SV Fic: "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus" (PG-13) - Clark/Lex, Lena
Title: "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus" 
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clark/Lex, Lena
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,600
Spoilers/Warnings: Future, post-Rift fic, so no real spoilers.
Summary: Lena's dad has been kissing Santa Claus...
Notes: Shameless Christmas fluff. :P Thanks to txtequilanights for looking this over.
I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
by Kantayra
“I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus.”
“Mommy.”
“Huh?”
“It’s ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,’ Lena.”
“But…I didn’t see Mommy kissing Santa Claus!”
“It’s a song.”
“Besides, my Mommy was an evil, murderous harpy who tried to kill Daddy for his money.”
“Who told you that?”
“Daddy.”
“When your father gets back from his office, I’m going to have a nice, long talk with him…”
“So I don’t want Mommy to kiss Santa Claus! That would mean Santa Claus is evil and trying to kill Daddy, too! We should activate the perimeter defense system…”
“Lena, sweetie?”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, Christ! Don’t cry, okay? Mommy wasn’t kissing Santa Claus. I promise. Mommy’s banished to a very distant deserted asteroid where she can never try to hurt Daddy and take you away ever again.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“Okay, then. But I still saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus. So…it’s a good thing Mommy wasn’t kissing Santa Claus, too. ‘Cause if Santa Claus was cheating on Daddy, we’d have to use all the anti-aircraft weaponry against Santa’s sleigh. And then I wouldn’t get presents.”
“You’d kill Santa Claus just because he cheated on your Dad?”
“No, but Daddy would.”
“I’m not sure…”
“Oh, you know he would. He’d call it a ‘unilateral investment strategy’ and shoot Santa dead. And then I wouldn’t get any presents!”
“That’s really the part that bothers you most?”
“I like presents!”
“You’re kind of a strange kid, you know that?”
“‘Better to be extraordinary than boring.’”
“Oh, great. Now he’s got you quoting him. This has to count as some sort of child abuse…”
“You’re not here to do an exposé, are you? Daddy warned me about reporters…”
“Oh, believe me. No one would believe you’re real even if I tried to report half this stuff…”
“But Mercy let you into the penthouse. So you must be different from that Evil Witch Lane…”
“Hey! Lois is not-!”
“But you’d still better watch yourself. Daddy’s lawyers will sue you for libel. And Daddy’s lawyers are scary!”
“We’re agreed on that one, pumpkin.”
“Don’t call me that! You wouldn’t call Daddy ‘cue ball,’ would you?”
“Oh, Christ no! He’d try to kill me…more than usual…”
“Then you don’t get to call me ‘pumpkin,’ either.”
“Agreed. Lena, it is.”
“And you have to promise never to make fun of my hair. ‘Cause friends don’t do that.”
“Promise.”
“Or Daddy’s hair.”
“Or lack thereof…”
“Was that a promise?”
“Yes, fine. Promise.”
“So…what do you call Daddy?”
“Beautiful…”
“Huh. You’re strange.”
“‘Better to be extraordinary than boring.’”
“Drat. You win.”
“It’s not a game, Lena. There are no winners and losers.”
“Everything has winners and losers!”
“Why don’t you go back to Daddy kissing Santa Claus. That seems safer.”
“Okay! So Daddy told me I had to go to sleep and not bounce on the bed, or else Brainiac would get me again…”
“Lex told you that?”
“Well, duh. Daddy hates secrets!”
“Right, right. Of course, he does. A lot. Pathologically so.”
“He’s such a goof. He thinks I’m scared of Brainiac or something.”
“You’re not?”
“Of course not! Daddy saved me once. He’d save me again.”
“That’s… I’m not sure that’s a healthy attitude…”
“Besides, Brainiac looks like a dork.”
“Or a sane one…”
“Anyways, I heard voices in Daddy’s room, and I thought he was working and it was almost ten o’clock at night!”
“That’s bad?”
“Daddy’s not allowed to work that late. ‘Cause the quarter end earnings reports are the same whether he leaves work at seven or ten.”
“You know this?”
“Well… Mercy helped me make the graphs.”
“I see…”
“So I went to go yell at him.”
“You? Yell at your Dad?”
“All the time. If I don’t he’ll drink lots, listen to depressing music, and quote Aristotle.”
“Terrifying.”
“I know! So when I went to yell at him, I heard someone else in his office.”
“Santa Claus?”
“Yuh-huh. He must’ve landed his sleigh on the balcony ‘cause no one used the elevator. It would’ve been in my daily security brief.”
“You get a-? Never mind. Of course, you do. So, what happened next?”
“I looked through the keyhole, and I saw Santa Claus!”
“You saw Santa Claus?”
“Yuh-huh.”
“How do you know it was Santa Claus?”
“’Cause he was wearing lots of red, silly.”
“Oh, of course. ‘Santa’ had his back turned to you, I’m guessing?”
“And he was wearing all red!”
“Right.”
“So then Santa said he had a present for Daddy.”
“Because he’s Santa, of course…”
“Right! So then he and Daddy hugged and kissed. And then Daddy said that it was the best present he’d ever gotten. Except Santa never even gave him anything!”
“Uh… Lena? How much longer did you spy on your Dad and ‘Santa’ exactly?”
“Only a few more minutes.”
“Oh. Whew.”
“’Cause then Daddy started taking off all Santa’s clothes, and that’s grown-up stuff which is boring.”
“‘Grown-up stuff’?”
“Are you choking? Do you want me to hit you on the back?”
“No. I’m okay. Honest.”
“Are you sure? You’re coughing a lot…”
“I’ll be fine. Now, what on earth has your Dad been telling you about ‘grown-up stuff’?”
“Grown-up stuff! Like tax returns and board meetings and stuff! Bo-ring!”
“Your Dad does tax returns naked? With Santa?”
“Yuh-huh. I went back to bed, because taxes suck.”
“Your Dad really told you that? And you believed him?”
“Daddy loves looking at tax returns. He used to read them to me when I couldn’t fall asleep at night.”
“That’s…”
“Are you laughing at me?”
“No, not at you, I swear.”
“Are you laughing at Daddy?”
“Kind of, yeah.”
“You shouldn’t laugh at Daddy. He has death rays. Unless you’re me. I get to laugh at Daddy all I want.”
“Oh, really?”
“He made radioactive frogs once! I so laughed at him for that.”
“Yeah… So did I.”
“Huh. Then I guess you get to laugh at Daddy too.”
“But only when he’s being silly.”
“Right. Or misquoting Machiavelli.”
“Uh…sure.”
“So you believe me, then? That I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus?”
“I believe that you saw your Dad kissing a man in a red suit.”
“’Cause Mercy didn’t believe it was Santa! She wanted to keep the Kryptonite lasers armed all night!”
“Kryptonite hurts Santa?”
“No, dumb-dumb. It hurts Kryptonians!”
“And Santa’s not a Kryptonian?”
“Of course not!”
“Right. How could I ever have doubted?”
“You’re kind of silly. But nice. I’m glad Daddy’s dating you now.”
“Uh… Thanks?”
“Even if you are a reporter. And an alien.”
“Wait… You know that I’m an alien?”
“Well, duh!”
“I… Uh, look, Lena, I don’t know why you think that, but-”
“’Cause you’re Superman and Superman’s an alien. Daddy said so. Even that Evil Witch Lois said so!”
“I-I’m not Superman…”
“Then why do you look exactly like him?”
“I… Uh… Glasses?”
“Daddy warned me you were a goof.”
“A goof?”
“A goof.”
“Oh, man…”
“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody. Daddy ‘splained how you’ve deluded yourself that other people don’t know you’re Superman.”
“Deluded?”
“It means you think something stupid, even though everyone else knows it’s stupid.”
“And your Dad taught you this?”
“Yup!”
“Oh, brother…”
“But Daddy also said you were really nice. And also that you have a very pretty mouth.”
“He WHAT?!”
“I think he said that ‘cause he was really hoping that I wouldn’t veto you. Although I don’t know what your mouth has to do with it…”
“Wait, back up. Veto me?”
“Yup! Daddy figured out that I can spot crazy dates who are trying to murder him for his money. So I get a chance to veto everyone first.”
“Your Dad lets you do that?”
“’Cause Crystal’s dad married this evil soulless lawyer ‘cause he thought Crystal needed a mommy, but Crystal didn’t want an evil soulless lawyer mommy! So I told Daddy, and he promised me that I could reject any mommy he brought home.”
“That’s so…sweet… In a weird Lex sort of way.”
“’M not gonna reject you, though. Even though you blew up all Daddy’s genetics labs and have been his nuhnemuhses for years.”
“‘Nemesis’.”
“Nuh-muh-”
“Neh.”
“Neh.”
“Muh.”
“Muh.”
“Sis.”
“Sis.”
“Nemesis.”
“Nuhmuhses.”
“Close enough. And thanks for the ringing endorsement.”
“You’re welcome! Does this mean you’re spending Christmas with us?”
“You don’t think Santa would get jealous? Since he and your Dad are such a hot item and all…”
“Daddy didn’t have me meet Santa. He had me meet you. So he and Santa aren’t serious. QED.”
“QED?”
“That’s what you put after you prove you’re right and everybody else is wrong. …Are you laughing at me?”
“No, I promise. I’m laughing at Lex again.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“And, yeah, I’m spending Christmas. I have to give your Dad his ‘present’ after all.”
“I like presents!”
“Yeah, but this one will be boring. Your Dad and I will probably be doing ‘tax returns’ all night.”
“Yuck.”
“Indeed.”
“So when is your Dad getting home? It’s seven now…”
“He’s just hiding in his office. He’ll be up soon.”
“Hiding in his office?”
“’Cause he’s scared that I’ll veto you. He kept saying that you have a really pretty mouth.”
“Oh, God…”
“But I can already tell you’re not going to kill Daddy for his money, so it’s okay.”
“I’m really, really not.”
“You’d better not. Or else I’ll throw Kryptonite down the back of your shirt.”
“You…wouldn’t?”
“I’m a Luthor! Of course, I would.”
“My mistake. Of course.”
“Agreed? You won’t hurt Daddy, and I’ll make sure he stops kissing Santa?”
“Agreed.”
“Merry Christmas, then.”
“To you too, Lena. To you too…”
As I warned, no redeeming value besides cuteness. :P Feedback is always appreciated.
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing: Clark/Lex, Lena
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,600
Spoilers/Warnings: Future, post-Rift fic, so no real spoilers.
Summary: Lena's dad has been kissing Santa Claus...
Notes: Shameless Christmas fluff. :P Thanks to txtequilanights for looking this over.
I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
by Kantayra
“I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus.”
“Mommy.”
“Huh?”
“It’s ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,’ Lena.”
“But…I didn’t see Mommy kissing Santa Claus!”
“It’s a song.”
“Besides, my Mommy was an evil, murderous harpy who tried to kill Daddy for his money.”
“Who told you that?”
“Daddy.”
“When your father gets back from his office, I’m going to have a nice, long talk with him…”
“So I don’t want Mommy to kiss Santa Claus! That would mean Santa Claus is evil and trying to kill Daddy, too! We should activate the perimeter defense system…”
“Lena, sweetie?”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, Christ! Don’t cry, okay? Mommy wasn’t kissing Santa Claus. I promise. Mommy’s banished to a very distant deserted asteroid where she can never try to hurt Daddy and take you away ever again.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“Okay, then. But I still saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus. So…it’s a good thing Mommy wasn’t kissing Santa Claus, too. ‘Cause if Santa Claus was cheating on Daddy, we’d have to use all the anti-aircraft weaponry against Santa’s sleigh. And then I wouldn’t get presents.”
“You’d kill Santa Claus just because he cheated on your Dad?”
“No, but Daddy would.”
“I’m not sure…”
“Oh, you know he would. He’d call it a ‘unilateral investment strategy’ and shoot Santa dead. And then I wouldn’t get any presents!”
“That’s really the part that bothers you most?”
“I like presents!”
“You’re kind of a strange kid, you know that?”
“‘Better to be extraordinary than boring.’”
“Oh, great. Now he’s got you quoting him. This has to count as some sort of child abuse…”
“You’re not here to do an exposé, are you? Daddy warned me about reporters…”
“Oh, believe me. No one would believe you’re real even if I tried to report half this stuff…”
“But Mercy let you into the penthouse. So you must be different from that Evil Witch Lane…”
“Hey! Lois is not-!”
“But you’d still better watch yourself. Daddy’s lawyers will sue you for libel. And Daddy’s lawyers are scary!”
“We’re agreed on that one, pumpkin.”
“Don’t call me that! You wouldn’t call Daddy ‘cue ball,’ would you?”
“Oh, Christ no! He’d try to kill me…more than usual…”
“Then you don’t get to call me ‘pumpkin,’ either.”
“Agreed. Lena, it is.”
“And you have to promise never to make fun of my hair. ‘Cause friends don’t do that.”
“Promise.”
“Or Daddy’s hair.”
“Or lack thereof…”
“Was that a promise?”
“Yes, fine. Promise.”
“So…what do you call Daddy?”
“Beautiful…”
“Huh. You’re strange.”
“‘Better to be extraordinary than boring.’”
“Drat. You win.”
“It’s not a game, Lena. There are no winners and losers.”
“Everything has winners and losers!”
“Why don’t you go back to Daddy kissing Santa Claus. That seems safer.”
“Okay! So Daddy told me I had to go to sleep and not bounce on the bed, or else Brainiac would get me again…”
“Lex told you that?”
“Well, duh. Daddy hates secrets!”
“Right, right. Of course, he does. A lot. Pathologically so.”
“He’s such a goof. He thinks I’m scared of Brainiac or something.”
“You’re not?”
“Of course not! Daddy saved me once. He’d save me again.”
“That’s… I’m not sure that’s a healthy attitude…”
“Besides, Brainiac looks like a dork.”
“Or a sane one…”
“Anyways, I heard voices in Daddy’s room, and I thought he was working and it was almost ten o’clock at night!”
“That’s bad?”
“Daddy’s not allowed to work that late. ‘Cause the quarter end earnings reports are the same whether he leaves work at seven or ten.”
“You know this?”
“Well… Mercy helped me make the graphs.”
“I see…”
“So I went to go yell at him.”
“You? Yell at your Dad?”
“All the time. If I don’t he’ll drink lots, listen to depressing music, and quote Aristotle.”
“Terrifying.”
“I know! So when I went to yell at him, I heard someone else in his office.”
“Santa Claus?”
“Yuh-huh. He must’ve landed his sleigh on the balcony ‘cause no one used the elevator. It would’ve been in my daily security brief.”
“You get a-? Never mind. Of course, you do. So, what happened next?”
“I looked through the keyhole, and I saw Santa Claus!”
“You saw Santa Claus?”
“Yuh-huh.”
“How do you know it was Santa Claus?”
“’Cause he was wearing lots of red, silly.”
“Oh, of course. ‘Santa’ had his back turned to you, I’m guessing?”
“And he was wearing all red!”
“Right.”
“So then Santa said he had a present for Daddy.”
“Because he’s Santa, of course…”
“Right! So then he and Daddy hugged and kissed. And then Daddy said that it was the best present he’d ever gotten. Except Santa never even gave him anything!”
“Uh… Lena? How much longer did you spy on your Dad and ‘Santa’ exactly?”
“Only a few more minutes.”
“Oh. Whew.”
“’Cause then Daddy started taking off all Santa’s clothes, and that’s grown-up stuff which is boring.”
“‘Grown-up stuff’?”
“Are you choking? Do you want me to hit you on the back?”
“No. I’m okay. Honest.”
“Are you sure? You’re coughing a lot…”
“I’ll be fine. Now, what on earth has your Dad been telling you about ‘grown-up stuff’?”
“Grown-up stuff! Like tax returns and board meetings and stuff! Bo-ring!”
“Your Dad does tax returns naked? With Santa?”
“Yuh-huh. I went back to bed, because taxes suck.”
“Your Dad really told you that? And you believed him?”
“Daddy loves looking at tax returns. He used to read them to me when I couldn’t fall asleep at night.”
“That’s…”
“Are you laughing at me?”
“No, not at you, I swear.”
“Are you laughing at Daddy?”
“Kind of, yeah.”
“You shouldn’t laugh at Daddy. He has death rays. Unless you’re me. I get to laugh at Daddy all I want.”
“Oh, really?”
“He made radioactive frogs once! I so laughed at him for that.”
“Yeah… So did I.”
“Huh. Then I guess you get to laugh at Daddy too.”
“But only when he’s being silly.”
“Right. Or misquoting Machiavelli.”
“Uh…sure.”
“So you believe me, then? That I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus?”
“I believe that you saw your Dad kissing a man in a red suit.”
“’Cause Mercy didn’t believe it was Santa! She wanted to keep the Kryptonite lasers armed all night!”
“Kryptonite hurts Santa?”
“No, dumb-dumb. It hurts Kryptonians!”
“And Santa’s not a Kryptonian?”
“Of course not!”
“Right. How could I ever have doubted?”
“You’re kind of silly. But nice. I’m glad Daddy’s dating you now.”
“Uh… Thanks?”
“Even if you are a reporter. And an alien.”
“Wait… You know that I’m an alien?”
“Well, duh!”
“I… Uh, look, Lena, I don’t know why you think that, but-”
“’Cause you’re Superman and Superman’s an alien. Daddy said so. Even that Evil Witch Lois said so!”
“I-I’m not Superman…”
“Then why do you look exactly like him?”
“I… Uh… Glasses?”
“Daddy warned me you were a goof.”
“A goof?”
“A goof.”
“Oh, man…”
“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody. Daddy ‘splained how you’ve deluded yourself that other people don’t know you’re Superman.”
“Deluded?”
“It means you think something stupid, even though everyone else knows it’s stupid.”
“And your Dad taught you this?”
“Yup!”
“Oh, brother…”
“But Daddy also said you were really nice. And also that you have a very pretty mouth.”
“He WHAT?!”
“I think he said that ‘cause he was really hoping that I wouldn’t veto you. Although I don’t know what your mouth has to do with it…”
“Wait, back up. Veto me?”
“Yup! Daddy figured out that I can spot crazy dates who are trying to murder him for his money. So I get a chance to veto everyone first.”
“Your Dad lets you do that?”
“’Cause Crystal’s dad married this evil soulless lawyer ‘cause he thought Crystal needed a mommy, but Crystal didn’t want an evil soulless lawyer mommy! So I told Daddy, and he promised me that I could reject any mommy he brought home.”
“That’s so…sweet… In a weird Lex sort of way.”
“’M not gonna reject you, though. Even though you blew up all Daddy’s genetics labs and have been his nuhnemuhses for years.”
“‘Nemesis’.”
“Nuh-muh-”
“Neh.”
“Neh.”
“Muh.”
“Muh.”
“Sis.”
“Sis.”
“Nemesis.”
“Nuhmuhses.”
“Close enough. And thanks for the ringing endorsement.”
“You’re welcome! Does this mean you’re spending Christmas with us?”
“You don’t think Santa would get jealous? Since he and your Dad are such a hot item and all…”
“Daddy didn’t have me meet Santa. He had me meet you. So he and Santa aren’t serious. QED.”
“QED?”
“That’s what you put after you prove you’re right and everybody else is wrong. …Are you laughing at me?”
“No, I promise. I’m laughing at Lex again.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“And, yeah, I’m spending Christmas. I have to give your Dad his ‘present’ after all.”
“I like presents!”
“Yeah, but this one will be boring. Your Dad and I will probably be doing ‘tax returns’ all night.”
“Yuck.”
“Indeed.”
“So when is your Dad getting home? It’s seven now…”
“He’s just hiding in his office. He’ll be up soon.”
“Hiding in his office?”
“’Cause he’s scared that I’ll veto you. He kept saying that you have a really pretty mouth.”
“Oh, God…”
“But I can already tell you’re not going to kill Daddy for his money, so it’s okay.”
“I’m really, really not.”
“You’d better not. Or else I’ll throw Kryptonite down the back of your shirt.”
“You…wouldn’t?”
“I’m a Luthor! Of course, I would.”
“My mistake. Of course.”
“Agreed? You won’t hurt Daddy, and I’ll make sure he stops kissing Santa?”
“Agreed.”
“Merry Christmas, then.”
“To you too, Lena. To you too…”
As I warned, no redeeming value besides cuteness. :P Feedback is always appreciated.