[ Week 31, Day 7 | Dream ] things fall apart
Warnings: war, violence, death
You used to think dying was just staying asleep for a very long time.
That when little girls exploded in front of your eyes in little pieces that rained down on you and matted your hair red and wet, it just meant they were going back to sleep. Because before you are alive, you are asleep. And when you are sleeping, ( Read more... )
You used to think dying was just staying asleep for a very long time.
That when little girls exploded in front of your eyes in little pieces that rained down on you and matted your hair red and wet, it just meant they were going back to sleep. Because before you are alive, you are asleep. And when you are sleeping, ( Read more... )
Kakashi had hoped he hadn't seen this. That no one from Konoha had. It is difficult enough to know that strangers hold witness to the most secret and darkest moments of his life; even more difficult to have to face those individuals. The ones closest to him. Who have never known much about him because Kakashi has never truly believed there was much of anything to learn at all. That things that could be learned were better off buried in the past where they belonged. So to the eye that has never seen beyond the mask, he is a man who only knows how to live in moments: on the training or battlefield or on a mission. Or lounging on a comfortable branch with a brightly colored book in hand. Or conveniently getting lost and showing up three hours late. But there is little else that can be read beyond those moments, if only because Kakashi has never wanted them to be known.
And now it seems he doesn't get to control what is or is not known.
He steels himself and takes a breath to compose himself. To pull back from the edges of memory with the pulling down of his hitai-ate and the zipping up of his vest.
When he responds it's with an arced eye. Perfectly crescented. ]
Why, Sai! You worry too much. The way you sound, it's almost as though I just took a B-rank jutsu to the face.
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[Sai did not believe that Kakashi was at all happy about having others see into his mind in such a way, in his subconscious of all things. There was a small part of Sai that had always found solace in the fact that his mind was his own, no others could enter there and see or feel what he had been exposed to. But here it was different and it seemed none were safe, even in their dreams from being forced to understand others and see their strife and anguish. It unsettled Sai and he wasn't sure how to change such feelings.]
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[ The last thing Kakashi needs is for his subordinates to be worrying about him, when they have enough to deal with as it is. And when Sai has his own issues to sort out, as well. Figuring out yourself is a hard enough task as it is -- having to figure out someone else when you don't even really understand yourself is even more difficult. ]
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[It was a reflex that Sai hadn't even noticed he had done. A superior telling him an order of sorts and he obeyed. AS much as Sai had changed in the past year of interactions with team Kakashi there were pieces of him still hardwired to react.]
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Mm.
[ A faint murmur. ]
I appreciate that you were concerned enough to ask, though.
[ Lightly, a moment later. ]
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How long has it taken for you to be able to balance such things and hold your sanity?
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He isn't sure how Sai expects him to answer a question like that. When in this line of work, this life they live, they are always walking ever closer to the fine line of insanity. Trying to keep the pieces of themselves together long enough to get through their own front door. ]
Do you feel that you are having trouble with that, Sai?
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Now as adults I find that the... inabilities of social and emotional expression has become a handicap that is creating more doubt than solidity in my mind. I am only eighteen and am wondering how you have dealt thus far with such things. ANBU is not an organization that allow us the freedom of disobeying command orders nor talking about how the missions made us feel afterward. It is a toll we all have taken but I have not found the ability to balance such things now that I am able to speak freely.
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And maybe part of finding our way is also finding ourselves.
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[Sai didn't believe he truly had anyone that Kakashi spoke of. Sakura and Naruto were distanced friends from him at best. He believed in Naruto and knew what he was capable of, even if the blond could not see it in himself. But as for Sai, he didn't believe that such a thing could exist for him.]
I will keep that in mind then Kakashi-san.
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In ANBU, our job is primarily to unlearn how to be human. We spend most of our lives without names, without faces. And the missions we embark on...the things we have to see and do... are difficult. Being willing to make bonds is not easy, coming from a life like that. But it isn't impossible.
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Learning to form any kind of bond is... challenging and confusing. There are important people that I believe in, but I am not sure how they can help me in such a fashion.
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