[dream 11] right before the lobotomy [week 11, day 6]
[ The following takes place over the day 5-6 night. ]
Nunnally places her hands on your face. With her eyes closed tightly to the world for years now, squeezed shut by muscles hypertensed as a result of shock (the doctors suggested that her optic nerves might have atrophied by this point), this is the only way she can see you now. Smile for me, Lelouch, she says. She sounds sad underneath her smile, her heartbreaking smile. I haven’t felt your smile in ages. Come on, Lelouch. An older brother should be able to smile for his younger sibling, right?
You can’t smile. You want to, so badly, but you can’t. I’m sorry , you say. You don’t know why you can’t. It’s Nunnally. For her you could burn down the whole world, for her sake you’ve killed and broken and built and destroyed and created, but you cannot, just somehow, inexplicably, cannot smile. You don’t know why or what is preventing you.
Nunnally’s fingers trace gently over your skin. I wanted you to smile for me, she says sadly. I just wanted you to be happy. I just wanted... Her voice trails off. You can see her lips moving, but you can’t hear her voice.
C.C.’s behind her. Look for the exit wounds, Nunnally, she says lightly, placing a hand on Nunnally’s shoulder. Try his torso. You’d have found them on his face by now. Headshots are messy. Exit wounds? Nunnally ignores her, concentrating on your face still. Her hands cup over your eyes.
Lelouch, she says, from outside the dark of your eyelids. Wait, is that her voice? Is that Nunnally? Are these her hands? Something’s... Lelouch. Lelouuuuuuuch. Wake up. Are you asleep? Wake uuuup, the voice-not-Nunnally continues, and the hands go away to reveal -
You’re so silly, Rolo says, his eyes bright with some joke, smiling quite widely. So silly, Lelouch. The kinds of things you say. Your stomach twists. Rolo. That little liar. That little fake. Let’s go home now, okay, big brother? Let’s go home. You’re tired of this place. Let’s call it quits. You and me. Brothers.
Rolo is not your brother. Rolo is a laboratory rat they’ve trained to say your name, a snake they slipped into your bed one night as a practical joke, with a paralyzing gaze and a poisonous tooth. Rolo is the daily reminder that they are in charge. They crippled Nunnally’s body to control her, but you, they had to fetter your mind. That was what made you dangerous to them, so they broke you, broke you and left you to stumble out into the world, half-blinded, half-deafened, half-dumbed and leashed to this miserable rabid dog they had the gall to pretend was a brother you’d never had. Rolo. It’s sickening. It’s fucking sick.
I’m not going anywhere with you, you say. I can’t leave.
Sure you can. You can come home with me. We can do it right now, Rolo says.
But I’m dead, you snap. I can’t go anywhere. I’m dead. You've always been dead, now you understand it. You have been dead since the day you were born, isn't that right? Nothing, meaning nothing, being nothing because you have never existed. Exit wounds, exit wounds, there’s got to be some somewhere. Around the heart, white ribs cracking open like eggshells maybe. Or a nice beautiful gut slice that nicked a kidney. Somewhere. Headshots streaming brains down your neck. There are so many ways to die. Lungs perforating. Bleeding out from any major artery you like.
No, no, no, no, no, Lelouch, you’re not dead, Rolo insists. He is almost nose-to-nose with you. No, no, you aren’t dead. Did you believe C.C. when she told you that? She’s a liar. She tells you all kinds of things. She thinks you’re Zero.
I am Zero.
Hands behind you seize your arms and pull them back, back until your sockets grind. You cry out in pain. No, Lelouch, this is really easy, Rolo explains. You’re not Zero. In fact, you’re not anyone of any particular importance. You’re Lelouch Lamperouge. You’re Rolo Lamperouge’s older brother.
You try to squirm but that only hurts worse. Where did you put Nunnally? you gasp.
I don’t know why you’d care, Rolo says. He’s not smiling anymore but he’s still speaking quite jovially. As if this is all very cute. You’re not related to Nunnally vi Britannia. I told you, you’re no one of importance.
Give Nunnally back.
Rolo’s eyes narrow. I can’t. You don’t know her. You’re very confused right now, Lelouch, he says, soothingly, reaching out and stroking a hand down your cheek. You shudder violently at the contact. Say it with me. ‘I’m not Zero.’ That’s all. You can leave after that.
Shut up.
You shouldn’t speak to your brother like that, Rolo says. He’s getting agitated. Don’t say things like that. This is your last chance, Lelouch. You’re not Zero. Say it. Suzaku can do it, didn’t he say so? You don’t need him. You don’t need that witch. You don’t need Nunnally. You just need me. I’m your only brother. Come on. You’re only making this harder for yourself.
You snarl, from the depths of your gut, with all the cold icy hatred that has been freezing at the center of you for a while now, Go to hell, Rolo. Go to hell.
Rolo’s smile is completely gone now. So is his agitation. So is his anything. He wears no particular expression. He’s not going to cooperate, he says. You can see a red spark gleaming in the center of his right eye. Take him. And don’t screw it up this time. I want his left eyeball on a necklace, you hear me?
Yes, your majesty, from somewhere behind you and you don’t have time to process this or anything, because the next thing you feel is a hand (his hand) entwining in your hair and slamming your face to the ground -
(oh no oh no oh no no no you remember this now, you remember this, you remember this, you remember splintering, you remember fracturing, you remember it like all of you being broken to pieces and run through with wire, strung up like a marionette, you remember-)
-and you scream, shriek like on that day, louder than that day: No, no, no, not again, not again, NOT AGAIN NOT THAT AGAIN NO GOD NO PLEASE NEVER AGAIN NO -
[ Lelouch jerks awake, covered in sweat, gasping huge lungfuls of air. The sun hasn’t yet risen, but the sky is brightened enough to see outside. The Hitomi shows Lelouch on the floor (because C.C. took the bed), shifting up to a sitting position and pressing his knees to his forehead. For a few seconds, he seems to have calmed down, taking deep breaths that gradually become shallower. Then, slowly, gradually, one realizes that his breathing rate is actually increasing.
He stands, suddenly, and walks out the sliding door, Hitomi left behind. The video feed records a second or two of an empty room before it cuts, presumably as the device returns to its owner. ]
Nunnally places her hands on your face. With her eyes closed tightly to the world for years now, squeezed shut by muscles hypertensed as a result of shock (the doctors suggested that her optic nerves might have atrophied by this point), this is the only way she can see you now. Smile for me, Lelouch, she says. She sounds sad underneath her smile, her heartbreaking smile. I haven’t felt your smile in ages. Come on, Lelouch. An older brother should be able to smile for his younger sibling, right?
You can’t smile. You want to, so badly, but you can’t. I’m sorry , you say. You don’t know why you can’t. It’s Nunnally. For her you could burn down the whole world, for her sake you’ve killed and broken and built and destroyed and created, but you cannot, just somehow, inexplicably, cannot smile. You don’t know why or what is preventing you.
Nunnally’s fingers trace gently over your skin. I wanted you to smile for me, she says sadly. I just wanted you to be happy. I just wanted... Her voice trails off. You can see her lips moving, but you can’t hear her voice.
C.C.’s behind her. Look for the exit wounds, Nunnally, she says lightly, placing a hand on Nunnally’s shoulder. Try his torso. You’d have found them on his face by now. Headshots are messy. Exit wounds? Nunnally ignores her, concentrating on your face still. Her hands cup over your eyes.
Lelouch, she says, from outside the dark of your eyelids. Wait, is that her voice? Is that Nunnally? Are these her hands? Something’s... Lelouch. Lelouuuuuuuch. Wake up. Are you asleep? Wake uuuup, the voice-not-Nunnally continues, and the hands go away to reveal -
You’re so silly, Rolo says, his eyes bright with some joke, smiling quite widely. So silly, Lelouch. The kinds of things you say. Your stomach twists. Rolo. That little liar. That little fake. Let’s go home now, okay, big brother? Let’s go home. You’re tired of this place. Let’s call it quits. You and me. Brothers.
Rolo is not your brother. Rolo is a laboratory rat they’ve trained to say your name, a snake they slipped into your bed one night as a practical joke, with a paralyzing gaze and a poisonous tooth. Rolo is the daily reminder that they are in charge. They crippled Nunnally’s body to control her, but you, they had to fetter your mind. That was what made you dangerous to them, so they broke you, broke you and left you to stumble out into the world, half-blinded, half-deafened, half-dumbed and leashed to this miserable rabid dog they had the gall to pretend was a brother you’d never had. Rolo. It’s sickening. It’s fucking sick.
I’m not going anywhere with you, you say. I can’t leave.
Sure you can. You can come home with me. We can do it right now, Rolo says.
But I’m dead, you snap. I can’t go anywhere. I’m dead. You've always been dead, now you understand it. You have been dead since the day you were born, isn't that right? Nothing, meaning nothing, being nothing because you have never existed. Exit wounds, exit wounds, there’s got to be some somewhere. Around the heart, white ribs cracking open like eggshells maybe. Or a nice beautiful gut slice that nicked a kidney. Somewhere. Headshots streaming brains down your neck. There are so many ways to die. Lungs perforating. Bleeding out from any major artery you like.
No, no, no, no, no, Lelouch, you’re not dead, Rolo insists. He is almost nose-to-nose with you. No, no, you aren’t dead. Did you believe C.C. when she told you that? She’s a liar. She tells you all kinds of things. She thinks you’re Zero.
I am Zero.
Hands behind you seize your arms and pull them back, back until your sockets grind. You cry out in pain. No, Lelouch, this is really easy, Rolo explains. You’re not Zero. In fact, you’re not anyone of any particular importance. You’re Lelouch Lamperouge. You’re Rolo Lamperouge’s older brother.
You try to squirm but that only hurts worse. Where did you put Nunnally? you gasp.
I don’t know why you’d care, Rolo says. He’s not smiling anymore but he’s still speaking quite jovially. As if this is all very cute. You’re not related to Nunnally vi Britannia. I told you, you’re no one of importance.
Give Nunnally back.
Rolo’s eyes narrow. I can’t. You don’t know her. You’re very confused right now, Lelouch, he says, soothingly, reaching out and stroking a hand down your cheek. You shudder violently at the contact. Say it with me. ‘I’m not Zero.’ That’s all. You can leave after that.
Shut up.
You shouldn’t speak to your brother like that, Rolo says. He’s getting agitated. Don’t say things like that. This is your last chance, Lelouch. You’re not Zero. Say it. Suzaku can do it, didn’t he say so? You don’t need him. You don’t need that witch. You don’t need Nunnally. You just need me. I’m your only brother. Come on. You’re only making this harder for yourself.
You snarl, from the depths of your gut, with all the cold icy hatred that has been freezing at the center of you for a while now, Go to hell, Rolo. Go to hell.
Rolo’s smile is completely gone now. So is his agitation. So is his anything. He wears no particular expression. He’s not going to cooperate, he says. You can see a red spark gleaming in the center of his right eye. Take him. And don’t screw it up this time. I want his left eyeball on a necklace, you hear me?
Yes, your majesty, from somewhere behind you and you don’t have time to process this or anything, because the next thing you feel is a hand (his hand) entwining in your hair and slamming your face to the ground -
(oh no oh no oh no no no you remember this now, you remember this, you remember this, you remember splintering, you remember fracturing, you remember it like all of you being broken to pieces and run through with wire, strung up like a marionette, you remember-)
-and you scream, shriek like on that day, louder than that day: No, no, no, not again, not again, NOT AGAIN NOT THAT AGAIN NO GOD NO PLEASE NEVER AGAIN NO -
[ Lelouch jerks awake, covered in sweat, gasping huge lungfuls of air. The sun hasn’t yet risen, but the sky is brightened enough to see outside. The Hitomi shows Lelouch on the floor (because C.C. took the bed), shifting up to a sitting position and pressing his knees to his forehead. For a few seconds, he seems to have calmed down, taking deep breaths that gradually become shallower. Then, slowly, gradually, one realizes that his breathing rate is actually increasing.
He stands, suddenly, and walks out the sliding door, Hitomi left behind. The video feed records a second or two of an empty room before it cuts, presumably as the device returns to its owner. ]