Lights [GRI]
Title: Lights
Pairing: G-Dragon/Seungri
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own members of Big Bang!
Warning: Major character death, slight dubcon, buckets of angst
Summary: Jiyong and Seungri find and lose each other time and again over the years.
I apologise in advance to those of you who will wonder 'okay, but what about the army service?!'. The answer is, I don't know. It baffles me to even think how they're going to organise this not to mention that the whole system might even change in a couple of years. So for the sake of convenience more than anything, this issue got ignored in this story, I'm sorry if it's too unrealistic. I hope you can still give it a shot.
....
december 2017, new york.
Winter is not a good season for engagement parties, everyone is going to be cold and dissatisfied, nothing about winter is romantic. Then again he was probably just feeling bitter and spiteful and besides there was no way for it to be a garden party anyway. Blinding lights of an expensive hotel, celebrative clinking of wine glasses, champagne glasses, little whiskey glasses. He knows exactly how much alcohol he is going to need to stomach it at all and after he successfully got drunk, he'd have a perfectly reasonable excuse not to keep a cheerful smile on his face like a mask that didn't quite fit round the edges. With any luck he'd manage to be sick and throw up and then perhaps Youngbae would pat his back and make him sit in a chair and not move. Youngbae would be worried but not too much, he'd be mostly slightly angry with him for getting so drunk at his hyung's party when he should be in good shape. If he talked back, Youngbae would get a bit angrier.
But exactly as Youngbae's voice would get a slightly harsh edge to it, Jiyong would magically appear and shoo him away, don't shout at the magnae. Then he'd get him water and look at him with happy eyes, because really, he was supposed to be at his happiest right then.
And Seungri would, he would really try not to, but he knew he was going to say, 'I'm really happy for you, hyung.'
I hate you, goodbye, I never loved you, those are the kinds of things people scream at each other when they break each other's hearts but it doesn't work like that at all.
In fact, Seungri could predict with a good level of certainty the exact words that were going to break his heart for one final time.
'Thanks for saying that. You know you've always been my favourite, magnae.'
Seungri leans against the railing and finally remembers to breathe properly. His feet grow cold but he can't bring himself to move, step away from the city lights and inside the hotel room. There really is no point in catching a cold, even though he's basically finished with all the work in the studio. He just doesn't care all that much and that realisation hits him even though it shouldn't come as a surprise.
Still, he doesn't like sulking so he eventually retreats into the room and decides to force himself to get some sleep.
He knocks over a half-emptied can of beer and the liquid seeps into the expensive carpet.
'Here's to a happy 2018' he says and plops onto the bed, not finding enough motivation to actually clean up the mess.
But then his time runs out in 2018.
august 2014, taiwan
'Why is this country so fucking humid,' Seunghyun complains for what feels like the fifth time in the past hour. Even he is forced to abandon his jacket and settle for a thin (long-sleeved) shirt. 'It's too thin,' he said eyeing it begrudgingly and glaring at Daesung who laughed at his rather serious predicament. Don't laugh Daesungie, you are fine just skipping the shirt part altogether.' which was supposed to sound like a threat and ended up as a compliment, like every time Seunghyun tried to scold Daesung. He is so biased, Seungri thinks munching on his kimbap.
He's shed much of his clothing too, taking advantage of the fact that the fangirls are not only kept outside but at a good distance from the building and no one can snap a photo of him half-naked. Not that he actually minds, but half-naked photos can be photoshopped in various imaginative ways and he doesn't need another scandal.
The funny thing is that he's mostly worried about Jiyong whenever he's on the verge of screwing up. For better or worse, Seungri seems to be held to a different standard, almost as if the public eye is more forgiving to him, this friendly blabbermouth who is talented, yes, but also human. A long time has passed and he is no longer the expendable extra in Big Bang, he has a solo career and while he is more well-known for his variety skills, his new solo album has been charting high. Jiyong was proud of him and while it makes Seungri happy when Jiyong is proud of him, it's also horribly painful for some reason. He wants to shake Jiyong, what else do you need? You love me
already, I do my best for you.
Seungri forces himself to stop thinking about this. Daesung is still bickering with Seunghyun like the old married couple they are and Seungri tries not to think of the one time when he caught them in the corridor at a party, Daesung drunk and crying and Seunghyun desperately trying to distract him, which ended in a kiss.
Truth to be told, it was not as quick and simple but Seungri still feels guilty for having stared at something that decidedly was not meant for his eyes. But he did watch, and in the end what
shook him the most was not the very fact that his hyungs were apparently getting it on in some way or another but how much he wanted that for himself. That is magnificent, his heart shouted at him, so it is possible after all.
But that was a few months ago and Seungri has no way of telling whether the two of them are going out, have decided to go back to being friends, are pursuing the tricky delights of the fuck-buddies system or have just not mentioned it at all. Nothing has changed outwardly so he doesn't ask.
Jiyong appears in the distance, visibly trying to politely argue with a PD through a distressed-looking interpreter. Jiyong looks ready to snap and the interpreter is making puppy eyes at him. Seungri waits it out and walks up to Jiyong when he's left alone. He doesn't say anything and gives him a bottle of water instead, Jiyong gulping down half of it in one go.
'They can be so unreasonable, Seunghyun-ah. I don't understand Taiwanese variety.' Jiyong rambles and hands him the bottle. Then he looks Seungri over and smirks a bit which soon turns into a laugh, as if something funny has just occurred to him.
'What is it, hyung?' Seungri can't help but ask and Jiyong pats him on the shoulder.
'No, nothing. We'll be even better off when you'll have learned Mandarin.' Jiyong says.
'So far I can barely introduce myself, hyung.' Seungri frowns and wonders whether he missed some kind of an order from above.
'Because you're not interested in it. Once you are, you'll kick ass at it in no time.' Jiyong cracks him another smile before his face turns dark again, spotting the PD from before coming back with another show-runner in tow.
Seungri lets him get back to the argument trying to ignore the sudden urge to purchase a Mandarin study book.
Whether it's pathetic or not, nothing hurt him more than Jiyong's disappointment and motivated him more than Jiyong's belief in him.
october 2015, london
Seungri feels giddy and pleased, browsing through the department store's aisles in unfamiliar anonymity. He's taken extra steps to make himself look a bit ridiculous and decidedly uncool to assure that no one would bother him. So far he's succeeded and purchased an unholy amount of things, slowly making his way through the entire length of Oxford Street.
His original goal was to find something nice for Suyeon, who deserves fancy things for having lasted five months in a relationship with him. He wonders briefly if this is inappropriate, because what he's doing is not early Christmas and New Year's shopping but hunting for goodbye gifts and he shouldn't feel so light and relieved.
It's not as if he really dislikes Suyeon, it's actually the opposite. He's come to like her enough to decide to stop stringing her along for company and sex. She is a wonderful girl, he thinks, making his way through blinding jewellery and bottles of perfume, she deserves better.
'You just don't love me enough,' she'll say and Seungri's heart feels heavy for a moment because if he values her at all, he's going to have to nod to that.
The sky outside is an unpleasant shade of grey and it's raining but not enough for people to actually take their umbrellas out. Seungri tries to be a brave Londoner but just as the rain becomes heavier and people still ignore it, he stares at them incredulously and shifts his bags to grab his own umbrella.
He still remembers the first time he walked this street with shopping bags in his hands, only half of them his own and the other half belonging to Jiyong who unceremoniously pushed them into Seungri's arms to free his own hands. Seungri couldn't bring himself to be annoyed watching him virtually jump up and down excitedly.
Jiyong's eyes were glued to something original and/or shocking that he saw on the display window.
'Hyung,' Seungri ventured dubiously 'Just because it's from London doesn't make it amazing.' He was obviously ignored for a good minute but then Jiyong turned to look at him and smiled.
'You really do speak your mind now, huh.' Jiyong smiled more and something heartbreaking flashed in his eyes. Seungri's breath caught when Jiyong reached out his hand to take some of the bags he'd made him carry.
It couldn't have been an accident when Jiyong hooked his pinky around Seungri's and they couldn't quite find a reason to move for a moment. Seungri failed to pretend to stare at the display, fixing his eyes on Jiyong's face, always too familiar and too dear.
Seungri can't remember how the weather was on that day, but it doesn't matter as much. It's raining now.
may 2016, seoul
'So,' Seunghyun says pouring him another glass of wine 'I assume everyone else is dumb or polite but you can have a heart-to-heart with me.'
Seungri doesn't want a heart-to-heart. He wants to climb under the covers of Seunghyun's expensive-looking bed and be left alone to feel miserable. But he can't say that of course, hyung, I'm more interested in your bed right now.
He doesn't even attempt to divert Seunghyun's attention because it's clearly destined to end in failure. He just downs the alcohol, for some reason still unable to get really drunk.
'Seunghyun-ah. Have you ever told him?'
Seunghyun's eyes are piercing but warm and Seungri feels his shoulders hunch. 'There's no way I could tell him without ruining everything, hyung.' he manages finally and Seunghyun doesn't argue with that.
'Sometimes it's worth to have something for a while, even if it doesn't last long,' he offers carefully and Seungri wonders if he's talking from experience, if he means Daesung.
'Doesn't it hurt more?' he asks in a low voice and searches Seunghyun's eyes. He doesn't look down.
'It does. But you have the knowledge that at some point you've had that.' Seunghyun says and re-organises his face into a more light-hearted expression. He's not the type to spout sentimental nonsense and Seungri's grateful for that.
Seungri laughs a little and props his chin on the table, looking at the glass and going a bit cross-eyed in the process.
'That's not the point. Both parties need to be interested.' he mutters and Seunghyun sighs.
Neither of them really understands Jiyong after all.
'It's fine, hyung, really. I just don't wanna lose him.'
'You're not going to,' Seunghyun says gently and gets up to take the wine away. He'll be back with food and a DVD, because no matter how often he bails out on group outings, Seungri knows that he'd never shut the door when he really needed him.
january 2018, tokyo
The taxi passes through Shinjuku and stops at the traffic lights. Seungri feels as if the whole world ceased to spin around, there is only the enclosed space inside the taxi where two men sit apart and stare out of two opposite windows. The silence enveloping them is suffocating, Seungri counts his heartbeats and can almost hear every laboured breath Jiyong takes.
It never takes much to destroy years and years of happiness with a single wrong word and Seungri thinks it so unfair he wants to cry. But somehow, Jiyong has more of a right to cry now, although Seungri is sure he won't.
They make it to the hotel, awkwardly stomping their feet. Only five hours ago it was a very fine idea to share a room, share jokes, share the truth.
Seungri has taken the last part a bit too far and he literally has no idea where to go from here. Jiyong makes the decision for him, as he always does in the times of crisis.
He opens the door, walks into the room first and proceeds to take a shower that Seungri is sure lasts a couple of hours. When Seungri wordlessly passes him by on the way to the morbidly luxurious bathroom, Jiyong pointedly looks at the floor instead and Seungri has never been in a more awkward situation in his life.
He is sure he experiences enlightenment under the stream of hot water but all his courage dissipates when confronted with a Jiyong who is sitting on the bed pensively, ready to talk about it.
Seungri doesn't want to talk about it.
He decides that it's best to get it over with as soon as possible so he starts: 'Hyung. I know what it looks like. But it wasn't my intention to confuse you. To spoil your happiness. I, um,' he stalls for a second and just takes a shot at being honest 'just couldn't hold it in any longer. I'm sorry.'
Jiyong's eyes are closed and when he opens them, the heartbreak is the only thing visible to Seungri.
'I don't know what to say right now. I really don't,' Jiyong finally says and it makes sense while also being inexplicably disappointing. 'And I should be apologising instead.'
He looks genuinely regretful and Seungri's heart clenches. That is the very root of their problem. If only Jiyong didn't love him this much.
'I shouldn't really say anything, I'm getting married you know.' Jiyong begins out of nowhere and it takes Seungri a good minute to understand where this is going. He tries to accumulate all of his willpower in one place.
'But right now, there's nothing I want more than to make you feel better' Jiyong continues and his voice is tight, his eyes pleading forgiveness and Seungri just wants to hit him in despair. Jiyong stands up and walks up to where Seungri's sitting, hovering above him before his hand finds Seungri's neck and Jiyong pulls him close, so that Seungri's face is buried in his chest. Seungri isn't sure whether this is supposed to be heaven or hell or maybe both at the same time but Jiyong's free hand is stroking his hair and it shouldn't feel that good. He wonders if this is the last time he can have it, all of it.
Seungri is only human so in one swift motion he wraps both of his arms around Jiyong's waist, crushes him in an embrace and Jiyong brings his face to rest on top of Seungri's hair.
'Hyung, I know my hair smells nice but you have to breathe.' Seungri says levelly and at last Jiyong laughs a little against his hair and for a second Seungri can pretend that everything is okay. Jiyong pulls away a little and he looks entirely too unguarded so Seungri takes advantage of this momentary distraction to pull him down until they're kissing.
The moment their lips touch Jiyong makes a little surprised noise at the back of his throat but kisses him back nonetheless. It's not very passionate but neither is it devoid of emotion, it's smooth and warm and everything he wants. He remembers Seunghyun's words briefly.
He doesn't know yet whether this will turn out to be a good decision but now he'll have rather had that kiss.
They break apart and Jiyong waits for him to say something but Seungri doesn't. He's not strong enough to so he just pulls away completely until Jiyong gets it and moves back to his own bed. They can't hold each other's gaze for long, so after a while they turn off the lights and resign to pretending they're trying to sleep.
'Seunghyun-ah,' Jiyong's voice drifts to him and sends a shiver down his spine. Somehow it feels different to hear his own name escape Jiyong's lips, now that he knows how they taste like.
'I know this is selfish, but please don't escape from my life. This might be not what I should be saying or what you want to hear, but I don't want to live without you.'
Jiyong's voice is choked so Seungri cries in his stead.
.
Two weeks later they're not really talking and everyone thinks they're having a fight.
Three weeks later the situation remains unchanged but Daesung turns up in the practice room pale and asks whether Jiyong has consulted breaking off the engagement with any of them.
june 2013, las vegas
Youngbae seems pissed off, for a good reason too, and Seungri braces himself to face the oncoming storm.
'I can't fucking believe this,' he spits out and looks ready to rip his hair out. 'I mean, this is literally the last thing we need. I am so angry right now.'
Seungri can obviously see this but chooses not to comment.
'I can't face him right now. The shitstorm, Seunghyun-ah. Just imagine the fucking shitstorm.' Youngbae is pacing around the hotel suite and and clearly doesn't know how to contain himself. 'People are never going to forgive him, not since his last scandal. This is a disaster.'
'Hyung, the PR team are not the same people you used to know. Hyenas are out to get us but they'll be torn to shreds. This isn't making it to the press.' Seungri says tiredly and really hopes that it sounds reassuring.
He is interrupted by someone knocking on the door and Youngbae is soon being made to sit on the sofa by an equally distressed Jiyong. Youngbae clearly loses his steam and minimises the usage of swear words. Scandals are still a touchy subject to address in front of Jiyong.
'So,' Jiyong says, looking at Youngbae 'There is nothing we can do so I suggest we all sit the hell down and let the company do what they have to do.'
Seungri finds himself looking blankly at the wall, not even feeling particularly alert or worried. The shock value of the entire thing is just a bit too much to process smoothly.
'You okay, magnae?' Jiyong asks more sharply than he wanted to, because he clears his throat and cracks a little smile a second after that.
There is nothing funny about this.
'I hope this will be a lesson to all of us. Kissing only takes place in private. As in, zero chances of being caught on photos. Make this double as strict when you feel you want to kiss a man.' he says levelly, but he's frowning, as if it has just hit him.
'I didn't even know Daesungie liked to kiss men.' Youngbae says miserably.
'Everyone tried it, Youngbae,' Jiyong cuts impatiently and that earns him stunned looks from both Youngbae and Seungri.
Seungri finds it ridiculous how much he wants Jiyong to say more on the subject but Jiyong looks a bit embarrassed by Youngbae's disapproving look.
'Look,' Youngbae says after a minute 'I don't care. It's not who he kissed that bothers me, it's the fact that he got caught.'
He looks down at his hands and clenches them awkwardly. 'I'm worried what happens if they get to him.' he adds.
Jiyong's expressions is gentler now and he pats Youngbae on the shoulder. 'They won't get to him. Gotta keep the secret safe, right?' he laughs and Seungri is surprised by how hollow it sounds.
july 2016, seoul
'You know,' Jiyong slurs clinking their glasses together 'I don't even understand why this is happening at all.'
Seungri eyes him up and down nervously. At least they're drinking in his own apartment because this is not going to end well at all. In fact, it's been a long time since he last saw Jiyong get so terribly drunk.
'It's not like I want all my relationships to end on a bad note. I can never seem to keep 'em going in the right direction' he complains between sips of whiskey. His lips are wet and shiny and Seungri suddenly congratulates himself on not having drunk that much himself.
'I've decided that it's because love always dies at some point. There is no love that's forever, y'know.' Jiyong exclaims and hiccups and then for some reason grabs Seungri's hand and puts it on the table in front of himself, palm upwards. He manages to look both absent-minded and thoughtful at the same time, and the tips of his fingers barely touch Seungri's hand, tracing nonsensical patterns along his skin. Seungri keeps his mouth shut but there is one thousand things he wants to say.
'I think,' he starts, staring fixedly at his own hand 'that some loves are forever.'
Jiyong's head snaps up and his blank expression gives way to warmth.
'That's what everyone wants to be told, isn't it?' he says gently and squeezes Seungri's hand before releasing it. He's still smiling though and Seungri starts to smile back despite himself.
'But it's true, hyung.' he adds and it sounds a bit too serious this time because Jiyong gives him an unreadable look. He opens his mouth but ends up saying nothing and just pours himself another drink.
Jiyong doesn't seem drunk anymore.
march 2018, new york/seoul
Seungri is scheduled to come back to Seoul the day after tomorrow after putting finishing touches on his new solo album. He's not going to put it out right now though since they'll get to release a new album as a group for the first time in two years. Things have been going very well for them and everyone has been immersed in solo activities but after listening to new songs Seungri feels that they still have it, as five.
Not to mention that working on the recording has given him an excuse to interact with Jiyong again and sometimes he wonders whether Jiyong really needs to call him that often to discuss something or order him to re-record a particular part of a song five times.
After weeks of waiting it's clear that Jiyong still doesn't know what to say and Seungri understands that he'll have to lose in this situation. Jiyong wants to wait it out, not to confront it, and after all what could they possibly do? They can't really live without each other, and as unhealthy as it is, Seungri doesn't want to break away completely.
He's looking out the window when his mobile rings and he picks it up before looking at the caller. Jiyong's voice is clear and reverberates in his heart.
'I wanted you to know that we have two songs ready. You won't need to re-record it again.' Jiyong says by way of saying hello and Seungri mumbles a 'that's great'. He's waiting, because this is not the reason Jiyong's calling him at this hour.
'Seunghyun-ah.'
Seungri closes his eyes and waits, either for a blow or words of closure, whichever comes first.
'Can we talk after you get back?' and it's not what Seungri expected. He blinks and nods, then remembers that Jiyong can't possibly see that.
'Of course.' he says, somehow forgetting to add honorifics and Jiyong doesn't scold him.
.
They get to talk later, after Jiyong's done kissing him senseless after Seungri's taken one step inside the apartment. It takes him a moment to recover, because it's out of character and therefore worrying. He looks into Jiyong's eyes but he's on guard, careful not to communicate more than he wants to.
'What is this, hyung?' Seungri asks and it comes out a bit tired. It's better than sounding hopeful and desperate which is his real state of mind.
'This is me asking you to give me a chance.' Jiyong says and Seungri doesn't believe him at all. Jiyong notices that and isn't surprised which adds to Seungri's suspicions.
'I don't know how to say it in a different way. I don't know if I'll end up breaking your heart or you'll break mine but don't you wanna try?'
Seungri wants to ask him more questions, are you doing this out of pity, why did you break up with her, did you love her, do you love me more, how do you love me?
But it doesn't seem to be the right place or time and is it really that important? It doesn't make a pretty picture and seems far from healthy but what they have has never been the definition of a healthy relationship.
He remembers himself sitting at the table across from Seunghyun and being brave, selfless and so, so stupid. He chooses to believe that Jiyong respects him enough not to make such an offer out of pity.
'I really don't know what it is, Seunghyun-ah.' Jiyong says, pulling him into a hug that still feels more a friend's than a lover's 'But I've never lied to you. I do love you a lot.'
Seungri's throat feels tight and he wraps his arms around Jiyong.
21st of november 2018, seoul
'You guys are disgusting,' Seunghyun says politely, shuffling around his wine cabinet and trying to hide a smile. Youngbae shoots him a questioning look before he follows his line of sight and catches Jiyong with his usual goofy grin taking pictures of Seungri in a party hat. Youngbae snorts and goes back to his task of rescuing cookies from the table for Daesung, who might be late, yes, but it doesn't mean he deserves no cookies.
Jiyong stabs at his phone that looks as expensive as it probably is, in an attempt to decorate the pictures with little hearts and sparkles.
Seungri laughs at them a little and he feels too content to protest. He really hopes he's not giving Jiyong adoring looks because that's just embarrassing but then again Youngbae told him to quit worrying about it, fans have been taking apart the intricacies of nyongtory's Hopelessly-in-Love looks before you were even legally an adult.
Most fans would probably be less than happy if they knew that the loving looks stopped being as innocent but it can't hurt them if they don't know.
Seungri hasn't really stopped questioning his own life choices because it's not an easy ride, but he's happy. Even though Jiyong still can't figure out how to treat him sometimes, caught between being strictly friends and spoiling him like a princess that Seungri tries to stress he's not.
Jiyong sometimes forgets that he's supposed to be affectionate not just when it suits him, but when Seungri needs it too. Above all, Seungri's still not sure whether Jiyong's motives were romantic at all, whether he just loves Seungri too much not to want to make him the happiest he can.
But Seungri is not going to ruin this by doubting his every step. At the very least, Jiyong is certainly not repulsed by the idea of having sex with another man. Good for you man, Seungri congratulates himself as a particularly delicious image of Jiyong being rather overwhelmed beneath him, his hands gripping Seungri's shoulders and still trying to command him even then.
Seungri licks his lips and feels eighteen again, until he catches Seunghyun's look. That man can obviously read other people's thoughts, Seungri bemoans and calls back another obscene mental image, just to see if Seunghyun's expression changes at all.
Daesung chooses this very moment to appear, putting three bags of food and alcohol on the table as a way of apologising for being late. Seunghyun frowns a little and Daesung tells him off, even before Seunghyun gets the chance to voice his complains: 'Yes hyung, this is an abomination and an insult to your wine collection. Some people like beer, okay?'
Jiyong loses it when he sees Seunghyun's face and for a moment they all indulge in operation let's-bully-Seunghyun-now.
Seungri thinks that feeling mostly happy is the best way to feel.
.
Seungri and Jiyong get into the taxi together, and Seungri remembers another night when they were rushing through the streets of Tokyo in the dead of the night. But everything is different now, they're both looking out of the same window and Jiyong is pressed against him.
His head lulls back until it drops on Jiyong's shoulder and he doesn't care if he's drooling a bit on Jiyong's jacket.
He's jerked wide awake by a horrified cry of 'Seunghyun-ah!' and when he opens his eyes he sees blinding lights before he's pulled down against his will and the world goes black.
22nd of november 2018, seoul
He opens his eyes to an unfamiliar white ceiling and it takes him two whole minutes to piece everything together. If this is a hospital, they must have had an accident but he can't tell how serious it was.
He can move his legs but his insides feel like they've been chewed out and put back in the wrong place. He looks down his body and sees more than feels that he's bandaged up like a caricature of a mummy. He looks around trying to find Jiyong but this looks like a VIP version of a hospital room, all for himself. He doesn't like how it sounds in his head.
The door opens slowly and he closes his eyes instinctively. He doesn't even understand why, but he feels it'll be better to block out whatever comes through it.
But the silence gets longer and longer until he has no choice but to open his eyes.
He sees Youngbae's face and his heart sinks.
.
At three in the afternoon Seunghyun makes his way into his room, Daesung having left after an hour of just sitting there and clutching his uninjured hand. Neither could really look the other in the eye and there was nothing to be said.
Seunghyun doesn't look at him either, but a strangled sound resembling 'Seunghyun-ah' forces its way past his lips. He clears his throat and tries again.
'Seunghyun-ah.'
Seungri feels his eyes start to burn but he tries to hold on. Then he unfortunately ends up catching Seunghyun's look and his breath catches. He understands that it'd be too selfish to demand reassuring lies at this point because right now, all three of them are too busy being relieved that he's alive and Seungri cuts through the thought before it's fully formed. He doesn't want to think about it. He has all the time in the world to pretend he's coming to terms with it.
'You might not care but he'd be glad to see you alive, Seunghyun-ah' he finishes and his mask slips a tiny bit. The raw pain in his eyes is too much to take so Seungri blurs his vision with tears.
'I know.' he replies, voice rough.
25th of December, 2018
It'd be easier if Jiyong's mother blamed him. It'd be more acceptable if anyone at all told him that they hated him, he should have died instead, why would a person like Jiyong lose his life so that someone like Seungri could live? But no one said that and each time he finally found a hate message on the internet someone snatched the laptop away. He wasn't even allowed to be by himself most of the time, undoubtedly because no one trusted him not to do something stupid.
That was the most ridiculous assumption ever. He would not throw away the life that Jiyong gave him (took away).
It'd just be more bearable if he knew for a fact that there was someone out there in the world that hated him more than himself.
.
As soon as he is released from the hospital he insists on taking some of his things from the apartment to take to his parents' house.
'I'll leave you to it,' his mother offers awkwardly and is kind enough to retreat to the car.
Seungri should have known better than to come back here so early but there was no better punishment for now.
He could see Jiyong literally everywhere, sipping his morning coffee and batting him away in irritation because it was too early, sprawled on the sofa and trying to stab him with his feet until Seungri complained about his smelly socks, attempting to cook him a sophisticated dinner (I'll be a good housewife today so you cook tomorrow!) and getting kimbap in the end, stomping his feet like a child in front of a whole room full of clothes because he couldn't decided what to wear, randomly working out in the middle of the living room and not protesting when Seungri was a bit too tempted by his shirt riding up at every movement and pushed him onto the floor.
He could hear Jiyong's voice, humming a song that wasn't recorded yet, tapping a rhythm that was perhaps meant for Big Bang's next album, Big Bang that did go out with a bang. Music has always enveloped Jiyong but Seungri hasn't listened to his voice in weeks. He doesn't know how Youngbae manages to spend days listening to Jiyong's songs but perhaps that kind of shock therapy was the best route.
Then again Youngbae would never get over Jiyong either.
.
Seungri picks up little things that he's come back for but he can't find his heart anywhere.
31st of December, 2020
Seungri laughs into his phone as he quickly notes down all the details. He has a feeling that working with that director is going to bring a good music video. It's been half a year since he was all but pushed in the direction of the recording studio. He insisted that he didn't want to go back into the promotions cycle yet but to no avail.
'You don't have to promote. Just go record something, keep busy.' Daesung said so he listened to him.
Being half as sociable as before was already tiring enough but he knows he needs to network again. He needs to congratulate himself on not turning into an alcoholic, a drug addict, a shut-in. He's living presentably, he's doing well. He's also trying to apply Seunghyun's advice to his life, don't just live only because you feel you owe it to Jiyong.
So far no progress has been made on that account but Seungri will try harder.
He's trying to reason with himself, he will probably have a long, fulfilling life so he can try to be happy without thinking about Jiyong every day.
He'll have to try a lot harder to succeed at that, too.
He walks out the back door of the studio to grab a coffee but mostly just to take a breather. The streets are still sparkling with a thin layer of snow and he looks over the shops bustling with people.
On his way back he spots a couple in front of a display window, they soon walk away and three girls crowd in front of it instead. People keep coming and going and somehow in the dazzle of it, he thinks he can see himself and Jiyong, holding onto a ridiculous amount of bags and holding onto each other.
No one could ever understand what we had, Seungri thinks and his fingers flex. There's nothing but air for him to grab so he tears his eyes away from the street across, where he's with Jiyong, where he wants to stay forever.
He turns back and starts walking to the studio.
Hyung
Can you still hear me?
Jiyong
Pairing: G-Dragon/Seungri
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own members of Big Bang!
Warning: Major character death, slight dubcon, buckets of angst
Summary: Jiyong and Seungri find and lose each other time and again over the years.
I apologise in advance to those of you who will wonder 'okay, but what about the army service?!'. The answer is, I don't know. It baffles me to even think how they're going to organise this not to mention that the whole system might even change in a couple of years. So for the sake of convenience more than anything, this issue got ignored in this story, I'm sorry if it's too unrealistic. I hope you can still give it a shot.
....
december 2017, new york.
Winter is not a good season for engagement parties, everyone is going to be cold and dissatisfied, nothing about winter is romantic. Then again he was probably just feeling bitter and spiteful and besides there was no way for it to be a garden party anyway. Blinding lights of an expensive hotel, celebrative clinking of wine glasses, champagne glasses, little whiskey glasses. He knows exactly how much alcohol he is going to need to stomach it at all and after he successfully got drunk, he'd have a perfectly reasonable excuse not to keep a cheerful smile on his face like a mask that didn't quite fit round the edges. With any luck he'd manage to be sick and throw up and then perhaps Youngbae would pat his back and make him sit in a chair and not move. Youngbae would be worried but not too much, he'd be mostly slightly angry with him for getting so drunk at his hyung's party when he should be in good shape. If he talked back, Youngbae would get a bit angrier.
But exactly as Youngbae's voice would get a slightly harsh edge to it, Jiyong would magically appear and shoo him away, don't shout at the magnae. Then he'd get him water and look at him with happy eyes, because really, he was supposed to be at his happiest right then.
And Seungri would, he would really try not to, but he knew he was going to say, 'I'm really happy for you, hyung.'
I hate you, goodbye, I never loved you, those are the kinds of things people scream at each other when they break each other's hearts but it doesn't work like that at all.
In fact, Seungri could predict with a good level of certainty the exact words that were going to break his heart for one final time.
'Thanks for saying that. You know you've always been my favourite, magnae.'
Seungri leans against the railing and finally remembers to breathe properly. His feet grow cold but he can't bring himself to move, step away from the city lights and inside the hotel room. There really is no point in catching a cold, even though he's basically finished with all the work in the studio. He just doesn't care all that much and that realisation hits him even though it shouldn't come as a surprise.
Still, he doesn't like sulking so he eventually retreats into the room and decides to force himself to get some sleep.
He knocks over a half-emptied can of beer and the liquid seeps into the expensive carpet.
'Here's to a happy 2018' he says and plops onto the bed, not finding enough motivation to actually clean up the mess.
But then his time runs out in 2018.
august 2014, taiwan
'Why is this country so fucking humid,' Seunghyun complains for what feels like the fifth time in the past hour. Even he is forced to abandon his jacket and settle for a thin (long-sleeved) shirt. 'It's too thin,' he said eyeing it begrudgingly and glaring at Daesung who laughed at his rather serious predicament. Don't laugh Daesungie, you are fine just skipping the shirt part altogether.' which was supposed to sound like a threat and ended up as a compliment, like every time Seunghyun tried to scold Daesung. He is so biased, Seungri thinks munching on his kimbap.
He's shed much of his clothing too, taking advantage of the fact that the fangirls are not only kept outside but at a good distance from the building and no one can snap a photo of him half-naked. Not that he actually minds, but half-naked photos can be photoshopped in various imaginative ways and he doesn't need another scandal.
The funny thing is that he's mostly worried about Jiyong whenever he's on the verge of screwing up. For better or worse, Seungri seems to be held to a different standard, almost as if the public eye is more forgiving to him, this friendly blabbermouth who is talented, yes, but also human. A long time has passed and he is no longer the expendable extra in Big Bang, he has a solo career and while he is more well-known for his variety skills, his new solo album has been charting high. Jiyong was proud of him and while it makes Seungri happy when Jiyong is proud of him, it's also horribly painful for some reason. He wants to shake Jiyong, what else do you need? You love me
already, I do my best for you.
Seungri forces himself to stop thinking about this. Daesung is still bickering with Seunghyun like the old married couple they are and Seungri tries not to think of the one time when he caught them in the corridor at a party, Daesung drunk and crying and Seunghyun desperately trying to distract him, which ended in a kiss.
Truth to be told, it was not as quick and simple but Seungri still feels guilty for having stared at something that decidedly was not meant for his eyes. But he did watch, and in the end what
shook him the most was not the very fact that his hyungs were apparently getting it on in some way or another but how much he wanted that for himself. That is magnificent, his heart shouted at him, so it is possible after all.
But that was a few months ago and Seungri has no way of telling whether the two of them are going out, have decided to go back to being friends, are pursuing the tricky delights of the fuck-buddies system or have just not mentioned it at all. Nothing has changed outwardly so he doesn't ask.
Jiyong appears in the distance, visibly trying to politely argue with a PD through a distressed-looking interpreter. Jiyong looks ready to snap and the interpreter is making puppy eyes at him. Seungri waits it out and walks up to Jiyong when he's left alone. He doesn't say anything and gives him a bottle of water instead, Jiyong gulping down half of it in one go.
'They can be so unreasonable, Seunghyun-ah. I don't understand Taiwanese variety.' Jiyong rambles and hands him the bottle. Then he looks Seungri over and smirks a bit which soon turns into a laugh, as if something funny has just occurred to him.
'What is it, hyung?' Seungri can't help but ask and Jiyong pats him on the shoulder.
'No, nothing. We'll be even better off when you'll have learned Mandarin.' Jiyong says.
'So far I can barely introduce myself, hyung.' Seungri frowns and wonders whether he missed some kind of an order from above.
'Because you're not interested in it. Once you are, you'll kick ass at it in no time.' Jiyong cracks him another smile before his face turns dark again, spotting the PD from before coming back with another show-runner in tow.
Seungri lets him get back to the argument trying to ignore the sudden urge to purchase a Mandarin study book.
Whether it's pathetic or not, nothing hurt him more than Jiyong's disappointment and motivated him more than Jiyong's belief in him.
october 2015, london
Seungri feels giddy and pleased, browsing through the department store's aisles in unfamiliar anonymity. He's taken extra steps to make himself look a bit ridiculous and decidedly uncool to assure that no one would bother him. So far he's succeeded and purchased an unholy amount of things, slowly making his way through the entire length of Oxford Street.
His original goal was to find something nice for Suyeon, who deserves fancy things for having lasted five months in a relationship with him. He wonders briefly if this is inappropriate, because what he's doing is not early Christmas and New Year's shopping but hunting for goodbye gifts and he shouldn't feel so light and relieved.
It's not as if he really dislikes Suyeon, it's actually the opposite. He's come to like her enough to decide to stop stringing her along for company and sex. She is a wonderful girl, he thinks, making his way through blinding jewellery and bottles of perfume, she deserves better.
'You just don't love me enough,' she'll say and Seungri's heart feels heavy for a moment because if he values her at all, he's going to have to nod to that.
The sky outside is an unpleasant shade of grey and it's raining but not enough for people to actually take their umbrellas out. Seungri tries to be a brave Londoner but just as the rain becomes heavier and people still ignore it, he stares at them incredulously and shifts his bags to grab his own umbrella.
He still remembers the first time he walked this street with shopping bags in his hands, only half of them his own and the other half belonging to Jiyong who unceremoniously pushed them into Seungri's arms to free his own hands. Seungri couldn't bring himself to be annoyed watching him virtually jump up and down excitedly.
Jiyong's eyes were glued to something original and/or shocking that he saw on the display window.
'Hyung,' Seungri ventured dubiously 'Just because it's from London doesn't make it amazing.' He was obviously ignored for a good minute but then Jiyong turned to look at him and smiled.
'You really do speak your mind now, huh.' Jiyong smiled more and something heartbreaking flashed in his eyes. Seungri's breath caught when Jiyong reached out his hand to take some of the bags he'd made him carry.
It couldn't have been an accident when Jiyong hooked his pinky around Seungri's and they couldn't quite find a reason to move for a moment. Seungri failed to pretend to stare at the display, fixing his eyes on Jiyong's face, always too familiar and too dear.
Seungri can't remember how the weather was on that day, but it doesn't matter as much. It's raining now.
may 2016, seoul
'So,' Seunghyun says pouring him another glass of wine 'I assume everyone else is dumb or polite but you can have a heart-to-heart with me.'
Seungri doesn't want a heart-to-heart. He wants to climb under the covers of Seunghyun's expensive-looking bed and be left alone to feel miserable. But he can't say that of course, hyung, I'm more interested in your bed right now.
He doesn't even attempt to divert Seunghyun's attention because it's clearly destined to end in failure. He just downs the alcohol, for some reason still unable to get really drunk.
'Seunghyun-ah. Have you ever told him?'
Seunghyun's eyes are piercing but warm and Seungri feels his shoulders hunch. 'There's no way I could tell him without ruining everything, hyung.' he manages finally and Seunghyun doesn't argue with that.
'Sometimes it's worth to have something for a while, even if it doesn't last long,' he offers carefully and Seungri wonders if he's talking from experience, if he means Daesung.
'Doesn't it hurt more?' he asks in a low voice and searches Seunghyun's eyes. He doesn't look down.
'It does. But you have the knowledge that at some point you've had that.' Seunghyun says and re-organises his face into a more light-hearted expression. He's not the type to spout sentimental nonsense and Seungri's grateful for that.
Seungri laughs a little and props his chin on the table, looking at the glass and going a bit cross-eyed in the process.
'That's not the point. Both parties need to be interested.' he mutters and Seunghyun sighs.
Neither of them really understands Jiyong after all.
'It's fine, hyung, really. I just don't wanna lose him.'
'You're not going to,' Seunghyun says gently and gets up to take the wine away. He'll be back with food and a DVD, because no matter how often he bails out on group outings, Seungri knows that he'd never shut the door when he really needed him.
january 2018, tokyo
The taxi passes through Shinjuku and stops at the traffic lights. Seungri feels as if the whole world ceased to spin around, there is only the enclosed space inside the taxi where two men sit apart and stare out of two opposite windows. The silence enveloping them is suffocating, Seungri counts his heartbeats and can almost hear every laboured breath Jiyong takes.
It never takes much to destroy years and years of happiness with a single wrong word and Seungri thinks it so unfair he wants to cry. But somehow, Jiyong has more of a right to cry now, although Seungri is sure he won't.
They make it to the hotel, awkwardly stomping their feet. Only five hours ago it was a very fine idea to share a room, share jokes, share the truth.
Seungri has taken the last part a bit too far and he literally has no idea where to go from here. Jiyong makes the decision for him, as he always does in the times of crisis.
He opens the door, walks into the room first and proceeds to take a shower that Seungri is sure lasts a couple of hours. When Seungri wordlessly passes him by on the way to the morbidly luxurious bathroom, Jiyong pointedly looks at the floor instead and Seungri has never been in a more awkward situation in his life.
He is sure he experiences enlightenment under the stream of hot water but all his courage dissipates when confronted with a Jiyong who is sitting on the bed pensively, ready to talk about it.
Seungri doesn't want to talk about it.
He decides that it's best to get it over with as soon as possible so he starts: 'Hyung. I know what it looks like. But it wasn't my intention to confuse you. To spoil your happiness. I, um,' he stalls for a second and just takes a shot at being honest 'just couldn't hold it in any longer. I'm sorry.'
Jiyong's eyes are closed and when he opens them, the heartbreak is the only thing visible to Seungri.
'I don't know what to say right now. I really don't,' Jiyong finally says and it makes sense while also being inexplicably disappointing. 'And I should be apologising instead.'
He looks genuinely regretful and Seungri's heart clenches. That is the very root of their problem. If only Jiyong didn't love him this much.
'I shouldn't really say anything, I'm getting married you know.' Jiyong begins out of nowhere and it takes Seungri a good minute to understand where this is going. He tries to accumulate all of his willpower in one place.
'But right now, there's nothing I want more than to make you feel better' Jiyong continues and his voice is tight, his eyes pleading forgiveness and Seungri just wants to hit him in despair. Jiyong stands up and walks up to where Seungri's sitting, hovering above him before his hand finds Seungri's neck and Jiyong pulls him close, so that Seungri's face is buried in his chest. Seungri isn't sure whether this is supposed to be heaven or hell or maybe both at the same time but Jiyong's free hand is stroking his hair and it shouldn't feel that good. He wonders if this is the last time he can have it, all of it.
Seungri is only human so in one swift motion he wraps both of his arms around Jiyong's waist, crushes him in an embrace and Jiyong brings his face to rest on top of Seungri's hair.
'Hyung, I know my hair smells nice but you have to breathe.' Seungri says levelly and at last Jiyong laughs a little against his hair and for a second Seungri can pretend that everything is okay. Jiyong pulls away a little and he looks entirely too unguarded so Seungri takes advantage of this momentary distraction to pull him down until they're kissing.
The moment their lips touch Jiyong makes a little surprised noise at the back of his throat but kisses him back nonetheless. It's not very passionate but neither is it devoid of emotion, it's smooth and warm and everything he wants. He remembers Seunghyun's words briefly.
He doesn't know yet whether this will turn out to be a good decision but now he'll have rather had that kiss.
They break apart and Jiyong waits for him to say something but Seungri doesn't. He's not strong enough to so he just pulls away completely until Jiyong gets it and moves back to his own bed. They can't hold each other's gaze for long, so after a while they turn off the lights and resign to pretending they're trying to sleep.
'Seunghyun-ah,' Jiyong's voice drifts to him and sends a shiver down his spine. Somehow it feels different to hear his own name escape Jiyong's lips, now that he knows how they taste like.
'I know this is selfish, but please don't escape from my life. This might be not what I should be saying or what you want to hear, but I don't want to live without you.'
Jiyong's voice is choked so Seungri cries in his stead.
.
Two weeks later they're not really talking and everyone thinks they're having a fight.
Three weeks later the situation remains unchanged but Daesung turns up in the practice room pale and asks whether Jiyong has consulted breaking off the engagement with any of them.
june 2013, las vegas
Youngbae seems pissed off, for a good reason too, and Seungri braces himself to face the oncoming storm.
'I can't fucking believe this,' he spits out and looks ready to rip his hair out. 'I mean, this is literally the last thing we need. I am so angry right now.'
Seungri can obviously see this but chooses not to comment.
'I can't face him right now. The shitstorm, Seunghyun-ah. Just imagine the fucking shitstorm.' Youngbae is pacing around the hotel suite and and clearly doesn't know how to contain himself. 'People are never going to forgive him, not since his last scandal. This is a disaster.'
'Hyung, the PR team are not the same people you used to know. Hyenas are out to get us but they'll be torn to shreds. This isn't making it to the press.' Seungri says tiredly and really hopes that it sounds reassuring.
He is interrupted by someone knocking on the door and Youngbae is soon being made to sit on the sofa by an equally distressed Jiyong. Youngbae clearly loses his steam and minimises the usage of swear words. Scandals are still a touchy subject to address in front of Jiyong.
'So,' Jiyong says, looking at Youngbae 'There is nothing we can do so I suggest we all sit the hell down and let the company do what they have to do.'
Seungri finds himself looking blankly at the wall, not even feeling particularly alert or worried. The shock value of the entire thing is just a bit too much to process smoothly.
'You okay, magnae?' Jiyong asks more sharply than he wanted to, because he clears his throat and cracks a little smile a second after that.
There is nothing funny about this.
'I hope this will be a lesson to all of us. Kissing only takes place in private. As in, zero chances of being caught on photos. Make this double as strict when you feel you want to kiss a man.' he says levelly, but he's frowning, as if it has just hit him.
'I didn't even know Daesungie liked to kiss men.' Youngbae says miserably.
'Everyone tried it, Youngbae,' Jiyong cuts impatiently and that earns him stunned looks from both Youngbae and Seungri.
Seungri finds it ridiculous how much he wants Jiyong to say more on the subject but Jiyong looks a bit embarrassed by Youngbae's disapproving look.
'Look,' Youngbae says after a minute 'I don't care. It's not who he kissed that bothers me, it's the fact that he got caught.'
He looks down at his hands and clenches them awkwardly. 'I'm worried what happens if they get to him.' he adds.
Jiyong's expressions is gentler now and he pats Youngbae on the shoulder. 'They won't get to him. Gotta keep the secret safe, right?' he laughs and Seungri is surprised by how hollow it sounds.
july 2016, seoul
'You know,' Jiyong slurs clinking their glasses together 'I don't even understand why this is happening at all.'
Seungri eyes him up and down nervously. At least they're drinking in his own apartment because this is not going to end well at all. In fact, it's been a long time since he last saw Jiyong get so terribly drunk.
'It's not like I want all my relationships to end on a bad note. I can never seem to keep 'em going in the right direction' he complains between sips of whiskey. His lips are wet and shiny and Seungri suddenly congratulates himself on not having drunk that much himself.
'I've decided that it's because love always dies at some point. There is no love that's forever, y'know.' Jiyong exclaims and hiccups and then for some reason grabs Seungri's hand and puts it on the table in front of himself, palm upwards. He manages to look both absent-minded and thoughtful at the same time, and the tips of his fingers barely touch Seungri's hand, tracing nonsensical patterns along his skin. Seungri keeps his mouth shut but there is one thousand things he wants to say.
'I think,' he starts, staring fixedly at his own hand 'that some loves are forever.'
Jiyong's head snaps up and his blank expression gives way to warmth.
'That's what everyone wants to be told, isn't it?' he says gently and squeezes Seungri's hand before releasing it. He's still smiling though and Seungri starts to smile back despite himself.
'But it's true, hyung.' he adds and it sounds a bit too serious this time because Jiyong gives him an unreadable look. He opens his mouth but ends up saying nothing and just pours himself another drink.
Jiyong doesn't seem drunk anymore.
march 2018, new york/seoul
Seungri is scheduled to come back to Seoul the day after tomorrow after putting finishing touches on his new solo album. He's not going to put it out right now though since they'll get to release a new album as a group for the first time in two years. Things have been going very well for them and everyone has been immersed in solo activities but after listening to new songs Seungri feels that they still have it, as five.
Not to mention that working on the recording has given him an excuse to interact with Jiyong again and sometimes he wonders whether Jiyong really needs to call him that often to discuss something or order him to re-record a particular part of a song five times.
After weeks of waiting it's clear that Jiyong still doesn't know what to say and Seungri understands that he'll have to lose in this situation. Jiyong wants to wait it out, not to confront it, and after all what could they possibly do? They can't really live without each other, and as unhealthy as it is, Seungri doesn't want to break away completely.
He's looking out the window when his mobile rings and he picks it up before looking at the caller. Jiyong's voice is clear and reverberates in his heart.
'I wanted you to know that we have two songs ready. You won't need to re-record it again.' Jiyong says by way of saying hello and Seungri mumbles a 'that's great'. He's waiting, because this is not the reason Jiyong's calling him at this hour.
'Seunghyun-ah.'
Seungri closes his eyes and waits, either for a blow or words of closure, whichever comes first.
'Can we talk after you get back?' and it's not what Seungri expected. He blinks and nods, then remembers that Jiyong can't possibly see that.
'Of course.' he says, somehow forgetting to add honorifics and Jiyong doesn't scold him.
.
They get to talk later, after Jiyong's done kissing him senseless after Seungri's taken one step inside the apartment. It takes him a moment to recover, because it's out of character and therefore worrying. He looks into Jiyong's eyes but he's on guard, careful not to communicate more than he wants to.
'What is this, hyung?' Seungri asks and it comes out a bit tired. It's better than sounding hopeful and desperate which is his real state of mind.
'This is me asking you to give me a chance.' Jiyong says and Seungri doesn't believe him at all. Jiyong notices that and isn't surprised which adds to Seungri's suspicions.
'I don't know how to say it in a different way. I don't know if I'll end up breaking your heart or you'll break mine but don't you wanna try?'
Seungri wants to ask him more questions, are you doing this out of pity, why did you break up with her, did you love her, do you love me more, how do you love me?
But it doesn't seem to be the right place or time and is it really that important? It doesn't make a pretty picture and seems far from healthy but what they have has never been the definition of a healthy relationship.
He remembers himself sitting at the table across from Seunghyun and being brave, selfless and so, so stupid. He chooses to believe that Jiyong respects him enough not to make such an offer out of pity.
'I really don't know what it is, Seunghyun-ah.' Jiyong says, pulling him into a hug that still feels more a friend's than a lover's 'But I've never lied to you. I do love you a lot.'
Seungri's throat feels tight and he wraps his arms around Jiyong.
21st of november 2018, seoul
'You guys are disgusting,' Seunghyun says politely, shuffling around his wine cabinet and trying to hide a smile. Youngbae shoots him a questioning look before he follows his line of sight and catches Jiyong with his usual goofy grin taking pictures of Seungri in a party hat. Youngbae snorts and goes back to his task of rescuing cookies from the table for Daesung, who might be late, yes, but it doesn't mean he deserves no cookies.
Jiyong stabs at his phone that looks as expensive as it probably is, in an attempt to decorate the pictures with little hearts and sparkles.
Seungri laughs at them a little and he feels too content to protest. He really hopes he's not giving Jiyong adoring looks because that's just embarrassing but then again Youngbae told him to quit worrying about it, fans have been taking apart the intricacies of nyongtory's Hopelessly-in-Love looks before you were even legally an adult.
Most fans would probably be less than happy if they knew that the loving looks stopped being as innocent but it can't hurt them if they don't know.
Seungri hasn't really stopped questioning his own life choices because it's not an easy ride, but he's happy. Even though Jiyong still can't figure out how to treat him sometimes, caught between being strictly friends and spoiling him like a princess that Seungri tries to stress he's not.
Jiyong sometimes forgets that he's supposed to be affectionate not just when it suits him, but when Seungri needs it too. Above all, Seungri's still not sure whether Jiyong's motives were romantic at all, whether he just loves Seungri too much not to want to make him the happiest he can.
But Seungri is not going to ruin this by doubting his every step. At the very least, Jiyong is certainly not repulsed by the idea of having sex with another man. Good for you man, Seungri congratulates himself as a particularly delicious image of Jiyong being rather overwhelmed beneath him, his hands gripping Seungri's shoulders and still trying to command him even then.
Seungri licks his lips and feels eighteen again, until he catches Seunghyun's look. That man can obviously read other people's thoughts, Seungri bemoans and calls back another obscene mental image, just to see if Seunghyun's expression changes at all.
Daesung chooses this very moment to appear, putting three bags of food and alcohol on the table as a way of apologising for being late. Seunghyun frowns a little and Daesung tells him off, even before Seunghyun gets the chance to voice his complains: 'Yes hyung, this is an abomination and an insult to your wine collection. Some people like beer, okay?'
Jiyong loses it when he sees Seunghyun's face and for a moment they all indulge in operation let's-bully-Seunghyun-now.
Seungri thinks that feeling mostly happy is the best way to feel.
.
Seungri and Jiyong get into the taxi together, and Seungri remembers another night when they were rushing through the streets of Tokyo in the dead of the night. But everything is different now, they're both looking out of the same window and Jiyong is pressed against him.
His head lulls back until it drops on Jiyong's shoulder and he doesn't care if he's drooling a bit on Jiyong's jacket.
He's jerked wide awake by a horrified cry of 'Seunghyun-ah!' and when he opens his eyes he sees blinding lights before he's pulled down against his will and the world goes black.
22nd of november 2018, seoul
He opens his eyes to an unfamiliar white ceiling and it takes him two whole minutes to piece everything together. If this is a hospital, they must have had an accident but he can't tell how serious it was.
He can move his legs but his insides feel like they've been chewed out and put back in the wrong place. He looks down his body and sees more than feels that he's bandaged up like a caricature of a mummy. He looks around trying to find Jiyong but this looks like a VIP version of a hospital room, all for himself. He doesn't like how it sounds in his head.
The door opens slowly and he closes his eyes instinctively. He doesn't even understand why, but he feels it'll be better to block out whatever comes through it.
But the silence gets longer and longer until he has no choice but to open his eyes.
He sees Youngbae's face and his heart sinks.
.
At three in the afternoon Seunghyun makes his way into his room, Daesung having left after an hour of just sitting there and clutching his uninjured hand. Neither could really look the other in the eye and there was nothing to be said.
Seunghyun doesn't look at him either, but a strangled sound resembling 'Seunghyun-ah' forces its way past his lips. He clears his throat and tries again.
'Seunghyun-ah.'
Seungri feels his eyes start to burn but he tries to hold on. Then he unfortunately ends up catching Seunghyun's look and his breath catches. He understands that it'd be too selfish to demand reassuring lies at this point because right now, all three of them are too busy being relieved that he's alive and Seungri cuts through the thought before it's fully formed. He doesn't want to think about it. He has all the time in the world to pretend he's coming to terms with it.
'You might not care but he'd be glad to see you alive, Seunghyun-ah' he finishes and his mask slips a tiny bit. The raw pain in his eyes is too much to take so Seungri blurs his vision with tears.
'I know.' he replies, voice rough.
25th of December, 2018
It'd be easier if Jiyong's mother blamed him. It'd be more acceptable if anyone at all told him that they hated him, he should have died instead, why would a person like Jiyong lose his life so that someone like Seungri could live? But no one said that and each time he finally found a hate message on the internet someone snatched the laptop away. He wasn't even allowed to be by himself most of the time, undoubtedly because no one trusted him not to do something stupid.
That was the most ridiculous assumption ever. He would not throw away the life that Jiyong gave him (took away).
It'd just be more bearable if he knew for a fact that there was someone out there in the world that hated him more than himself.
.
As soon as he is released from the hospital he insists on taking some of his things from the apartment to take to his parents' house.
'I'll leave you to it,' his mother offers awkwardly and is kind enough to retreat to the car.
Seungri should have known better than to come back here so early but there was no better punishment for now.
He could see Jiyong literally everywhere, sipping his morning coffee and batting him away in irritation because it was too early, sprawled on the sofa and trying to stab him with his feet until Seungri complained about his smelly socks, attempting to cook him a sophisticated dinner (I'll be a good housewife today so you cook tomorrow!) and getting kimbap in the end, stomping his feet like a child in front of a whole room full of clothes because he couldn't decided what to wear, randomly working out in the middle of the living room and not protesting when Seungri was a bit too tempted by his shirt riding up at every movement and pushed him onto the floor.
He could hear Jiyong's voice, humming a song that wasn't recorded yet, tapping a rhythm that was perhaps meant for Big Bang's next album, Big Bang that did go out with a bang. Music has always enveloped Jiyong but Seungri hasn't listened to his voice in weeks. He doesn't know how Youngbae manages to spend days listening to Jiyong's songs but perhaps that kind of shock therapy was the best route.
Then again Youngbae would never get over Jiyong either.
.
Seungri picks up little things that he's come back for but he can't find his heart anywhere.
31st of December, 2020
Seungri laughs into his phone as he quickly notes down all the details. He has a feeling that working with that director is going to bring a good music video. It's been half a year since he was all but pushed in the direction of the recording studio. He insisted that he didn't want to go back into the promotions cycle yet but to no avail.
'You don't have to promote. Just go record something, keep busy.' Daesung said so he listened to him.
Being half as sociable as before was already tiring enough but he knows he needs to network again. He needs to congratulate himself on not turning into an alcoholic, a drug addict, a shut-in. He's living presentably, he's doing well. He's also trying to apply Seunghyun's advice to his life, don't just live only because you feel you owe it to Jiyong.
So far no progress has been made on that account but Seungri will try harder.
He's trying to reason with himself, he will probably have a long, fulfilling life so he can try to be happy without thinking about Jiyong every day.
He'll have to try a lot harder to succeed at that, too.
He walks out the back door of the studio to grab a coffee but mostly just to take a breather. The streets are still sparkling with a thin layer of snow and he looks over the shops bustling with people.
On his way back he spots a couple in front of a display window, they soon walk away and three girls crowd in front of it instead. People keep coming and going and somehow in the dazzle of it, he thinks he can see himself and Jiyong, holding onto a ridiculous amount of bags and holding onto each other.
No one could ever understand what we had, Seungri thinks and his fingers flex. There's nothing but air for him to grab so he tears his eyes away from the street across, where he's with Jiyong, where he wants to stay forever.
He turns back and starts walking to the studio.
Hyung
Can you still hear me?
Jiyong