[Log] [Week 15, Day 6] Oh, you will never know I was here

[mightstealyrcar]

Who: Matt, and anyone who's chasing after him <3
Status: Openish
Style: Third, Past
Where: Leaving Yomisato, heading towards Kazesato
When: Early morning, Week 15, Day 6
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: At least language, I assume.
Summary: Matt thinks it would be better for everyone if he were just gone.

Comments

[hirac_utzum]

As soon as he woke, Elfangor had run through the house in some vain hope that he was wrong, that Matt hadn't really run off. But there had been no sign of him.

He'd wanted to go to Jessica for help, surely she would know where Matt would be most likely to run off to--but the sun was already up, so she'd been asleep, and there was no hope of waking her.

Which meant he was on his own.

He wanted to call Matt on his Hitomi, but feared that would only drive him to be more evasive, to pick up speed in whatever direction he's chosen. No, he simply had to find him, and drag him home. Kicking and screaming if necessary.

On a hunch, he headed toward Kazesato. Perhaps it was in part that he did not think Matt would head remotely toward Himorogi right now--and also likely in part his own fear of the forest driving him toward the more open land of the desert in his search--but it did not take terribly long before he spotted a small fire outside of what appeared to be a cave.

A very new fire, from the looks of it

[mightstealyrcar]

Matt was huddled up by now, one arm wrapped around his legs drawn to his chest, the other hand holding the pipe he would never have forgotten, and fuck, he really should have known someone would follow him.

He stared into the flames as they licked higher. He kind of failed at everything in life, but at least he could build a decent campfire, right?

"I dunno. I never know. That's the problem."

He was tired enough that he had to make a conscious effort to keep words from spilling out, but not so wiped that he didn't know they wouldn't make sense if he just let them have free rein.

"I just. Needed to think shit over. But 'm so tired. An' I'm tired of being useless."

[hirac_utzum]

Elfangor sighed, weary once the adrenaline had drained out of his system. He too was tired, on more than just a physical level, but they needed to talk about this.

"That's it, scoot over." He clambered into the cave to sit beside Matt. It was a bit of a squeeze, but at least this way Matt had to listen to him. And if he got it into his head to try to run off again, he'd have a difficult time of it.

"Matt, why are you so concerned with being 'useful'? What even constitutes usefulness?"

He watched the flames for a long moment, before continuing. "I've told you that I've spent much of my life at war. And in war, all you learn is to see how others may be used, how you yourself can be best used. But if you grow too accustomed to that, you forget how to value people as more than simply a means to an end. And I think everyone deserves better than that."

"To focus so intently on usefulness... is to reject yourself as an individual, I think."

[mightstealyrcar]

Matt edged over as much as he could, settled back into a curl in on himself, chin propped on his knee, watching the fire.

"Know how many places I lived before I was eleven? Fourteen. And I wasn't a bad kid. Sometimes it wasn't even that they didn't wanna keep me. They just couldn't, or whatever."

He knocked his pipe against the cave floor, emptying out the bowl. "And then at the House, the whole point was to teach us to be somebody else. I never wanted to be. Wouldn't've made it anyway.

"My world's kinda been at war since then. Just, most people didn't know it." He thought about the days right after Mello had left, and about hoping the call would come, that Mello would need him. About killing time for five silent years, learning what he thought he'd need to know, and wanting only to be able to help when the call had come.

"I did one thing in that fucking war, and it got me killed. I do one thing here to try to help you guys, and. Well.

"No one's ever wanted me around just for me. Not 'til I came here. I dunno if I know how to do

[hirac_utzum]

He winced at the reminder of what had happened to Matt with the damned Mortrons. That... was still not something that sat well with him. Probably never would, but frankly, something would have to be wrong with him for that ever to be the case.

"I believe that there is a difference between trying to help and trying to be useful. In the latter case, if you do not succeed in what you set out to do, it implies a lack of value in your efforts. And that is simply not true. I do appreciate that you tried to offer assistance."

His throat tightened as he thought back on that nightmare, on the chaos and the terror, but pressed on regardless, "It was a complicated situation. As I assume it likely was in your world's war, as well. You cannot always predict the outcome of such situations. Just because you don't achieve precisely what it is you intended does not mean that what you do doesn't matter."

He nudged his shoulder against Matt's. "Because you do matter, and not for something so petty as usefulness."