"self-hate" or "comparing mind" or "māna"
I haven't read one of Cheri Huber's books in over a decade, but I read a lot of them between 2002 and 2008. She's one of my favorite Zen authors.
The book of hers I was most likely to recommend to others was "There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate". I'm re-reading it now, I'm about halfway through.
I was reminded of it because a friend has been down on himself lately, and I said to him, "There is nothing wrong with you." I thought about sending him the book, but I figured I should re-read it first, as it has been a long time.
In this book Cheri Huber takes a venerable Buddhist concept called "māna" in Pali and translates it as "self-hate" for a contemporary US audience. Other, less dramatic American Buddhists refer to it as the "comparing mind" or sometimes the "ego".
Māna is the phenomenon that I think of as the judging voice that is often present within our minds, constantly judging what it sees or hears or tastes, sometimes whether we want it to or not, including judging our own performance, our own habits, our own feelings, our own self.
Ms. Huber focuses on how this judging voice is often a source of self-hatred, when we judge ourselves negatively, when we hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, when we talk ourselves down. I'd forgotten how rigorously she sticks with this characterization of māna as self-hate. All these years later, I wonder whether she overdoes it.
But this book is pitched toward people who experience a lot of self-hate, and who could use a way out of it. Or, less dramatically, people who judge themselves obsessively and strictly in counterproductive ways.
There's another way to live, a way that is less judgmental, less judgmental of yourself, and others, and the world at large. A way that is more accepting of yourself, and others, and the world at large.
I could write about "acceptance" for a long time, but acceptance isn't necessarily agreement, and acceptance isn't necessarily passive. I think learning what acceptance truly means is half the battle.
Acceptance means looking at reality and seeing what reality is and accepting that this is reality. For example, there is a war going on between Russia and Ukraine. This is the reality. You may not like this war, you may want one side or the other to win this war, you may want the war to stop immediately, but ... acceptance means --> yep, there is a war going on, whether I like it or not, whether I wish it were proceeding differently or not --> reality. People are dying, people are wounded, weapons are manufactured, shipped, and fired, supply chains are fucked up, financial markets are strained, etc. These things are happening.
On the one hand, acceptance sounds simple, just looking at reality and seeing reality for what it is. What's the big deal?
The big deal is all of our judgments and desires about reality. "This is wrong! This is an existential crisis! This should not be happening! We should do everything we can to cause a particular outcome!" None of these statements are acceptance. All of these statements are māna.
Let's say I accidentally broke my grandmother's favorite antique vase. "I can't believe I broke her favorite antique vase!" is not acceptance, that's māna. "I'm so clumsy! I'm such an asshole! Grandma is going to hate me forever!" That's māna.
Acceptance is, "The vase is broken. I see the pieces on the ground." Full stop. Acceptance is sitting down on the ground with the pieces and seeing how they used to be one vase but are now a couple dozen shards. Yup, the vase is broken.
Cheri Huber would say that blaming yourself for breaking the vase is self-hate. She would advise that you treat yourself, your grandmother, and the vase, with compassion. Something happened here that nobody wanted. People are sad, maybe people are mad. Offer an apology, offer restitution, those are compassionate acts. Offer to fix the vase, that's a compassionate act. Hear those voices of self-hate flowing through your mind, but don't believe them. Don't counter them with louder voices saying the opposite, that's also self-hate -- hating the hate is still hate. Simply act with compassion toward yourself, your grandmother, and the vase. Feel the sadness, feel the anger, acknowledge what happened, and then act with compassion.
-----
It's difficult to avoid judging (and hating). I'd love to blame certain individuals for causing the war, for prosecuting the war, for killing & wounding people & destroying buildings. But the Buddhist view is that such blame isn't accomplishing anything. It's just making you feel grumpy.
Acknowledge the reality, and then act with compassion. There are refugees who need help, for example. You can write your representatives to share your views on what should be done about the war. You can advocate via social media that people donate to the Red Cross.
Acceptance, and then action. It's a different mode from judging and hating. Judging and hating fills your own mind with toxic sludge and doesn't change anything in the outside world. Accepting, and then acting with compassion, changes the world with your good karma. The change you can effect is limited, of course. You don't get to select the outcome. You only get to select your action, and then karma takes over.
-----
Whether to recommend this book to somebody depends on whether characterizing māna as self-hate will speak to that person in a comprehensible way. Will they recognize māna as self-hate as applied to themselves? Will they even bother to read the book.
I recall way back in the early 2000s I recommended this book to somebody, and his reaction was, "Why do you think I hate myself?" It simply bounced off his māna. And that's OK. Buddhists aren't especially evangelical. Trying to change somebody's mind can be viewed as a form of aggression. It is better to accept a person's mind as it is, and then to act with compassion.
How do I know a compassionate act? Hah!
I think that's where the Diamond Sutra comes in. You're only acting with compassion when you're not trying to achieve a particular result. For example, it may not be compassionate for you to rush out and buy a replacement vase for your grandmother, if the vase you broke had a specific sentimental value to her. She wouldn't want a replacement vase. Instead, listen to her. Open your mind wide. Consider the situation from all angles, and then the right action will reveal itself to you. Maybe the right action is to hold her hand and say a prayer, before cleaning up the mess. Maybe the right action is to find another way to embody and showcase the sentimental value represented by the vase. Maybe the right action is to laugh, because she never cared that much about the vase anyway, but she was pretending to care because her own mother had made such a big deal about handing it down to her, it was an ugly vase!
Open your mind, open your heart, let go of the outcome; let the judging voice, the comparing mind, the māna, fade into the background as you act within each moment.
-----
I meditated 6 minutes today.
The book of hers I was most likely to recommend to others was "There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate". I'm re-reading it now, I'm about halfway through.
I was reminded of it because a friend has been down on himself lately, and I said to him, "There is nothing wrong with you." I thought about sending him the book, but I figured I should re-read it first, as it has been a long time.
In this book Cheri Huber takes a venerable Buddhist concept called "māna" in Pali and translates it as "self-hate" for a contemporary US audience. Other, less dramatic American Buddhists refer to it as the "comparing mind" or sometimes the "ego".
Māna is the phenomenon that I think of as the judging voice that is often present within our minds, constantly judging what it sees or hears or tastes, sometimes whether we want it to or not, including judging our own performance, our own habits, our own feelings, our own self.
Ms. Huber focuses on how this judging voice is often a source of self-hatred, when we judge ourselves negatively, when we hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, when we talk ourselves down. I'd forgotten how rigorously she sticks with this characterization of māna as self-hate. All these years later, I wonder whether she overdoes it.
But this book is pitched toward people who experience a lot of self-hate, and who could use a way out of it. Or, less dramatically, people who judge themselves obsessively and strictly in counterproductive ways.
There's another way to live, a way that is less judgmental, less judgmental of yourself, and others, and the world at large. A way that is more accepting of yourself, and others, and the world at large.
I could write about "acceptance" for a long time, but acceptance isn't necessarily agreement, and acceptance isn't necessarily passive. I think learning what acceptance truly means is half the battle.
Acceptance means looking at reality and seeing what reality is and accepting that this is reality. For example, there is a war going on between Russia and Ukraine. This is the reality. You may not like this war, you may want one side or the other to win this war, you may want the war to stop immediately, but ... acceptance means --> yep, there is a war going on, whether I like it or not, whether I wish it were proceeding differently or not --> reality. People are dying, people are wounded, weapons are manufactured, shipped, and fired, supply chains are fucked up, financial markets are strained, etc. These things are happening.
On the one hand, acceptance sounds simple, just looking at reality and seeing reality for what it is. What's the big deal?
The big deal is all of our judgments and desires about reality. "This is wrong! This is an existential crisis! This should not be happening! We should do everything we can to cause a particular outcome!" None of these statements are acceptance. All of these statements are māna.
Let's say I accidentally broke my grandmother's favorite antique vase. "I can't believe I broke her favorite antique vase!" is not acceptance, that's māna. "I'm so clumsy! I'm such an asshole! Grandma is going to hate me forever!" That's māna.
Acceptance is, "The vase is broken. I see the pieces on the ground." Full stop. Acceptance is sitting down on the ground with the pieces and seeing how they used to be one vase but are now a couple dozen shards. Yup, the vase is broken.
Cheri Huber would say that blaming yourself for breaking the vase is self-hate. She would advise that you treat yourself, your grandmother, and the vase, with compassion. Something happened here that nobody wanted. People are sad, maybe people are mad. Offer an apology, offer restitution, those are compassionate acts. Offer to fix the vase, that's a compassionate act. Hear those voices of self-hate flowing through your mind, but don't believe them. Don't counter them with louder voices saying the opposite, that's also self-hate -- hating the hate is still hate. Simply act with compassion toward yourself, your grandmother, and the vase. Feel the sadness, feel the anger, acknowledge what happened, and then act with compassion.
-----
It's difficult to avoid judging (and hating). I'd love to blame certain individuals for causing the war, for prosecuting the war, for killing & wounding people & destroying buildings. But the Buddhist view is that such blame isn't accomplishing anything. It's just making you feel grumpy.
Acknowledge the reality, and then act with compassion. There are refugees who need help, for example. You can write your representatives to share your views on what should be done about the war. You can advocate via social media that people donate to the Red Cross.
Acceptance, and then action. It's a different mode from judging and hating. Judging and hating fills your own mind with toxic sludge and doesn't change anything in the outside world. Accepting, and then acting with compassion, changes the world with your good karma. The change you can effect is limited, of course. You don't get to select the outcome. You only get to select your action, and then karma takes over.
-----
Whether to recommend this book to somebody depends on whether characterizing māna as self-hate will speak to that person in a comprehensible way. Will they recognize māna as self-hate as applied to themselves? Will they even bother to read the book.
I recall way back in the early 2000s I recommended this book to somebody, and his reaction was, "Why do you think I hate myself?" It simply bounced off his māna. And that's OK. Buddhists aren't especially evangelical. Trying to change somebody's mind can be viewed as a form of aggression. It is better to accept a person's mind as it is, and then to act with compassion.
How do I know a compassionate act? Hah!
I think that's where the Diamond Sutra comes in. You're only acting with compassion when you're not trying to achieve a particular result. For example, it may not be compassionate for you to rush out and buy a replacement vase for your grandmother, if the vase you broke had a specific sentimental value to her. She wouldn't want a replacement vase. Instead, listen to her. Open your mind wide. Consider the situation from all angles, and then the right action will reveal itself to you. Maybe the right action is to hold her hand and say a prayer, before cleaning up the mess. Maybe the right action is to find another way to embody and showcase the sentimental value represented by the vase. Maybe the right action is to laugh, because she never cared that much about the vase anyway, but she was pretending to care because her own mother had made such a big deal about handing it down to her, it was an ugly vase!
Open your mind, open your heart, let go of the outcome; let the judging voice, the comparing mind, the māna, fade into the background as you act within each moment.
-----
I meditated 6 minutes today.