[The hard lump that has lodged in his throat, a knot of guilt for having them see this, this shameful fracture within him, it makes it hard to speak. He's not sure what there is to say. The dream, no, memory, it sits there, still fresh in his mind, mocking him--this is part of who you are, Beast. It's wormed its way into his mind, into the darkest corners... worse than a Yeerk in his head, because it came from within himself.
But that was before, he insists, firmly. Before, a lifetime ago. Before he met Tobias for the first (and by that timeline, last) time, had the chance to give him the weapon he'd needed by being in the right place at the right time. It hadn't been until then that he'd seen how necessary his absence had been, and he still hated it, but he at least could see why.
And afterward, when he came here, to this world...
He clutches at Matt's arm wrapped around him, all the more tightly.
How can he regret the past, when it brought him here?]
Sorry, I'm sorry... you. [It is still hard to speak through the knot in his throat.] Neither of you should have had to see that.
[He reaches out, tousles Tobias's hair, unsure what the right sort of gesture is for this. But touch is a comfort; he knows this much, as he tries to sink back into the warmth of Matt beside him, waiting for the wisps of lingering dream to be chased away.]
[Tobias kneels there, unsure of what to do as he watches, as he feels. Tears are tracking down his cheeks already and he remembers, keenly, the need to cry on his last birthday.
The moment when he'd known, when he'd understood. When he'd learned Elfangor was his father, when he'd understood why he'd needed to grow up alone, with such a difficult life.
When the hand sinks into his hair, it's a catalyst. He falls forward, a quiet sob lifting from his throat as he presses himself to his father, clings to him.] "I needed to see it," [The whisper is rough, and one of his arms ends up over Matt, too, as he holds onto the only real family he's ever known, ever had. He'd never thought of his Uncle and Aunt as family, not really.
But Elfangor was everything a father should be. He was convinced of that now. For all his flaws and problems, Elfangor was still strong, still cared. It drew the tears and the pain of never knowing him to the surface, and he cries like a small child, because he can't bring himself to express his feelings with words.]
[Matt wakes up enough to feel intensely out of place, like he's intruding on something that really ought to be just for Elfangor and Tobias.
Then Tobias includes him, unexpectedly.
Matt could count on one hand the times he's cried since he was a kid (one of them, notably, here, when he almost thought he might not ever do anything else), and he doesn't know what to do with it, but he sees, or thinks he does, that this is a breaking of tension Tobias needs. And he feels his own throat tighten at the thought that somehow, they've made a family, a home, like Matt's never had before.
He shifts so he can touch both of them, puts an arm around Tobias, leans his head on Elfangor's shoulder, and he might have to blink fast, a few times, before he can trust his voice enough to speak without it wavering.]
It's part of who you are. I-- We-- [No, he can't speak for Tobias, and the kid barely knows his dad yet; and Matt's still blushing, but he has to say it.]
I don't love you anyway, you know. There's no anyway at all, I. I just love you.
[Something tightens in Elfangor's chest--a feeling too nebulous to put in a single word, but it's certainty and comfort and safety, and the fierce need to protect, as he pulls Tobias up onto the bed so he can hold him through the tears,] Sssh, it's okay, everything's okay now.
[He laces his fingers with Matt's, pressed to his chest, over his heart, steady and abiding as the beat, and he exhales softly, the dream no longer a weight on his mind. This aspect of himself seemed a curse when observing it himself, but Matt says it so calmly, so matter-of-factly and without judgment, and he feels the tears threatening to spill. He fears he'll choke on the words if he tries to speak aloud, so Elfangor says silently, privately,] < Mail... love you, so much. >
[Tobias is grateful, grateful that he can be human for this, to hold with arms and hands and cry the tears that he needed to cry, because he understands now. He can't hold it against Elfangor, not knowing this.
That he was so important to anyone, anyone at all was a marvel.] "I.." [He hiccups, because he's still crying, still trying to push it down and let it overwhelm him at the same time.] "I'm okay," [Because he doesn't really know how to articulate what he's feeling, he's never said the words before, the ones Matt seems to say so easily.] "And... it's we."
[He manages a wet smile, looking to them both and not willing to pull his arms away from either of them to wipe the tears and snot from his face.] "It's we." [Because how can he not love someone, when it's so obvious that they love him? It's so wonderful it hurts, and it's all he can do to bury his face in Elfagor's chest and let the tears shake him.]
[Matt smiles, even if Tobias can't see it, his heart feeling so full that tears almost threaten again. He knows the words will be hard for him to say; it took Matt long enough. And he knows why. Maybe, he thinks, he knows it better than Elfangor. It's hard to trust it, feeling like you belong, when it's not something you've ever felt. You don't want to shove the gift away, but you can't help but be wary. For me? Really?
This home, this belonging, he's still not sure what he did to deserve it, and he thinks, far from the first time, that he'd fight for it. Wants to fight for it, for the feel of Elfangor's warm skin and steady heartbeat under his palm, and everything it means that Matt can be like this with anyone; for Tobias whom he barely knows, but already wants to protect.]
But that was before, he insists, firmly. Before, a lifetime ago. Before he met Tobias for the first (and by that timeline, last) time, had the chance to give him the weapon he'd needed by being in the right place at the right time. It hadn't been until then that he'd seen how necessary his absence had been, and he still hated it, but he at least could see why.
And afterward, when he came here, to this world...
He clutches at Matt's arm wrapped around him, all the more tightly.
How can he regret the past, when it brought him here?]
Sorry, I'm sorry... you. [It is still hard to speak through the knot in his throat.] Neither of you should have had to see that.
[He reaches out, tousles Tobias's hair, unsure what the right sort of gesture is for this. But touch is a comfort; he knows this much, as he tries to sink back into the warmth of Matt beside him, waiting for the wisps of lingering dream to be chased away.]
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The moment when he'd known, when he'd understood. When he'd learned Elfangor was his father, when he'd understood why he'd needed to grow up alone, with such a difficult life.
When the hand sinks into his hair, it's a catalyst. He falls forward, a quiet sob lifting from his throat as he presses himself to his father, clings to him.] "I needed to see it," [The whisper is rough, and one of his arms ends up over Matt, too, as he holds onto the only real family he's ever known, ever had. He'd never thought of his Uncle and Aunt as family, not really.
But Elfangor was everything a father should be. He was convinced of that now. For all his flaws and problems, Elfangor was still strong, still cared. It drew the tears and the pain of never knowing him to the surface, and he cries like a small child, because he can't bring himself to express his feelings with words.]
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Then Tobias includes him, unexpectedly.
Matt could count on one hand the times he's cried since he was a kid (one of them, notably, here, when he almost thought he might not ever do anything else), and he doesn't know what to do with it, but he sees, or thinks he does, that this is a breaking of tension Tobias needs. And he feels his own throat tighten at the thought that somehow, they've made a family, a home, like Matt's never had before.
He shifts so he can touch both of them, puts an arm around Tobias, leans his head on Elfangor's shoulder, and he might have to blink fast, a few times, before he can trust his voice enough to speak without it wavering.]
It's part of who you are. I-- We-- [No, he can't speak for Tobias, and the kid barely knows his dad yet; and Matt's still blushing, but he has to say it.]
I don't love you anyway, you know. There's no anyway at all, I. I just love you.
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[He laces his fingers with Matt's, pressed to his chest, over his heart, steady and abiding as the beat, and he exhales softly, the dream no longer a weight on his mind. This aspect of himself seemed a curse when observing it himself, but Matt says it so calmly, so matter-of-factly and without judgment, and he feels the tears threatening to spill. He fears he'll choke on the words if he tries to speak aloud, so Elfangor says silently, privately,] < Mail... love you, so much. >
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That he was so important to anyone, anyone at all was a marvel.] "I.." [He hiccups, because he's still crying, still trying to push it down and let it overwhelm him at the same time.] "I'm okay," [Because he doesn't really know how to articulate what he's feeling, he's never said the words before, the ones Matt seems to say so easily.] "And... it's we."
[He manages a wet smile, looking to them both and not willing to pull his arms away from either of them to wipe the tears and snot from his face.] "It's we." [Because how can he not love someone, when it's so obvious that they love him? It's so wonderful it hurts, and it's all he can do to bury his face in Elfagor's chest and let the tears shake him.]
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[Matt smiles, even if Tobias can't see it, his heart feeling so full that tears almost threaten again. He knows the words will be hard for him to say; it took Matt long enough. And he knows why. Maybe, he thinks, he knows it better than Elfangor. It's hard to trust it, feeling like you belong, when it's not something you've ever felt. You don't want to shove the gift away, but you can't help but be wary. For me? Really?
This home, this belonging, he's still not sure what he did to deserve it, and he thinks, far from the first time, that he'd fight for it. Wants to fight for it, for the feel of Elfangor's warm skin and steady heartbeat under his palm, and everything it means that Matt can be like this with anyone; for Tobias whom he barely knows, but already wants to protect.]
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