dont read. just bitching;
I fucking HATE him. FUCKING DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE. If she thinks I am riding in a car for fucking 7 or 8 hours with that piece of shit she has something else coming. He better fucking apologize because Im tired of apologizing to him. Its always "Thanks a lot jerk, you're ruining my life. GO APOLOGIZE NOW. or no plans for the rest of the week."...."sorry Doug." "its ok, i just dont appreciate it when you do that, blah blah blah bitch bitch, dont do it no more" "yeah ok doug..." GOD FUCKING DAMNIT IM TIRED OF THAT SHIT. im going to castrate that man, then stuff it down his throat. He doesnt know shit about me or my dad or my family or anything, he's a fucking racist, drunk ass bitch and a homophobic. He's like "damn faggots are goin to hell for eternity" or something like him-"Going to see your dad when we go up there?" me-"thats four hours away" her-"honey we're going to virginia beach, not Dc" him-"I FUCKING KNOW THAT IM NOT NO DUMBASS, I ASKED IF SHE WAS GOING TO SEE THE FUCKING MAN!" her-"Rene', do not say anything back, he's in one of his moods" I walk out and say hell if im going. i mean if he was so smart, THEN MAYBE HE CAN IMPLY. My father cannot pick up the phone to call, much less send me anything, but goes to buy drugs. DO YOU REALLY FUCKING THINK HE'S GOING TO DRIVE 4 HOURS TO SEE ME??????????!!!! fuck no. I hate men. I hate them. I hate them all. And then Ali goes on her dads side. What the fuck. Does my mother say anything to fucking help me out. No. Duh.
I sat in the shower for a long time tonight reflecting on the above people. Then on these people down here. I feel like sleeping for 3 days and punching a hole in the wall. And crying. I miss my dad. I miss how he gives me reassuring looks, and even though he does drugs and has no conscience because its fried, he's still amazing. I miss my grandma because she's the only real parent I have ever had. and she's dying. And I dont know what to do. I miss Lily so much. I miss Mindy and her perfect nails and coke addiction. I miss Rose. I miss Natasha because she always is on my side, and sees it from my point. And I miss Zoe because she's funny and always makes me feel so much better. And I miss everyone. I hate being stuck here. Im not, I mean I ruin my moms life so I should go live with one of them up there. But no. I stay for you all. And what do I get in return, nothing. but its ok because I love you. And I dont expect anything back.