[ Dream : Week 10 , Day 5 ] ; What the hell it's time to face exactly what I am
[If there is such a thing as absolute silence, it's what stuffs your ears right now. There's absolutely no sound, and it's impossible to hear even your own breath or heartbeat. As if there's nothing, nothing at all.]
[But that's not true. The sense of touch is active, whoever is floating in that nothingness curled into a ball is aware of its own presence, but there is nothing else, absolutely nothing.]
[And then something happens; a sound as if thousands of small bubbles were suddenly washing upwards, carrying the still form with it, and then there's light, and sounds, and finally you can feel something wet that has to be water around you, and as you break the surface, there's air. Cold, dry air.]
[It's a long hall filled with many round deep ponds, and its sides and ceiling is hidden in shadows. Many, many holes in the ground, and it gives off strange kind of light, and there seem to be unmoving shapes below the surface in each of them. For now they're just inanimate shapes, but they are future demons to be awaken by the demon hunters, potential monsters under their command if you wish, those whose only purpose is battle and firepower.]
[Like you.]
[Except that right now, you're no longer one of them.]
[Now you already are all of what they're only expected to become. They call it 'birth', but it's just an awakening from nothingness. Either way, existence starts now.]
~
[There are people watching, they're always watching from behind the glass, and he can't see them but they can see him, and he can sometimes hear their voices, too. They're mostly the people in white labcoats who aren't too bad, they talk to him and explain things, give him clothes and food. They also told him his full name, but everyone just call him "Yu". He's a lot smaller than them, and they call him a 'child', and if asked they would probably give him around nine years of old. They teach him and a single fellow kid, who's an idiot but squirming his way into being his friend, about being apostles. Never act on your emotions. Always follow the orders. Almost as if they're afraid of them, and feeling it's crucial to get this in their heads, now that he thinks of it, but back then there were no such thoughts. Just trying to fulfill it all, because that's why they exist. To be soldiers, to be apostles. Their only purpose, they are here for it, and so they try their best.]
[But there are also people in dark coats with hoods, and they're not quite as nice. Soon they take him to yet another laboratory, and it's going to become a daily routine since this moment.]
[Trying to synchronize with the Innocence, that is.]
[But the damn Innocence is stubborn and not exactly friendly, even though it's wrapped in restraining talismans under the watch of the dark-cloaked people. It's winged humanoid shape leans forth, and he reaches out to touch it, hesitantly but knowing he has to, because that's why he's here, his only purpose is to synchronize and he has to do it.]
[His body explodes. Or, more particularly, there's blinding pain and the sensation of breaking apart, as if someone or something is cutting you up from inside, and blood splatters all around. The figures watch, unmoved, as he falls to the floor and everything slowly fades.]
...damn....Innocence.
[He knows he's finished, and he'd think it's over, seeing death as an escape, and the hurting will finally disappear, but it's just the beginning.]
[See, he can't die.]
[And someone's voice from behind the glass starts counting.]
509 seconds until regeneration.
[And as the count reaches zero, his eyes open once again, and he scrambles to get up, staggering a little, the wounds still fresh but already closing, and immediately he gets the order.]
Try again.
[And so he does, because he was ordered so, again and again, always with the same result, until they decide it's enough for today and they let him go, but he'll be here again tomorrow, and the day after that, again and again.]
[He wants to find some peace and silence now, so he walks through the hall with ponds. For a moment he thinks he sees some sort of a shape, almost like a.. woman in a fancy dress near one of them, but as he blinks, there's nothing there, and he continues on his way, muttering absently as if not even realizing he's talking, it sounds almost mechanic. His breath is halting.]
...always...follow the orders.
[His arm falls off, and if he was his idiot of a friend, he'd probably laugh at it, because it's fucking ridiculous. Or cry, because being asleep in the watery hole sounds better than this. But he does neither. He sinks to the floor, gritting his teeth, takes it and presses it to where it should be, using the bandages to secure it a little bit until it heals, what shouldn't take long.]
...the orders... must be carried out.
[All of this.. and for what? The Innocence doesn't respond. And why would it? After all, they're --]
~
[Everything fades and there's some sort of a flash, and the environment changes, everything gloating a faint blue light as if watching an old movie. He's older and he has a sword, which is an Innocence, and he's at the side of a forest. His expression is blank. A middle-aged man with glasses is sitting next to him, bandaging another kid's arm, and that kid glares at him. His features remind of a cat a little, and he huffs and waves his good arm around.]
Sheesh! What's wrong with you?
[The older man, who is both of theirs commander, mumbles something that sounds like "Shh" and turns to the kid with the sword. His voice is calm and soothing, but something about it makes you not even consider opposing what's being said. It's almost like both of the boys are his own children, really.]
Yu, you don't have to always wait for an order. If you see that your comrade needs help, go to them.
["Yu" scoffs a bit and hugs the sword closer. Yes, now he sort of thinks that too, but how was he supposed to know? He's never been in such situations before, and he was taught to always do what told, and he'd get scolded for anything else. Everything out here is just.. so difficult. But the sky and light are rather nice, and he can't genuinely say he misses the underground halls.]
[The General looks at him almost sadly, then smiles a bit and pats his head reassuringly, and he twitches a bit.]
It's alright. Now you'll know, right? Make up now, you two.
[The other kid huffs a little, but then grumbles "Ah, whatever" and reaches out a hand, and ruffles Yu's hair with a wide grin. Because he knows exactly what the other claims to hate; the General's familiarity and insistence they're family, so he picks it up. Amusing, yes.]
Stuck up little brother.
[Yu twitches a bit and huffs, but he doesn't swat the hand away and just glares.]
You wish.
[But there's something about those words that say he's not half as annoyed about it as he pretends to be, and he silently tells himself that yes, he won't wait from now on, because someone has to help the idiots who think they're his family or something.]
[The General smiles warmly and takes out a sketchpad, his gaze now locked on the scenery.]
[And, luckily, in the dream he doesn't yet know what's going to happen years later, that Daisya dies not too far away from him yet he knows nothing and can't do anything about it, and just looks away when he sees the body, because it hurts damn much but a soldier isn't supposed to show that, under any circumstances. Just silently hang his head.]
[The scene fades once again, and the darkness is erupted by flashes as the dream returns to where it left before this memory.]
~
[Except, not exactly.]
A failure... we'll have to dispose of him.
[Yes, he's little and without an Innocence again, but he's not in the pond hall anymore. It's a previously unseen lab, and he's restrained on the table, many somethings connected to him, and the voices around seem unfriendly, but now he KNOWS. And he laughes. Laughing, maniacally, almost in an animalistic manner, at how absurd this whole thing is, at how these people think they can play a god and get away with it, it's just ridiculous. They don't find it too funny though. The one woman who touches his hand doesn't seem so bad, she looks regretful, but he doesn't notice it now.]
..You'll never wake up again.
[And then there's probably thousands worth of volts running through him, and he's probably yelling, and it seems to stretch out forever, because he's really getting killed now, and he forgets, forgets what he just KNEW until there's nothing left, but it doesn't stop.]
[And then something explodes and he realizes something pierced his palm, and the pain elsewhere seems to cease, and he manages to turn his head a bit and look at it.]
[It's a winged sword, and it's hilt is embedded in his hand, and everything around seems to be destroyed.]
[He staggers up, the restraints apparently having melted frown whatever it was, and looks at the sword. Fucking Innocence, you're late. But he's not going to complain. Not after all he's went through to achieve it. He grins a little.]
Should I...kill everyone in this place?
[And he leaves the room...what's left of it, anyway.]
[The scenes run flashing and mixing once again; there's Marie, another future fellow Exorcist like Daisya, and he suddenly reconsiders, realizing that maybe not all people need to be destroyed, and now he actually believes that with that newly achieved Innocence he can finally fulfill his purpose and be an Exorcist, and live for fighting how he was supposed to, because that's all he knows, and he'd like to have a reason for existence, and he also wants to live and find out some answers to strange, ghostly questions, and...]
[The sights and sounds mix into a giant vortex, drawing in memories from all places and times to create the ultimate.. nightmare, maybe? Who knows. It's not as clear anymore.]
[He's still bloody and still clenching the winged sword, and he's in the pond hall once again, but something is different. The holes aren't shining anymore, they're dark and give off a strange heavy odor which fills his lungs, and he's smelled it enough of times to immediately tell it's the scent of blood. There are corpses lying around, many of them, but he doesn't stop at that and just goes forth.]
[There's someone at the far end of the hall, and by the shape, it has to be the idiot fellow artificial apostle thing, and it's a funny feeling because that's the only alive person who is just like him. A friend, if you want, whose hands are now covered in blood, just because the fool went mad upon realizing the truth about them which he himself no longer remembers. The forms in those pools writhe in silent agony before stilling and sinking down. He doesn't even stop by it either, he never considered those things brothers and sisters, unlike that guy in front of him. That one would always talk stupid things to those unmoving shapes. And yet.. maybe it was almost as if they used to be two parts of the same.]
[The voices behind the glass are there again, and they're there to deliver orders, and orders must be followed, and it's there again - or he tries to tell himself that, but it actually feels like it's only his subconsciousness talking to him this time. But he wants it to be an order, because then he can tell himself it's why he must do it, rather than because he selfishly wants to live and not be put to sleep again.]
Destroy.
[He grits his teeth angrily and charges at the lone figure who's smiling at him and apparently crying, and there's lots and lots of dead bodies around him but the little Yu pays it no attention as he only has one target, who will be attacked over and over again until he's finally fucking dead, no matter how many times he himself would have to die for it. He's going to tear that other monstrous being apart limb from limb, for as long as it's necessary, blood spilling out freely until he doesn't know anything anymore.]
[Because it has to be done. And there's nobody else who could.]
[As there's suddenly an open sky above him, him with an Innocence, finally a real Exorcist, he's still caught up in what was just there, and he almost wishes to say "sorry" but he doesn't, because he's not. It was a simple must, and regretting such things is pointless.]
[In fact, he would do it all over again if he had to... and another scene briefly flashes; he's already grown up, in the middle of ruins, and the other experimental subject is floating over it like an Akuma, and without a moment of hesitation, he draws his sword again.]
[And then there's nothing.]
~
[Kanda grumbles and turns, not aware of the Hitomi recording, what's probably a good thing since he's already figured out it can broadcast dreams somehow, even if he might not have connected it actually did just that anyway.]
[He's clearly annoyed at the mere fact that he dreamed, because he never dreams, or at least very rarely and it's mostly stupid shit, and this fucking dream just had to reflect some things as if he was there all over again, what is damn annoying. Or, completely wander in portraying others, though of course dreams tend to do that and that's how they're different from memories, even if the difference disappears sometimes - except that when you pretend there are none, both should be killed. However it works. It's annoying how it just comes like that after years of not showing and kicks you in the ass. Fucking thing. He never even thinks about it, why the hell is he suddenly dreaming? Is it something about this place? He's positively angry just about that.]
[He swears creatively for a while, then turns on his other side and stills, obviously intending to get some normal, dreamless sleep now and not caring the slightest about all the images that were in his head moments ago. And still not suspecting everyone just saw it.]
(( OOC: IT'S ALL OUT NOW. ENJOY. ..The title is actually a line from an Alice In Chains song, "Hate to Feel" I think.
I just find heavy music so relevant to DGM somehow. Like.. "Disposable Heroes" is just perfect, and etc, totally. ))
[But that's not true. The sense of touch is active, whoever is floating in that nothingness curled into a ball is aware of its own presence, but there is nothing else, absolutely nothing.]
[And then something happens; a sound as if thousands of small bubbles were suddenly washing upwards, carrying the still form with it, and then there's light, and sounds, and finally you can feel something wet that has to be water around you, and as you break the surface, there's air. Cold, dry air.]
[It's a long hall filled with many round deep ponds, and its sides and ceiling is hidden in shadows. Many, many holes in the ground, and it gives off strange kind of light, and there seem to be unmoving shapes below the surface in each of them. For now they're just inanimate shapes, but they are future demons to be awaken by the demon hunters, potential monsters under their command if you wish, those whose only purpose is battle and firepower.]
[Like you.]
[Except that right now, you're no longer one of them.]
[Now you already are all of what they're only expected to become. They call it 'birth', but it's just an awakening from nothingness. Either way, existence starts now.]
~
[There are people watching, they're always watching from behind the glass, and he can't see them but they can see him, and he can sometimes hear their voices, too. They're mostly the people in white labcoats who aren't too bad, they talk to him and explain things, give him clothes and food. They also told him his full name, but everyone just call him "Yu". He's a lot smaller than them, and they call him a 'child', and if asked they would probably give him around nine years of old. They teach him and a single fellow kid, who's an idiot but squirming his way into being his friend, about being apostles. Never act on your emotions. Always follow the orders. Almost as if they're afraid of them, and feeling it's crucial to get this in their heads, now that he thinks of it, but back then there were no such thoughts. Just trying to fulfill it all, because that's why they exist. To be soldiers, to be apostles. Their only purpose, they are here for it, and so they try their best.]
[But there are also people in dark coats with hoods, and they're not quite as nice. Soon they take him to yet another laboratory, and it's going to become a daily routine since this moment.]
[Trying to synchronize with the Innocence, that is.]
[But the damn Innocence is stubborn and not exactly friendly, even though it's wrapped in restraining talismans under the watch of the dark-cloaked people. It's winged humanoid shape leans forth, and he reaches out to touch it, hesitantly but knowing he has to, because that's why he's here, his only purpose is to synchronize and he has to do it.]
[His body explodes. Or, more particularly, there's blinding pain and the sensation of breaking apart, as if someone or something is cutting you up from inside, and blood splatters all around. The figures watch, unmoved, as he falls to the floor and everything slowly fades.]
...damn....Innocence.
[He knows he's finished, and he'd think it's over, seeing death as an escape, and the hurting will finally disappear, but it's just the beginning.]
[See, he can't die.]
[And someone's voice from behind the glass starts counting.]
509 seconds until regeneration.
[And as the count reaches zero, his eyes open once again, and he scrambles to get up, staggering a little, the wounds still fresh but already closing, and immediately he gets the order.]
Try again.
[And so he does, because he was ordered so, again and again, always with the same result, until they decide it's enough for today and they let him go, but he'll be here again tomorrow, and the day after that, again and again.]
[He wants to find some peace and silence now, so he walks through the hall with ponds. For a moment he thinks he sees some sort of a shape, almost like a.. woman in a fancy dress near one of them, but as he blinks, there's nothing there, and he continues on his way, muttering absently as if not even realizing he's talking, it sounds almost mechanic. His breath is halting.]
...always...follow the orders.
[His arm falls off, and if he was his idiot of a friend, he'd probably laugh at it, because it's fucking ridiculous. Or cry, because being asleep in the watery hole sounds better than this. But he does neither. He sinks to the floor, gritting his teeth, takes it and presses it to where it should be, using the bandages to secure it a little bit until it heals, what shouldn't take long.]
...the orders... must be carried out.
[All of this.. and for what? The Innocence doesn't respond. And why would it? After all, they're --]
~
[Everything fades and there's some sort of a flash, and the environment changes, everything gloating a faint blue light as if watching an old movie. He's older and he has a sword, which is an Innocence, and he's at the side of a forest. His expression is blank. A middle-aged man with glasses is sitting next to him, bandaging another kid's arm, and that kid glares at him. His features remind of a cat a little, and he huffs and waves his good arm around.]
Sheesh! What's wrong with you?
[The older man, who is both of theirs commander, mumbles something that sounds like "Shh" and turns to the kid with the sword. His voice is calm and soothing, but something about it makes you not even consider opposing what's being said. It's almost like both of the boys are his own children, really.]
Yu, you don't have to always wait for an order. If you see that your comrade needs help, go to them.
["Yu" scoffs a bit and hugs the sword closer. Yes, now he sort of thinks that too, but how was he supposed to know? He's never been in such situations before, and he was taught to always do what told, and he'd get scolded for anything else. Everything out here is just.. so difficult. But the sky and light are rather nice, and he can't genuinely say he misses the underground halls.]
[The General looks at him almost sadly, then smiles a bit and pats his head reassuringly, and he twitches a bit.]
It's alright. Now you'll know, right? Make up now, you two.
[The other kid huffs a little, but then grumbles "Ah, whatever" and reaches out a hand, and ruffles Yu's hair with a wide grin. Because he knows exactly what the other claims to hate; the General's familiarity and insistence they're family, so he picks it up. Amusing, yes.]
Stuck up little brother.
[Yu twitches a bit and huffs, but he doesn't swat the hand away and just glares.]
You wish.
[But there's something about those words that say he's not half as annoyed about it as he pretends to be, and he silently tells himself that yes, he won't wait from now on, because someone has to help the idiots who think they're his family or something.]
[The General smiles warmly and takes out a sketchpad, his gaze now locked on the scenery.]
[And, luckily, in the dream he doesn't yet know what's going to happen years later, that Daisya dies not too far away from him yet he knows nothing and can't do anything about it, and just looks away when he sees the body, because it hurts damn much but a soldier isn't supposed to show that, under any circumstances. Just silently hang his head.]
[The scene fades once again, and the darkness is erupted by flashes as the dream returns to where it left before this memory.]
~
[Except, not exactly.]
A failure... we'll have to dispose of him.
[Yes, he's little and without an Innocence again, but he's not in the pond hall anymore. It's a previously unseen lab, and he's restrained on the table, many somethings connected to him, and the voices around seem unfriendly, but now he KNOWS. And he laughes. Laughing, maniacally, almost in an animalistic manner, at how absurd this whole thing is, at how these people think they can play a god and get away with it, it's just ridiculous. They don't find it too funny though. The one woman who touches his hand doesn't seem so bad, she looks regretful, but he doesn't notice it now.]
..You'll never wake up again.
[And then there's probably thousands worth of volts running through him, and he's probably yelling, and it seems to stretch out forever, because he's really getting killed now, and he forgets, forgets what he just KNEW until there's nothing left, but it doesn't stop.]
[And then something explodes and he realizes something pierced his palm, and the pain elsewhere seems to cease, and he manages to turn his head a bit and look at it.]
[It's a winged sword, and it's hilt is embedded in his hand, and everything around seems to be destroyed.]
[He staggers up, the restraints apparently having melted frown whatever it was, and looks at the sword. Fucking Innocence, you're late. But he's not going to complain. Not after all he's went through to achieve it. He grins a little.]
Should I...kill everyone in this place?
[And he leaves the room...what's left of it, anyway.]
[The scenes run flashing and mixing once again; there's Marie, another future fellow Exorcist like Daisya, and he suddenly reconsiders, realizing that maybe not all people need to be destroyed, and now he actually believes that with that newly achieved Innocence he can finally fulfill his purpose and be an Exorcist, and live for fighting how he was supposed to, because that's all he knows, and he'd like to have a reason for existence, and he also wants to live and find out some answers to strange, ghostly questions, and...]
[The sights and sounds mix into a giant vortex, drawing in memories from all places and times to create the ultimate.. nightmare, maybe? Who knows. It's not as clear anymore.]
[He's still bloody and still clenching the winged sword, and he's in the pond hall once again, but something is different. The holes aren't shining anymore, they're dark and give off a strange heavy odor which fills his lungs, and he's smelled it enough of times to immediately tell it's the scent of blood. There are corpses lying around, many of them, but he doesn't stop at that and just goes forth.]
[There's someone at the far end of the hall, and by the shape, it has to be the idiot fellow artificial apostle thing, and it's a funny feeling because that's the only alive person who is just like him. A friend, if you want, whose hands are now covered in blood, just because the fool went mad upon realizing the truth about them which he himself no longer remembers. The forms in those pools writhe in silent agony before stilling and sinking down. He doesn't even stop by it either, he never considered those things brothers and sisters, unlike that guy in front of him. That one would always talk stupid things to those unmoving shapes. And yet.. maybe it was almost as if they used to be two parts of the same.]
[The voices behind the glass are there again, and they're there to deliver orders, and orders must be followed, and it's there again - or he tries to tell himself that, but it actually feels like it's only his subconsciousness talking to him this time. But he wants it to be an order, because then he can tell himself it's why he must do it, rather than because he selfishly wants to live and not be put to sleep again.]
Destroy.
[He grits his teeth angrily and charges at the lone figure who's smiling at him and apparently crying, and there's lots and lots of dead bodies around him but the little Yu pays it no attention as he only has one target, who will be attacked over and over again until he's finally fucking dead, no matter how many times he himself would have to die for it. He's going to tear that other monstrous being apart limb from limb, for as long as it's necessary, blood spilling out freely until he doesn't know anything anymore.]
[Because it has to be done. And there's nobody else who could.]
[As there's suddenly an open sky above him, him with an Innocence, finally a real Exorcist, he's still caught up in what was just there, and he almost wishes to say "sorry" but he doesn't, because he's not. It was a simple must, and regretting such things is pointless.]
[In fact, he would do it all over again if he had to... and another scene briefly flashes; he's already grown up, in the middle of ruins, and the other experimental subject is floating over it like an Akuma, and without a moment of hesitation, he draws his sword again.]
[And then there's nothing.]
~
[Kanda grumbles and turns, not aware of the Hitomi recording, what's probably a good thing since he's already figured out it can broadcast dreams somehow, even if he might not have connected it actually did just that anyway.]
[He's clearly annoyed at the mere fact that he dreamed, because he never dreams, or at least very rarely and it's mostly stupid shit, and this fucking dream just had to reflect some things as if he was there all over again, what is damn annoying. Or, completely wander in portraying others, though of course dreams tend to do that and that's how they're different from memories, even if the difference disappears sometimes - except that when you pretend there are none, both should be killed. However it works. It's annoying how it just comes like that after years of not showing and kicks you in the ass. Fucking thing. He never even thinks about it, why the hell is he suddenly dreaming? Is it something about this place? He's positively angry just about that.]
[He swears creatively for a while, then turns on his other side and stills, obviously intending to get some normal, dreamless sleep now and not caring the slightest about all the images that were in his head moments ago. And still not suspecting everyone just saw it.]
(( OOC: IT'S ALL OUT NOW. ENJOY. ..The title is actually a line from an Alice In Chains song, "Hate to Feel" I think.
I just find heavy music so relevant to DGM somehow. Like.. "Disposable Heroes" is just perfect, and etc, totally. ))