it's never this simple
but what if part of why I turned out gay, in addition to enjoying watching my father and grandfather take a piss, watching their huge cocks with my little-boy eyes, what if part of why I turned out gay was because my older sisters physically and emotionally abused me, creating a pattern in my young mind in which girls were horrible.
I remember one time when my parents went out for dinner and a movie, leaving my older sisters in charge for the first time, because they were old enough now. They locked me in my room the entire time, and said that they'd beat me up if I told. This was not the only time they treated me horrible and forced me to lie about it, under threat of torture. And it wasn't only them, we hosted an exchange student from Finland, and one night when my parents weren't home he and my sisters turned up the oven full blast and threatened to stuff me inside it. Just to see how scared I'd get. They lifted me up, by hands and feet, and swung my body back and forth toward the open oven. And one of my sister's boyfriends, when they were old enough to drive, while I was in the back seat, he drove at high speed on the wrong side of the road, at night, just to scare the fuck out of me.
My older sisters were mean and they either hanged out with mean boys or they brought out the meanness in the boys they hanged out with, targeting me.
One of my older sisters was committed to an institution for a while because she threatened to kill my brother. That's the story I remember. But they were just as awful to me.
And later, when one of them had a baby, and moved back in with us while she recovered from the unwanted pregnancy (her boyfriend ditched them), she beat her infant, while my parents weren't home, and I'd hide in my room.
They were both horrible people. Mean and abusive.
Is this why I crave Time to Self? Does this have something to do with why I try so hard to be responsible and empathetic? Does this have something to do with my attraction to BDSM? And the visceral dislike I have of feminine characteristics (despite being nonbinary, and gay, and feminist)?
Is there anything else lurking behind these triggers I've dismantled?
Is this why I feel inadequate? Is this why I'm passive aggressive? Post-traumatic adulthood.
I remember one time when my parents went out for dinner and a movie, leaving my older sisters in charge for the first time, because they were old enough now. They locked me in my room the entire time, and said that they'd beat me up if I told. This was not the only time they treated me horrible and forced me to lie about it, under threat of torture. And it wasn't only them, we hosted an exchange student from Finland, and one night when my parents weren't home he and my sisters turned up the oven full blast and threatened to stuff me inside it. Just to see how scared I'd get. They lifted me up, by hands and feet, and swung my body back and forth toward the open oven. And one of my sister's boyfriends, when they were old enough to drive, while I was in the back seat, he drove at high speed on the wrong side of the road, at night, just to scare the fuck out of me.
My older sisters were mean and they either hanged out with mean boys or they brought out the meanness in the boys they hanged out with, targeting me.
One of my older sisters was committed to an institution for a while because she threatened to kill my brother. That's the story I remember. But they were just as awful to me.
And later, when one of them had a baby, and moved back in with us while she recovered from the unwanted pregnancy (her boyfriend ditched them), she beat her infant, while my parents weren't home, and I'd hide in my room.
They were both horrible people. Mean and abusive.
Is this why I crave Time to Self? Does this have something to do with why I try so hard to be responsible and empathetic? Does this have something to do with my attraction to BDSM? And the visceral dislike I have of feminine characteristics (despite being nonbinary, and gay, and feminist)?
Is there anything else lurking behind these triggers I've dismantled?
Is this why I feel inadequate? Is this why I'm passive aggressive? Post-traumatic adulthood.