strange evening
strange how the aloneness of having the house to myself didn't hit until I don't have to work tomorrow -- the 8am car appointment isn't enough, the Saturday gaming session isn't enough, heh
I don't mean those references in a bad way, just that I didn't have a gap big enough until tonight, to feel aloneness in the house again,
maybe if I'd continued playing the game tonight, my brain had so many people in it, was like throwing a party inside my head,
I've felt that before, while role playing multiple characters solo before,
and I've felt like I need a certain amount of space in my head to do this,
and perhaps K's encouragement to go on a News Diet is giving me the extra space in my head to do this.
but aloneness isn't bad, I'm trying to get used to it, I don't want all these activities to be an escape from aloneness, that won't work, I have to be comfortable with the aloneness,
I have to be able to:
(1) love myself
(2) not take the absence of all other people, when I happen to be feeling alone, personally
(3) most of them will "come back to me", and then they will leave me alone again
(4) so I need to have self-directed hobbies that I find so engaging that I cannot fall asleep, like last night, that was awesome, all of you saw a blizzard of writing, and it was a fraction of the party going on inside my head, all the discarded takes LOL
Now I remember when I tried to role play WW1 with my WW1 game and I couldn't continue with the war (or the game) -- why the fuck this war -- there is no reason for this war --
I need more games like this Paris Commune game, and like Gloomhaven, in which I can do role playing solo. It's why I liked that new horror video game so much, I was role playing all the characters in the game solo (they're working on a multiplayer), and the actions you took mattered to the outcome.
OMG, what if I designed my own multicharacter solo RPG tabletop game.
[what if there are a community of people like me, who would enjoy these]
Is this merely a way to avoid feeling lonely, heh, to be able to conjure up so many characters inside my own, our own, head(s),
permission for multiple-personality order-not-disorder
But then, was living with T all these years merely a way to avoid feeling lonely?
Not "merely", but, that's been a huge feature. Wild Week scared me regarding living alone, because, look what happened, I ended up in a mental hospital after a psychotic break, during which I could've been killed, because, who knows WTF I was doing.
I'll never be able to explain what caused that psychotic break.
It was a one-off, but I've probably spent my life since trying to establish the correlations, of an n = 1
[if only one person is chatting with me I'm OK -- so I need to go to a place with no cellular no wifi no Internet and truly sink into the aloneness]
I don't mean those references in a bad way, just that I didn't have a gap big enough until tonight, to feel aloneness in the house again,
maybe if I'd continued playing the game tonight, my brain had so many people in it, was like throwing a party inside my head,
I've felt that before, while role playing multiple characters solo before,
and I've felt like I need a certain amount of space in my head to do this,
and perhaps K's encouragement to go on a News Diet is giving me the extra space in my head to do this.
but aloneness isn't bad, I'm trying to get used to it, I don't want all these activities to be an escape from aloneness, that won't work, I have to be comfortable with the aloneness,
I have to be able to:
(1) love myself
(2) not take the absence of all other people, when I happen to be feeling alone, personally
(3) most of them will "come back to me", and then they will leave me alone again
(4) so I need to have self-directed hobbies that I find so engaging that I cannot fall asleep, like last night, that was awesome, all of you saw a blizzard of writing, and it was a fraction of the party going on inside my head, all the discarded takes LOL
Now I remember when I tried to role play WW1 with my WW1 game and I couldn't continue with the war (or the game) -- why the fuck this war -- there is no reason for this war --
I need more games like this Paris Commune game, and like Gloomhaven, in which I can do role playing solo. It's why I liked that new horror video game so much, I was role playing all the characters in the game solo (they're working on a multiplayer), and the actions you took mattered to the outcome.
OMG, what if I designed my own multicharacter solo RPG tabletop game.
[what if there are a community of people like me, who would enjoy these]
Is this merely a way to avoid feeling lonely, heh, to be able to conjure up so many characters inside my own, our own, head(s),
permission for multiple-personality order-not-disorder
But then, was living with T all these years merely a way to avoid feeling lonely?
Not "merely", but, that's been a huge feature. Wild Week scared me regarding living alone, because, look what happened, I ended up in a mental hospital after a psychotic break, during which I could've been killed, because, who knows WTF I was doing.
I'll never be able to explain what caused that psychotic break.
It was a one-off, but I've probably spent my life since trying to establish the correlations, of an n = 1
[if only one person is chatting with me I'm OK -- so I need to go to a place with no cellular no wifi no Internet and truly sink into the aloneness]