[expletives]
I can say filthy things in Spanish, Russian, American Sign Language, Japanese, French, German, and English and I think I have about exhausted my vocabulary in the past hour. All of it aimed at me.
I fucked up y'all. I forgot the first rule of dealing with medical people as a crazy person and was actually honest when my pain management doctor asked if I thought about harming myself.
Not forgot exactly. I don't ever forget that rule. But I'm trying to get disability and I need reports to emphasise how bad things are at their worst. So I'm talking about how bad things are at their worst more when my habit has been to omit that information or lie about it.
Today that bit me in the ass.
My pain management doc is now worried about depression. She's taking me off opioid pain management completely. Not abruptly, tapered over four weeks, but still.
And I've been omitting and lying about how much pain I'm in and how much my current meds aren't managing it because I have this anxiety about being perceived as drug-seeking. I haven't said anything about the days I couldn't move my arm from the pain. Which is part of why I didn't argue with her about being taken off the opioid meds. The other part is I don't argue with people in authority when they're doing things that will hurt me; I just want to minimise the damage and get away. So I shut down. She wants to talk to my jerkass psych about it and frog knows what they're going to come up with.
You know what's depressing and makes me think of harming myself? Being in severe and constant pain. Being in pain with not much hope of relief ought to be just wicked fun.
The anxiety sure seems to be enjoying itself. The iron slabs on my chest may leave any time now thanks.
Aperiodically Legible: Originally posted at http://kaninchen.dreamwidth.org/5980.html. Comment count:
I fucked up y'all. I forgot the first rule of dealing with medical people as a crazy person and was actually honest when my pain management doctor asked if I thought about harming myself.
Not forgot exactly. I don't ever forget that rule. But I'm trying to get disability and I need reports to emphasise how bad things are at their worst. So I'm talking about how bad things are at their worst more when my habit has been to omit that information or lie about it.
Today that bit me in the ass.
My pain management doc is now worried about depression. She's taking me off opioid pain management completely. Not abruptly, tapered over four weeks, but still.
And I've been omitting and lying about how much pain I'm in and how much my current meds aren't managing it because I have this anxiety about being perceived as drug-seeking. I haven't said anything about the days I couldn't move my arm from the pain. Which is part of why I didn't argue with her about being taken off the opioid meds. The other part is I don't argue with people in authority when they're doing things that will hurt me; I just want to minimise the damage and get away. So I shut down. She wants to talk to my jerkass psych about it and frog knows what they're going to come up with.
You know what's depressing and makes me think of harming myself? Being in severe and constant pain. Being in pain with not much hope of relief ought to be just wicked fun.
The anxiety sure seems to be enjoying itself. The iron slabs on my chest may leave any time now thanks.
Aperiodically Legible: Originally posted at http://kaninchen.dreamwidth.org/5980.html. Comment count: