PoT Fic: "Feline Persuasion" (PG-13) - Inui/Kaidoh
Title: "Feline Persuasion" 
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Pairing: Inui/Kaidoh
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,223
Spoilers/Warnings: Statistics, and cat claws in painful places.
Summary: In which the Kaidohs catsit and, of course, Inui is the one who must suffer for it.
Notes: Written for the prompt 'up a tree' at writing_fest here.
Feline Persuasion
by Kantayra
Kaidoh’s mother had promised him that, if Seigaku won Nationals, she’d finally let him get a kitten. Of course, neither of Kaidoh’s parents had thought that this would actually happen since Seigaku hadn’t even made it to Nationals last year.
However, as they’d stood in the stands that day and cheered their son on (well out of the way, because they were both very considerate parents, and they knew that their son was going through that phase when he thought his parents were embarrassing), they couldn’t help but feel as though he’d earned it.
“Does this mean we get a cat?” Hazue asked hopefully as the last climatic match came to an end.
His parents exchanged a look and then slowly nodded. “We’re getting a cat,” Kaidoh’s father proclaimed.
Of course, because the Kaidohs were proud, responsible parents, it wasn’t that easy.
“We need to make sure you kids can take care of a cat before we get one,” Kaidoh’s mom informed them the next weekend. “So first we’re going to catsit for a friend for the week.”
Kaidoh and Hazue exchanged a knowing look. This shouldn’t be too much of a challenge. After all, cats mostly took care of themselves, right?
“This will, of course, be during your father’s holiday. It seems he’s gotten us tickets on a nice cruise.” Kaidoh’s mom smiled dreamily at the thought of her husband.
“We can take care of it,” Kaidoh agreed.
“Have a good time,” Hazue nodded.
Because nothing could go wrong, right?
***
Inui awoke, bright and early at the stroke of noon, to his phone ringing. “Bwuff-wuh?” he mumbled into the receiver.
“Senpai, I need your help,” came Kaidoh’s rough voice.
“Mmm,” Inui hummed dreamily to himself. “You look 32% cuter in the schoolgirl uniform than the nurse outfit.”
There was a long pause at the other end. “Is this Inui Sadaharu’s number?” Kaidoh’s voice finally asked hesitantly.
Inui blinked and jerked up with a start to realize that, yes, this was reality and not some delicious fantasy concocted by his subconscious. “Ah, yes! Kaidoh!” He scrambled for his glasses. “My apologies, I was…watching TV before you called.” He didn’t really feel like explaining that he’d been sleeping because he’d been up all night building statistical models on whether or not Kaidoh might have a crush on him, too. (And reworking the model every time the percentage came up abysmally low.)
“Of course,” Kaidoh still sounded a bit suspicious, but he let it pass. “I need your help,” he repeated.
“What’s up?” Inui rubbed a hand through his hair and got out of bed.
“Well…” Kaidoh hedged. “How soon can you get to my place?”
“Twelve-point-four-three minutes,” Inui answered from rote memory.
“Hurry!” Kaidoh pleaded.
Sounds like screaming could be heard in the background.
Inui was out the door in an instant…and then back inside because, he figured, it would raise suspicions a further 87% if he arrived on Kaidoh’s doorstep without pants.
***
When Inui (fully clothed) finally did arrive at the Kaidoh residence, no one seemed to be home. At least, none of the lights were on, the Kaidohs’ car wasn’t in its usual spot, and the blinds were all closed. The far-left window’s blinds were strangely skewed, though, as if something large had brushed up against them rather violently. Inui rang the doorbell, in any case.
Nothing happened, and Inui frowned down at his cell phone to make sure Kaidoh hadn’t texted him with a change of plan. There was no message, so Inui tried knocking; maybe the doorbell was broken. Again, there was no response.
Inui grew concerned. If it had been anyone else on the team, he would have considered the possibility that they were pranking him (or, in Tezuka’s case, deliberately avoiding him), but Kaidoh wasn’t like that. Kaidoh actually seemed to welcome his company. Inui was 92% confident of that.
So the only alternative was that something had happened to Kaidoh. Perhaps there had been a family emergency, and they’d all had to leave at a moment’s notice (13%). Or maybe the Kaidoh family had been invaded by armed robbers and were all being held hostage (only 0.2%). Or what if Kaidoh’s mother had left the gas on, and the whole family was passed out nearly dead, and Kaidoh had called Inui with his last breath to come turn off the gas and save them all?
The door was unlocked. Inui burst in, even though the logical part of his brain was screaming 1% at him.
Instantly, Inui was viciously assaulted by a mass of fur. His attacker launched onto his face, and Inui screamed out in horror and fell back on his ass right on the Kaidohs’ doorstep. The attacker vanished as soon as it had materialized.
“Kaoru!” Inui heard as he fumbled on the ground for his glasses. “Your boyfriend is here!” There was a 100% certainty that such a statement could only emit from the mouth of a bratty little brother.
“Inui-senpai!” came Kaidoh’s alarmed voice. “Did you catch him?”
Inui found his glasses and put them back on. He’d only gotten a brief vision of wild eyes, fur, and claws, but it had been enough. “Kaidoh,” Inui asked curiously, “why did Karupin just attack my face?”
***
“-so we’re looking after him while the Echizens are in America,” Hazue continued to prattle on, “but mom and dad are getting back tonight, and we’re not supposed to let him out, and we still need to clean up, and…” Hazue seemed to have run out of steam. “That’s about it.”
“Be careful, Inui-senpai,” Kaidoh worried.
Inui grunted. “I don’t,” a wince, “remember him,” a gurgle, “being this much,” a strain and a stretch, “of a pain!” Inui reached out along the branch, as far as his arm could reach. Karupin just leapt nimbly up to the next limb and meowed down at him. Inui panted for breath and slid back down to the tree trunk, so he could climb up to the next branch.
“Yes, well…” Kaidoh sounded suspiciously guilty.
Hazue coughed in an embarrassed sort of way.
Inui settled himself on the next branch and fixed his focus on the fluffy feline before him, with laser-like precision. “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,” he cooed in a way that was probably supposed to be reassuring, but actually came off as diabolical.
Karupin tilted his head and looked at Inui curiously.
And Kaidoh finally finished his hemming and hawing down below and confessed, “That was before we gave him catnip.”
Inui’s eyes widened, not diabolical at all anymore. “You wha-Ouch!”
Inui found himself with a face full of fur for the second time that day. He flailed blindly, lost his grip on the tree, and plummeted to the ground.
“Oof,” Inui wheezed piteously. Karupin was still sitting on his face, staring into his eyes so closely that his whiskers brushed Inui’s glasses.
“Inui-senpai!” Kaidoh called out in alarm. “Are you all right?”
Inui made a deflating noise. He wondered if that was his lungs.
“Inui-senpai?” Kaidoh’s hands were frantic over him, checking for broken bones.
In a way, it was almost nice. Pleasant, like a dream where Kaidoh touched him all over, and there were certainly no cats licking his forehead.
Hazue finally picked Karupin up off Inui’s face. “On the plus side,” he commented, smirking down at Inui, “at least you got him out of the tree.”
So much for Inui’s happy dream-like state.
***
Inui reflected morosely that he’d started out the day with exactly zero scratches. After the three of them had dragged Karupin, hissing and clawing, back inside, that number had increased to forty-five. It was an exponential scale. Inui calculated that, if he stayed at the Kaidoh house until midnight, his entire body would be covered in scratches. He wondered, if that happened, would Kaidoh tenderly tend to them all, while cooing to him that he’d take extra good care of his senpai? Because that fantasy was the only thing keeping Inui going at the moment.
Instead, Inui winced and licked the wound on his finger, and something crashed in the living room.
“He’s headed for the kitchen!” Hazue cried out in alarm. “Cut him off!”
Kaidoh dashed by at top speed. His footwork really had become quite excellent. Inui watched his rear move appreciatively.
“Dining room! Dining room!” Kaidoh’s voice yelled from the kitchen.
“I’m on it!” Hazue dove for the lamp Karupin had just knocked over. 24% chance of success, Inui calculated. Despite the odds, Hazue caught it in time. He crashed to the floor with a loud “oof,” the lamp clutched in victory over his head.
“Quick!” Kaidoh called to Inui. “He’s headed for the bathroom!”
Inui’s eyes narrowed as he faced off with his opponent.
“Mreow!” Karupin taunted him and dove right between his legs.
Inui tripped and face-planted on the couch. He spun around in time to see Karupin leap viciously on the roll of toilet paper. The sink was already a mass of carnage.
“Stop him!” Kaidoh called out.
Inui got up calmly, reached over, and slammed the bathroom door shut with Karupin still inside.
“Mreow!” Karupin insisted more vehemently.
“Why can’t we let him outside again?” Inui demanded.
“He’s on pills for this worm problem thing,” Hazue chimed in. “We’re supposed to keep him from potential infections until he’s done with medication cycle.”
Inui resisted the urge to bang his head on the wall.
“We’ve got to get him out of there,” Kaidoh insisted. “He could destroy-”
“What?” Inui asked curiously. “At least in the bathroom, he’s contained, with a limited number of items to break, until the catnip wears off.”
Just as he finished, the sound of the shower curtain crashing down reverberated through the door.
Kaidoh scowled.
Inui winced. “My mistake,” he agreed, and opened the door.
Karupin dashed out. Kaidoh dove for him. Inui dove for him a second later. They both missed and fell flat on their faces, Inui across Kaidoh’s back.
Inui froze for a moment in abject rapture. Immediately under his groin was something warm and firm, but just a little bit soft as well. It was also wiggling. Chance that I’ve died and this is Heaven: 82%.
“Senpai?” Kaidoh squirmed beneath him. “Are you all right?”
Inui was too dazed to hear.
“Hey,” Hazue complained. “You two can make out later. I’m not chasing Karupin down by myself.” He fixed them with a glare almost worthy of his older brother.
Kaidoh’s face blushed beet red, and Inui instantly scrambled back off that brief glimpse of paradise.
In the other room, something crashed to the ground. The lamp Hazue had so heroically saved had just met its end.
Sometimes, Inui thought the universe was mocking him.
***
“Here, puss, puss, puss,” Kaidoh cooed, down on his hands and knees, dangling a cat toy right at the edge of the space beneath the couch.
On the other side of the couch, Inui squinted and could just make out eyes in the darkness.
“We’ve got him now,” Hazue concluded on the other side, poised like Inui was.
“Here, puss, puss, puss,” Kaidoh continued to waggle the cat toy.
“I believe he’s leaning your way, Hazue,” Inui concluded. “There’s an 88% chance. Be prepared for-”
Karupin took that moment to dart in Inui’s direction. Inui dove. Karupin leapt between his outstretched hands and landed right on his back. Claws sunk in.
“Ah!” Inui cried out. “Get it off! Get it off!”
“I’ve got him!” Kaidoh lunged for Inui’s back.
Karupin launched right off his face and ran for the kitchen again. Kaidoh landed on Inui’s back and knocked the breath right out of him.
“I-I’m so sorry, senpai!” Kaidoh said, wide-eyed, instantly getting back off of Inui.
Inui thought, as he struggled to breathe, that the least Kaidoh could have done was stay there for a while. He’d been nice and warm, and the Kaidohs kept the air-conditioning turned up way too high.
“I’ve got him!” Hazue had dashed into the kitchen after Karupin. “Come on, Kaoru!”
Inui waved for Kaidoh to go, then rolled onto his back and contemplated dying. Cats, it seemed, defied data, much like Fuji. In the distance, he could hear more scrambling, a few angry cat hisses, and some grumbling that was coming dangerously close to swearing.
Inui actually felt rather Zen about the whole thing. As long as he was lying here, on his back, gasping for air, he was free. Free to contemplate how pathetic he was to be here in the first place but how very nice it had been the few times he and Kaidoh had ground into each other. Inui felt his lips begin to curl into a smile as he stared up at the blank ceiling.
“Mreow?” came a questioning call.
Inui looked down, past his toes, to see Karupin sitting just between his feet. “Ah,” he said calmly. “Good kitty.”
“Mreow,” Karupin agreed. He came closer, climbed into Inui’s lap, and started kneading.
“Aieeee!” Inui screamed at a pitch that would have turned castrati around the world green with envy.
Kaidoh and Hazue raced in.
“Senpai!” Kaidoh called in alarm, eyes wide.
Inui hissed and gritted his teeth as Karupin made a second circle around his lap.
“Shh, shh!” Hazue said excitedly. “It looks like he’s finally coming down.”
“Make. It. Stop!” Inui squeaked.
“He’s just settling in for a nap,” Kaidoh blinked at Inui, perplexed because he had no conception of the claws involved in such an act.
Inui whimpered.
And Karupin finally fell asleep with a rumbling purr.
***
Mister and Missus Kaidoh returned home that evening to discover that their house hadn’t exploded. Their children were watching a movie, and their son’s nice friend from tennis club had come over and was lying on the couch, the cat in his lap.
“How was everything while we were gone?” Mr. Kaidoh asked, giving Hazue an affectionate hair mussing.
“Dad!” Hazue complained and blushed at being treated like a kid in front of his brother’s older friend.
“No problem,” Kaidoh said with a shrug.
“We’re practically grown-ups now,” Hazue insisted. “We can take care of ourselves.”
“Ah, Mr. Kaidoh. Good to see you,” Inui greeted. His voice sounded a bit strained.
“Nice to see you, too, Sadaharu,” Mr. Kaidoh agreed. “I trust you kept Kaoru out of trouble.”
Kaidoh blushed. Inui coughed. Mr. Kaidoh chuckled and headed upstairs to unpack.
Mrs. Kaidoh wandered in. “Did you boys clean the bathroom while I was gone?” she asked, puzzled. “It’s spotless.”
Kaidoh, Hazue, and Inui exchanged nervous looks.
“No, mom,” Kaidoh finally answered. “Why would we do that?”
“Hmm…” Mrs. Kaidoh shook her head. Obviously, her own cleaning was better than she’d remembered. She wandered back out.
Mr. Kaidoh came back in. “Say, kids-” he froze and blinked at the end table. “Is that the lamp we’ve always had?”
“Yes,” Kaidoh, Hazue, and Inui all insisted in vehement unison. A shared conspiratorial look passed between them, regarding the mad dash to the discount mall. Inui’s wallet weighed nothing at all at this point, although Kaidoh’s smirk in his direction just then was worth it.
“Huh.” Mr. Kaidoh shook his head. “Well, I was about to say your mom’s too tired from the trip to cook, so how about we get some carry-out sushi? Sadaharu, you’re invited to stay for dinner, too, of course.”
“Yay!” Hazue exclaimed before he remembered that he was way too old for that sort of thing. “Um, I mean, excellent idea,” he said in an obviously faked deep voice.
“You’re the best, dad,” Kaidoh smiled at him.
“Thank you very much, Mr. Kaidoh,” Inui agreed. “I’d be honored to accept.”
“Great. I’ll order a couple of combo platters, then.” Mr. Kaidoh headed for the phone…and then paused. “Hmm… Did something happen to the blinds?”
Kaidoh, Hazue, and Inui looked up to notice that the cat-shaped indent that Inui had spotted in the blinds when he’d arrived had been forgotten in the shuffle. They all gulped and looked at each other, wide-eyed.
“Ah, that would be my fault,” Inui finally apologized. “We were playing around earlier, and I bumped into them.”
Kaidoh quickly got up and straightened them back out. “There. All better,” he said nervously.
Mr. Kaidoh just chuckled and headed back into the kitchen. “Boys…”
The three of them waited until he was gone and then burst out snickering.
“Hey, Kaoru,” Hazue said. “Your boyfriend is all right.”
Kaidoh and Inui manage to bean him with their respective couch pillows simultaneously.
***
One week later, Inui was awakened from his morning nap by the ringing of his cell phone. “Mmf-wuzzuh?” he complained. He’d been right in the middle of his favorite dream, the one where Kaidoh strip-teased while reciting the Periodic Table. Except for some reason, Kaidoh always forgot Manganese. Inui could never figure out what that meant.
“Inui-senpai,” Kaidoh said, “how soon can you come over?”
“Twelve-point-four-three minutes,” Inui mumbled automatically.
“Come over, then.” Kaidoh hung up.
Inui rolled out of bed, remembered to find pants first this time, and made it over to Kaidoh’s house with three seconds to spare.
“Come in, come in!” Kaidoh grabbed his arm and tugged him across the threshold. Already this was an improvement over his last visit. “You have to see him!”
Inui blinked. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Kaidoh excited like this before. “Him?”
“The cat!”
“Cat?” Inui’s eyes widened. “But…the Echizens are back from New York!”
“Not that cat,” Kaidoh explained. “Look!”
Inui was dragged into the living room, and there was Hazue playing with what appeared to be a tiny, black ball of fuzz.
“Isn’t he adorable?” Hazue cooed and picked up the fuzz in the palms of his hands. He presented it to Inui.
Inui blinked at it. It had tiny, little eyes, Inui could see upon closer inspection. A pink tongue emerged from the fluff and licked him right on the forehead.
“Eh?” Inui scratched his head.
“Mom and dad finally let us get a cat,” Kaidoh announced happily.
“’Cause we took such good care of Karupin,” Hazue added.
Inui coughed.
Kaidoh and Hazue smirked at him.
“You didn’t tell me that was part of the deal,” he accused them.
Hazue rolled his eyes. “He’s not that bad. Here, you can pet him.”
Inui had only just sat down when the fuzz ball was plopped right into his lap. He froze in horror, eyes squeezed tight, waiting for the pain to come.
It didn’t.
Inui opened his eyes to look down at the fuzz ball. The fuzz ball batted playfully at the drawstring to his sweatpants.
“The odds were 98% that he would…” Inui trailed off. It was too horrible to even speak aloud.
Kaidoh scoffed. “That was Echizen’s cat. This is my cat, and he likes you.” Kaidoh reached into Inui’s lap to pet the fuzz ball. The fuzz ball purred and rubbed against Kaidoh’s hand. Kaidoh’s hand, quite by accident, rubbed against something else entirely because of it.
Kaidoh blushed, but he didn’t pull his hand away.
Inui blushed, and reached down to pet the kitty in his lap as well. This was quite possibly the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Until it decided, then and there, to leap on his face, of course.
As always, feedback is most appreciated.
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Pairing: Inui/Kaidoh
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,223
Spoilers/Warnings: Statistics, and cat claws in painful places.
Summary: In which the Kaidohs catsit and, of course, Inui is the one who must suffer for it.
Notes: Written for the prompt 'up a tree' at writing_fest here.
Feline Persuasion
by Kantayra
Kaidoh’s mother had promised him that, if Seigaku won Nationals, she’d finally let him get a kitten. Of course, neither of Kaidoh’s parents had thought that this would actually happen since Seigaku hadn’t even made it to Nationals last year.
However, as they’d stood in the stands that day and cheered their son on (well out of the way, because they were both very considerate parents, and they knew that their son was going through that phase when he thought his parents were embarrassing), they couldn’t help but feel as though he’d earned it.
“Does this mean we get a cat?” Hazue asked hopefully as the last climatic match came to an end.
His parents exchanged a look and then slowly nodded. “We’re getting a cat,” Kaidoh’s father proclaimed.
Of course, because the Kaidohs were proud, responsible parents, it wasn’t that easy.
“We need to make sure you kids can take care of a cat before we get one,” Kaidoh’s mom informed them the next weekend. “So first we’re going to catsit for a friend for the week.”
Kaidoh and Hazue exchanged a knowing look. This shouldn’t be too much of a challenge. After all, cats mostly took care of themselves, right?
“This will, of course, be during your father’s holiday. It seems he’s gotten us tickets on a nice cruise.” Kaidoh’s mom smiled dreamily at the thought of her husband.
“We can take care of it,” Kaidoh agreed.
“Have a good time,” Hazue nodded.
Because nothing could go wrong, right?
***
Inui awoke, bright and early at the stroke of noon, to his phone ringing. “Bwuff-wuh?” he mumbled into the receiver.
“Senpai, I need your help,” came Kaidoh’s rough voice.
“Mmm,” Inui hummed dreamily to himself. “You look 32% cuter in the schoolgirl uniform than the nurse outfit.”
There was a long pause at the other end. “Is this Inui Sadaharu’s number?” Kaidoh’s voice finally asked hesitantly.
Inui blinked and jerked up with a start to realize that, yes, this was reality and not some delicious fantasy concocted by his subconscious. “Ah, yes! Kaidoh!” He scrambled for his glasses. “My apologies, I was…watching TV before you called.” He didn’t really feel like explaining that he’d been sleeping because he’d been up all night building statistical models on whether or not Kaidoh might have a crush on him, too. (And reworking the model every time the percentage came up abysmally low.)
“Of course,” Kaidoh still sounded a bit suspicious, but he let it pass. “I need your help,” he repeated.
“What’s up?” Inui rubbed a hand through his hair and got out of bed.
“Well…” Kaidoh hedged. “How soon can you get to my place?”
“Twelve-point-four-three minutes,” Inui answered from rote memory.
“Hurry!” Kaidoh pleaded.
Sounds like screaming could be heard in the background.
Inui was out the door in an instant…and then back inside because, he figured, it would raise suspicions a further 87% if he arrived on Kaidoh’s doorstep without pants.
***
When Inui (fully clothed) finally did arrive at the Kaidoh residence, no one seemed to be home. At least, none of the lights were on, the Kaidohs’ car wasn’t in its usual spot, and the blinds were all closed. The far-left window’s blinds were strangely skewed, though, as if something large had brushed up against them rather violently. Inui rang the doorbell, in any case.
Nothing happened, and Inui frowned down at his cell phone to make sure Kaidoh hadn’t texted him with a change of plan. There was no message, so Inui tried knocking; maybe the doorbell was broken. Again, there was no response.
Inui grew concerned. If it had been anyone else on the team, he would have considered the possibility that they were pranking him (or, in Tezuka’s case, deliberately avoiding him), but Kaidoh wasn’t like that. Kaidoh actually seemed to welcome his company. Inui was 92% confident of that.
So the only alternative was that something had happened to Kaidoh. Perhaps there had been a family emergency, and they’d all had to leave at a moment’s notice (13%). Or maybe the Kaidoh family had been invaded by armed robbers and were all being held hostage (only 0.2%). Or what if Kaidoh’s mother had left the gas on, and the whole family was passed out nearly dead, and Kaidoh had called Inui with his last breath to come turn off the gas and save them all?
The door was unlocked. Inui burst in, even though the logical part of his brain was screaming 1% at him.
Instantly, Inui was viciously assaulted by a mass of fur. His attacker launched onto his face, and Inui screamed out in horror and fell back on his ass right on the Kaidohs’ doorstep. The attacker vanished as soon as it had materialized.
“Kaoru!” Inui heard as he fumbled on the ground for his glasses. “Your boyfriend is here!” There was a 100% certainty that such a statement could only emit from the mouth of a bratty little brother.
“Inui-senpai!” came Kaidoh’s alarmed voice. “Did you catch him?”
Inui found his glasses and put them back on. He’d only gotten a brief vision of wild eyes, fur, and claws, but it had been enough. “Kaidoh,” Inui asked curiously, “why did Karupin just attack my face?”
***
“-so we’re looking after him while the Echizens are in America,” Hazue continued to prattle on, “but mom and dad are getting back tonight, and we’re not supposed to let him out, and we still need to clean up, and…” Hazue seemed to have run out of steam. “That’s about it.”
“Be careful, Inui-senpai,” Kaidoh worried.
Inui grunted. “I don’t,” a wince, “remember him,” a gurgle, “being this much,” a strain and a stretch, “of a pain!” Inui reached out along the branch, as far as his arm could reach. Karupin just leapt nimbly up to the next limb and meowed down at him. Inui panted for breath and slid back down to the tree trunk, so he could climb up to the next branch.
“Yes, well…” Kaidoh sounded suspiciously guilty.
Hazue coughed in an embarrassed sort of way.
Inui settled himself on the next branch and fixed his focus on the fluffy feline before him, with laser-like precision. “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,” he cooed in a way that was probably supposed to be reassuring, but actually came off as diabolical.
Karupin tilted his head and looked at Inui curiously.
And Kaidoh finally finished his hemming and hawing down below and confessed, “That was before we gave him catnip.”
Inui’s eyes widened, not diabolical at all anymore. “You wha-Ouch!”
Inui found himself with a face full of fur for the second time that day. He flailed blindly, lost his grip on the tree, and plummeted to the ground.
“Oof,” Inui wheezed piteously. Karupin was still sitting on his face, staring into his eyes so closely that his whiskers brushed Inui’s glasses.
“Inui-senpai!” Kaidoh called out in alarm. “Are you all right?”
Inui made a deflating noise. He wondered if that was his lungs.
“Inui-senpai?” Kaidoh’s hands were frantic over him, checking for broken bones.
In a way, it was almost nice. Pleasant, like a dream where Kaidoh touched him all over, and there were certainly no cats licking his forehead.
Hazue finally picked Karupin up off Inui’s face. “On the plus side,” he commented, smirking down at Inui, “at least you got him out of the tree.”
So much for Inui’s happy dream-like state.
***
Inui reflected morosely that he’d started out the day with exactly zero scratches. After the three of them had dragged Karupin, hissing and clawing, back inside, that number had increased to forty-five. It was an exponential scale. Inui calculated that, if he stayed at the Kaidoh house until midnight, his entire body would be covered in scratches. He wondered, if that happened, would Kaidoh tenderly tend to them all, while cooing to him that he’d take extra good care of his senpai? Because that fantasy was the only thing keeping Inui going at the moment.
Instead, Inui winced and licked the wound on his finger, and something crashed in the living room.
“He’s headed for the kitchen!” Hazue cried out in alarm. “Cut him off!”
Kaidoh dashed by at top speed. His footwork really had become quite excellent. Inui watched his rear move appreciatively.
“Dining room! Dining room!” Kaidoh’s voice yelled from the kitchen.
“I’m on it!” Hazue dove for the lamp Karupin had just knocked over. 24% chance of success, Inui calculated. Despite the odds, Hazue caught it in time. He crashed to the floor with a loud “oof,” the lamp clutched in victory over his head.
“Quick!” Kaidoh called to Inui. “He’s headed for the bathroom!”
Inui’s eyes narrowed as he faced off with his opponent.
“Mreow!” Karupin taunted him and dove right between his legs.
Inui tripped and face-planted on the couch. He spun around in time to see Karupin leap viciously on the roll of toilet paper. The sink was already a mass of carnage.
“Stop him!” Kaidoh called out.
Inui got up calmly, reached over, and slammed the bathroom door shut with Karupin still inside.
“Mreow!” Karupin insisted more vehemently.
“Why can’t we let him outside again?” Inui demanded.
“He’s on pills for this worm problem thing,” Hazue chimed in. “We’re supposed to keep him from potential infections until he’s done with medication cycle.”
Inui resisted the urge to bang his head on the wall.
“We’ve got to get him out of there,” Kaidoh insisted. “He could destroy-”
“What?” Inui asked curiously. “At least in the bathroom, he’s contained, with a limited number of items to break, until the catnip wears off.”
Just as he finished, the sound of the shower curtain crashing down reverberated through the door.
Kaidoh scowled.
Inui winced. “My mistake,” he agreed, and opened the door.
Karupin dashed out. Kaidoh dove for him. Inui dove for him a second later. They both missed and fell flat on their faces, Inui across Kaidoh’s back.
Inui froze for a moment in abject rapture. Immediately under his groin was something warm and firm, but just a little bit soft as well. It was also wiggling. Chance that I’ve died and this is Heaven: 82%.
“Senpai?” Kaidoh squirmed beneath him. “Are you all right?”
Inui was too dazed to hear.
“Hey,” Hazue complained. “You two can make out later. I’m not chasing Karupin down by myself.” He fixed them with a glare almost worthy of his older brother.
Kaidoh’s face blushed beet red, and Inui instantly scrambled back off that brief glimpse of paradise.
In the other room, something crashed to the ground. The lamp Hazue had so heroically saved had just met its end.
Sometimes, Inui thought the universe was mocking him.
***
“Here, puss, puss, puss,” Kaidoh cooed, down on his hands and knees, dangling a cat toy right at the edge of the space beneath the couch.
On the other side of the couch, Inui squinted and could just make out eyes in the darkness.
“We’ve got him now,” Hazue concluded on the other side, poised like Inui was.
“Here, puss, puss, puss,” Kaidoh continued to waggle the cat toy.
“I believe he’s leaning your way, Hazue,” Inui concluded. “There’s an 88% chance. Be prepared for-”
Karupin took that moment to dart in Inui’s direction. Inui dove. Karupin leapt between his outstretched hands and landed right on his back. Claws sunk in.
“Ah!” Inui cried out. “Get it off! Get it off!”
“I’ve got him!” Kaidoh lunged for Inui’s back.
Karupin launched right off his face and ran for the kitchen again. Kaidoh landed on Inui’s back and knocked the breath right out of him.
“I-I’m so sorry, senpai!” Kaidoh said, wide-eyed, instantly getting back off of Inui.
Inui thought, as he struggled to breathe, that the least Kaidoh could have done was stay there for a while. He’d been nice and warm, and the Kaidohs kept the air-conditioning turned up way too high.
“I’ve got him!” Hazue had dashed into the kitchen after Karupin. “Come on, Kaoru!”
Inui waved for Kaidoh to go, then rolled onto his back and contemplated dying. Cats, it seemed, defied data, much like Fuji. In the distance, he could hear more scrambling, a few angry cat hisses, and some grumbling that was coming dangerously close to swearing.
Inui actually felt rather Zen about the whole thing. As long as he was lying here, on his back, gasping for air, he was free. Free to contemplate how pathetic he was to be here in the first place but how very nice it had been the few times he and Kaidoh had ground into each other. Inui felt his lips begin to curl into a smile as he stared up at the blank ceiling.
“Mreow?” came a questioning call.
Inui looked down, past his toes, to see Karupin sitting just between his feet. “Ah,” he said calmly. “Good kitty.”
“Mreow,” Karupin agreed. He came closer, climbed into Inui’s lap, and started kneading.
“Aieeee!” Inui screamed at a pitch that would have turned castrati around the world green with envy.
Kaidoh and Hazue raced in.
“Senpai!” Kaidoh called in alarm, eyes wide.
Inui hissed and gritted his teeth as Karupin made a second circle around his lap.
“Shh, shh!” Hazue said excitedly. “It looks like he’s finally coming down.”
“Make. It. Stop!” Inui squeaked.
“He’s just settling in for a nap,” Kaidoh blinked at Inui, perplexed because he had no conception of the claws involved in such an act.
Inui whimpered.
And Karupin finally fell asleep with a rumbling purr.
***
Mister and Missus Kaidoh returned home that evening to discover that their house hadn’t exploded. Their children were watching a movie, and their son’s nice friend from tennis club had come over and was lying on the couch, the cat in his lap.
“How was everything while we were gone?” Mr. Kaidoh asked, giving Hazue an affectionate hair mussing.
“Dad!” Hazue complained and blushed at being treated like a kid in front of his brother’s older friend.
“No problem,” Kaidoh said with a shrug.
“We’re practically grown-ups now,” Hazue insisted. “We can take care of ourselves.”
“Ah, Mr. Kaidoh. Good to see you,” Inui greeted. His voice sounded a bit strained.
“Nice to see you, too, Sadaharu,” Mr. Kaidoh agreed. “I trust you kept Kaoru out of trouble.”
Kaidoh blushed. Inui coughed. Mr. Kaidoh chuckled and headed upstairs to unpack.
Mrs. Kaidoh wandered in. “Did you boys clean the bathroom while I was gone?” she asked, puzzled. “It’s spotless.”
Kaidoh, Hazue, and Inui exchanged nervous looks.
“No, mom,” Kaidoh finally answered. “Why would we do that?”
“Hmm…” Mrs. Kaidoh shook her head. Obviously, her own cleaning was better than she’d remembered. She wandered back out.
Mr. Kaidoh came back in. “Say, kids-” he froze and blinked at the end table. “Is that the lamp we’ve always had?”
“Yes,” Kaidoh, Hazue, and Inui all insisted in vehement unison. A shared conspiratorial look passed between them, regarding the mad dash to the discount mall. Inui’s wallet weighed nothing at all at this point, although Kaidoh’s smirk in his direction just then was worth it.
“Huh.” Mr. Kaidoh shook his head. “Well, I was about to say your mom’s too tired from the trip to cook, so how about we get some carry-out sushi? Sadaharu, you’re invited to stay for dinner, too, of course.”
“Yay!” Hazue exclaimed before he remembered that he was way too old for that sort of thing. “Um, I mean, excellent idea,” he said in an obviously faked deep voice.
“You’re the best, dad,” Kaidoh smiled at him.
“Thank you very much, Mr. Kaidoh,” Inui agreed. “I’d be honored to accept.”
“Great. I’ll order a couple of combo platters, then.” Mr. Kaidoh headed for the phone…and then paused. “Hmm… Did something happen to the blinds?”
Kaidoh, Hazue, and Inui looked up to notice that the cat-shaped indent that Inui had spotted in the blinds when he’d arrived had been forgotten in the shuffle. They all gulped and looked at each other, wide-eyed.
“Ah, that would be my fault,” Inui finally apologized. “We were playing around earlier, and I bumped into them.”
Kaidoh quickly got up and straightened them back out. “There. All better,” he said nervously.
Mr. Kaidoh just chuckled and headed back into the kitchen. “Boys…”
The three of them waited until he was gone and then burst out snickering.
“Hey, Kaoru,” Hazue said. “Your boyfriend is all right.”
Kaidoh and Inui manage to bean him with their respective couch pillows simultaneously.
***
One week later, Inui was awakened from his morning nap by the ringing of his cell phone. “Mmf-wuzzuh?” he complained. He’d been right in the middle of his favorite dream, the one where Kaidoh strip-teased while reciting the Periodic Table. Except for some reason, Kaidoh always forgot Manganese. Inui could never figure out what that meant.
“Inui-senpai,” Kaidoh said, “how soon can you come over?”
“Twelve-point-four-three minutes,” Inui mumbled automatically.
“Come over, then.” Kaidoh hung up.
Inui rolled out of bed, remembered to find pants first this time, and made it over to Kaidoh’s house with three seconds to spare.
“Come in, come in!” Kaidoh grabbed his arm and tugged him across the threshold. Already this was an improvement over his last visit. “You have to see him!”
Inui blinked. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Kaidoh excited like this before. “Him?”
“The cat!”
“Cat?” Inui’s eyes widened. “But…the Echizens are back from New York!”
“Not that cat,” Kaidoh explained. “Look!”
Inui was dragged into the living room, and there was Hazue playing with what appeared to be a tiny, black ball of fuzz.
“Isn’t he adorable?” Hazue cooed and picked up the fuzz in the palms of his hands. He presented it to Inui.
Inui blinked at it. It had tiny, little eyes, Inui could see upon closer inspection. A pink tongue emerged from the fluff and licked him right on the forehead.
“Eh?” Inui scratched his head.
“Mom and dad finally let us get a cat,” Kaidoh announced happily.
“’Cause we took such good care of Karupin,” Hazue added.
Inui coughed.
Kaidoh and Hazue smirked at him.
“You didn’t tell me that was part of the deal,” he accused them.
Hazue rolled his eyes. “He’s not that bad. Here, you can pet him.”
Inui had only just sat down when the fuzz ball was plopped right into his lap. He froze in horror, eyes squeezed tight, waiting for the pain to come.
It didn’t.
Inui opened his eyes to look down at the fuzz ball. The fuzz ball batted playfully at the drawstring to his sweatpants.
“The odds were 98% that he would…” Inui trailed off. It was too horrible to even speak aloud.
Kaidoh scoffed. “That was Echizen’s cat. This is my cat, and he likes you.” Kaidoh reached into Inui’s lap to pet the fuzz ball. The fuzz ball purred and rubbed against Kaidoh’s hand. Kaidoh’s hand, quite by accident, rubbed against something else entirely because of it.
Kaidoh blushed, but he didn’t pull his hand away.
Inui blushed, and reached down to pet the kitty in his lap as well. This was quite possibly the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Until it decided, then and there, to leap on his face, of course.
As always, feedback is most appreciated.