Have I Sold My Integrity for Free Reign to Be Smug?
There are many people in life whose aptitudes are different from mine, both for the better and for the worse. I'm a terrible musician, but good with words, as but two examples. In my vocation I am required to train people in a variety of tasks. And I have done this type of thing long enough to get a feel for whether or not someone will succeed in the long run in the first few hours of training them. In some cases, their aptitudes are simply not suited to the tasks.
I have always in such cases made a point to train this person with everything I have. I explain the what, the how, and the why. Again and again if need be. I have always told myself that I do this so that when this person does fail, it will not be because I gave up on them. I went out of my way to give them tools to succeed; coached and trained beyond any reasonable measure of responsibility. And I also tell myself that occasionally I am surprised, I have misjudged, and I have found some diamond in the rough. I tell myself that in such ways I maintain my integrity, which is important to me.
I have begun to wonder if I am lying to myself. Is it that I am only in love with the idea of integrity, and not actually having it? Perhaps I do this thing because it allows me in some small corner of my soul to be smug when this person can no longer perform their duties. I was right. Aren't I a clever boy? So clever that I may have tricked myself. If I truly possessed integrity, wouldn't I perform the same actions from a desire to do my job to the best of my abilities? Integrity is internal, emanating only from the self, and only for the self. But my stated motives are external, focusing on others. Thereby vesting responsibility for the situation in them, safely out of my hands. I wonder if I'm treating them like a television show, when I should treat it like a play that I have a part in. Am I not really invested in this? Have I taken the lazy route, and told myself it was virtue? If I have, then I am a far more petty person than I imagined. I deserve to be a better man than that. I require that I be a better man than that. I must change this.
I have always in such cases made a point to train this person with everything I have. I explain the what, the how, and the why. Again and again if need be. I have always told myself that I do this so that when this person does fail, it will not be because I gave up on them. I went out of my way to give them tools to succeed; coached and trained beyond any reasonable measure of responsibility. And I also tell myself that occasionally I am surprised, I have misjudged, and I have found some diamond in the rough. I tell myself that in such ways I maintain my integrity, which is important to me.
I have begun to wonder if I am lying to myself. Is it that I am only in love with the idea of integrity, and not actually having it? Perhaps I do this thing because it allows me in some small corner of my soul to be smug when this person can no longer perform their duties. I was right. Aren't I a clever boy? So clever that I may have tricked myself. If I truly possessed integrity, wouldn't I perform the same actions from a desire to do my job to the best of my abilities? Integrity is internal, emanating only from the self, and only for the self. But my stated motives are external, focusing on others. Thereby vesting responsibility for the situation in them, safely out of my hands. I wonder if I'm treating them like a television show, when I should treat it like a play that I have a part in. Am I not really invested in this? Have I taken the lazy route, and told myself it was virtue? If I have, then I am a far more petty person than I imagined. I deserve to be a better man than that. I require that I be a better man than that. I must change this.