[ Backdated Dream ] Week Seventeen, Day Three [ walk a day in my shoes ]
She sits there, in that cell, darkened by night, her back to you.
There is something about that posture, those clothes that strikes your core. Your heart breaks to see it. It would be easy, something dark whispers. You could easily destroy the cage that holds her, take her and run off to the real world. Surely her life is much more important than the titles you bear, the proof of your lineage. You could protect her from everything, everyone. Is that not your duty to her?
Laws must be kept.
Do not disobey the law.
Rules exist for a reason.
As much as your hand itches to reach for your sword, you cannot. You stand and watch, like a helpless child, praying beyond hope that you can fix this. You can save her and you need not disgrace your family, your division to do so. Just a little longer, you think. A little longer and she will be free to walk beside you once more, free, happy, no longer burdened by the things that come with being with you.
No words come. You cannot say anything... you have no right to. This silence, a heavy weight around you, is perhaps the only thing that helps you keep that resolve to follow the law, the proper way of handling this. You can hear that voice so loudly because of it, the voice that reasons that you are powerful enough to prevent anything more.
How can you say anything anyway? You, who did nothing to stop this. Who helped them, even though it felt as if a thousand hot swords pierced you to claim that it didn't matter. That worry, that guilt, it all disappears when there's a chance someone is listening, that there is a chance there are others who might see your walls breaking. This is for your benefit, her benefit, everyone's benefit because if someone knows you're faltering, they will stop you.
Maintain order.
Protect the laws.
Eschew emotion.
It's better that way. If you pretend you don't feel, that you don't care, that you will do everything you are asked as you stand under the orders of the Gotei 13, then there is nothing they can do. They can't take her away from you.
[ Renji.
Renji and Rukia, words floating out into the corridor, so lively, despite the situation.
She makes fun of those eyebrows, shows something other than quiet despair. He retaliates. She is on one side of the bars--same as her--and he on the other. ]
Your eyes connect. Her lips move, a hushed apology. That gleam in her eye, one that says 'I understand', even though there is nothing to understand...
You can look no longer. You turn, the flutter of that haori belying its weight upon your shoulders and you leave her there.
Do not turn around.
Do not linger on these feelings.
They are useless to one such as you.
---
You don't know when it was you lost faith. Perhaps it was the sound of laughter as the law looked down upon you, you who had given everything to the law, you who had protected that law. Maybe it was when a single word reached your ears, that denial of your greatest wish. Or... or maybe it was when you saw them take her away, to lock her in that cell and a part of you knew that this would be the way it would turn out. There is no more faith to be had.
Here, in the dark, in this prison you have made for yourself, four walls you can walk freely through, so long as you are proper and obedient, so long as you do not disgrace the name that has been handed to you. And never have you done anything to be free of it. Because here you are most powerful. You will have what you want.
I shall follow you, wherever it is you may go.
You do not turn. You allow the voice to settle in, knowing the owner of that voice is kneeling, bowing to you and your will.
"Even if I were to question all that we defend?" Your words don't come easy, even if that sound like it.
That silence seems to last an eternity, neither side giving way. This silence is like a blanket of the sun's warm rays, beautiful, so welcome. It is most familiar to you, the least tense thing about this.
I wish for the sky to clear, Master.
You show no sign you are listening, but the faintest twitch in your fingers that feel numb.
"I don't expect to win," you say.
You don't need to. I will defend you. Do what you must do and I shall be your shield.
It never occurs to you to ask for that aid--
[ Renji lies, wounded, tended to by friends. His wounds are severe. His body is battered. His fight has been rough.
'To prison', you order them. 'If one insists going into battle alone, he shouldn't lose.'
You turn.
You leave him.
Let him suffer the consequences for ignoring orders. ]
--it would serve no purpose. To drag another down this steep path covered in rocks and glass, to what can be known as death is a crime you will not add. It is your burden alone. What you wish to do, what you will do, is perhaps the worst law one can break within Soul Society. Treason is a death sentence, a sentence, you will carry alone.
It does not scare you. You remain tall, proud. The odds are always against you. Such is the price to pay for feeling, for caring for someone you have no business caring for.
Laws are important
But she is more important.
You will die.
Then I shall accept my fate gracefully.
All for one girl?
For her, I would die a thousand deaths to spare her one.
"... come."
---
In your wake are fallen bodies, fellow shinigami. Sixth division, eighth division, second and third. None are discriminated against. Any that stand in your way must be dealt with, swiftly and quietly. Nothing will stop you. You must do this.
Not a drop of blood is spilled. Your sword is never drawn. You slip through, a phantom, silent in your attacks. Behind your opponents, blows hard and fast, only strong enough to render them unconscious, fewer that stand in your way. There is no need for senseless murder. It is enough you're betraying them. The should at least walk away with their lives.
[ Fallen shinigami. Rikichi on the ground, felled by the traitor.
Blood is not spilled. They are alive. Killing them is not the intent.
This is the report. This is what you use when you go to head him off and deliver him his punishment. ]
They blur together. The buildings, the streets, the faces. You cannot stop. You have no right to apologize. Your selfishness has taken hold and you will do anything, anything for that single, selfish wish that has propelled your feet forward. There are no sounds but the whipping of air. Not even your heart beat, not even your breath. They are non-existent, unimportant. All that matters is what waits for you.
The bridge--
[ Renji runs down the path of the bridge, escaped from prison, disappeared and reappeared with fire in his eyes.
You stand silently, knowing where he is headed. As he runs, you watch and you wonder 'what is worth your life, Renji? why do you seek death for one who has been branded for execution?' ]
--is clear, except for one shinigami, hair like a flaming beacon, like a single light flickering in the darkness.
"Taichou... what are you doing?"
You have no answer for him. It's obvious and Renji is not nearly as stupid as he looks. He already knows.
"How can you do this?"
Again, you have no answer. There isn't a single reason you can come up with worthy of being listened to. It's right for you, and you feel it is right for her, but that doesn't explain why you are betraying those who wear the haori, those of your house, those subordinates who followed you, who trusted in you and what your division stood for. It is cowardly, to try and use words to pretty up something so ugly as betrayal.
"Say something!"
"I have nothing to say. Stand aside, Renji."
But his hand tightens on his sword and he grits his teeth. "Not even why? Don't you think we deserve to know, Taichou?"
"..." Why. Why is such a troublesome word. "Move, or I will cut through you."
[ He stands there, fire in his eyes. "If you won't let me pass, I'll just have to cut you and go!" Those words roar, like an animal angered, like a fire blazing. ]
No fire. Simply ice and darkness, empty of everything. Lie to him. Lie to yourself. It is much better, this way.
"Fine..." He seethes, widening his stance, preparing himself for attack. "If you won't tell me on your own, I'll make you!"
That fire manifests, bright and burning against the late morning sky. It touches your skin, sends fire coursing through your blood. For the first time since you made this decision, you touch your blade and prepare for battle. A battle that is unnecessary. It will end quickly, you promise. There is no time. You have to go. She is waiting for you.
In an instant, the world is narrowed. Renji is your only opponent, the only one you have to defeat. He is the single hurdle for you to cross in this fool's errand you've embarked on and as his fire meets you, as the red shines brightly against your eyes, you meet it with your own fire, your own resolve. His blood will fall and you will step over him, cross the threshold and save the only thing that matters. You will show him the price for standing in your way.
[ This pressure is heavy. It only continues to increase. His fire glows in the darkness as that word is spoken, the one word that can end it all. It is cold and destructive and he watches with those eyes, eyes that are still holding hope, still bear that fire of rebellion.
Another word, three to be exact, and the air calms. It is still. And then, in the next second, there is blood. It reaches for the sky. ]
A clash.
And that fire still burns, painful, hot, tearing with its claws at your skin, ripping it from muscle and bone.
There is blood and there are sounds, sounds of pain, almost screams.
You don't know whose they are.
You don't know where they came from.
All you feel is suffocation.
All you see is darkness.
All you smell... is death.
[ooc: Posted late, but here it is! The begin of the body swap.]
There is something about that posture, those clothes that strikes your core. Your heart breaks to see it. It would be easy, something dark whispers. You could easily destroy the cage that holds her, take her and run off to the real world. Surely her life is much more important than the titles you bear, the proof of your lineage. You could protect her from everything, everyone. Is that not your duty to her?
Laws must be kept.
Do not disobey the law.
Rules exist for a reason.
As much as your hand itches to reach for your sword, you cannot. You stand and watch, like a helpless child, praying beyond hope that you can fix this. You can save her and you need not disgrace your family, your division to do so. Just a little longer, you think. A little longer and she will be free to walk beside you once more, free, happy, no longer burdened by the things that come with being with you.
No words come. You cannot say anything... you have no right to. This silence, a heavy weight around you, is perhaps the only thing that helps you keep that resolve to follow the law, the proper way of handling this. You can hear that voice so loudly because of it, the voice that reasons that you are powerful enough to prevent anything more.
How can you say anything anyway? You, who did nothing to stop this. Who helped them, even though it felt as if a thousand hot swords pierced you to claim that it didn't matter. That worry, that guilt, it all disappears when there's a chance someone is listening, that there is a chance there are others who might see your walls breaking. This is for your benefit, her benefit, everyone's benefit because if someone knows you're faltering, they will stop you.
Maintain order.
Protect the laws.
Eschew emotion.
It's better that way. If you pretend you don't feel, that you don't care, that you will do everything you are asked as you stand under the orders of the Gotei 13, then there is nothing they can do. They can't take her away from you.
[ Renji.
Renji and Rukia, words floating out into the corridor, so lively, despite the situation.
She makes fun of those eyebrows, shows something other than quiet despair. He retaliates. She is on one side of the bars--same as her--and he on the other. ]
Your eyes connect. Her lips move, a hushed apology. That gleam in her eye, one that says 'I understand', even though there is nothing to understand...
You can look no longer. You turn, the flutter of that haori belying its weight upon your shoulders and you leave her there.
Do not turn around.
Do not linger on these feelings.
They are useless to one such as you.
---
You don't know when it was you lost faith. Perhaps it was the sound of laughter as the law looked down upon you, you who had given everything to the law, you who had protected that law. Maybe it was when a single word reached your ears, that denial of your greatest wish. Or... or maybe it was when you saw them take her away, to lock her in that cell and a part of you knew that this would be the way it would turn out. There is no more faith to be had.
Here, in the dark, in this prison you have made for yourself, four walls you can walk freely through, so long as you are proper and obedient, so long as you do not disgrace the name that has been handed to you. And never have you done anything to be free of it. Because here you are most powerful. You will have what you want.
I shall follow you, wherever it is you may go.
You do not turn. You allow the voice to settle in, knowing the owner of that voice is kneeling, bowing to you and your will.
"Even if I were to question all that we defend?" Your words don't come easy, even if that sound like it.
That silence seems to last an eternity, neither side giving way. This silence is like a blanket of the sun's warm rays, beautiful, so welcome. It is most familiar to you, the least tense thing about this.
I wish for the sky to clear, Master.
You show no sign you are listening, but the faintest twitch in your fingers that feel numb.
"I don't expect to win," you say.
You don't need to. I will defend you. Do what you must do and I shall be your shield.
It never occurs to you to ask for that aid--
[ Renji lies, wounded, tended to by friends. His wounds are severe. His body is battered. His fight has been rough.
'To prison', you order them. 'If one insists going into battle alone, he shouldn't lose.'
You turn.
You leave him.
Let him suffer the consequences for ignoring orders. ]
--it would serve no purpose. To drag another down this steep path covered in rocks and glass, to what can be known as death is a crime you will not add. It is your burden alone. What you wish to do, what you will do, is perhaps the worst law one can break within Soul Society. Treason is a death sentence, a sentence, you will carry alone.
It does not scare you. You remain tall, proud. The odds are always against you. Such is the price to pay for feeling, for caring for someone you have no business caring for.
Laws are important
But she is more important.
You will die.
Then I shall accept my fate gracefully.
All for one girl?
For her, I would die a thousand deaths to spare her one.
"... come."
---
In your wake are fallen bodies, fellow shinigami. Sixth division, eighth division, second and third. None are discriminated against. Any that stand in your way must be dealt with, swiftly and quietly. Nothing will stop you. You must do this.
Not a drop of blood is spilled. Your sword is never drawn. You slip through, a phantom, silent in your attacks. Behind your opponents, blows hard and fast, only strong enough to render them unconscious, fewer that stand in your way. There is no need for senseless murder. It is enough you're betraying them. The should at least walk away with their lives.
[ Fallen shinigami. Rikichi on the ground, felled by the traitor.
Blood is not spilled. They are alive. Killing them is not the intent.
This is the report. This is what you use when you go to head him off and deliver him his punishment. ]
They blur together. The buildings, the streets, the faces. You cannot stop. You have no right to apologize. Your selfishness has taken hold and you will do anything, anything for that single, selfish wish that has propelled your feet forward. There are no sounds but the whipping of air. Not even your heart beat, not even your breath. They are non-existent, unimportant. All that matters is what waits for you.
The bridge--
[ Renji runs down the path of the bridge, escaped from prison, disappeared and reappeared with fire in his eyes.
You stand silently, knowing where he is headed. As he runs, you watch and you wonder 'what is worth your life, Renji? why do you seek death for one who has been branded for execution?' ]
--is clear, except for one shinigami, hair like a flaming beacon, like a single light flickering in the darkness.
"Taichou... what are you doing?"
You have no answer for him. It's obvious and Renji is not nearly as stupid as he looks. He already knows.
"How can you do this?"
Again, you have no answer. There isn't a single reason you can come up with worthy of being listened to. It's right for you, and you feel it is right for her, but that doesn't explain why you are betraying those who wear the haori, those of your house, those subordinates who followed you, who trusted in you and what your division stood for. It is cowardly, to try and use words to pretty up something so ugly as betrayal.
"Say something!"
"I have nothing to say. Stand aside, Renji."
But his hand tightens on his sword and he grits his teeth. "Not even why? Don't you think we deserve to know, Taichou?"
"..." Why. Why is such a troublesome word. "Move, or I will cut through you."
[ He stands there, fire in his eyes. "If you won't let me pass, I'll just have to cut you and go!" Those words roar, like an animal angered, like a fire blazing. ]
No fire. Simply ice and darkness, empty of everything. Lie to him. Lie to yourself. It is much better, this way.
"Fine..." He seethes, widening his stance, preparing himself for attack. "If you won't tell me on your own, I'll make you!"
That fire manifests, bright and burning against the late morning sky. It touches your skin, sends fire coursing through your blood. For the first time since you made this decision, you touch your blade and prepare for battle. A battle that is unnecessary. It will end quickly, you promise. There is no time. You have to go. She is waiting for you.
In an instant, the world is narrowed. Renji is your only opponent, the only one you have to defeat. He is the single hurdle for you to cross in this fool's errand you've embarked on and as his fire meets you, as the red shines brightly against your eyes, you meet it with your own fire, your own resolve. His blood will fall and you will step over him, cross the threshold and save the only thing that matters. You will show him the price for standing in your way.
[ This pressure is heavy. It only continues to increase. His fire glows in the darkness as that word is spoken, the one word that can end it all. It is cold and destructive and he watches with those eyes, eyes that are still holding hope, still bear that fire of rebellion.
Another word, three to be exact, and the air calms. It is still. And then, in the next second, there is blood. It reaches for the sky. ]
A clash.
And that fire still burns, painful, hot, tearing with its claws at your skin, ripping it from muscle and bone.
There is blood and there are sounds, sounds of pain, almost screams.
You don't know whose they are.
You don't know where they came from.
All you feel is suffocation.
All you see is darkness.
All you smell... is death.
[ooc: Posted late, but here it is! The begin of the body swap.]