[Shame burns through Elfangor, his first thought being that he shouldn't have yelled at Tobias, he should have looked for this first, damn it.
It's not just the shame for his own actions that burns, though. White hot, snapping rage slices through him at Esplin's presence, at the way he twists the situation to trap his son, to take advantage of his insecurities--insecurities that might not have been, had Elfangor actually been there for him. He rages at the way the Abomination dares to touch him, to manipulate the desperate need of a child to simply feel wanted...
He doesn't know when he started crying. It must have been after he'd started to morph to human, because he needs to be human right now, needs to have arms strong enough to hold Tobias tight when he finds him. He's just arrived in Yomisato, it's not far now--]
Tobias, I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... [He chokes, swallows hard.] I am almost there.
You didn't do this. [Tobias is in the dark now, whether he's hiding under a blanket, or he's just turned the light off is anyone's guess. But it's dark, and he's hardly visible.] He did this.
The Ellimist. [And Tobias is crying, too. He's afraid and alone, and while he wants desperately to be comforted, he's afraid of that, too.
because what if it's taken away again? What if he's alone again? What if this is the dream?]
[It is a through a combination of guesswork and sheer dumb luck that Elfangor manages to find the correct laboratory, and he is in far too much of a hurry to bother with things like knocking before entering.
He bursts into the darkened lab, calling out,] Tobias! Are you--?
[But the sound of sniffling answers that half-formed question. He rushes over, can see enough even in the darkness to tell that Tobias has been crying. (But he'd been crying before, too, after he'd yelled at him. Another burst of shame courses through Elfangor.)
Heedless of whether the contact is wanted, Elfangor pulls Tobias into a fierce hug. There are so many things he should have done differently. He shouldn't have let Tobias run away from home, even for the short time it had been, even if he'd thought Tobias had just needed some space, some time to settle. He shouldn't have yelled at him. Should have been there for him growing up, Elfangor had known he would need him, hadn't he? But the Ellimist had already taken him away, had made sure not to let him know
( ... )
[Tobias was there, in a corner, a blanket curled around his shoulders. He looks up when he hears his father's voice, rising to his feet as Elfangor approaches.
And he accepts the hug, returning it just as firmly, and when he feels that warm embrace, he can't help it. The crying just gets worse.
Especially when he's told he's wanted. He's sobbing so hard, he can't can't speak, but his arms tighten around his father, and he presses his face into Elfangor's chest. There's nothing more he can do just yet, except let the emotions come out of him with the tears and the sobs, and cling to his father.
His father.] Dad [The word is barely intelligible between the sobs.]
[It breaks something within him, to hear Tobias crying so much, even when hearing him call him dad feels almost like a victory. But it is not something he can revel in right now, can only hold this precious thing close to his heart--and he lifts Tobias up, still hugging him tightly as he carries him toward the door.]
Come on, let's go home. [It's spoken quietly, as he rubs a hand gently against Tobias' back, trying to calm his tears.
He hasn't forgotten Tobias' frustration, his angry, confused words, about not knowing how to deal with him, with any of them. But he isn't sure how to answer that, either. Still, he feels he ought to say something, to acknowledge it.]
You do not have to know how to handle any of this. It's... not what you are used to. [That much is certainly evident from the nightmare.] But whatever you choose to do, it does not change the fact that I care. Being useful and being cared for, they are not connected
( ... )
[For the moment, Tobias doesn't care that he's acting like a baby. He lets himself be gathered up, clings to the only loving person he's ever known. He's still crying, but being held seems to soothe him, and soon he's stopped sobbing, at least.]
I'm sorry, [He mumbles it, misery lacing his voice.] I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. [he lifts his head then, looking his father in the eye, and leans up to press a kiss to his cheek.
And promptly grimaces as the beard scruff scratches at his face.] And I wouldn't know anything about being cared for. It's never happened before. [Except with Rachel, but that was a different situation entirely. But he was ready to go home, and that had to be worth something.]
[He'd be lying, even to himself, if he tried to say that it hadn't hurt, to be pushed away, because it had, terribly--but part of him suspected that he'd deserved it, for abandoning Tobias so long ago, even unwillingly as it had been.
But his own guilt issues crumble away, in the face of how utterly miserable Tobias sounds.]
Oh, Tobias... It's all right. There is nothing to forgive--your emotional reactions are your own. I could not, would not presume to tell you how you ought to feel.
[He huffs out a quiet laugh when Tobias makes a face after that show of affection, and the warmth that threads through him is... not entirely new, but glows a little differently, a little brighter, for knowing that his son, his son, is reaching out to him now. Not rejecting him, not pushing him away.]
We'll just have to take it one step at a time then, won't we?
[Tobias gives a weak smile, despite the tears still streaming down his face, and settles his head on Elfangor's shoulder, closing his eyes and holding tight.]
I guess so, [he agrees because he doesn't know what else to say, doesn't know how else they might go about it. He gives a quiet sigh, reaching up with one hand to touch his father's face, tenderly.
Like that first time Elfangor had touched him, in the abandoned construction site. He doubted that anything passed between them this time, but certainly the gesture was meaningful enough on its own.] Can we just... start over?
[And pretend, maybe, that Tobias hadn't been pushing him away. Pretend like they'd just met again, like Tobias hadn't been so cruel.]
[His tongue feels too thick in his throat, but he smiles through it just the same.] Yes. [He gives a small laugh. Choked, but no less pleased for it.] Yes, I would like that very much.
[Elfangor is, admittedly, a bit surprised when Tobias touches him like that, and he can't help but wonder if Aximili had explained the meaning of the gesture among their people. But he remembers, too, that he had reached out to him in their painfully brief meeting before--had used the connection to transfer information as well; it was easier with contact, but not truly necessary. Mostly, he had just wanted to reach out to his son, in what he had known to be the moments before his certain death.
Little had he known, then, that his death would be so long delayed by his time here, in this world, that had come to be more his world, more his home than he had felt in a very long time.
He still does not think that Tobias is truly dead, in the time that he comes from. But Elfangor has already decided against bringing that up again. Knows now why Tobias wants
( ... )
[Tobias is relieved at the reply, and lets his hand slide away from Elfangor's face, his arms curled comfortably around his father's neck as he lets the warmth of a loving father comfort him. His tears finally ease off, and he rubs them away on Elfangor's shirt as his father talks.
And then the meaning of the words sinks in. He lifts his head, blinking owlishly at Elfangor with a blank expression.] You...
[Insert chirping crickets and a long, awkward silence.]
[Among all the possible reactions Elfangor had considered, this was not one of them.
Excuse him, his face will just be turning bright red now.]
No! [Completely flabbergasted.] We have been, er, together since last winter. [He is not quite sure how else to describe it. Dating is too fleeting a term.] But the seasons are strange here, each seems to last only four weeks.
[Has it truly only been so long? It feels far more like forever...]
[Shame burns through Elfangor, his first thought being that he shouldn't have yelled at Tobias, he should have looked for this first, damn it.
It's not just the shame for his own actions that burns, though. White hot, snapping rage slices through him at Esplin's presence, at the way he twists the situation to trap his son, to take advantage of his insecurities--insecurities that might not have been, had Elfangor actually been there for him. He rages at the way the Abomination dares to touch him, to manipulate the desperate need of a child to simply feel wanted...
He doesn't know when he started crying. It must have been after he'd started to morph to human, because he needs to be human right now, needs to have arms strong enough to hold Tobias tight when he finds him. He's just arrived in Yomisato, it's not far now--]
Tobias, I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... [He chokes, swallows hard.] I am almost there.
Reply
The Ellimist. [And Tobias is crying, too. He's afraid and alone, and while he wants desperately to be comforted, he's afraid of that, too.
because what if it's taken away again? What if he's alone again? What if this is the dream?]
Reply
He bursts into the darkened lab, calling out,] Tobias! Are you--?
[But the sound of sniffling answers that half-formed question. He rushes over, can see enough even in the darkness to tell that Tobias has been crying. (But he'd been crying before, too, after he'd yelled at him. Another burst of shame courses through Elfangor.)
Heedless of whether the contact is wanted, Elfangor pulls Tobias into a fierce hug. There are so many things he should have done differently. He shouldn't have let Tobias run away from home, even for the short time it had been, even if he'd thought Tobias had just needed some space, some time to settle. He shouldn't have yelled at him. Should have been there for him growing up, Elfangor had known he would need him, hadn't he? But the Ellimist had already taken him away, had made sure not to let him know ( ... )
Reply
And he accepts the hug, returning it just as firmly, and when he feels that warm embrace, he can't help it. The crying just gets worse.
Especially when he's told he's wanted. He's sobbing so hard, he can't can't speak, but his arms tighten around his father, and he presses his face into Elfangor's chest. There's nothing more he can do just yet, except let the emotions come out of him with the tears and the sobs, and cling to his father.
His father.] Dad [The word is barely intelligible between the sobs.]
Reply
Come on, let's go home. [It's spoken quietly, as he rubs a hand gently against Tobias' back, trying to calm his tears.
He hasn't forgotten Tobias' frustration, his angry, confused words, about not knowing how to deal with him, with any of them. But he isn't sure how to answer that, either. Still, he feels he ought to say something, to acknowledge it.]
You do not have to know how to handle any of this. It's... not what you are used to. [That much is certainly evident from the nightmare.] But whatever you choose to do, it does not change the fact that I care. Being useful and being cared for, they are not connected ( ... )
Reply
I'm sorry, [He mumbles it, misery lacing his voice.] I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. [he lifts his head then, looking his father in the eye, and leans up to press a kiss to his cheek.
And promptly grimaces as the beard scruff scratches at his face.] And I wouldn't know anything about being cared for. It's never happened before. [Except with Rachel, but that was a different situation entirely. But he was ready to go home, and that had to be worth something.]
Reply
But his own guilt issues crumble away, in the face of how utterly miserable Tobias sounds.]
Oh, Tobias... It's all right. There is nothing to forgive--your emotional reactions are your own. I could not, would not presume to tell you how you ought to feel.
[He huffs out a quiet laugh when Tobias makes a face after that show of affection, and the warmth that threads through him is... not entirely new, but glows a little differently, a little brighter, for knowing that his son, his son, is reaching out to him now. Not rejecting him, not pushing him away.]
We'll just have to take it one step at a time then, won't we?
Reply
I guess so, [he agrees because he doesn't know what else to say, doesn't know how else they might go about it. He gives a quiet sigh, reaching up with one hand to touch his father's face, tenderly.
Like that first time Elfangor had touched him, in the abandoned construction site. He doubted that anything passed between them this time, but certainly the gesture was meaningful enough on its own.] Can we just... start over?
[And pretend, maybe, that Tobias hadn't been pushing him away. Pretend like they'd just met again, like Tobias hadn't been so cruel.]
Reply
[Elfangor is, admittedly, a bit surprised when Tobias touches him like that, and he can't help but wonder if Aximili had explained the meaning of the gesture among their people. But he remembers, too, that he had reached out to him in their painfully brief meeting before--had used the connection to transfer information as well; it was easier with contact, but not truly necessary. Mostly, he had just wanted to reach out to his son, in what he had known to be the moments before his certain death.
Little had he known, then, that his death would be so long delayed by his time here, in this world, that had come to be more his world, more his home than he had felt in a very long time.
He still does not think that Tobias is truly dead, in the time that he comes from. But Elfangor has already decided against bringing that up again. Knows now why Tobias wants ( ... )
Reply
And then the meaning of the words sinks in. He lifts his head, blinking owlishly at Elfangor with a blank expression.] You...
[Insert chirping crickets and a long, awkward silence.]
Oh. You mean you're not already?
Reply
Excuse him, his face will just be turning bright red now.]
No! [Completely flabbergasted.] We have been, er, together since last winter. [He is not quite sure how else to describe it. Dating is too fleeting a term.] But the seasons are strange here, each seems to last only four weeks.
[Has it truly only been so long? It feels far more like forever...]
Reply
Leave a comment