hour stretch of eating.
06. To unhinge my titanium jaw and consume at least one turkey whole.
07. To laugh at those who pass out from too much eating until such time as mashed potatoes shoot forth from my nose.
08. To require the use of a forklift and flatbed to return home.
09. To wonder at least once if that last bite was cranberry sauce or just a burgundy place-mat.
10. To consume in such a manner that with each gluttonous bite the cholesterol deposits in my arteries erupt forth into the divine chorus of Beethoven's immortal "Ode to Joy"!!!!!!!
This Declaration is issued on this day and in this place, witnessed by you.
P.S. Let's not forget the true meaning of the holiday folks, Thanksgiving isn't just about wanton consumption. It's also our rich, traditional, family celebration of the near-decimation of an entire indigenous population. Happy Holidays!
As befits a man of my unimaginable magnanimity and notable social stature, I do publish this declaration for the sake of posterity. Let those who come when I have left read fondly these words and follow my glorious example.
In preparation for the upcoming festival I have naturally put myself through a rigorous training regimen of "pre-game" eating. This is to exercise the muscles necessary for eating, to make common the feeling of "fullness" in my stomach, to push beyond such mortal limitations, and to reach a truly Enlightened state of gluttonous behavior. Preparedness in all things, after all. Without further ado, I list my intentions:
01. To consume so much food as to impoverish a Western European nation. Preferably Switzerland, though Belgium shall suffice in a pinch.
02. To at least once drink gravy straight from the gravy boat.
03. To consume enough desert that my blood type is officially changed to "Pie Negative".
04. To suffer at least two coronary failures, because one just means I have room for seconds.
05. To ridicule without mercy those who proclaim themselves "full" after only one 48 hour stretch of eating.
06. To unhinge my titanium jaw and consume at least one turkey whole.
07. To laugh at those who pass out from too much eating until such time as mashed potatoes shoot forth from my nose.
08. To require the use of a forklift and flatbed to return home.
09. To wonder at least once if that last bite was cranberry sauce or just a burgundy place-mat.
10. To consume in such a manner that with each gluttonous bite the cholesterol deposits in my arteries erupt forth into the divine chorus of Beethoven's immortal "Ode to Joy"!!!!!!!
This Declaration is issued on this day and in this place, witnessed by you.
P.S. Let's not forget the true meaning of the holiday folks, Thanksgiving isn't just about wanton consumption. It's also our rich, traditional, family celebration of the near-decimation of an entire indigenous population. Happy Holidays!