who wants what
Tate pinballed between memories and guilt and uncertainty, although the pace of these thoughts slowed a bit as the Benadryl kicked in. It was great how Matt had labeled all the bottles for him in Braille. Just one of the small ways Matt showed he cared and was willing to change his life to include Tate. Matt wasn't an angel, he got grumpy about things ... ugh.
Tate was just starting to feel sleepy again when Matt popped his head in the doorway and softly called his name. Tate didn't know what to do or say. He pulled the pillow from Matt's side of the bed over his face, forming a Tate sandwich.
"Oh, dear," Matt said, moving to join him in the bed, kicking off his shoes along the way. "What's wrong? Have you had breakfast yet?"
"No," Tate whimpered softly.
"Lisa, please have someone send up Tate's favorite breakfast."
"OK!"
"I don't want to eat," Tate said into the pillow.
"You don't have to eat," Matt replied as he moved to snuggle with Tate. Tate then tossed the extra pillow aside and tried to burrow deeply into Matt's chest, then he started to cry again, choking sobs, which would've alarmed Matt if he hadn't been warned by Chris yesterday, and Alex this morning.
"It's OK, whatever it is, it's over now, you're safe, and I'm here."
More sobbing, but less intense over time. Matt caressed his young lover, tried to massage his muscles a bit.
Then Tate announced, "I cheated on you," and resumed his heavy choking sobs.
"Shhh, it's OK. You're the one who wanted me to be monogamous, I didn't ask that of you."
"And I have feelings for him," Tate managed to say.
"That's fine, that's what humans do, we have feelings for each other."
But Tate started punching Matt in the chest and yelling, "But I love you!" and more crying.
"I know, I love you too."
Tate screamed, "UGH!" but allowed himself to be touched, hugged, kissed.
"Plus, if Mom lets me bail her out, she'll want me to move back in with her."
"I suppose she would, she misses you very much."
"UGH! My life became so complicated!"
"Yes, for now. But you also can make choices, and as you get older you can make even more choices. Right now I'm choosing to sit here with you, for as long as you need me to. Because I love you."
More sobs, but Matt could feel some of the tension evaporating from Tate's body.
"I can't tell you more details, but I cheated on you, and I feel horrible about it . But he loved me. He needed me. He needed me like nobody has ever needed me before."
"Shhh. I know you like to take care of people. It's something you liked about your job with Chris, that you got to take care of his visitors. Like you took care of me."
"Yeah, but I didn't have SEX with them." Tate resumed punching Matt in the chest and belly. Matt just tried to hold him tighter.
"Do you want me to be mad at you? Because I'm not."
"UGH! Yes you are, because it's not fair. I made you promise monogamy, then I have sex with the first naked guy I spend time with."
"Really, the first naked guy? You had sex with him because he was naked." Matt couldn't help but smile, and kiss Tate some more.
"No. I had sex with him because I like him."
"That's good. Shhhh, it's OK. OK with me, anyway, I'm used to open relationships. And I've experienced some of their complications. Alex was very mad that I wanted to go visit Chris that first time. Although he didn't stop me. On the other hand, he's very supportive of my relationship with you. People have emotions, there's nothing wrong with having emotions."
"But what if I want to hang out with this guy again? I mean, he's not dead now or anything."
"I'm glad he's not dead now! Well, if you want to see him again, and he wants to see you again, then we all talk about it."
"UGH!" But Tate was still calming down, despite himself. The Benadryl, the snuggles, the sobs, the talking. It's all what he needed.
Matt suggested, "But maybe first, go visit your Mom. Tell her you've got the cash for bail now. She needs you also."
Tate shrugged, "I was supposed to get my eyes fixed before I visited her again, so the next time I could see her."
"But you hadn't really decided about that yet."
"I want to see her, I want to see you, I want to see Chris -- well, he probably won't allow me to. I want to see ... this other guy. It's very confusing! I was happy here with you! I would still be happy here with you!"
"If you moved back in with your Mom, I'm sure she'd let you have sleepovers with me, and visit Chris, and probably hang out with other guys, she's pretty laid back."
"I know. She's too laid back."
"Hah! You don't have to decide anything right now. You're plainly exhausted by your long week 'saving the galaxy'."
Tate stuck a hand into Matt's face, "Shut up."
"OK. I'll shut up. You shut up also. Let's take a nap together."
Just then, somebody was showing up with breakfast for Tate, but they both yelled, "Go Away!" and the bedroom door was closed from the outside. Leaving them alone, together.
Tate was just starting to feel sleepy again when Matt popped his head in the doorway and softly called his name. Tate didn't know what to do or say. He pulled the pillow from Matt's side of the bed over his face, forming a Tate sandwich.
"Oh, dear," Matt said, moving to join him in the bed, kicking off his shoes along the way. "What's wrong? Have you had breakfast yet?"
"No," Tate whimpered softly.
"Lisa, please have someone send up Tate's favorite breakfast."
"OK!"
"I don't want to eat," Tate said into the pillow.
"You don't have to eat," Matt replied as he moved to snuggle with Tate. Tate then tossed the extra pillow aside and tried to burrow deeply into Matt's chest, then he started to cry again, choking sobs, which would've alarmed Matt if he hadn't been warned by Chris yesterday, and Alex this morning.
"It's OK, whatever it is, it's over now, you're safe, and I'm here."
More sobbing, but less intense over time. Matt caressed his young lover, tried to massage his muscles a bit.
Then Tate announced, "I cheated on you," and resumed his heavy choking sobs.
"Shhh, it's OK. You're the one who wanted me to be monogamous, I didn't ask that of you."
"And I have feelings for him," Tate managed to say.
"That's fine, that's what humans do, we have feelings for each other."
But Tate started punching Matt in the chest and yelling, "But I love you!" and more crying.
"I know, I love you too."
Tate screamed, "UGH!" but allowed himself to be touched, hugged, kissed.
"Plus, if Mom lets me bail her out, she'll want me to move back in with her."
"I suppose she would, she misses you very much."
"UGH! My life became so complicated!"
"Yes, for now. But you also can make choices, and as you get older you can make even more choices. Right now I'm choosing to sit here with you, for as long as you need me to. Because I love you."
More sobs, but Matt could feel some of the tension evaporating from Tate's body.
"I can't tell you more details, but I cheated on you, and I feel horrible about it . But he loved me. He needed me. He needed me like nobody has ever needed me before."
"Shhh. I know you like to take care of people. It's something you liked about your job with Chris, that you got to take care of his visitors. Like you took care of me."
"Yeah, but I didn't have SEX with them." Tate resumed punching Matt in the chest and belly. Matt just tried to hold him tighter.
"Do you want me to be mad at you? Because I'm not."
"UGH! Yes you are, because it's not fair. I made you promise monogamy, then I have sex with the first naked guy I spend time with."
"Really, the first naked guy? You had sex with him because he was naked." Matt couldn't help but smile, and kiss Tate some more.
"No. I had sex with him because I like him."
"That's good. Shhhh, it's OK. OK with me, anyway, I'm used to open relationships. And I've experienced some of their complications. Alex was very mad that I wanted to go visit Chris that first time. Although he didn't stop me. On the other hand, he's very supportive of my relationship with you. People have emotions, there's nothing wrong with having emotions."
"But what if I want to hang out with this guy again? I mean, he's not dead now or anything."
"I'm glad he's not dead now! Well, if you want to see him again, and he wants to see you again, then we all talk about it."
"UGH!" But Tate was still calming down, despite himself. The Benadryl, the snuggles, the sobs, the talking. It's all what he needed.
Matt suggested, "But maybe first, go visit your Mom. Tell her you've got the cash for bail now. She needs you also."
Tate shrugged, "I was supposed to get my eyes fixed before I visited her again, so the next time I could see her."
"But you hadn't really decided about that yet."
"I want to see her, I want to see you, I want to see Chris -- well, he probably won't allow me to. I want to see ... this other guy. It's very confusing! I was happy here with you! I would still be happy here with you!"
"If you moved back in with your Mom, I'm sure she'd let you have sleepovers with me, and visit Chris, and probably hang out with other guys, she's pretty laid back."
"I know. She's too laid back."
"Hah! You don't have to decide anything right now. You're plainly exhausted by your long week 'saving the galaxy'."
Tate stuck a hand into Matt's face, "Shut up."
"OK. I'll shut up. You shut up also. Let's take a nap together."
Just then, somebody was showing up with breakfast for Tate, but they both yelled, "Go Away!" and the bedroom door was closed from the outside. Leaving them alone, together.