Emotional Attachment
So I was sweating blood over my Multiverse fic last night, when athena25 said, “you’re very emotionally involved with it.” To which I barely managed to stop myself from snapping back, “don’t be bloody ridiculous.”
I freely confess that I am emotionally involved in the writing process. If I just write 1-5K words of any old thing whilst drunk, it doesn’t have the same impact on me as writing 1-5K carefully-thought out words that have been edited and ripped to shreds. I might say, “oh, here’s a wee thing I just knocked out,” but by that I mean, “here’s something that has not undergone three weeks of rigorous editing and red ink but has instead been merely read through by myself - several times and with much agonising.” I do not mean, “I wrote it three seconds ago, I haven’t read it through, and I don’t give a toss whether it’s all spelled correctly or not.” Pride in the writing process is just like diligence in personal hygiene: it’s unseemly to suffer a lack.
Similarly to personal hygiene, of course, it is also unseemly to take pride in the finished product, for it is vanity. Vanity is not our friend. Vanity makes us think that our work is our baby, and every criticism is thus a personal attack. Vanity leads to arrogance and also to hysterical on-line fits, and that is clearly the Dark Side.
Regarding Multiverse, I am very emotionally involved in writing this fic, despite (because of?) the fact that it is now officially Late. It therefore has to simply glow with the sheer amount of effort I have put into it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the finished product is going to be any good, but it should be as polished as I can possibly make it, given the original premise and any turns of phrase that I can manufacture that are not too hideous. So what does this ‘effort’ actually involve? For this fic:
1. Write first part. Feel pleased.
2. Write plan. Feel even more pleased.
3. Show to athena25. Read over her shoulder and realise that it sucks.
4. Abandon story. Swap fandoms.
5. Stare at blank page for three hours.
6. Drink all the coffee in the world.
7. Write new story concept at work.
8. Change mind. Start again.
9. Write concept in middle of the night.
10. Write first part on lj.
11. Watch in horror as lj wipes it.
12. Swear at lj for a good fifteen minutes before attempting to reconstruct first part from memory, weeping a little.
13. Write rest of story outline.
14. Have a ‘Eureka!’ moment whilst in bathroom. Look embarrassed when people check that you’re ok.
15. Write random scene.
16. Scratch random scene. Decide that story concept needs to be developed.
17. Develop story concept.
18. Show all eight scenes and story concept to erykah101, who stares blankly. Realise have written complete nonsense.
19. Revise entire concept.
20. Eat cake.
21. Write random scene #24745. Hope that it’s Significant.
22. Put large Note to Self in middle of story: insert emotionally charged scene here. It’ll be really, really good. Honest.
23. Despair of ever writing said scene.
24. Complete half of fic.
25. Rewriting half of fic.
26. Write ending.
27. Stare at missing emotionally charged scene.
28. Scene still missing.
29. Give to approx. 438756 people to edit.
30. Weep over result.
31. Start doing corrections. Emotionally charged scene still missing.
32. Have ‘Eureka!’ moment in café. Frantically rewrite first half of fic.
33. Feel unbearably smug that Will Have Fic Done On Time.
34. Fail. Send apologetic emails. Stare at corrections.
35. Correct corrections.
36. Correct corrected corrections.
37. Repeat 984375634 times.
38. First half of story does not match second half of story. Key delineator is emotionally charged scene (still missing). Entire thing still toppling over own pretentious weight. Hit all the keys at once in fit of fury.
39. Contemplate seppuku as story disappears.
40. Cancel seppuku as story re-appears.
41. Bless all computers and automatic back-ups.
42. Eat cake.
43. There is no. 43. This fic is still not finished.
Approximately half the fic is in a state where I am comfortable submitting it. Unfortunately, the key emotional scene (tm) is still missing. I will be sweating blood and tears over it until it is fucking done, and that does not mean that it’ll be good; it means that it’ll be polished.
It’s not an obsession. It’s dedication.
I freely confess that I am emotionally involved in the writing process. If I just write 1-5K words of any old thing whilst drunk, it doesn’t have the same impact on me as writing 1-5K carefully-thought out words that have been edited and ripped to shreds. I might say, “oh, here’s a wee thing I just knocked out,” but by that I mean, “here’s something that has not undergone three weeks of rigorous editing and red ink but has instead been merely read through by myself - several times and with much agonising.” I do not mean, “I wrote it three seconds ago, I haven’t read it through, and I don’t give a toss whether it’s all spelled correctly or not.” Pride in the writing process is just like diligence in personal hygiene: it’s unseemly to suffer a lack.
Similarly to personal hygiene, of course, it is also unseemly to take pride in the finished product, for it is vanity. Vanity is not our friend. Vanity makes us think that our work is our baby, and every criticism is thus a personal attack. Vanity leads to arrogance and also to hysterical on-line fits, and that is clearly the Dark Side.
Regarding Multiverse, I am very emotionally involved in writing this fic, despite (because of?) the fact that it is now officially Late. It therefore has to simply glow with the sheer amount of effort I have put into it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the finished product is going to be any good, but it should be as polished as I can possibly make it, given the original premise and any turns of phrase that I can manufacture that are not too hideous. So what does this ‘effort’ actually involve? For this fic:
1. Write first part. Feel pleased.
2. Write plan. Feel even more pleased.
3. Show to athena25. Read over her shoulder and realise that it sucks.
4. Abandon story. Swap fandoms.
5. Stare at blank page for three hours.
6. Drink all the coffee in the world.
7. Write new story concept at work.
8. Change mind. Start again.
9. Write concept in middle of the night.
10. Write first part on lj.
11. Watch in horror as lj wipes it.
12. Swear at lj for a good fifteen minutes before attempting to reconstruct first part from memory, weeping a little.
13. Write rest of story outline.
14. Have a ‘Eureka!’ moment whilst in bathroom. Look embarrassed when people check that you’re ok.
15. Write random scene.
16. Scratch random scene. Decide that story concept needs to be developed.
17. Develop story concept.
18. Show all eight scenes and story concept to erykah101, who stares blankly. Realise have written complete nonsense.
19. Revise entire concept.
20. Eat cake.
21. Write random scene #24745. Hope that it’s Significant.
22. Put large Note to Self in middle of story: insert emotionally charged scene here. It’ll be really, really good. Honest.
23. Despair of ever writing said scene.
24. Complete half of fic.
25. Rewriting half of fic.
26. Write ending.
27. Stare at missing emotionally charged scene.
28. Scene still missing.
29. Give to approx. 438756 people to edit.
30. Weep over result.
31. Start doing corrections. Emotionally charged scene still missing.
32. Have ‘Eureka!’ moment in café. Frantically rewrite first half of fic.
33. Feel unbearably smug that Will Have Fic Done On Time.
34. Fail. Send apologetic emails. Stare at corrections.
35. Correct corrections.
36. Correct corrected corrections.
37. Repeat 984375634 times.
38. First half of story does not match second half of story. Key delineator is emotionally charged scene (still missing). Entire thing still toppling over own pretentious weight. Hit all the keys at once in fit of fury.
39. Contemplate seppuku as story disappears.
40. Cancel seppuku as story re-appears.
41. Bless all computers and automatic back-ups.
42. Eat cake.
43. There is no. 43. This fic is still not finished.
Approximately half the fic is in a state where I am comfortable submitting it. Unfortunately, the key emotional scene (tm) is still missing. I will be sweating blood and tears over it until it is fucking done, and that does not mean that it’ll be good; it means that it’ll be polished.
It’s not an obsession. It’s dedication.