[Audio/Private]sternitfortemOctober 8 2011, 03:04:31 UTC
[ Juudai exhales shakily. The sky is brightening slowly along the horizon. Dawn's one... no, a half hour away. Maybe. Time moves strangely in Kannagara, sometimes in fits and starts.
It's not that he wants to hurt his friends. Quite the opposite. If he could get away with never doing that again, he'd be happy. It's just that -
For a few moments, Juudai decides not to think. Just to sit here and take in his surroundings. The birds are waking up and beginning to sing to welcome the dawn. The sky has lightened to pink along the eastern horizon. Yubel holds him steady within his own mind, her presence anchoring him to something.
Jim wants closure. That makes sense. Juudai doesn't want to deny it to him. It's just -
He knows -
It's not his decision, in the end. He can choose to ask - or not ask - forgiveness. And Jim can choose to extend it, or not.
And if this is what Jim needs... ]
Okay.
Okay. [ It sounds like it takes everything Juudai has just to say this. He's not sure what it means. It just seems like the right thing to say, right now. ]
[Audio/Private (Only Until the End]eyeofamiracleOctober 8 2011, 03:59:20 UTC
[ A single breath, one that was being held unintentionally, slips out. And while relief spills out after hearing that single word being spoken, Jim can see it all too clearly. Judai’s forcing himself to do this, to say that everything could be okay, that Jim can have the closure he craves not for himself but for Judai too; it’s wrong because Judai will never forgive himself.
It’s selfish, it’s harmful and simply awful, but this one fact hurts Jim more than anything else that had happened then ever did. ]
Judai.
[He won’t speak anymore. He’s caused so much damage since he’s arrived here. All he has done is bring back memories of death, of hell, of everything no one needed to know or be remembered about. He’s hurt his friends by re-living this experience. He’s broken the trust between others, he’s created crevices in friendships, and he’s opened up old scars.
The man who believed he had the power to save is now creating destruction. ]
[ He’s shaking, but he contains what he will do for Judai’s sake. ] Go and find some place alone, or where you can find a semblance of relaxation now. Don’t forgive yourself if you don’t need to. Do what you need to, Judai. [ It’s a dismissal for them to leave one another, almost like an order, and it makes Jim sick that he even has the audacity to order Judai around. ]
[ Under his breath, he lets out a shudder sigh. ] …I’m sorry, Judai. [ A swallow, a sigh, and a ghosting of fingers of bandages as he finishes speaking. Jim clicks a button on the Hitomi. It wasn’t the button to turn it off like he had hoped. No, it was another button.
He made this audible to everyone. ]
I’m sorry, Judai…everyone.
[ He looks out at the breaking of dawn spilling outside of his window. He feels his insides sinking, his mind cracking and body aching. He has hurt more than he has helped. Everything that has happened is piling on him now. All the explanations, all the hints of doubt he has noticed in himself, everything he has said and defended for Judai’s sake.
Everything now has a larger chance of breaking to the point of no repair.
[Audio/re-privated]sternitfortemOctober 9 2011, 20:20:32 UTC
Jim.
[ It's amazing how calm he sounds right now. ]
It's not your fault.
[ Too much of this, and Juudai's reached the dumping point; he's not processing this anymore, not looking at it directly. He's let himself go cool (not cold, that would be too much), let himself not hold onto this right now.
He's speaking quietly, slowly: ]
I probably won't be around today. Maybe I'll be back by tonight. I don't want to worry anyone.
[ Pause, then: ]
Take care of yourself, okay? Try and get some rest.
Re: [Audio/re-privated]eyeofamiracleOctober 9 2011, 20:43:53 UTC
[ Jim won't believe Judai's words about whose fault it is. He doesn't need an altercation, and his mind can't handle any more challenges against what Jim can force himself to believe right now. ]
I'll tell something to the others so they won't worry.
[ It's the least he can do, Jim tells himself. With a sigh, he calms his voice, he lets out a hoarse cough to clear the pain away. It doesn't help. ]
It's not that he wants to hurt his friends. Quite the opposite. If he could get away with never doing that again, he'd be happy. It's just that -
For a few moments, Juudai decides not to think. Just to sit here and take in his surroundings. The birds are waking up and beginning to sing to welcome the dawn. The sky has lightened to pink along the eastern horizon. Yubel holds him steady within his own mind, her presence anchoring him to something.
Jim wants closure. That makes sense. Juudai doesn't want to deny it to him. It's just -
He knows -
It's not his decision, in the end. He can choose to ask - or not ask - forgiveness. And Jim can choose to extend it, or not.
And if this is what Jim needs... ]
Okay.
Okay. [ It sounds like it takes everything Juudai has just to say this. He's not sure what it means. It just seems like the right thing to say, right now. ]
Reply
It’s selfish, it’s harmful and simply awful, but this one fact hurts Jim more than anything else that had happened then ever did. ]
Judai.
[He won’t speak anymore. He’s caused so much damage since he’s arrived here. All he has done is bring back memories of death, of hell, of everything no one needed to know or be remembered about. He’s hurt his friends by re-living this experience. He’s broken the trust between others, he’s created crevices in friendships, and he’s opened up old scars.
The man who believed he had the power to save is now creating destruction. ]
[ He’s shaking, but he contains what he will do for Judai’s sake. ] Go and find some place alone, or where you can find a semblance of relaxation now. Don’t forgive yourself if you don’t need to. Do what you need to, Judai. [ It’s a dismissal for them to leave one another, almost like an order, and it makes Jim sick that he even has the audacity to order Judai around. ]
[ Under his breath, he lets out a shudder sigh. ] …I’m sorry, Judai. [ A swallow, a sigh, and a ghosting of fingers of bandages as he finishes speaking. Jim clicks a button on the Hitomi. It wasn’t the button to turn it off like he had hoped. No, it was another button.
He made this audible to everyone. ]
I’m sorry, Judai…everyone.
[ He looks out at the breaking of dawn spilling outside of his window. He feels his insides sinking, his mind cracking and body aching. He has hurt more than he has helped. Everything that has happened is piling on him now. All the explanations, all the hints of doubt he has noticed in himself, everything he has said and defended for Judai’s sake.
Everything now has a larger chance of breaking to the point of no repair.
All because of him.
Jim screamed. ]
Reply
[ It's amazing how calm he sounds right now. ]
It's not your fault.
[ Too much of this, and Juudai's reached the dumping point; he's not processing this anymore, not looking at it directly. He's let himself go cool (not cold, that would be too much), let himself not hold onto this right now.
He's speaking quietly, slowly: ]
I probably won't be around today. Maybe I'll be back by tonight. I don't want to worry anyone.
[ Pause, then: ]
Take care of yourself, okay? Try and get some rest.
Reply
I'll tell something to the others so they won't worry.
[ It's the least he can do, Jim tells himself. With a sigh, he calms his voice, he lets out a hoarse cough to clear the pain away. It doesn't help. ]
I'll...go see if I can explore the village today.
[ A pause, then: ]
...Thank you, Judai. Get some rest yourself.
Reply
Leave a comment