[Week 15| Day 1 around midnight, at the end of NMW] Memories of You
[ At first, there is nothing more than silence, not uncomfortable, yet filled with a quiet sense of dreaded anticipation. Like the way the wind seems to die down as the storm clouds build, dark and ominous, to leave you standing in the middle of that field with baited breath, waiting for permission to breathe once again.
And after what feels like forever, that first faded visage makes himself known, bringing the gentle caress of a breeze to glide over your face and tease silken strands along pale skin.
One after another, young and old, loved and tolerated. Grandfather, father, uncle…mother.
Generations of Shimizu standing before you, dark eyes somber with the weight of judgment, silent in their verdict, and the only thing you can do is stand there under the burden of their gaze, feel the shackles of your choices settle upon your shoulders, the weight of guilt second-nature by now…
…But it is a guilt lightened by acceptance of the mistakes of the past - theirs and yours.
The breeze shifts, warm as it buffets against your being, whipping around you and grabbing at your clothes, yet you do not budge. You simply stand there facing your past, face shame with understanding, anger with forgiveness(for them and yourself), disappointment with understanding, and despair with hope, until all that is left is a humble pride for what your clan once was, for the steadfast way they’d tried to stand guard over that line, to protect those that cleaved to the dark shadows of Nabari and keep them safely hidden from the ignorant world around them.
A breath, and the wind seems to pause, to breathe with you as you slowly, so slowly, lower your head and offer those before you a deep bow, nothing but acceptance and forgiveness in the lines of your body.
Slowly you release the breath, dark eyes closing as you offer a silent prayer that they each find some measure of peace before snapping open in shock at the feel of a frail hand on your shoulder, a contrast to the strong slender fingers that carded so very gently through loose pink locks before the ghost of a kiss touched your brow.
Forgiveness you hope, before you find yourself falling inside the black, alone.
It’s a shock, sometime later when awareness finds you again, only for you to realize your kneeling on cool unforgiving stone, blind in the darkness. Panic tries to set in and you struggle with yourself, try to center yourself. Rough ragged breaths slowly give way to deeper ones, calm and even, until each breath fills yours lungs and your mind is settled once again.
It is only then that the faint traces of light near blind you, thin and coaxing. The mingled red and gold threads shimmering before you, illuminating just enough for you to see the rough-hewn steps spiral down into the darkness.
There’s nothing else. No doors, no windows, no ceiling to be seen and so you push up to standing and draw a steadying breath before taking that first step.
Your steps, usually so silent, echo faintly off the walls, almost as if to mock or mark your progress as you spiral slowly deeper along this hidden path, guided by the alternating pulses within the walls. Gold to the inside curve of the walls, red along the outer, when the latter suddenly flares to life, as if to reveal a window.
Yet this window does not look out, but in and for a moment you can only stare as you watch yourself stretch languidly, like a contented cat save for the rage blazing white-hot in your eyes.
“I’m sorry, did you say something Yoite-kun?” You continue to watch, face impassive as he stutters a no and coughs up a fistful of blood, tries to hide his face behind a dirty glove when faced with your arrogant dismissal.
It was this sight combined with the ghost memory of the bright ring of sincerity in Gau’s voice as he proclaimed the desire to help this boy that had softened your heart then.
You remember, don’t you? The way your anger and rage at his blunt words had tempered to a real concern, warmed your frigid gaze as you fumbled your way through an attempt at reassurance, then ran to this very boy and prostrated yourself before him to ask forgiveness. Did he know back then that this was the first time you’d ever done such a thing? Does he realize he deserved the show of sincerity and respect? Did you deserve that first tentative attempt by this frail boy when he not only allowed you to hug him, but made that first heartbreaking reach out for you to do so?
It felt right after that, when that protective resolved strengthened your heart even as your arms cradled his comatose form close with each step out of Himorogi.
The memory flickers and fades from stone, yet the remembered moment lingers in your mind as you begin to follow the path once again, a small frown pulling at your lips. Because unlike before...there is dread in your heart now, tinged with what could only be resigned acceptance.]
What is…could this…why now?
[Russet eyes cut over from one side of the wall to the other and back, watching, waiting as you step down the spiraling staircase. Your eyes linger on the opposite wall, almost as if expecting...something...from the opposite side.
But no - the next time the light flares, it's further along the same thread and this time...it's not exactly something you expect.
This time, you can see yourself above another, hands trapping wrists and a wicked smile on your lips at the sight of the blush gracing that scarred face. Rich umber eyes are staring up at you and your voice...you shiver at the sound, the remembered temptation of that moment.
“Ah…but you like what you see, don’t you, Iruka-san? You’re curious…you want to know if I can do more than hint and tease, or make you loose that formidable control…”
He (you) starts to lean in and you hold your breath, watch as the distance between the two disappear only to be stopped by a steady hand on your chest (and you remember now, the feel of calloused fingertips brushing against skin, that amusing look of mingled want and reproach in his eyes.)
"Raikou, get off me."
And you do. You pull back away from the other man with a fluid grace, carefully, so as to not breach the other's personal space any further as you rise to your feet and calmly adjusted the yukata as you start for Iruka's bedroom door. He paused before stepping out to glance over his shoulder, dark eyes tinged with amusement. "Kakashi-san is a lucky man to get to wake up with you, looking as you do, handsome. Forgive me if I've offended...a display of attraction does not mean disrespect."
A blush now, as you stand there watching the empty spot where the memory had unfolded, an interesting mix of remembered attraction for the man you dared call friend and surprisingly...shame. Because you said you meant no disrespect, and yet disrespect is what you gave then when you should have been focused on your friend - Yoite, who'd just awakened as an adult once again, traumatized that he'd fallen asleep with the child Raikou had been the day before.
(And Iruka's gone now, you remember. Beyond your reach to ask forgiveness or apologize your transgression.)
A soft sigh escapes you and you wonder about this path, unsure if you want to see what else lies ahead...
Yet step you do, shoulders back and eyes wary - only to be caught not but a few steps further on a laugh as you watched your partner drag a familiar white-haired boy through a field towards you, indignant verdant eyes flashing and the attempt of angry lecture falling from his lips.
Amusement and a sharp possessive jealousy war within you so that by the time they reach you, you can smile and nod as you rap Gau upside the head then reach out to break that innocent contact between hand and wrist.
And just to prove a point - that this teen is yours you set aside your usual reserve without thought or hesitation and lean in to brush a teasing little kiss near the edge of Gau's lips.
"So you're Gau's partner then?"
You watch your eyes cut over to Allen, bright with the understanding that this little display has made the other young man quite uncomfortable, much to your amusement - and the subtle threat of your hand resting on the hilt of your gamon should he object...
(What were you thinking, really? Are you really that insecure of Gau's devotion, to feel the need to threaten a stranger?)
"How very astute of you, Walker-san. Yes, Gau and I are in fact partners. Now… while I appreciate you helping Gau with my things, let me take that off your hands."
Another memory fades out and all you can really do is shake your head at your own stupidity. Allen was a patient man indeed, to put up with such from a perfect stranger...
More steps and you're beginning to wonder at the purpose of that golden thread, as it hasn't done anything aside from provide a soft illumination for the steps you take, when memory flickers white bright in the sun's warmth of a beautiful afternoon.
And you can only stand there with a mild sense of bemusement as you watch yourself strip down to jeans and crouch low beside Iruka on a rock at a lake - though bemusement gives way to disbelief at your own boldness as you smile that smile.
"When I take you~, I can break you~, GO!"
A race then, swift and strong between you two, the stakes raised double or nothing to a kiss before you return. And when you win...
You remember the thrill of taunting Iruka, teasing yourself with the way you step in bodies barely brushing as you reach up to pull the water darkened sable locks off Iruka’s neck, russet eyes never leaving umber ones…until you lean forward and place a wet, open-mouthed kiss just below Iruka’s ear, with only a hint of tongue flicking against golden skin as you suck the water off gently.
And for a moment, you don't pay attention to the memory, at least not that part. Not even when the silver-haired man appears to crouch on the surface of the water before you both, the boyfriend coming to guard what's his.
All you can seem to focus on is the hurt and confusion you can see when you look at Gau, the insecurity and fear of rejection in his green-green eyes.
"...I was such an arrogant fool, Gau."
This is a memory you do not linger over - one that so far of all the ones you've seen - elicits the greatest sense of self-reprimand and shame at your own actions. Actions that strained two friendships and hurt your most precious person.
And when your steps bring you deeper still, and a new one cycles to the stone's surface, you don't want to look. You really don't want to look except--
"No...whats scandalous is getting off in our home with our friend, while I'm there, a few rooms over, Gau."
You flinch at the coolness of your own voice and glance up watch as your partner flounders through an attempt at an explanation that only seems to fan the flames of your own anger. Anger that is not spared Gau this time as you cut through his attempt at justification. You watch in dismay as you slam the door to a house (that’s right, your house. You were the one to find it and bring Yoite there, then Gau, and for a time even Miharu).
"Back to the 'san' now, hm? Why? Because I said something you didn't like? Are you truly incapable of standing before me without bowing to me, Gau?"
"There it is, Raikou, give me that. Finally. Everything I don't have, have never had of you."
The words come out soft, but firm, as he meets your own gaze. "Is that what it takes, Raikou? Calling you '-san' and letting someone else touch me? Is that what it takes to make you open up?"
You can see the tension in your frame, feel that control you always pride yourself on hanging by a thread and watch with baited breath as you warn softly, "Do not play that game with me Gau. Do not push these buttons, not now. Not unless you want to be treated like them, as nothing to me but a moment's entertainment. You have never been that, not once, but you are treading a very... dangerous... line."
There is a moments pause, and you watch as your body fairly trembles with the restraint, the almost desperate need to hold back and keep Gau from seeing this side of you.
"It's never been about opening up, you fool. It's always been about protecting you from the worst of me, because you don't deserve it...and you sure as hell aren't ready to handle it."
"That's what... that's why... the thing with Yoite, that was his worst, his thing he was most afraid of. And he shared it with me. But you... you don't share those parts with me."
You watch as he squares his shoulders and looks up at you, doesn’t back down. "Is this how it goes, Raikou? Should I go back to hiding the worst of me, too? Should I hide my possessiveness away again? Watch you leave with someone else and say nothing, over and over? Should I?"
"Because Yoite's worst is still an innocence I've never fucking had, Gau! I can't offer you anything sweet or naive or unsure like that, can I? You - neither of you were born into Nabari, were you? You were both dragged in by someone who didn't deserve-- I've had blood on my hands since I was nine, do you realize that? By the time I was your age, I'd killed every damned member of my own flesh and blood save her and been killing ninja for that man for over a year. Gods dammit!"
Quick as a flash, you watch as you pin your partner to the wall, and you remember - the feel of his body caught between you and the wall, the want and desire and a fear of hurting this person, of destroying the last visages of innocence he possess so very sharp it’s near enough to drive you to your knees as you shout with an angry desperation, “Do you even realize what the hell you're asking for?!"
A gasp as you jerk away from the memory and sink to your knees on the steps, the rest of the memory there, remembered without detail as you try in vain to reign in the tumult of emotions raging in that moment. Little flashes, teasing glimpses, the feel of that first frenetic kiss, the almost desperate passion that tempered down into something softer, the kunai lodged into the frame of the door to keep Yoite and Miharu out, gods above his touch…
A tremble wracks your frame as you struggle to come to terms with this knowledge, this potent memory that has the ability to both bring you to your knees and give you hope until you can draw a breath and push unsteadily to your feet and trudge on.
Thus, it’s a surprise when the golden light flickers. You glance up and stop, staring in disbelief as you watch Gau burst into the clearing where you’re waiting. And this one you already know - it’s the day you arrived.
You watch and laugh a little now at your reaction to that kiss, because you’d enjoyed it hadn’t you? It had confused you and your body, if not your mind, had recognized the taste and feel of such a kiss…
Right before your mind overruled all else, overriding the passion of your heart. You can’t recall the last time you’d felt such rage and anger, the thought that someone was attempting to impersonate your partner in such a low-brow way had you reaching for a blade and wanting their blood.
Then…the sweet scent of flowers, and a calm tranquility that was soul deep. It entranced you just as much now as it did then and after what seemed like a moment of forever, you watch as your entire being seems to…forget.
“Gau! I’ve been looking for you, you know. You’ve really had me quite worried.”
Both of you watch, almost detached as the teen steps close enough to rest his head against your shoulder, sighs out softly, “Yeah, I’m right here.”
“I told you, didn't I? Before we went to Hattori...I told you that you must stay by my side - to stay where your hands, voice, or eyes could find me. When I woke up here, alone...I thought Kasa had gotten to you. I thought I'd failed you.”
You start at the words and stare - because they’re your words but not. You said them, can clearly remember that afternoon. You’d been fighting with Yukimi, trying to stop him from going after Yoite to stop your friend and mentor from turning into a traitor as well, only to begin questioning your own place at Hattori’s side. To realize that his justice was nothing more than a false veneer. You remember telling Gau that because you wanted to keep him safe, because you knew…the bid for freedom you were going to attempt was one that would not be granted or taken easily…
And yet, that is not what happened.
No - you’d sent him with Yoite and stayed behind. You’d knelt before Hattori and awaited your punishment and asked clemency for Gau - to let your own death be punishment enough so that Gau could leave the world of Nabari.
You shake your head, both hands raised to clutch at your temples as the memories clash and vie for their place, muttering, “Failed you regardless, either way…”
You were always the harshest judge of your own actions, weren't you? That hasn't really changed...though it has begun to soften as you learn forgiveness. Slowly, but then change is slow...
Another breath and you drop your hands, set out once more down this seemingly endless staircase, unsure now, which side will grace you with a memory.
Red then as a man you barely remember flickers into being on the wall beside you.
Blond, well older than you and looking quite shaken, though its obvious he's trying to hide it. He even attempts a smile, if only a little one. "I don't know how you people live with this, having you dreams so public. I don't know if I can live with it, knowing peoples inner most thoughts while having your own subjected to pubic scrutiny. You'd think it would drive you mad... It must at least make relationships between people awkward, strained."
You watch as he seems to search for an explanation or justification, listen to his words with a detached amusement.
" Sharon had, has balance in her life. She has friends-- me, Sam, Tony, her family. She had a life outside of the job. It's just that the job means a lot to her; defending her country means a lot to her."
"It makes keeping all of one's dirty little secrets hard, that's for sure. Besides, most of the people here aren't exactly poster-childen for the mentally stable to begin with." You pause and tuck pink strands behind your ear as you offer the man a thoughtful look.
"Obviously, if it meant more than the life growing within her. I'm...it seems a terrible loss for you."
Such cruel words delivered with such a compassionate lilt. When did you turn into such a bastard?
"Well I, I suppose I wouldn't have made that great of a father anyways." With a shrug he continues, "During the war, I had a partner who I thought of as a son, and look where that got him- Blown into the Arctic ocean, kid named by the Russians and his arm blown off. Not a future I'd wish on anyone, that's for sure."
"Is that what you tell yourself to make the loss acceptable?"
You're smiling - why are you smiling? How did you come to be this...this...sadistic? When did you let the mask become the man?
"After all, while the child had no choice, the partner, as mine loves to remind me, was by your side through a series of choices - orders he chose to follow, loyalty he chose to give. You haven't the right to discount his own free will now do you?"
Stop smiling already you damned bastard - just stop!
"Of course I wouldn't discount it, but he didn't know better. He was a child, and didn't belong on the battlefield in the first place."
You can see - this Steve is trying so hard to maintain his composure, but you're getting to him. Slowly twisting the knife in an open wound, with no intention of stopping.
"I'm afraid, in this gods playground, you will find many of those brought here are, in fact, like him. They either are or were children on the battlefield. They inherited it, they lived in it, it's a way of life for them. If he was there, he knew the price and the cost. You belittle his sacrifice to say otherwise." As if simply stating fact, cold and frank as you watch the other, waiting...
And you weren't disappointed.
"And you, young man, shouldn't assume to know the first thing about some one you've only just met-- let alone the people in their lives, whom you certainly will never meet. It's not respectful, and downright rude."
A long pause where you affect that perfectly glazed look to your eyes before blinking to 'awareness', your tone cool and amused. "...did you say something?"
You step back in mute horror, stumbling down the next few steps at the sheer depth of your callous cruelty, shocked that you would so enjoy inflicting such emotional pain.
Physical pain, yes. That you could understand and even appreciate, but this?
This leaves you feeling sick, utterly disgusted with yourself as you stumble down a few more steps, place a hand against the wall, just above the gold thread. It's hard for a moment as you stand there, breath ragged and gasping as you try to find that calm once again.
So the last thing you want to see is that telltale flicker of another memory surfacing, revealing your own face, stoic and oddly empty as you walk through under the cover of darkness, face lit in the soft glow of the Hitomi, thought the voice that filters out is almost enough to give you pause.
"If you had any ounce of remorse, in any shape or form to those that have been victim of what you've done, and to yourself, you will find it wise to shut your mouth and exercise silence. Think, for a second, of how much damage you might be inducing by speaking the way you did to Lavi. You are a killer, a murderer, the lowest of the low. You deserve nothing but shit, yes."
This one doesn't hold back, does he? Unfortunately for him, you both are already aware of all this. And now...you wait to hear the words that you know are coming - the ones that the you of that moment didn't want to hear.
"But you are a samurai, and you have your honor and pride. So instead of wallowing in pathetic self pity and intricate speeches of how much of filthy killer you are, why don't you pull your head out of your pathetic ass and use that brain of yours and think of the two people, who you might be hurting even more at this point by acting the way you are."
And there they are. The words that push the emotions to the surface, and so you watch yourself now with eyes dulled with the remembered pain and self-recrimination.
"What honor? What pride? You and I both know, apparently, that I haven't earned the right to call myself a samurai. If anything, I've proven that I'm incapable of maintaining any measure of true balance. Hell, Gau carries more honor as a 'samurai of the Shimizu clan' then I have ever managed."
(You recall how much you didn't want him to see the tears you were trying to hold back - didn't want a witness to that weakness right then.)
"Allen was Gau's friend! He went there out of concern for Gau and I killed him. I didn't even see him. He was just an object in my way...I don't want Gau trying to take any of that guilt on. And I don't want to hurt them anymore. I'm so damned tired of hurting everyone. I don't--
You cut yourself off then and cut your gaze back away, unable to look the man in the eye.
"Maybe I want Lavi to hate me enough to..."
There's a shift then, quiet like a breeze that brings with it the light puff of cherry blossoms. It fades all away, the world, and there is only blackness. But it's not scary, not sad.
In the mirror there, it's you and not-you, and then there's a woman there. She's dressed in elegant Kimono, shades of red, rose, pink, black, white; there is life, there is beauty. There is spring anew and return.
"Raikou-san," she lilts quietly from the darkness, a smile in her tone. "Are you giving your chance away so easily?"
For a moment, Raikou can only feel relief that the memory is gone. There is no fear of the dark or the sudden shift, no sense of loss over those firey-golden lines of illumination.
Only a weary acceptance of the fact that this is not the end - that there is more to this moment that has yet to come.
And with that first brush of Being, soft and sweet with an unmistakable sense of power that overwhelms most subtly, he finds he is not disappointed.
Yet that first sight, when mortal eyes glance off his own reflection to behold a being of pure Light only before heard of through myths and legends, Raikou's eyes round impossibly wide and with a simple grace, he falls to his knees before her. Slender hands pressed flat to the ground close to the hem of her kimono before he bows deeply, forehead to the earth in unquestioning supplication.
"Forgive me, Kami-sama...but what do you mean by 'giving my chance away'? I'm afraid I--I don't understand."
And she smiles at that, prim but sweet and honest. "You weren't denied your memories of your time here before for naught, Raikou-san."
With the barest of movements, refined and delicate, she gently strokes the edge of the mirror. It flares to life in scintillating, opalescent shades to show two faces: both you, yet not. One gentle, older-looking; the other harsh, a cruel smile.
"We are not all like those running rampage in the world now. Your life is... a sad one, Raikou-san, whichever one you live. You came to us at a crossroads and took a path that was..." she doesn't falter but she trails off; smiles a little sadly over her shoulder at him. "...hurtful."
She brushes a long sleeve of her elegant kimono to the mirror rim and the image shimmers like ripples on a pond; like a blossom touched to its surface. Faces of friends, memories in merged duality until it comes down to a single image:
Merely your reflection as it is now.
"But I am not cruel, Raikou-san. You were given another chance, a rare one. A chance to see a different 'you' and choose the right path. " A pleased twinkle in her eye. "And you have. Do you understand now?"
A breeze from nowhere and everywhere wafts by and she turns slightly to face him directly, hands tucked neatly in front of her. "But true enlightenment does not come from running from yourself, either. Rise, Raikou-san. You're both the person you were but now the person you are." And she tilts her head lightly, smiling like she's sharing a secret. "It's up to you to embrace all of yourself now and continue this path."
And with that, she fades like a memory herself - or a dream.
"But who...my lady?"
Your voice is soft, not quite hesitant - more not really expecting an answer to the half question of who She is. Much less the unvoiced one of 'why me?', because you are still staring at the 'self' reflected back at you, quiet, thoughtful, as you reflect for but a moment on her words.
There's a sweet laugh like petals falling and a finally puff of spring air. "You may know me as Konohanasakuya, Raikou-san.
"Farewell."
There is surprise at that, because you've heard that name before, falling with reverence from your partner's lips. It's enough to make you smile then, and rise to your feet with a warm smile.
So much to process, almost too much, but beneath it all there is gratitude and...hope.
Maybe this time, he would get it right.
[Slowly, Raikou's eyes open and he blinks, dark eyes thoughtful as he stares into the fire. The Hitomi is sitting on the shelf behind him, angled just so to reveal the hilts of both white and gray gamons in the niche of the wall beside where he is sitting.
Back against the wall and his partner sitting before him, held with a simple tenderness that bespoke familiarity. There are dried tear-tracks on the teen's cheeks, barely seen from the way he's curled into Raikou's chest, the evidence of Gau's own grief over Yoite's death still visible.
Without thought he absently rubs a hand up and down Gau's arm, presses a kiss to the top of Gau's head before he rests his head back against the wall and stares into the fire as he reflects on everything the goddess revealed.
If he's aware that the Hitomi was recording him, he didn't show it.]