snuggly dreams
I had a lot of dreams involving touch overnight -- my favorite was a dream where I went to see a therapist and K was there with me snuggling with me from behind while I spoke with her about my feelings. She told me that what I'm feeling is normal, especially during these times. K just listened.
Also, I showed up to the therapy session without a mask -- she handed me one and I mumbled something about forgetting to bring one, except in my dream I hadn't forgotten, I was going without a mask on purpose, and I said I was suffering from pandemic fatigue.
When I woke, I realized the snuggling was real -- Astrid had been snuggling against my back :-)
I remember agreeing a few months ago that I'd see a therapist but then it sorta piled on top of the general To Do List that has always been too long during Quarantine. And on Sunday when I got home, T piled more things on the To Do List. Although I'm catching up with stuff at work, there's ever more to do at home. And then I add personal goals to the list, like NaNoWriMo, which I feel I completed successfully although I haven't done the word count yet. Or getting back into music. Or exercising more. Or working out an annual budget with T -- which we did, though it was emotionally costly for both of us.
My main complaint to my dream therapist was that I feel unmotivated. Which is weird because I do have a lot going on. And in the past I've had friends tell me that I'm one of the most motivated people they know. But part of me feels like I could be / should be / doing more.
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My chats with Mark from Reddit yesterday went in a pleasant direction, continuing to get to know him better, establishing some mutual trust. Whereas with Matt I'd responded to a personal ad, I don't know where Mark came from. He messaged me directly, so I don't know how he found me. Reminds me of Missa that way, although I "met" Missa on Grindr. Missa had contacted me directly, I'd never seen his profile before, he was a "lurker".
I'm often more comfortable, and more successful, with younger guys when they contact or approach me first. I know a lot of younger gay guys feel harassed by older gay guys and do their best to ignore them. It's often an unwelcome shock to younger gay guys to learn when they come out that most gay men are older than they are, so most of the people contacting them will be older than they are. Most of them want to date or hookup with someone their own age, like they would've done in high school, like society teaches them is appropriate. But some younger guys seek out older guys on purpose, either because their first sexual relationships were with older guys, or because they crave the maturity that most of their peers lack. And some of them are frankly looking for sugar daddies or "finsubs".
There's a younger guy MG from Twitter who I've given small gifts to, and he's friendly with me -- friendlier than Jeremy was when I agreed to be his finsub. Jeremy was good at everything about the findom role except for providing a human connection, it was obvious it was just a job to him (though a job well done), and I never heard from him again after I told him I wanted to focus more on having in-person connections -- not even a thank you or good bye.
Heh, I still want to focus more on having in-person connections, but I can't have them right now. The risk for my current harem of online boys is that After the Vaccine I'll lose interest in them if they don't actually want to visit. I'd be willing to travel to Canada or Massachusetts or elsewhere to meet these fellas, or to have them stay with me at the condo for a long weekend visit to DC. As I was willing to visit and host my dozens of gay LJ friends back when LJ was still a busy place, before Facebook sucked all of them away into our horrible social media future.
The online gay guys who I dumped back in 2005 were the ones who didn't want to meet in person. I had no time for that in my life anymore.
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Anyway, I'm glad Astrid's nighttime snuggles provided the stimulus for my snuggle dreams, I really needed some snuggles, and I really needed to talk with a therapist while snuggling with K.
Also, I showed up to the therapy session without a mask -- she handed me one and I mumbled something about forgetting to bring one, except in my dream I hadn't forgotten, I was going without a mask on purpose, and I said I was suffering from pandemic fatigue.
When I woke, I realized the snuggling was real -- Astrid had been snuggling against my back :-)
I remember agreeing a few months ago that I'd see a therapist but then it sorta piled on top of the general To Do List that has always been too long during Quarantine. And on Sunday when I got home, T piled more things on the To Do List. Although I'm catching up with stuff at work, there's ever more to do at home. And then I add personal goals to the list, like NaNoWriMo, which I feel I completed successfully although I haven't done the word count yet. Or getting back into music. Or exercising more. Or working out an annual budget with T -- which we did, though it was emotionally costly for both of us.
My main complaint to my dream therapist was that I feel unmotivated. Which is weird because I do have a lot going on. And in the past I've had friends tell me that I'm one of the most motivated people they know. But part of me feels like I could be / should be / doing more.
-----
My chats with Mark from Reddit yesterday went in a pleasant direction, continuing to get to know him better, establishing some mutual trust. Whereas with Matt I'd responded to a personal ad, I don't know where Mark came from. He messaged me directly, so I don't know how he found me. Reminds me of Missa that way, although I "met" Missa on Grindr. Missa had contacted me directly, I'd never seen his profile before, he was a "lurker".
I'm often more comfortable, and more successful, with younger guys when they contact or approach me first. I know a lot of younger gay guys feel harassed by older gay guys and do their best to ignore them. It's often an unwelcome shock to younger gay guys to learn when they come out that most gay men are older than they are, so most of the people contacting them will be older than they are. Most of them want to date or hookup with someone their own age, like they would've done in high school, like society teaches them is appropriate. But some younger guys seek out older guys on purpose, either because their first sexual relationships were with older guys, or because they crave the maturity that most of their peers lack. And some of them are frankly looking for sugar daddies or "finsubs".
There's a younger guy MG from Twitter who I've given small gifts to, and he's friendly with me -- friendlier than Jeremy was when I agreed to be his finsub. Jeremy was good at everything about the findom role except for providing a human connection, it was obvious it was just a job to him (though a job well done), and I never heard from him again after I told him I wanted to focus more on having in-person connections -- not even a thank you or good bye.
Heh, I still want to focus more on having in-person connections, but I can't have them right now. The risk for my current harem of online boys is that After the Vaccine I'll lose interest in them if they don't actually want to visit. I'd be willing to travel to Canada or Massachusetts or elsewhere to meet these fellas, or to have them stay with me at the condo for a long weekend visit to DC. As I was willing to visit and host my dozens of gay LJ friends back when LJ was still a busy place, before Facebook sucked all of them away into our horrible social media future.
The online gay guys who I dumped back in 2005 were the ones who didn't want to meet in person. I had no time for that in my life anymore.
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Anyway, I'm glad Astrid's nighttime snuggles provided the stimulus for my snuggle dreams, I really needed some snuggles, and I really needed to talk with a therapist while snuggling with K.