[newsletter] Kannagara Free Press: Week 33
Kannagara Free Press;
issue 2. week 33
Greetings, fellow fun-loving inhabitants of the Wonderful World of Kannagara! We are here once again for the weekly news, or something vaguely resembling such, the only place where you can read all about your neighbor’s incredible imploding house and other strange phenomena, right alongside your celestial weather forecast.
Riding on the coattails of last week’s smashing success of a premiere issue, the Kannagara Free Press is going full steam ahead, bringing you updates on the goings on in your little corner of the sandbox. As always, I am open to any and all comments, leads, rumors, and fannish adoration. My Hitomi-mail eagerly awaits your messages..
Rumor Mill
• It appears that Kannagara just can’t get enough of its inspired scientists and inventors. Last week, we had the recreation of Ben Franklin’s “Kite in Electrical Storm” experiment gone bad. Meanwhile, this week: vying for the Ig Nobel prize in chemistry, we have mysterious unnamed Offworlder “A” concocting dream potions for the unwary. Allegedly in collaboration with healers from Yomisato, “A” mixed up one happy little serum sure to make anyone’s sleepytime just a little more interesting. It was not quite the Ig Nobel formula for success (“first make people laugh, and then make them think”), but it went more like “first make them dreamy, and then make them bat shit insane.” Close enough, right? Unfortunately, the folks in charge at the Metsuke disagreed. They’re looking for “A” and all those responsible for this pharmaceutical breakthrough, and the Yomisato, Mizusato, and Raisato offices are working a joint investigation to run this operation into the ground. Goes to show, we just can’t have nice things.
• Remember those pesky oni sightings from last week? Well what do you know? They’re back. Maybe they never went away in the first place, because Kannagara is such a fabulous getaway that one is hard pressed to imagine why anyone would want to leave. Oni like to have a good time, too.
Of course, these oni sightings are also coupled with tales of odd disappearances of random Kannagarans. They say many of these missing persons were last seen leaving pubs in the company of beautiful women, and that their abandoned residences had traces of spiderwebs. Sounds almost like the lore of the jorougumo - the overgrown Spider Lady, a youkai with a nasty habit of devouring the flesh of humans. Men, if you find yourself being hit on by a woman who is clearly out of your league, tonight will not be your lucky night, unless being slowly liquefied and then digested by a giant spider is your definition of a good time. (I promise I won’t judge you if that’s your thing).
Weather Report
The first monsoon of the season has arrived over in Amesato, Kusasato, and Mizusato. Watch out for flash flooding around mid-week (day 3-4) as the sky breaks open to do its thing.
Drought conditions continue over in Yomisato and Kazesato, because the gods are just finicky that way, and like to dump all the rain in one go over the other villages, leaving nothing for these poor suckers. Water rationing to continue for the indeterminate future.
Tsuchisato residents, look to the skies because you might see some light snow flurries coming your way. Snow will hit harder in the Raisato, which might see some blizzard conditions as early as day 2 this week. Bundle up!
Metsuke Reports
• That pesky drought in parts of Kannagara has been bringing out the cut-throat survivor instincts in the affected villagers, which is always such a heartwarming thing to see around this time of year. Private water supply theft is on the rise in Kazesato, while over in the ever jovial town of Yomisato, there have been several reports of deaths attributed to altercations over water. There’s an increasing threat of water-related rioting there as well, and if the residents don’t behave themselves, officials might consider enacting martial law and enforce a curfew. Come on folks…don’t ruin it for everyone else.
Just stating the obvious here, but the Yomisato Metsuke would like to remind both Celestial and Offworld residents to watch their backs after picking up their rations. Metsuke officers in these regions will get a 2 Shu supplement to their 18 Shu salary as hazard pay for having to deal with all the thirsty jackasses who don’t know how to be team players.
• So about the joint investigation into that science whiz (aka Offworlder “A”) and his/her shady accomplices: the Metsuke want your help. They’re offering a reward for anyone who has information that will lead to an arrest. So if you’re desperate for some funds and you can’t wait to rat out your neighbor, run run run to the nearest Metsuke office and file a report. By the by, the users of this magic serum have been marked by the gods for their naughtiness. Officers of the Metsuke, if I were you, I would want to know why the gods couldn’t help you out a little further and put an equally distinguishing brand on the dealers so you can do your jobs apprehending them. Next time the gods call you on the god phone, I would put that question to them.
• A house kind of imploded on itself two days ago in Mizusato. Presumably if you live in that village, it did not escape your attention. A bunch of casualties were reported, Offworlders, all. This was actually not a science experiment gone horribly wrong, shockingly enough, but a deliberate act of an individual (or two?). A very angry individual, from the looks of it. The gods have already swept in and dealt their “punishment” on those responsible for the carnage and destruction of property.
I have to interject here and offer up some opinion on this subject. Why being turned into a feline for a short period of time is in any way a punishment for murder is a bit of a mystery. What kind of sissy ass punishment is that? What happened to fire and brimstone, and mountains made of thorns? If retribution is your aim here, gods of Kanangara, then you’re saying that a human life is equivalent to a few days of toying around with a ball of yarn and sharpening your claws on a scratching post. If I was a murder victim, I might be a little pissed off. But then, I am sure you have some great karmic purpose in your holy felines. Maybe one can reach enlightenment in that form that they cannot achieve as a human because we humans are all a little messed up in the head. Justice can be either retributive or rehabilitative. Maybe this is the latter, but I fear I might lack the optimism to see it.
That's it for this edition of the Free Press! See you next week~
- Yukimi Kazuhiko
[ooc: The oni that are responsible for the disappearances are indeed "jorougumo" as Yukimi reports. The mods say your characters are welcome to hunt these demon spiders down! More info on them here.]