(no subject)
I am Livejournaling like fuck today. I think that means...it was an...interesting weekend. Or even better I think it means I'm running on about 3hrs of sleep in nearly 48 hours. I'd also like to say I'm running on about a handful of food, but that's just a lie. A beautiful lie. It smells good, too.
I am craving COFFEE. I could drink cup after cup after cup right now. This is a problem. I haven't had coffee in at least a month. Woo me for cutting back. I'm going to say fuck it, though. I didn't have a good reason to cut back in the first place...I was just sick of washing so many mugs. Maybe I'll buy styrofoam cups and think about how I'm killing the EARTH one motherfuckin' cup at a time. Or not.
I blame IHOP. I hate you IHOP. *shudder* I would have had so much more coffee Saturday night if the damn waitress had brought more. Three cups was...too much anyway since I got to lay quietly in the dark listening to 6am coffee brewing half a living room (and yet a lifetime) away.
I hate old, pissy, visiting larper's more than I hate IHOP though. Seriously, calm the fuck down. It's just a GAME. It's just a bunch of people in capes at an abandoned Hot n' Now making out in the dark. O...wait that's not just a game that's some angsty motherfucka's LIFE. /sigh that would have been the day to have a camera. Quit talking about Amway, don't bitch about gas prices, and don't keep stealing away the conversation I was trying to make happen during that OMGHESATNEXTOMEMAYBEHELIKESMEOMGHIGHSCHOOLSPAZ moment. Especially since, oddly enough, that was when my self confidence came back. Not that it mattered, I suppose.
And, oh where oh where, has that self confidence bit gone by the way? I was doing so well! I was doing amazingly well! In fact, I still do rather well except when I really need to do well. Or...wait...no I do really well all the time unless there is a bloke involved (mmm colloquialism). What the hell is that about? I need to get it together so I can quit looking like a mute retard that has no wants or desires or anything along that line because hot damn that is not cool. It seems to come in waves, actually. I can't seem to control it and this pisses me off.
Perhaps I can find a trigger, something to cue my mind into the self confidence wave that, when I've got it, I've got it good and I feel sort of on top of the world and this brings me back to that Queen of Wands card I pulled the other day. I've tried to trick myself into it, but I feel like an actor and that I become a lie. It's unnatural and this facade brings itself crashing down without my help. So that fake it until you make it statement is pure bullshit on this matter. What I need is a way to will myself into it, to make the conscious decision to say fuck off nervous Jessi, to become entranced in the state of mind necessary to be the person I am. You'd think saying these things would make it happen, but my head becomes cloudy and I literally can not think straight. Then I realize what's happening and start to panic but the more I panic the less I am able to remedy the situation. And then...then I've killed it. I've taken THE MOMENT, dragged it out into the street, and clubbed it like a baby seal. This may be an exaggeration.
Or not.
I am craving COFFEE. I could drink cup after cup after cup right now. This is a problem. I haven't had coffee in at least a month. Woo me for cutting back. I'm going to say fuck it, though. I didn't have a good reason to cut back in the first place...I was just sick of washing so many mugs. Maybe I'll buy styrofoam cups and think about how I'm killing the EARTH one motherfuckin' cup at a time. Or not.
I blame IHOP. I hate you IHOP. *shudder* I would have had so much more coffee Saturday night if the damn waitress had brought more. Three cups was...too much anyway since I got to lay quietly in the dark listening to 6am coffee brewing half a living room (and yet a lifetime) away.
I hate old, pissy, visiting larper's more than I hate IHOP though. Seriously, calm the fuck down. It's just a GAME. It's just a bunch of people in capes at an abandoned Hot n' Now making out in the dark. O...wait that's not just a game that's some angsty motherfucka's LIFE. /sigh that would have been the day to have a camera. Quit talking about Amway, don't bitch about gas prices, and don't keep stealing away the conversation I was trying to make happen during that OMGHESATNEXTOMEMAYBEHELIKESMEOMGHIGHSCHOOLSPAZ moment. Especially since, oddly enough, that was when my self confidence came back. Not that it mattered, I suppose.
And, oh where oh where, has that self confidence bit gone by the way? I was doing so well! I was doing amazingly well! In fact, I still do rather well except when I really need to do well. Or...wait...no I do really well all the time unless there is a bloke involved (mmm colloquialism). What the hell is that about? I need to get it together so I can quit looking like a mute retard that has no wants or desires or anything along that line because hot damn that is not cool. It seems to come in waves, actually. I can't seem to control it and this pisses me off.
Perhaps I can find a trigger, something to cue my mind into the self confidence wave that, when I've got it, I've got it good and I feel sort of on top of the world and this brings me back to that Queen of Wands card I pulled the other day. I've tried to trick myself into it, but I feel like an actor and that I become a lie. It's unnatural and this facade brings itself crashing down without my help. So that fake it until you make it statement is pure bullshit on this matter. What I need is a way to will myself into it, to make the conscious decision to say fuck off nervous Jessi, to become entranced in the state of mind necessary to be the person I am. You'd think saying these things would make it happen, but my head becomes cloudy and I literally can not think straight. Then I realize what's happening and start to panic but the more I panic the less I am able to remedy the situation. And then...then I've killed it. I've taken THE MOMENT, dragged it out into the street, and clubbed it like a baby seal. This may be an exaggeration.
Or not.